“No one should have to live that way,” he growls. “Especially not you. God, how have you managed to stay so sweet?” His fingers whisper along my jaw then he pulls me even tighter against his side. “It scares the hell out of me, you being there. Now that I know.”
I bask in the safety of his arms. I’ve never had anyone make me feel safe like this and I honestly wish we could stay here forever. I press a kiss against his pec and then snuggle down into his arms.
Anything feels possible right now.
“We’ll figure it out, I promise,” Roman says, pulling the covers up over us. “Nothing is going to keep us apart. I love you, baby. That’s all that matters.”
I lay my cheek against his warm skin and exhale.
More than anything I hope he’s right, that we’ll survive what is sure to be a shitstorm of epic proportions. I’ve fought to keep my head above water for so long, it’s natural to me, but now I’ve got someone on my side.
Someone I least expected, and somehow, who gives me hope.
With Roman, I finally believe in something more.
About the Author
L.E. Bross writes contemporary romance and loves a happily ever after, but only after her characters earn it because easy isn’t always better. Ever Lost: Lost Boys of Neverly Prep, book 1 of her new RH bully romance, is available now on Amazon.
The Reason by Evelyn Masters
A Bully Romance
Trigger warnings: Contains talk and attempted suicide. May be a trigger for some people.
Prologue
Junior year Bramtown High
“KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF!” I’m barricaded in the girls bathroom, leaning on the door like it will somehow offer me extra protection from the voices. The chanting continues from outside and even with my hands covering my ears, I can still hear it. I know there are others out there yelling slut, whore, and gutter girl. I’ve tried and tried to ignore them, to just keep my head down. I just needed to last a little longer but I should've known that wasn’t going to happen.
He finally succeeded. He finally broke my soul. That crowd out there is right, I should just kill myself. Not because they will be better off without me. No, I’ll be better off without them and this shitty world that’s done nothing for me. My pulse is pounding in my ears at the thought of finally putting an end to everything. Their shouts muffled by the racing of my heart and the staccato of my breath rushing in and out of my chest.
I dig around in my backpack for my craft kit for art class. Pulling out my exacto knife, that I’ve used so many times before, which will now be my savior. Even though I know this is what I truly want now, my hands still shake from the adrenaline pumping through my body. I drop the kit scattering the pieces around my feet the blade glinting in the glare of the fluorescent lights, drawing me into the promise of sweet relief.
I’m jolted out of my thoughts when there is suddenly a pounding on the door. I realize the chanting has also stopped, a tense silence following. Now Principal Daniel’s voice is booming through. I move away from the door, just staring at it. My reality fading out to the sole focus of the blessed ending that is white-knuckled in my right hand.
“Madison! You need to open this door right now!” His voice cracked with panic like he can see through the door to what I have planned.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Daniel. I can’t do that-“ my breath hitches, “they win. Tell my Granny, I’m so sorry,” tears streamed down my face as I pressed the blade to my left wrist dragging it up my forearm. Holy fuck, it hurts way more than I thought it would but the pain quickly turns to numbness. My brain shutting off to protect itself. I fall down to the floor, my knees cracking on the unforgiving tiled floor.
I need to hurry up to do my next wrist, I’m losing feeling in my hand and can barely hold the knife, my blood now coating it. Just as I go press the blade into my right arm, the door bursts open, allowing a flood of adults into the room. My vision too hazy to tell who is who. People are shouting, someone is calling 9-1-1 and someone else is grabbing my left arm trying to stop the bleeding.
“Nooooooo” a pained wail escapes my lips before I finally succumb to the darkness. I did it, it’s over….only it wasn’t because by some miracle they got to me in time. Apparently, I can’t even kill myself right.
I come to suddenly, a beeping noise the only thing I hear. Looking over, I see the monitor that tells me the sound is my own increasing heartbeat.. I let out a great big sob, angry that they had saved me. I didn’t NEED saving, I needed to leave all this bullshit behind. Thankfully darkness takes over again and I slowly slip into an even deeper depression.
Chapter One
8 months and 1 Sunnyvale Institution stay later…
Fucking Bramtown High. I can’t believe I am back at this gods damn hell hole. If I want to enact my plan though, this is where I have to be. These assholes are going to pay for what they did to me. I spent the last 5 months of my junior year and most of summer break in a mental intuition. They finally let me out 2 weeks ago after it was deemed I was no longer a threat to myself and I was finally “healing”.
Really all I did those months was plot out how I was going to destroy these motherfuckers. Especially their ring leader and King of Bramtown High, Ian Ferris. He made sure to keep his hands clean and never actually did anything himself. He had no problem pulling the strings though. Always in the background with an infuriating smirk on his face. I’ve never figured out what the pompous prick’s problem is with me but I’m pretty sure it has to do with something I saw four years ago. It doesn’t matter now though.
So here I am now, standing in the school parking lot. It’s filling up quickly. People getting here earlier than usual wanting to catch up with friends on the first day back at school. Up front, there is a larger crowd of people. Telling me exactly where my number one target was. I bet he hasn't lost a minute of sleep over what he did to me. That's okay because I'm going to become the most beautiful nightmare he's had the misfortune of creating.
I keep getting glances as everyone walks past me but no one stops. After I got out of Sunnyvale, I went to the hair salon for a makeover. My once blonde hair is now a shiny chocolate brown, cut to sit just below my shoulder blades. I’ve left it to its natural waves today. My blue eyes now dull and empty, almost grey like a storm rolling in.
Let’s face it as far as this school is concerned, Hurricane Madison is coming. I chose dark wash skinny jeans, a teal soft v-neck T-shirt, and white slip-on Vans for my feet for today. I want to look different but I don’t want to stick out too much. I kind of wish I had gone with shorts now though as I’m standing here. Summer is still very present as I feel sweat gathering on the back of my neck. I feel someone approaching my left and know who it is without looking. My surprise ally…
Sunnyvale Institution 3 weeks after….
They came and told me I had a visitor. Which is confusing because Granny was here yesterday and she could barely make that trip. Guilt gnaws at my stomach for what I’ve put her through. She already lost my dad, her only son. He was the best dad and raised me by himself after my mom died while giving birth to me. He could have hated and resented me for taking away his wife. Instead, he gave me the best life I could ask for until he was killed in a hit and run when I was twelve.
There’s a hole in my chest that still aches when I think of him. The chair scraping across the floor across from me, pulled me from my miserable thoughts. I look up finding a familiar face staring at me with apprehension. Kieren Matthews, Ian Ferris’ cousin, slowly lowers himself in the chair, hands raised as if approaching a wounded animal. To be honest, I’m pretty sure the smile, which was all teeth, I’m giving looks equal parts strained and psychotic. I open my mouth to ask him why the fuck he’s here but it’s like someone stole all my words from me.
“Madison, I...I wanted to come sooner but they weren’t allowing visitors.” He whispers out just loud enough for me to catch it. He’s been trying to visit me? What in all the holy
hell?
“Why?” Finally squeezing words out of my throat. Didn’t he hate me like everyone else? Shouldn’t he be afraid his cousin will find out he has been talking to me? He is probably trying to figure out if I’m going to turn his family in or something.
“I just need to see how you are doing. I’m disgusted by my cousin. I know he never actually did anything but we all know he is the one pulling the strings. I should have tried to stop him or done something...ANYTHING, to help you. I’m sorry I was a coward.” His eyes glassy and lips trembling.
“So you’re here to make yourself what, feel better? You think saying you’re sorry fixes THIS?!” I yell throwing my arm in his face so he can see the five inch scar going up my arm. I regained full use of my hand but I’ve lost feeling in three fingers and part of my palm. Apparently, the nerves I cut through may or may not continue to repair themselves. The skin still looks raw and puckered, I refuse to cover it though. Fuck them. Tears running down both our faces. Mine from anger and his from sorrow and pity. I don’t need his or anyone else’s pity. I’m going to raze this town to the ground as soon as I’m out of here.
“Don’t worry, I'm not going to rat out your cousin. I’m going to take care of him myself. Now get out, Kieren.” I tell him through gritted teeth. He stands while wiping his face with his sleeve.
“Okay, Maddie. I’ll leave for now but I’m coming back tomorrow and every day after that. You’re never going to be alone again. I’ll help you fight Ian, if that’s what you want.” His posture becoming straighter and his voice ringing truth and sincerity. I just stare straight through him until he’s gone from view. He kept his word though and came back every day.
Most of the time, I ignored him. He’d just sit beside me reading or he would tell me about stuff going on. After six weeks of him visiting, I found myself actually looking forward to seeing him. I slowly began to interact with him and we talked about everything and nothing. I told him, I planned to destroy everyone. He fully supported me and wanted to help me accomplish my goal. He started being my eyes and ears on the outside. Giving me every little bit of information he could get. After he would leave his visit, I found myself praying he would still want to be my friend after he sees the true monster I’ll become.
Present day
Kieren throwing his arm around my shoulders, pull me back to the present. He’s classically handsome, ash brown hair that he wears in the fresh out of bed look. You can tell by looking at it that it’s thick and a little coarse. Long enough on the top that it brushes his forehead. He’s taller than me by six inches, at around 6’1 and the strong body of a swimmer. His skin tan from the summer sun but even in winter his olive skin lends to an almost permanent sun-kissed look. It looks like he skipped shaving this morning giving him a little edge.
If my heart hadn’t died in that bathroom, I could love Kieren easily with everything I had. That’s the type of love he deserves but it won’t be what he gets from me. Instead, he settles for the dull thud that echoes in my chests now. Sometimes I catch him looking at me, with his sea green eyes that look like the clearest tropical waters when they catch the light, with a softness that makes me flinch knowing I’ll never be worthy of it. He’s never made a move for anything more. I think he knows deep down that I will end up burning in this destruction of my own making. Oh, but what a way to go...
I continue to stand there as I stare at the school. I keep waiting for it to look different from the last time I was here. Nope, still the same two-story red brick building with a sign saying Bramtown High School: Home of the Badgers. I snort internally to myself because come on, everyone knows of the honey badger meme.
My next thoughts turn a little morbid wondering if they were able to clean up the blood from the floor of the girls' bathroom. Did the grout absorb the blood and permanently stain it in varying shades of pink? Did they close down that bathroom, afraid the emotions now permeating the walls may rub off on another student? Or did students looking for attention leave flowers like a memorial, acting like they liked me and they can’t believe such a tragedy would occur in our small town? My eyes roll at that thought because it honestly sounds like some of the girls here. Finally turning toward Kieren, I find him studying me the way I was studying the school.
“What?” I ask, my brows drawn together in confusion.
“Nothing, it’s just...you changed your hair. It looks great it’s just different. I almost walked right past you.” He chuckles low under his breath. I reach up touching my hair trying not let old insecurities take me over. I shake my head because no way will I be that mouse of a girl. So instead I do the mature thing and stick my tongue out at him. This earns me a genuine laugh and a few heads turn our direction. The warning bell lets out a shrill ring and most of the students start moving towards the school.
“Okay Maddie, you ready to do this?” This time concern flashes in eyes before it shutters away and he smiles at me. Though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Yep” letting the p pop at the end.
Really though there is no way to be prepared for this day. I know I’m really lucky to have Kieren with me. Keeping his arm around my shoulder, we walk towards the school. A few people say hi to him as we walk past. He isn’t super popular but he is very well liked at school. I catch a few confused looks like they are trying to place where they know me from. As we get closer to the building I feel like it’s casting a shadow over me. My breath hitching slightly, Kieren doesn’t miss it and stops moving. He steps in front of me, grabbing my face gently in both hands.
“It’s going to be okay, Maddie. You’ve got this, remember the plan. Now just breathe, sweetheart.” he whispers just loud enough for me to hear. I snap out of it at the feel of his lips ghosting over my forehead. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
Reaching up, I wrap my hands around his wrists, squeezing slightly letting him know I’m okay now. He moves back to my side this time grabbing my hand and pulling me forward. Well, here goes nothing.
Chapter Two
Thankfully, they mailed us our schedules, locker numbers, and combos. They were definitely surprised when Granny called, telling them I was coming back. They suggested to her several times that we should consider homeschooling. Personally, I think they don’t want to have to look at their walking, talking failure. They could have stopped the bullying sooner but they all just acted like they didn’t see anything. Now as I step in the school, there are several anti-bullying and suicide hotline posters. This like 'Be a buddy, not a bully', 'Kind is the new cool', 'Suicide isn’t the answer', 'Don’t give up'. I roll my eyes. These are all bullshit and everyone knows it.
“When did they put these?” I watch Kieren out the corner of my eye. His shoulders tense, his mouth pulled in a tight line. He squeezes my hand but it’s my left hand so I hardly feel how hard it is.
“About a week after-“ he leaves off the rest, his eyes drawn down to my scar. Of course, the school cared after it was too late.
“Hey Cousin, who’s the new arm candy?” The voice causing my whole body tense up, Kieren’s following suit.
His eyes turn cold as he turns his head to look behind him. I barely turn my head to look through the curtain of my hair. Ian Ferris stands with his hand in the pocket of his khaki pants, a red polo tucked in. He looks every bit the boy next door, blonde hair that’s artfully disheveled, sky blue eyes, a trim body from playing soccer.
Behind him, his posse stands in a V formation. Daniel Michaels, Carter Jones a.k.a CJ, their sneering girlfriends standing behind them. Michelle Trainer and Becky Alles, undoubtedly the two biggest bitches in school. They are in for a rude awakening though because there’s a new head bitch in town.
“Ian.” His head nodding almost imperceptibly at his cousin. His gaze flicks over the group like he’s waiting for an attack to happen any minute.
“It’s okay, Kie, he was going to find out sooner or later,” I say giving his hand a tight squeeze before fulling turning around.
I purposely use my left hand to tuck my hair behind my ear, flashing my scar at the group. The girls gasp with recognition, Daniel flinches just slightly and CJ just looks bored. Ian’s lips curl up in a sneer, fire, and hatred filling his once dead looking stare.
“Oh look, who it is. The suicidal slut, who couldn’t kill herself right.” His voice loud enough to draw a crowd. Suddenly, Kieren is moving and pressing his much wider chest with Ian’s.
“That’s enough!” His voice drops to a dangerous level that I’ve never heard him use before. If I was any other, I might have swooned but that’s not me anymore. I don’t need him to stand up for me.
“Kieren,” I snap out and he steps back to my side. His hand fisted so tightly his knuckles are white.
Looking right at Ian, everything else disappears, my hate for him boiling my blood to the point I expect to self combust. I smile at him but it’s not my pretty one, no this is my I’m-fucking-crazy-and-I-have-the-certificate-to-prove-it smile. He continues to glare at me but I see a moment of apprehension in his eyes. That’s right asshole, you’re about to learn a very hard lesson.
“Let’s go Kie, we have better things to do than waste air on the grade-A douchebags.” That gets a gasp out of the crowd around us. O.M.G. Someone stood up for themselves self, notify the press.
Rolling my eyes, I grab Kieren’s hand and dragged him with me. My hands starting to shake and get clammy from the adrenaline of facing off with my nemesis. Holy shit! I really did it! A giggle slips free and it’s a crazy sound coming from my mouth. That giddiness flew right out the window at the next words shouted from Ian’s mouth.
Tormented: A Bully Romance Anthology Page 8