Risk the Burn

by Marnee Blake

  His laugh burst from him, and the sound of it made her grin, too. Except smiling hurt, so she winced. He must have noticed, because his laughter faded, and they lapsed into silence.

  Except she couldn’t take it. She had too much to say. “Listen, Hunter—”

  “Charlie—”

  They spoke at the same time. He waved to her. “You go ahead.”

  “I’m sorry I pepper-sprayed you.” She grimaced. “I hear it hurts, but I couldn’t figure out how else to help.”

  He laughed again. “Are you serious? That was brilliant. I couldn’t get my footing, with the contents of the cart everywhere. I kept slipping and he had a better grip. It was the right move.”

  “It was the right thing to make you gag and cough for half an hour?” It had been awful to watch until someone came and assisted him. She wasn’t sure what the hospital had done for him, but it seemed to have helped.

  “I’ve been through worse. It stopped Santillo. That’s all that mattered.” He smiled at her. “You did that. You were a real tough guy.”

  She dropped her head, tucking her hair behind her ear, sheepish. Then she lifted one shoulder. “I’ve been working out.” She had so many things she needed to say and couldn’t figure out where to start.

  She must have let the pause go on too long, because Hunter began instead.

  “I’m so sorry, Charlie. That coming to see you brought him here. Hell, I’m sorry for getting you tangled up in all of this.”

  Watching him beat himself up was too hard. She let the ice pack fall to the bed beside her and reached for his hands, gripping them in hers. “I should have been clearer, before. But I’m going to say this now. This isn’t your fault.”

  “Santillo was my—”

  “He came after us because he’s a bad guy who got what was coming to him. You shouldn’t take responsibility for what horrible people do.” She rubbed her thumbs over his knuckles. “I get it, though. When I came here, from Chicago, I believed that it was my fault, that I trusted Joshua, that I should have seen what he was truly like under that charming facade. It made me doubt my judgment.”

  She definitely should take her own advice. Now she could see that she wasn’t responsible for what Joshua did. All she’d done was allow herself to care about him. The rest had been his decisions. “But, like Santillo, Joshua made his own choices. And they got what they deserved.”

  She swallowed, finding it difficult to go on. “But it was my choice to push you away because I was afraid. I’m so sorry.” She inhaled, because the rest of this was the hard part, the part that put everything on the line. “I tried to convince myself I was protecting you. But I wasn’t. I was protecting myself. Because I love you.”

  Telling him was like lifting a weight off her. Why hadn’t she told him earlier, when she first figured it out? Because she was scared.

  She’d been foolish. After all those years watching her parents and their love, how could she have ever believed that loving someone would make her weak?

  The smile that broke across his face was sunshine, and she basked in it, letting it warm her up.

  Then he kissed her, his mouth achingly soft. She wanted to fall into it, but she still had too much to say, so she pulled back.

  “Meg told me that I run because I’m afraid of getting close to people, of sticking around and letting them see me. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do know that I’ve been hiding, trying not to be wrong about us, afraid that I was wrong. Because I didn’t think I could stand to fail at this.”

  “We aren’t going to fail,” he said, smiling. “I’m incredibly stubborn. Haven’t you noticed? And I love you, too. More than anything.”

  She laughed, barely able to restrain the joy racing through her. The words touched her somewhere deep, a place she’d been shielding from the world.

  He shifted, coming to sit next to her and wrapping his arms around her. Then he dropped kisses on her forehead, her face, everywhere, until she was laughing and sighing and holding him against her. He gently tilted her head up, careful of her injured cheek, and covered her mouth with his, and though she was in the hospital after multiple attacks, she couldn’t imagine anywhere she wanted to be more than in his arms.

  When she tried to deepen the kiss, he pulled away, tucking her into the crook of his arm, and she rested her head against his shoulder. Reaching for the ice pack, he gently covered her cheek with it, and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to be with him.

  “I can’t blame you for wanting to protect yourself, you know,” he said, the words rumbling in his chest, under her head. “The things that Santillo has done to you, because of me…” He sighed. “You’ve been hurt, Charlie. And it’s my fault.”

  “Please stop.” When she tried to tilt up to look at him, he held her more tightly against him. So she attempted to put all of her adamancy into her words. “You didn’t do that. I need you to believe that. I don’t blame you.”

  He traced circles in her hair, and she wasn’t sure if he was trying to reassure her or himself. “How can you forgive me when I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself?”

  She shook her head. Even here, after she’d told him how much she loved him, after he returned the emotion, even then, he couldn’t allow that to wipe away what had happened. “Hunter, you carry so much guilt around, I’m surprised you can even stand under the weight of it all.”

  He chuckled. “Lance said something similar to me earlier today.”

  “Lance is a smart guy.” She sniffed. “Apparently Meg has good taste in both friends and fiancés.”

  That drew a full laugh from him, and she smiled. “Seriously, though, I’m not sure what else there is to say.” She could only offer him her forgiveness. He needed to take it. She couldn’t do that for him.

  “I don’t think there is anything else.” He inhaled before he went on. “But I think there’s something I need to do.”

  This time, she did lift up to meet his eyes. “Oh yeah?”

  “It’s time I see someone, about my panic, about what’s been going on with me this past year. I thought I’d worked through it all. That if I could get myself into shape, if I could pass training, if I could prove to everyone that I was better again, I’d be able to prove to myself that I was fine, too.” He bit his bottom lip. “But I don’t think I am. And I can’t figure it out by myself.”

  She didn’t care how much it pulled her stitches. She wrapped her arms around him, drawing him closer to her. As she laid her head against his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat against her cheek, she smiled. “You don’t have to do everything alone, Hunter Buchanan.”

  “I know.” He squeezed her back. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For loving me, even though I’m not completely fixed yet.”

  “No one is completely fixed. We’re all a little broken.” She grinned. “But I think maybe love makes us stronger in the broken places.”

  He touched her cheek, dropping a soft kiss on her forehead. “I think maybe you’re right.”

  Chapter Twenty

  A week after Thanksgiving, Charlie was riffling through some boxes to find her costume jewelry. The dress Meg had chosen for her bridesmaids was deep burgundy, and Charlie was sure she had a set of ruby earrings that would go perfectly with it. But currently they were trapped somewhere in the zillion boxes littering her apartment.

  She’d started packing up a month ago, when she’d officially moved into Hunter’s duplex with him. Since he wanted to be closer to the air center, in case he was needed, and her job was more flexible, they decided to stay in Redmond instead of at her place in Bend. Not only had her buy-in to the practice been approved, but both Leslie and the other partner had loved the idea of Charlie opening a satellite office in Redmond. Her hours were slowed down while she transitioned, but after the new year, she’d be busy setting up
the new place.

  Her lease was up at the end of the year. She’d move the rest of this stuff into storage, though, for a few months. They’d already started looking for houses together and hoped to close on something by the time Hunter’s lease was up in February. The stuff that she’d left here wasn’t necessary, so she could do without it until then.

  But because it was a huge disaster, she couldn’t find the jewelry she wanted.

  Shifting to another box, she unfolded the top to find the remains of her jewelry and the letter she’d been given by Detective Vargas.

  The letter from Joshua.

  Her hand shook as she lifted it out, staring at her name scribbled across the envelope face in Joshua’s compact scratch.

  She’d heard from her attorney in the summer that Joshua was still following his theological studies, still living at the seminary. Though initially when she’d heard about his new passion, she’d been dismissive, the longer she spent in a relationship with Hunter, the more willing she was to look forward, not behind.

  She hadn’t remembered keeping the letter, but obviously she had for some reason. Maybe it was time to see what he wanted. She broke the seal on the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of typed paper.

  Charlie,

  Please find it in your heart to accept my deepest apologies. What I did to you was inexcusable. I was not in a good place.

  In prison, I got a chance to examine my immortal soul and to accept a savior. Through that exploration, I have been able to recognize that my actions caused you great harm. That was not my intention.

  I would hope that you have it in you to forgive me.

  Sincerely,

  Joshua Oldham

  She read it twice before lowering the paper to her lap.

  She wasn’t sure what she’d expected to find in the envelope. Some kind of closure, maybe. She’d figured Joshua would say something, give her some compelling explanation for why he’d done what he’d done. Because of him, she’d uprooted her entire life, had changed her name.

  But there wasn’t anything in the note in her lap that told her anything she didn’t know. He wasn’t in a good place? That wasn’t an explanation. That was an excuse.

  She shook her head, chuckling.

  “What’s funny?” Hunter stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. In his tux and the tan he’d gotten over the summer, jumping and fighting fires, he was more handsome than ever.

  She held the piece of paper out to him. “Letter. From Joshua.”

  His brow furrowed, he strode forward, taking it from her fingers and reading it quickly. “Is this new?”

  As concern clouded his features, she shook her head. “No. This is the letter Detective Vargas gave me when he told me Joshua wasn’t responsible for the break-in.”

  He read it again as she fished out her earrings and shifted to stand. He offered her a hand so she could step around the boxes in her heels. When she stood in front of him, he whistled low. “You look absolutely amazing.”

  She leaned up to kiss him, glowing with his praise. Even after all these months, she loved the way he looked at her, as if she were the most beautiful girl in the world. Thanks to the three-inch heels, he didn’t have to bend as far to cover her mouth. “Thank you, love.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked, still holding her in the circle of his arms.

  She nodded. “Can you help me fasten this?” She held up the necklace that matched her rubies, pulling the ends around the back and turning around. “Surprisingly, I’m fine. I’m not sure what I expected, but all it has is an excuse and a request to make him feel better. I’m not holding a grudge, and if someone pressed me, I could probably say I forgive him, but I’m not quite ready to make him feel better about it yet.”

  When she faced him again, he squeezed her shoulders, nodding. “I completely understand. That’s exactly how I feel about Will.”

  Nodding, she leaned forward and let him hold her again.

  Hunter had started seeing a therapist right after their tangle with Santillo. He hadn’t had a panic attack in almost three months, but he’d also faced some pretty life-changing realizations.

  He decided he wouldn’t be going back to smokejumping next season. He hadn’t shared the decision with many people yet, but he’d told the base manager, Mitch, and a few of his close friends. He’d decided to go to the police academy instead. He wanted to put his life to the service of helping others, but he wanted to do it more personally. His experience with helping the meth cooks turn on Santillo had made a lasting impression on him. He wanted to do more to help people face down those who would manipulate and oppress.

  The other huge change was his desire to see his brother.

  They’d gone a few weeks ago, to Will’s apartment in Portland. It had been incredibly uncomfortable, even angry at times, but ultimately cordial. They’d only stayed for fifteen minutes, but Hunter had insisted on doing it before Meg’s wedding. Will would be there, and Hunter didn’t want to cause her any stress on her big day. Though Charlie didn’t think they’d talk at today’s festivities, she hoped the tension was gone. No one wanted to dim Meg and Lance’s joy.

  She still didn’t understand the dynamic between the two brothers. She wasn’t sure if Hunter was trying to prove that he was okay now. Or if he needed to see Will, to see if his brother felt any remorse. When she’d asked if he wanted to talk about it, he hadn’t. She hadn’t pushed. When he was ready to, he would. She trusted Hunter. Either he wasn’t sure how he felt yet, or he wasn’t quite ready to share.

  There was time. Something she’d discovered about them was the quiet certainty that they would have as much time as they needed.

  “Are you ready to go?” he asked, offering her an elbow. “You know Meg’ll lose her mind if we’re late.”

  Lance and Meg had decided to have a small get-together at a restaurant in Bend. Though Hunter’s mother had wanted a larger affair, this being the first of her children to get married, Meg had remained firm. They’d get married next to a lake, in a gazebo, and then have an intimate dinner reception and dancing.

  “You look pretty handsome, too, you know.” Charlie let her eyes drift over him, from the bowtie down to the shiny wingtips.

  He waggled his eyebrows at her. “Think I’ll get lucky later?”

  “Magic 8-Ball says your outlook is good.”

  He chuckled. Both Lance and Meg had chosen to have three attendants. For Lance, they were Hunter, Dak, and their colleague Rock. For Meg, they were Heidi, Charlie, and their friend Olivia.

  Charlie had helped with some of the touches for the wedding, but Meg had done most of the work. It would be a beautiful evening.

  Smiling up at Hunter, Charlie slipped her hand through his arm. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” He grinned. “Do you have what you need? We’re going home from the wedding.”

  She squeezed his arm. “I have everything I need right here.”

  Grinning, they turned off the light in her old place.

  * * * *

  The wedding was exactly what Hunter expected from his sister and Lance. Intimate, with a lot of laughter. They’d only gone outside for a short time, to do the ceremony. It was snowing today, and though they were covered on the patio, it was still chilly. Being from Oregon, though, the crowd was prepared, covered in wraps and jackets. The bridesmaids, in plaid scarves, looked like something out of a Christmas card.

  The restaurant was in a ski lodge. As the holiday season was in full swing, the entire place was covered in twinkling lights, and a fire burned in a big hearth. Outside the windows, snowflakes fell, giving the venue a cozy, tucked-in feel.

  Hunter turned a glass of champagne in his hand as he watched his sister and her new husband dance their first dance.

  “Thanks.” His mother stood next to him, tucking her hand into the crook of his
elbow. In a dark green gown, she looked healthy and strong. He wasn’t the only one who’d changed over the past year. If his parachuting accident had brought them low, it had also given them the chance to build themselves up again. Now, his mom watched his sister, her eyes shining.

  “For what?” He patted her hand, rubbing her cold fingers.

  “You gave her away today.”

  “Of course.” He shrugged. “She asked me to.”

  “I know. But all of us felt your father’s absence.” She glanced up at him, biting her lower lip. “Thank you for being there.” Traditionally, the job should have fallen to Will, but Meg had insisted he do it.

  He swallowed and nodded, but he couldn’t find any words. With the kind of understanding only a mom could have, she patted his fingers and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “I love you, baby.”

  “I love you, too, Mom.”

  His brother watched them. When Hunter caught his eye, Will nodded to him. Next to him, his new girlfriend, Jessica, wrapped her arm around his waist. Hunter had spoken with them both, briefly, and he’d immediately liked her. They’d met in a support group, apparently. Hunter didn’t know what the group was for, but his brother seemed less angry than he could ever remember. He didn’t say much, but the animosity that used to roll off him was gone.

  Hunter wasn’t sure how he felt about his brother right now. He’d spoken with his therapist, and she’d told him it was okay if he didn’t know. That he didn’t have to have all the answers all the time. He was trying to embrace that, to give himself time to sort it all out.

  He offered Will a return nod before looking away.

  His gaze found Charlie. She was looking at him, and maybe he’d felt her. As always, the instant recognition hit him. His body—his soul—seemed to know her. Across the room, she blew him a kiss. She’d probably seen his exchange with Will and was worrying. He winked in return.

  The first dance came to an end, and the DJ said, “Now, we’d like to invite the bride and her brother up for a dance.”