Gone Bamboo

by Anthony Bourdain

  "And madame?" the housekeeper inquired. "Qa va aussi?"

  "She's fine, fine," said Henry. "Just a little spill. We sleep late today."

  "It's very dangerous, Mr Henry," said the housekeeper, casting a disapproving glance at the damaged scooter. "Very dangerous. You should have an auto."

  "Estelle," said Henry. "You might be right. I'm going to give it some serious thought. Thank you."

  "Have a nice day," she said, turning to go. "And be care­ful."

  "Who was that?" groaned Frances from under her pillow. She propped herself up on her elbows, knocking the Colt and the Walther onto the floor.

  "Estelle," said Henry. "I told her to come back tomorrow."

  "Oh, God. Look at the bed," said Frances, peering through an unruly tangle of hair. The sheets were smeared with dried blood, dirt, and motor oil. Henry picked up the Colt and the Walther, removed his own gun from the small of his back, and put them all in a pile on the nightstand. He sat down next to Frances and pushed the hair out of her face.

  "My head . . . my knees," said Frances. "I'm hung over. Are you hung over?"

  "Yes," said Henry.

  "Help me get my pants off."

  Henry popped the buttons on her jeans, moved down near her feet, and gave a short tug on the ankles.

  "Gently!" she protested. "Shit! They're stuck to my knees."

  "We can soak them off."

  "I'm not moving."

  "What do you want me to do?"

  "Fuck it," said Frances. "Just yank them off. Quick, okay? Try and get it over with quick."

  "You sure? I'll carry you to the tub if you want."

  "I'm not getting out of bed. Just do it, okay . . . I can take it."

  Henry got a firm hold on her pants legs. "Count of three?"

  "Okay," said Frances, gritting her teeth.

  "One . . . two . . . three" He pulled the dirty jeans down hard, as hard as he could, the knees tearing free. Frances did the rest, kicking the jeans off her feet and onto the floor, eyes filling for a brief second.

  "At least that's over with," she said, brushing gravel out of a scrape on her elbow. She flopped back onto the bed and pulled the pillow over her face. "Wake me for happy hour," she murmured from under the pillow.

  "You want the shirt off?" Henry asked her, but she was again unconscious.

  So tired he could barely move himself, he got out of his own disgusting clothes and curled up on the bed, his head by Frances's feet. He was thinking - car, body, shell casings, fingerprints. The idea that Little Petey might have friends, that they might be asking around soon, almost kept him awake. He opened his eyes and thought about that for a few moments. There would be others, of course. He looked out the window, saw the masts of the moored sailboats in the pond, swaying gently back and forth, the motion somehow reassuring. Outside the French doors, the insistent cheeping of sugar thieves in the palms was the only sound. He listened for the hollow chop of the waves against the reef but heard only Frances, breathing steadily under her pillow. He hugged her ankles and closed his eyes, freezing the moment.

  28

  Franees, in a pastel green sundress and yellow Bakelite sunglasses, stood outside the gate of the big stone house on the hill and pressed the buzzer. With her hair up and her scabby knees exposed to the air, she looked like a tomboy forced to dress for relatives.

  "Frances Denard," she announced. "Here to see Cheryl and Tommy."

  Woody, on the other side of the gate, whispered into his radio. It took a long time for him to receive an answer through his earpiece. Finally, he swung the heavy iron gates open. The two weimaraners came bounding up and pounced playfully against her chest.

  "Hey! Hey! Get down! Down!" Woody commanded in vain.

  "That's okay," said Frances, bending over to pet the excited dogs. "Big babies," she cooed. "You're nice doggies . . . nice doggies."

  Woody stood by impatiently as the guard dogs rolled onto their backs, Frances vigorously scratching their bellies, the dogs' legs pumping air in unison, tongues hanging out. When Frances started up the driveway, the dogs got to their feet and followed, pushing their heads into her hands.

  "Nice dogs," said Frances.

  Burke came out of the garage, looking worried. Frances showing up at the front gate had been a nasty surprise. He had just that moment sent off yet another fax to Washington, seeking any and all records of a Frances Denard. Now he stood there, unsure of what to do, what was going to happen next. How would she react when she turned her head and saw him standing there? Would she say anything?

  He broke into a flopsweat, hating himself for his weakness. He should have just told Woody on the radio, "Forget it. No visitors." But then what would have happened? Would she have gotten pissed, filed a police report on the break-in? Complained to Woody about his boss? The damn woman was blackmailing him without doing a thing. Twisting his nuts. Walking right in here, pretty as you please, the supposedly vicious guard dogs greeting her like a long-lost friend.

  Burke stood there waiting, his witness forgotten, more concerned now with what she would say when she saw him. Terrified that her first words would be "Hi, Don! Good to see you again!" That would be enough to incite real interest among the other marshals. The humiliating memory of lying on his belly, Frances holding him at bay with a Bic pen and his own gun, was making him queasy. There was something else, too. Mixed in with the fear and sweat was the tangible memory of that moment when he'd squeezed his hand down between her legs for his wallet and gun, and felt her pussy.

  By the time Frances and Woody and the dogs reached him, Burke looked like he was suffering from heat stroke.

  "It's okay?" asked Woody, concerned by Burke's appearance.

  "It's okay," said Burke, his voice a little too high and strident. He held his breath as Frances's eyes met his. The green pupils drifted right by him, registering nothing. Woody led her out to the pool deck, the dogs yapping at her heels. At first, he felt relief, but almost instantly this was replaced by something else, anger and resentment that she'd said nothing, given him not the slightest sign that they had, after all, shared an intimate moment.

  Burke stalked back to his room in the guesthouse, determined to send another fax.

  "Frances!" cried Cheryl from the diving board. She'd been demonstrating her double gainer for Charlie and Tommy, both sitting at the poolside breakfast table. "Watch this." She leapt feet first into the pool, grasping one knee and hitting the water with a big splash, showering Charlie and Tommy.

  "Hi," said Tommy, pushing out a chair with his foot.

  "Hi," said Frances. Turning to Charlie, she said, loudly enough for Woody and the marshal on the roof to hear, "You must be Mister Pastou. Pleased to meet you. I'm Frances."

  "Yeah, right," said Charlie. He leaned forward and kissed Frances's hand, holding it for a long time. "Sit here," he said, patting the empty chair next to him, in preference to the one Tommy had offered.

  Woody retreated to the gazebo, signaling Burt on the roof to keep an eye on the new arrival. The dogs lay down to sun themselves on the warm tile deck.

  "What happened to your knees?" asked Tommy.

  "Oh! They're terriblel" said Cheryl, dripping from the pool, a towel around her shoulders. "What happened?"

  "We fell down," said Frances, eyes not leaving Charlie's, a look of great amusement fixed on his face. "Nothing serious. Scooter was a little banged up. It still runs, though."

  "You should put something on them. Won't they get infected?" said Cheryl, sympathetically. "Bandages or something."

  "They dry up quicker this way."

  "But, the scars . . ."

  "Forget it. I'm fine," said Frances. "Really." She moved her head one way, toward the building, saying, "What a nice house. And the gardens . . . beautiful," but her hand went another. She slid a driver's license with the name and photograph of a Peter Schiavone on it across the table and under the corner of Charlie's newspaper. He palmed it neatly, took a quick peek, and just as discreetly returned
it under the table.

  "Little Petey," said Charlie.

  "Little?" said Frances.

  "I know," said Charlie. "There's another one. Bigger. This person. You seen him lately? Round here?"

  "He had to cut his vacation short," said Frances, breezily, her face becoming cold and expressionless in a way that made Tommy's blood chill.

  Charlie was fighting a grin. Tommy started to say something, but he held up a hand, silencing him.

  "We were wondering," said Frances, her expression growing cheerful again, "what firm he's with. He had to leave in a hurry, and we didn't have the time . . . we didn't exchange information. Henry might want to do business . . . with the, uh, parent company."

  "I don't get it," said Cheryl.

  "Shut up," said Tommy. "Please. Sorry."

  "Make like we're havin' a nice talk about sports or somethin', okay?" said Charlie. "I'm talkin' here.

  "So," said Charlie.

  "So," said Frances.

  "We got a problem."

  "We were kind of wondering how bad a problem it is," said Frances, lighting a cigarette.

  "Petey wasn't such a bad guy," said Charlie, sighing. "He was with bad people. That was his problem. Youse already got an idea what people I'm talkin' about, right?"

  "Pretty much. I mean, Henry's made an educated guess. Who he was with and all."

  "Well," said Charlie. "He'd be right. Funny thing is . . . Petey's not the guy you would think to send. I mean, you wouldn't think a' him first, you hadda have somethin' done."

  "He wasn't very good," agreed Frances. "Henry . . . Henry thinks it was kind of a rush order."

  Charlie sighed. "Things must really be goin' to hell up there . . ."

  "Well," said Frances, "we thought you should know."

  "That's really nice a' you," said Charlie, looking genuinely touched. "An' I appreciate it."

  "So," said Frances, taking a sniff of air. It smelled of frangipani, jasmine, and wet earth from Charlie's garden. "What are you going to do?" She looked over Charlie's shoulder at a cluster of younger marshals playing grab-ass in the gazebo, weapons unslung.

  "Me? I ain't gonna do nothin'. I mean . . . what? I'm gonna tell the fuckin' Osmond brothers over there? Go cryin' to them? You think I wanna live in fuckin' San Diego, or Tucson . . . some fuckin' retirement village somewheres? No way, Jose. I ain't sittin' on some boardwalk in my fuckin' diapers feedin' no pigeons. This my house. They want me, they can come and fuckin' get me."

  "That's my attitude," said Frances, smiling. She reached over and took Charlie's hand. "Henry's of two minds on this subject."

  "Well," said Charlie, shrugging, "he's got a point. Face it; anything could happen . . . Look at those idiots over there," he said, referring to the marshals. "They gotta have a fuckin' meeting, decide they gonna take a leak . . . You coulda emptied a clip inta me, they'd still be talkin' about it." He gave Frances's hand a squeeze before reluctantly putting it down. "You should prolly look like we havin' some fun here, 'fore they get nervous. Take a swim, let Cheryl show you around. I want you to come again."

  "You want a drink?" offered Cheryl.

  "No, thanks anyway," said Frances. She raised both arms above her head and stretched, yawned, and removed her sunglasses. She looked at the garden again, admiring the even flagstone paths, the little Japanese-style carp pond, bocce court, the bamboo, neatly laid out around a center hillock planted with bonsai trees.

  "It's gorgeous here," she said.

  "It is, ain't it?" said Charlie. "An' you . . . you look better than I ever seen you. Marriage is good for you."

  "I'm happy."

  "Oh . . . one thing," said Charlie, leaning forward, an amused look on his face. "Little Petey . . . was it Henry . . . or was it you?"

  When Frances didn't answer, not even acknowledging the question, he just smiled contentedly and sank back in his chair. "That musta been a bad surprise for him," he said. "You, I mean."

  29

  Did you see Burkie this morning?" asked Robbie, finishing a few stretching exercises against a telephone pole. "At the fax machine? He's talking to it now."

  "I'm waiting for him to break it," said Woody. "He hits it, you know." They had reached the halfway point of their morning jog: two and a half miles from Charlie's house, on a hilltop in Orleans. Heavy black women in skirts and clean T-shirts trudged past them, crossed the street, and walked up the steps of the Baptist church. A sign in front of the church announced the day's sermon: HARD-SELF BUSINESSPERSON/GOOD CHRISTIAN, YOU CAN BE BOTH, WITH GOD'S HELP!

  "I hope he takes early retirement," said Robbie, wiping his face with his terry-cloth sweatband. "The man is toast."

  "He's what? Fifty-two, fifty-three?" asked Woody.

  "Something like that. Old," said Robbie.

  "What's he got going on with Justice is what I want to know," said Woody. "I mean, he asks for files, they send files. He gets all sulky and pissed off. Fie asks for more files. You ask me, he's losing it big time. Guy was crankin' out memos half the night last night."

  "That chick set him off," said Robbie. "That guy Henry's wife. He wasn't getting anything about him; now he's on the wife's case."

  "I saw some of the Henry stuff he was getting. Immigration, credit records, chamber of commerce filings. I don't know what he's got such a hard-on for the guy about. He's a fuckin' war hero. Bronze Star, did you know that?"

  "Yeah. I knew that."

  "Even the CI reports on this guy are good. Some douche bags the DEA got snitching for them down here . . . even they got nothing bad to say about the guy. And those guys have something bad to say about everybody. They didn't even bother to make anything up!"

  "I know."

  "Do you know about the Henry and Frances Denard Animal Rescue Center?"

  "No."

  "It's a little storefront over in French Quarter. They take care of cute little fuzzy animals. Mister Potential Organized Crime Associate put up all the money."

  "The wife's good with animals. You see her with the dogs?"

  "Yeah, I saw that."

  "She oughta make dog food commercials. Like that guy whatsisname - the one from Bonanza?"

  "Lome Greene. He died."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah."

  "What about the other one - Little Joe?"

  "He's dead too."

  "Wow."

  "The fat one, Hoss? He's dead too."

  "Dude! That Ponderosa was some kind of dangerous place!"

  "Yeah, the only one still alive is that Trapper John guy. He musta got out just in time."

  "Maybe it was the MSG."

  "What?"

  "That Chinese cook they had. MSG."

  "Stuff gives me a headache. Right here. You can feel it. I always tell them leave it out. But you know they still put it in."

  Robbie peeled off his shirt. "Ready to head back?"

  "Just a sec."

  "Gettin' tan, man. I'm gonna look buff, time I get back home."

  "See what Burkie's looking like these days?"

  "The gut? Yeah . . . old school, man. You could get away with looking like that, the old days. He's eating the kid's food."

  "Tommy's?"

  "Shit'll kill you. I'd like to see what that kid's arteries are gonna look like a couple of years."

  "Burkie doesn't like that they're friends. The kids and that Henry guy . . . his wife. The Denards."

  "You know what I say? So what? I don't see what he's got such a bug up his ass for. I mean, she comes over. He doesn't want her on the premises, okay - so tell her to buzz off. No visitors. Mister Pastou and guests unavailable for medical reasons. Let the kids have fun on their own time."

  "He's such a wuss. He wussed out, now he's like feeling bad about it."

  "He got some old arrest records on the wife. That's what he was doing today. Old shit, her NYPD jacket from the seventies. The seventies! Misdemeanor shit. Soliciting, pandering, possession controlled substance . . . prosti shit."

  "No lie!"<
br />
  "No lie. I think the guy's fixated."

  "He's fixated on his own dick, you ask me. I mean, who cares?"

  "That's what I said. I mean, who cares? So she took dope in the seventies. You should see some of the pictures of my parents back then. And the other stuff . . . What? She was a ho'. What? Is she gonna storm the house? Fuck everybody to death? Get real. Get a life. That's what he should do."

  Robbie took a few deep breaths and started back down the hill. "Come on," he called back. "I want to get back for a swim before Charlie wakes up. He's always needling me . . . It distracts me."

  30

  It was raining again when the man from Justice they called the Big Kahuna arrived. Burke watched his cab pull up from the gazebo, where he was drafting yet another request for information concerning the former Frances Brading.

  The Big Kahuna, a Hawaiian with a mean disposition, saw Burke in the gazebo and came straight for him. He held only a briefcase. Burke was not looking forward to their meeting.

  "What the fuck, exactly, did you mean with this}" he said, starting right in, Burke's cable already in his hand.

  "It's a reasonable request for information," said Burke, trying not to show fear or anger. "I need some files. I need infor­mation."

  "Reasonable request? Reasonable request!" shrieked the Big Kahuna, his voice higher than one would expect from such a large man. "Do you have any idea what happens, a rocket like this lands on a desk in Washington? A . . . A fucking ICBM makes less noise! I spent yesterday, the day before, the whole fucking weekend running my ass off doing damage control 'cause of this fucking cable, mister! I hadda call State, I had to call those stuck-up pricks across the river. I had to get down on my fucking knees and apologize to them!"

  "But, all I did—"

  " 'He's overworked,' I said. 'He's under a lot of pressure . . . very important case.' All fucking weekend I'm bowing and scraping to a bunch of pipe-smoking fucks who I wouldn't let look after my fucking houseplants much less a witness. I had to call the AG's office and sell my firstborn male fucking child, just to get a statement, for the most meager, pathetic amount of cover on this . . . this abortion." He paused to get a breath. "You out and out accused the CIA and Pentagon, on paper, in clear no less, of covering up! You think you're talking to an idiot} You suggested lack of cooperation, lack of honesty with the other branches. Do you have any idea how many people saw that memo? I'll be shocked if it's not in the fucking Post when I get back to town. You got a lot of people back there hopping fucking mad about this. People are scrambling around, pointing fingers with one hand and covering their assholes with the other. Well, it's over now."