Home Sweet Mess

by Allison Ashley

  “Why didn’t you think I’d be happy?”

  “Logan’s not exactly a saint. You’re my brother. What else needs to be said?”

  Andrew rubbed a hand over his bald head. “I’m not thrilled by the idea. Yes, Logan likes women. But I know him better than most, and I know he’s a good guy. Obviously you’ve figured that out too, or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  “No one’s ever made me feel the way he does. He’s incredible.”

  “So, what’s the deal? What happened out there? Did you have a fight?”

  “He asked me to marry him.”

  Andrew shot to his feet. “What?”

  Lauren’s eyes widened a little, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. “Things are pretty serious then.”

  Jeni rubbed at her sternum. “That’s where he and I disagree. He wants serious, and I don’t. He’s asking for commitment and marriage. I can’t give him that.”

  Andrew’s expression softened. “Yes, you can.”

  “No, I can’t.”

  “It’s not a matter of ability, Jeni.” Andrew glanced at Lauren and wove their fingers together. “It’s a choice. If you turned him down, it’s not because you can’t. It’s because you won’t.”

  Jeni glared at him. “You’re right. I won’t. I won’t agree to something I know he’ll regret.”

  “What makes you so sure he’d regret it? I know what you’re afraid of. I know what you went through and that you partially blame yourself, which is ridiculous. I also knew Jackson, and I know Logan. And they couldn’t be more different. It’s not fair to assume the outcome will be the same. Does Logan…know?”

  She knew what he was asking. “He does now.”

  “And he still wants to be with you?”

  Jeni blinked back tears and shook her head. He wouldn’t want to be once he had time to think it through. She stood. “I’m not having this conversation again. It’s no one’s decision but mine. It’s not yours, and it’s not Logan’s.”

  “I’m not trying to make the decision for you,” Andrew said. “I just know you, and you push away when you’re upset about something. You get stuck inside your head and isolate yourself. Sometimes it helps to talk things through. Get a different perspective.”

  He was probably right. But the pull to be alone was strong, and she didn’t have the energy to fight it. “Maybe it would. But it’s not happening. Not right now. I just want to go home.”

  Andrew’s disapproving expression made her feel like a small child. She was running away, but sometimes that was for the best. There was nothing wrong with being alone. The first few months in Kansas City were a time of healing for her. Living on her own, being independent. Spending time in the quiet without anyone to answer to.

  There was also nothing wrong with wanting to keep the man she loved from making a huge mistake. Even if part of her desperately wanted him to.

  She slung her purse over her shoulder. “I’m sorry to ruin your night.” She walked to where Andrew and Lauren sat and pressed a kiss to Andrew’s head. “I’m so happy you’re done and that you kicked cancer’s ass.” She looked at Lauren. “And that we’re going to be sisters soon. I’m not sure you feel the same, since I’m obviously messed up. But I’m excited, all the same.”

  “So am I,” Lauren said. “Will you call me? If you want to talk?”

  Jeni gave a sort of noncommittal half-nod, and Andrew snorted. Jeni slugged him in the shoulder.

  He didn’t react. “We’ll track you down, you know.”

  “I know,” she said and left.

  Her brother was one thing she could count on. No matter what happened, they’d always be there for each other.

  She wished she could apply the same mindset to her relationship with Logan, but it seemed different. Family was like a pre-arranged support system. They were annoying and sometimes overbearing, but they loved unconditionally. She could tell them how she really felt, even yell and offend them, and they’d still love her. She never worried about losing them or that her decisions would sever any ties. They might disagree at times, but they’d always welcome her back home with open arms. They’d drop anything to help her if she asked. Even her dad, who’d stayed behind at the farm for most of Andrew’s treatment. He showed support from afar but if it came down to it would find a way to be with her or any one of her siblings.

  Why didn’t it feel the same when it came to marriage? Was it because when she was with Jackson he put his own needs above hers? His love hadn’t been unconditional. She wasn’t sure he ever loved her at all. Her inability to have children was a shortcoming he couldn’t get past, as was her desire to live outside the small-town farm community they grew up in.

  Whatever the reason, she couldn’t shake the fear that if she agreed to commit to Logan, at some point the outcome would be the same. Their lives would change, and their relationship wouldn’t make it through.

  As she drove home, she wondered how things would be different if somehow she could change her past. If she could have children and she hadn’t had such a bad experience with Jackson, would her answer be different?

  She swallowed the lump in her throat, and several traitorous tears slid down her cheeks.

  “Yes,” she whispered to herself.

  If things were different, she’d marry Logan in a heartbeat.

  * * *

  Three weeks later, Jeni stood in her garage, bottling the first beer she brewed all on her own. The April weather was beautiful, and she left the garage door open to let in the breeze. A car pulled into her driveway, and Jeni looked up from her task, swiping hair back from her face with her forearm.

  Lauren stepped out of her Honda. “Andrew said I might find you here.”

  Jeni hadn’t spoken to Andrew, or anyone really, since the night at Lauren’s house. She hadn’t wanted to talk, especially since receiving the news her position would be cut from CPS. She had two weeks left and had no idea what she’d do when her time was up.

  “He sent you to try and cheer me up?” Jeni lifted an eyebrow.

  “No, he sent me for beer.”

  Jeni snorted. “Well, get over here and help then. I could use someone to cap these after I fill them. Take as many of you want, but they can’t be opened for two more weeks.”

  Lauren came closer, and Jeni showed her how to use the capper. Jeni went back to filling the bottles, setting them on the workbench when full.

  “So, how are you?” Lauren asked.

  “Fine.”

  “Really?”

  “No.”

  Lauren squeezed the lever and inspected the finished product. “Not bad,” she said. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Lauren tipped her head in acknowledgement and remained silent, waiting for the next bottle. They worked side by side without speaking for several minutes.

  “I got laid off,” Jeni blurted out. She hadn’t told anyone, not even Andrew. “And I miss Logan. I’m lonely. I don’t know what to do.”

  “You got laid off? When?”

  “My boss told me last week. Budget cuts.” Jeni didn’t blame Sandra even a little bit. The woman had cried when she broke the news, for goodness sake. “They didn’t have a choice. I’m done in two weeks.”

  “I’m so sorry. Do you know what you’re going to do?”

  “No.”

  “Want me to look into social work positions at the cancer center?”

  Jeni squinted. “Maybe? I don’t know. I really like working with kids.”

  “I could ask at the children’s hospital where I volunteer.”

  That could work. “That would be great, thanks. I haven’t really started looking yet. I think maybe I keep hoping something will change and Sandra will call me up to tell me they found something else for me at CPS.”

  She wished there was another organization like FSD she could get involved in. After having seen the reach of the donations, she’d learned what a major impact nonprofits like tha
t had—but with Logan at the helm, there was no way she’d seek a position at that one. So far, she hadn’t found another that appealed to her the same way.

  “Maybe she will. But I’ll ask, just in case.”

  “Thank you.” Jeni handed Lauren another bottle.

  “And the other thing—want to talk about that?”

  Jeni paused and dropped her head. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or if I’m making the right decision when it comes to him. It feels like I’m not. In my heart, I know he’s different than my ex-husband. I know no two relationships are the same. And what I feel for him is so much stronger than what I felt for Jackson. So much that it terrifies me.”

  “Why? What about it scares you?” Lauren finished capping the new bottle and put the tool on the table, giving Jeni her full attention.

  “It used to be fear that any man I married would try to control me. But the more time I spent with Logan, the more I saw that’s not true.” Jeni’s shoulders slumped. She thought of his mother and Logan declining his dream job to move home and be with her during her cancer treatment. He’d proved that he put the people he loved before anything else. “Now though, I’m just scared that it will end. Because a lot of marriages do. And that I won’t recover like I was able to with Jackson. I went into my first marriage thinking it would be forever. Isn’t that what everyone thinks when they get married? Now I’m wiser, and I know it’s not a guarantee for life. What would it do to me if something came up and Logan and I couldn’t make it work? My heart wouldn’t survive.”

  “From what I know, your situation with Jackson was unique. You were both young and probably immature. You didn’t know what life was yet. You were looking for a way out and found it in him, and maybe the foundation of that relationship wasn’t strong to start with. When you take the time to get to know someone and experience life with and without them, you get to make a choice. Is life better with them or not? If it is, it’s probably worth taking a chance to spend it together.”

  “I know my life is better with Logan in it. But I don’t know if the reverse is true. I’m scared I can’t make him happy, and that some…physical issues I have will eventually drive a wedge between us.”

  “Have you talked to Logan about that?” Lauren asked gently.

  “Not since that night at your house. I don’t think he wants to hear from me.”

  “I doubt that. You don’t stop wanting or loving someone just because you had a fight.”

  “I’m not so sure.” Jeni swallowed. Logan had seemed pretty upset when he left that night, and she couldn’t blame him.

  “Andrew and I have had more than one fight since we met. Hasn’t stopped us.”

  Jeni scoffed. “That’s because it’s Andrew.”

  “Why does that make a difference?”

  “I don’t know. Because Andrew’s my family, I guess. He’s been there for me for my whole life, and I don’t see that ever changing. That’s what family does.” It was the big difference between family and relationships. The first was an unbreakable bond. The second could fall apart at any moment. Her family would never hold it against her that she couldn’t have children. But a husband might.

  Lauren let out a noise of disgust. “Not my family.”

  “What do you mean?” Jeni didn’t know much about Lauren’s life outside her job and her relationship with Andrew.

  “Far as my parents were concerned, their lives would be easier if I wasn’t around. They had me young and each married other people. Started other families. I was like the awkward bastard child for both of them. It wasn’t until I moved here and met friends at the cancer center, and Andrew, that I found what I considered true family. It’s not all about whose blood runs in your veins. Sometimes it’s about the choices you make. The people you choose to surround yourself with can be your family.”

  Jeni looked down at her hands, thinking.

  “What’s Logan’s family like?” Lauren asked.

  “It’s mainly just his mom. But she’s wonderful. He’s adopted, actually. He had a pretty rough childhood without a father and a neglectful mother and spent a lot of time in the foster care system. The Davises adopted him when he was thirteen, and they were the best parents anyone could ask for.”

  Lauren tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and glanced outside. “Do you think his adoptive mother’s love toward him is conditional?”

  Jeni balked. “No,” she answered immediately. “That woman adores him and he, her. Their relationship is rock solid.”

  “And yet, it’s a choice for both of them, isn’t it? He wasn’t born into that family.”

  “I guess.” Jeni fixed her eyes the empty beer bottles near her feet.

  Lauren was quiet for a moment. “You want to know what I think?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “That’s fine. I’ll tell you anyway. Sisters speak their minds, right?” Lauren crossed her arms and leaned a hip on the bench. “I think you’re not giving Logan enough credit. If he knows everything about you, including the details of your past relationship and the physical issues you mentioned, and he still says he wants to be with you? If you trust him, you’ve got to believe him. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. You have no right to question that. Now, if you think he’s straight up lying, then there’s an obvious trust issue there, and that’s no foundation for a relationship. But I don’t get the feeling that’s the problem here. Do you trust him and trust his judgment?”

  “I trust him. His judgment is questionable though. I mean, he likes the Chiefs.”

  Lauren chuckled. “I also think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’ve got a lot of great qualities. You’re a great catch, regardless of what happened in the past. Seems like the problems in your first marriage stemmed from some circumstances beyond your control. You need to stop assuming you have some great shortcoming that renders a successful relationship impossible. If everyone thought that after a bad experience, no one would ever get married, and the human race would die off.”

  “I don’t know how people do it.” Jeni rubbed at her forehead. “The idea of doing it again is terrifying.”

  “I understand.” Lauren said. She pulled her long, auburn hair over her shoulder. “Hey, you played softball, right? Andrew said you were the best in the state.”

  “Yeah,” Jeni said, a little disoriented at the change in topic. “I still play a little.”

  “Then I’m surprised you don’t gravitate toward the idea of being part of a team. That’s one thing I’m most excited about—that Andrew and I get to navigate this life together. I don’t have to do it alone like I have most of my life. Marriage is just like being on a team. And you both have different strengths, so when you share the same goal you can do so much more together. It’s like, if you’re the best batter but he runs faster, you hit and bring him in to run, and you both get farther than you would on your own.”

  Jeni blinked, letting the words sink in.

  The analogy hit her smack in the middle of her chest. She didn’t know if it was because she and Logan had been in that exact scenario—she bats, he runs—or if it was something else, but whatever the case, it clicked.

  Being part of a team. Why hadn’t she ever thought about it like that?

  Every member of her high school team had the same goal in mind. They put in the hours and work to give them the best shot of getting there. Jeni didn’t always like every person on the team or agree with everything they said, but they all learned to put aside those differences when they stepped onto the field.

  When it really mattered.

  They made sacrifices for the good of the team, even if it meant losing personal recognition. They knew who was best at what and capitalized on those strengths. They worked together to fill in the weak spots, and they always, always had each other’s backs.

  And most important of all: if each position wasn’t filled with just the right player, everything fell apart.

  Chapter Twenty-Six
r />   Logan’s phone rang. Again.

  It was the sixth time in two hours. He shoved the box spring into the bed of his pickup truck before he answered.

  “Hello?” He leaned his back against the vehicle while he listened. “Uh, I think I have an infant car seat, but I’ll have to check. I’m making a delivery right now, so I’ll have to let you know. It will probably be an hour before I can get back to the garage. Okay, I’ll call you back.” He huffed out a breath and climbed into the driver’s seat. He hated the frustration he felt right now. This organization was supposed to bring him joy and healing, not stress.

  It just blew up so quickly. Faster than he’d anticipated and he didn’t have the time or manpower to do it on his own anymore. Not only did he need to keep his day job for financial reasons, but he also loved it. The foundation was supposed to be a side gig, not a full-time job.

  But what choice did he have? As long as there were kids who needed beds or a safe car seat, he’d keep doing it. Even if it ran him into the ground. What he really needed was to hire someone to run the day-to-day operations for him. The volunteers who helped out were inconsistent and just weren’t cutting it.

  His phone vibrated on the dash. Logan considered not answering, but what if it was Jeni this time? Every damn time his phone rang, a little part of him hoped for it.

  He’d thought about calling her several times but always decided against it. He’d put himself out there enough times. It was her turn. If she wasn’t willing to meet him in the middle and even discuss a future together, he was better off without her.

  Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a fucking gunshot straight through his heart.

  Logan grabbed the phone and checked the screen. It wasn’t Jeni, but it was the next best thing. “Hey, Andrew. Long time, no see.”

  “You can’t see me.”

  “Wiseass.” Logan grinned. “Okay, long time, no talk.”

  “The last time I saw you I learned through a door that you were, and I quote, ‘more than friends’ with my sister.”

  Logan grimaced. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I wanted to tell you.”