A Check for a Billion

by Vasily Mahanenko

  A glimmer of hope tingled among the vacuum of disappointment. Here it is — my best bet at getting anything out of this situation.

  The camera posed a problem indeed — Hilvar hadn’t said anything about which of them had recorded the episode he needed. However, I did know the exact date and time, and Mercaloun agreed to suffer a little to recover the records of all twenty cameras from her memory. A few minutes later, a beautiful crystal appeared on the floor before me, shimmering with all the shades of green.

  “This is a one-time memory medium. It contains all the recordings you need. You need only to break the crystal to view them. Everyone who is present will be able to see the footage too. Now go, for I must rest. Recovering memory saps a lot of energy from me. My children will take you to the ship. The upgrades I promised you have been installed by now.”

  Mission updated: In Search of Cause. You have acquired the video recording. Deliver the recording to Hilvar or the Corsican.

  I was surprised to see the modified description. I guess Hilvar isn’t the only one who wants to know what happened between him and the Corsican. The mangled pirate king was interested in the data as well! I could leverage this, but first I had to settle my business on Planet Shurtan. While the cacodemons were morphing into a rhino, I made the call.

  “I’ve been waiting for your call a long time. Did the Scourge scour your stupid face?” Tryd gibed instead of a greeting. His voice was filled with open mockery. “Don’t worry. I can get you out. The price will be your ship.”

  I took a calming breath, restraining myself from telling the pirate off. This bastard had lured me here specifically to extort the orbship from me! Having managed my outrage, I thought of a calm reply, though even then — a bystander would have thought that I was speaking each word with difficulty, all but spitting it at the fox:

  “There’s no need to project your own cowardice onto others. I’m done with the base. It is clear! The Scourge cleaned everything she could reach. There’s no Northbridge here. No Anorxian prince.”

  I could hear fangs gnash on the other end.

  “I am the coward?! Why, I’ll twist you until you look like a ram’s horn! The signal…” the pirate began, but he cut himself off. “Keep looking. Prince Northbridge is intact. If you want the Lora, you’ll get me that synthoid! The warehouse is on the second level.”

  The short beeps that followed indicated our conversation had ended. But the most important thing had been spoken — Mercaloun hadn’t devoured everything. She had listened in on our conversation and as soon as I put away my PDA, I encountered all four of her eyes staring at me with interest:

  “I scanned the various signal frequencies in the area and found the signal your friend mentioned. The transmitter is one level above us. Follow the light. It shall guide you.”

  The walls began to glow again, illuminating the path. I loaded my sleeping Zatrathi into the rhino and we moved out. A few minutes later we encountered a marble wall.

  “Step aside,” Eunice told Mercaloun’s minions and pulled out a plasma cutter. The layer of marble splintered and crumbled, flying in all directions in contravention of logic and earthly physics. In theory, the stone should have melted. I wasn’t the only one to notice this inconsistency. My wife did too. She halted her work and knelt down. She pulled out a drill and bored a small hole right above the floor. Her drill bit seemed to encounter a hollow several times and then abruptly sank a meter into the wall. Eunice removed the camera from her armor suit, attached it as a tip to the drill, and stuck it into the hole again.

  “Brainiac?”

  “There is a door here. Hang on. Step back a little. Wow! Check it out, Captain!”

  My screen displayed a hollow between the ordinary door and the stonework — it was filled with activated elo and small pellets of raq. I had seen this kind of application before. Graykill had used shrapnel like this to deal with the two Zatrathi Guards. I naturally had a hefty respect for the cacodemons, but their bodies were unlikely to withstand a direct hit from such a mine. And anyway, the marble lining isolated this area from the vermin. The pirates had approached the task of base security very seriously.

  “Keep going,” Brainiac said and Eunice extended the camera deeper. “Hah! There are more surprises here!”

  The door behind the marble layer was also mined with more raq shrapnel, only it was aimed in the other direction, toward the warehouse. Inside the warehouse itself we could make out the object of our raid: Shielded by several layers of metal mesh, a 1×1×1 meter cube rested on a small pedestal in the middle of the warehouse. The nearby shelves were packed with chests, bars of precious metal, weapons, and other equipment. A space pirates’ treasure vault. All we had to do was figure out what the local equivalent of ‘Speak friend and enter’ was — and we would be in the money. The signal that Tryd had mentioned and which Mercaloun had detected was being transmitted by one of the detonators. Once a minute, a short burst of data would emanate into space, indicating that everything was all right. There wasn’t anything else here, except for a shimmering loot crate. Whoever had created this room, had barricaded the door from the inside and then gone to his rebirth. There were no other doors, nor ventilation shafts. It was an ideal long-term storage chamber.

  Eunice poked her finger at her PDA, gesturing me to call Tryd again. We wouldn’t be able to slip through these traps without outside help. But I was against it. The fox wasn’t really on our side here. And the time had come to decide who I wanted to be: a pirate seeking to plunder lost treasure, or a blind sheep incapable of independent thought who looked to someone else for help.

  “Snake, make us ten strong pickaxes from raq and prepare the droids. I will send the transport over now. By the way, I’m sending you the Zatrathi we captured onboard. Take him to the medcapsule and keep him in suspended animation. He is our loot. And he’s worth a doozy. All clear?”

  Mercaloun continued monitoring our progress through her spawn, but she did not interfere. I barely had time to sit down to wait for the rhino when Brainiac announced:

  “We have received the Zatrathi warrior on board.”

  The cacodemon rhino had reached Warlock and was waiting to pick up the droids. Suddenly, Brainiac streamed an interesting spectacle to my screen — our own rhino marine had begun circling around the new arrival with evident interest, snorting with agitation and shaking his rump demonstratively. The snake decided to adopt the role of nature documentary narrator:

  “Our marine has found himself a mate! Cap’n, what would you say to the chance of expanding our Warlock family? Some cryptosaur pups? If you agree to it, the cryptosaur will transform into a female.”

  WHAT?! My rhinoceros, the alpha male, the crazy marine will become a female?! Never!

  “Abort!”

  “Come on, Cap’n! The little cryptosaur pups will grow to full size at a cost of a few tons of raq. This will greatly increase our combat power.”

  “Damn, couldn’t we accomplish this without breeding those two?” I asked, my confidence wavering.

  “No, Cap’n. That’s not how it works.”

  I merely grunted in response. I should know…

  “Snake, how long does a cryptosaur pregnancy last anyway?” I mumbled.

  My greed had begun to grapple with my deep reluctance to have to look at my marine and think ‘Et tu, Brute?’

  “One lunar month. The litter is typically between three to five pups.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Come on, Cap’n. Be a mensch!” the snake pleaded. “We can sell the ones we don’t need. And we’ll keep one for ourselves.”

  “Enough!” I had to put an end to this dispute decisively. “Mercaloun, can you transform your cryptosaur into a female? Like give him some extra bits and curves…or whatever a female rhino has… My marine is a male and that’s the way he’s going to stay!”

  “This is an amusing request, human,” the Lady cackled in reply. “I too would like to see what comes of their tryst.”

>   The mating ritual on my screen changed dramatically. My marine had just been showing off his rump when, prompted by an invisible tweak from Mercaloun, he proudly stuck out his chest and began circling his mate like a pompous peacock. The newly-made female growled something in response, my cryptosaur reared up and…ripples distorted the image.

  “Let’s not forget that we’re rated strictly 12 and up,” the engineer reminded and added in her ordinary voice: “The pickaxes are ready. They’re about to be delivered to you.”

  “If any cryptosaur pups are born, you will get one. I promise.”

  I didn’t want to continue this discussion further. I’m accustomed to thinking of marines as men and the only thing I’m open to is celebrating my marine’s future paternity. The droids arrived three minutes later and immediately began demolishing the wall. Only not the one that led to the door and was booby-trapped with explosives. I shifted to the right and ordered my metal workers to dig a new passage. After a couple meters, I adjusted the direction of the digging, heading now for the warehouse wall. Eunice went on cutting the spacers, retaining beams and other structural elements without any further comments. There was no need to worry about the base’s structural integrity. Mercaloun’s children would follow in our wake and eat everything inside the warehouse anyway, walls included.

  “Ready!” A large piece of metal plate collapsed in our direction. The droids dragged it away from the aisle and immediately the unpleasant buzz of circular saws filled my ears. The cacodemons had grown hungry during the wait. Having no great faith in my own dexterity, I sent the droids to scout the warehouse first. Brainiac guided them expertly and pretty soon they were hauling out everything they could. Bars of platinum, locked chests and some peculiar wooden figurines. The droids dragged all kinds of loot away from the potential epicenter of the explosion. I had no doubt that there was another booby-trap under the cube. The pirates were sure to mine the pedestal, so it was better to extract anything of value first. Some of the items had pretty singular seals on them, indicating their owner’s identity. I suppose Hilvar will be pleased to see his belongings again.

  “Everyone move aside!” Once there was nothing but the cube in the warehouse, I ordered the droids to deliver the loot to the ship. Securing all my things in my inventory, I asked Eunice to shine a light for me and began crawling through the hole we had made. The warehouse itself was filled with an intense cold which made me instantly regret coming in here all but naked. And yet, I did not rush to lay my hands on the cube, first taking a moment to examine it carefully from all sides — while hopping from foot to foot to warm myself up. Brainiac removed the lattice, but found no fixtures. It does not hurt to check one more time to be sure, however.

  Finding nothing, I reached out my hand. It was numb and shaking from the cold, but I acted slowly and deliberately, prepared to pull back at the first sign of danger. My fingers had almost touched the cube’s surface without encountering any resistance — when I jerked my hand away. Something didn’t add up. I didn’t like how easy this all was.

  “Lex, what’s taking you?” Eunice asked impatiently, but I just waved her away and went on examining the pedestal.

  Should I lift the cube up with my manipulators? No, this solution seemed too obvious. There could still be some undetected trap that would incinerate everything. I need to find some other way. Something that no reasonable creature would attempt. The pirates would set up their security system to foil anyone — anyone but a complete fool! After all, a complete fool would never make it this far to begin with…

  “Lex?” Eunice was surprised when I backtracked to the far wall and, getting a running start, sprinted straight at the pedestal. Coiling, I sent myself flying almost horizontally. The leap was accurate enough for me to crash into the cube. Something cracked, both inside the pedestal and inside me. As I had predicted there were additional fixtures here which Brainiac had not detected, yet they could not resist the inertia of my body mass. The cube, which practically stopped my flight, rocked and flew off the pedestal — straight into my inventory. There was a short pang and I was sent to respawn yet again.

  You cannot store a living creature with a developed intellect in your inventory. Exiled Anorxian Prince I-455-772 has been removed from your inventory.

  I was lying on the floor in complete darkness, laughing. Not even laughing — I was cackling maniacally. I could feel the debuffs that came with respawning, but I could not get into my armor to remove them. I needed help. The Debility debuff afflicted any player who died more than once within an hour. It could only be removed by another player — or by a half hour of inactivity. At least, I ignored all damage from players, creatures and items for the duration of the debuff. I suppose someone could drop a granite slab on me and as soon as the debuff expired, I would die again, but this was farfetched. The main thing was that I had invulnerability from any aggressive creatures that might wander into the respawn area.

  “Stop laughing!” said my wife’s dissatisfied voice. “Can you move?”

  “Did it get you too?” I almost choked with laughter, imagining the cost of restoring the class her armor suit had lost. I suppose Tryd will never get his cube until he compensates us for the repairs.

  “You bet! That conflagration you set off back there was enough to wipe out a dozen pirate bases. I believe even Mercaloun got hit.”

  “As long as the planet is whole, its planetary spirit will remain unharmed. But you are right, Nurse. The explosion completely destroyed the base. I will have to relocate to another lair.”

  I felt a prick in my shoulder and the Debility debuff disappeared. I jumped to my feet and immediately donned my armor suit. A couple of injections and I was fine. Mercaloun’s minions were already hovering over Eunice. Some sharp-looking implements flashed in the cacodemon’s paws and her debuff vanished without a trace. Eunice got up and pulled her armor suit out of her inventory — causing my eyes to go wide.

  “It’s a bit too valuable an item to risk so wantonly,” the girl explained, interpreting my astonishment correctly. “When you crawled inside, I decided to play it safe and took it off. Try and warn me next time you decide to do something insane. Restoring an armor class will hurt our family budget.”

  “So what happened there anyway?” I decided to change topics, accepting her criticism.

  “Give me a second, I’ll bring up the video. Here, look. I think I’ll call it ‘Surgeon’s Surgery.’”

  Eunice shared the video with me. My leap really had been an epic one. As soon as the cube rocked, an energy grid fell from above, cutting me into three neat pieces. The explosive at the door detonated, blasting pellets of raq in all directions, while a fiery hell opened up beneath Eunice’s feet. The camera managed to record only one millisecond before the girl followed me to rebirth and as a result, the last frame of the video displayed nothing but fire. Even my scant knowledge of the sapper business was enough to understand that the blast wave had not come from the warehouse, but from beneath its floor.

  “I didn’t know that you were recording,” I said, surprised.

  “Yeah. Initially, I wanted to make a let’s play series for the marine class but then I realized there wouldn’t be much interest in it. There are lots of marines in Galactogon, but not so many pirates. I already published the first episode. I’m editing the second one and shooting the third. The warehouse explosion should make for a good ending!”

  “Ep-episodes? W-what episodes?” I stuttered from surprise.

  “Why are you all tense suddenly?” Eunice failed to understand my reaction. “Yeah, I’m making a video series about being a space pirate. I’m even shooting it from two angles at once. You’re the one who granted me access to your camera, remember?”

  “You never said you’d use it to make videos. You just said you wanted to see yourself from a 3rd person POV,” I seethed. It’s not that I was opposed to video recording in general. I just didn’t like that she had never told me about it.

  “Lex, I…”
Eunice hesitated and came closer to me, putting her hand on my chest. “I wanted it to be a surprise when you saw the result. Don’t be angry. I studied video editing and cinematography. A couple of my short films even won first place in amateur contests. And that was all with material from Runlustia where nothing epic ever happened. Imagine the kind of interest we can generate with advertisers when they see material like this!”

  The smile crept onto my face of its own volition. That little devil! She knew exactly what buttons to push! Advertisers really would be interested in this material, and if we packaged it in some slick format, they’d perhaps even go into a frenzy for it.

  “Whether or not we’ll find that check remains unclear, but either way, half of the rights to the video will be ours. They’re our Plan B.”

  The cacodemon rhino snorted loudly next to us. We were being delicately reminded that our adventures on this planet had ended and it was time to move on. Picking up the cube, I hopped into the rhino and a few minutes later we were standing before my updated ship.