Cracked Pots

by Heather Tucker

  “Can we plant a tree for him at Skyfish?”

  “How about a dogwood?”

  “Yeah.” He fastens his twig arms around his stick legs. “I never, ever want to go back to that house.”

  “We never will. The bank owns it now.”

  “Where will Ronnie go?”

  “Shirley’s taking your dad up to Sudbury until his knee gets better. She invited Ronnie to go with.”

  “Will O’Toole go to jail forever?”

  “I have a rule about the nest. Any and all shit stays outside. That way it’s always clean and safe. We can talk about anything, but not here.”

  “That’s going to be my rule in my dragonfly nest.”

  “You hungry?”

  “For grilled cheese.” We spin Neil Diamond because he was Todd’s favourite. I type an essay while Mikey completes his project on dinosaurs. Then we write letters, mine to Jake, Mikey’s to Alex. “Can we plant a dogwood tree for Natasha, too?”

  “Tell Alex that we’ll plant it this summer and he can come see it one day.”

  “Can I make a party for my mom before we go?”

  “Sure.”

  By the time Aaron arrives at the nest, we’ve perfected dinosaur pancakes. “Oh, hey, hi, Mikey.” He tucks his testosterone and disappointment in his pockets.

  “Mikey offered to bolster me through the sadness of missing volleyball tonight.”

  “It’s nice you’ll have company since I’ve a class.”

  Sitting at a table, eating, talking, listening is akin to medicine. I realize it’s been six hours since I popped a pain pill.

  Aaron’s keys are on the counter. I slide a key onto his ring. “Just in case we’re asleep.”

  “You sure?”

  “As sure as I am about anything.”

  Mikey is asleep on the air mattress and I’m propped on the bed reading A Place on Earth, for pleasure, not academics, when Aaron returns. He quiet-steps over Mikey, gives me a kiss and a pastry box. “From Giselle.”

  “The kiss?”

  He shakes his head and heads to the bathroom. The note atop is as sweet as the date squares.

  Ari, we all miss you. Come September we’ve decided on a Monday night swim. Sonja tore her rotator cuff two years ago and swimming helped her get good movement back.

  Remember, we play for fun and that’s the important thing. Anyway, I’m sure you could play better with one arm than most do with two. See you in September. Be there, or we’ll come and get you.

  * * *

  Aaron, in PJ pants and a black T-shirt, feels normal in this place. I snug up to the wall. He says, “Maybe I should stretch out beside Mikey.”

  I lift the covers. “I’ll behave.”

  “Don’t know if I can.”

  “Eat a date square. It’s almost as filling.”

  He nestles in. “This, here with you, is the best adventure yet.”

  “I’m dropping Mikey off at Sabina’s after we hand stuff in at school. Will you be home for dinner and maybe a sundae with an Ari on top?”

  “Give me that friggin’ box.” Until this moment, I’ve never seen Aaron utter a word with his mouth full. “Get comfy and I’ll read to you.”

  * * *

  On Thursday, Aaron comes home later than usual, showers ’til the hot water runs out and doesn’t ask for the sundae.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He crumples on the chair. “Belle. She’s really upset.”

  “Why?”

  “She came to my room after school and asked straight out if I . . . if we . . .”

  “You told her?”

  “Jeff mentioned I wasn’t staying at his place anymore. Guess my face told her the rest. She . . . slapped me.”

  “What?”

  “Said she thought I was different from the rest of the pigs. She’s right. I know what you’ve lived. I should’ve been the one man that didn’t take from you.”

  “Don’t. Don’t you dare try to be a father to me.” I move to the counter, slicing onions with the biggest knife I have. “And don’t make her propriety or your guilt mine.”

  He sighs into his hands. “I’ve always known this was wrong.”

  “You’re not dumping your shalt nots on me. This is the rightest I felt since Jake left. I love you as a boyfriend. I love the loving and,” I wipe my nose on my sleeve. “I need the holding.” He walks ’round the counter, takes the knife from my hand, and hushes my hair. “Don’t leave me, Aaron. Not yet. Please.”

  “I couldn’t, even if I believed I should.”

  Midnight, I slip out of the knot of arms and legs and stretch the phone to the stoop. I wake Auntie Mary and sigh. “Why does knowing me wreck things?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Belle hates Aaron for loving me. Aaron feels like shit.”

  “He’s becoming his own man, and it’s about bloody time. Get some sleep, then make them talk things out.”

  * * *

  Friday, I open the door, recognizing Mr. Lukeman’s shape on the other side of the knock. “Hello, Ari Joy Zajac.”

  “A lawyer making a house call. This can’t be good.”

  “Had business with Bernie and thought I’d stop up and see why you’re avoiding me.” He sets down his briefcase. “So, why haven’t you returned my calls?”

  “One, because you want to give me Len’s money. And two, you’re going to tell me that I have to relive all this horror in open court.”

  “What I most want to give you is this.” He hands over an envelope. “Your new name, legal and official, from A to J to Z. You are Appleton-free. And more good news: O’Toole’s pleading guilty on the murder charge in return for protective custody. So, no trial.”

  “Did he turn on the Dick? Snake?”

  His head shakes in the negative. “Serves him best to keep every ally he’s got. I did meet with Irwin. Extinguished every last hope he had for a payout. God, he’s pathetic.”

  “Can you believe my mum screwed over Len for him?”

  “No. Speaking of which.” He sneakily slips in a portfolio. “I know Len’s money has caused so much turmoil but that’s behind you now and—”

  “I don’t want it. It’s blood money.”

  “Best way to get the blood off it is do some good with it.” The math in my head says ninety-eight thousand, minus three thousand a year for four years, minus lawyer fees, leaves maybe fifty thousand dollars. He shows me a page with the bottom line of ten thousand six hundred dollars. “Ari, would you like me to continue administering it for you?”

  “Um, how much does university cost?”

  “There’s more than enough for a PhD if you want.”

  “I want enough for Mikey to become an astrophysicist.”

  “You let me continue to invest this and there’ll be money for his schooling. This is your time to rest, free from worries. I’ll be in touch.”

  I watch him down the stairs while Aaron gathers the papers. “This is amazing, Ari. A hundred thousand will go a long way to caring for a hundred Mikeys.”

  “What?” I tilt the papers and the one hundred and six thousand registers. “How?” I fly down the steps. “Mr. Lukeman, how’s there more than we started with?”

  “Good market. Great investment advice.”

  “Do I pay you enough?”

  “Nia’s a good friend and you’re the most entertaining client I have.”

  “Wish all kids with twisted messes could have a lawyer like you.”

  * * *

  Saturday, Aaron checks another knock, paling at Belle’s outline through the curtain. “Why’s she here?”

  “I asked her to come.”

  I never realized how loud my clock tick-tocks until we all sit staring at the floorboards for two hundred and seventeen seconds. “Sooo, Belle, before we start disse
cting how disappointed you are in Aaron, let me first say that he has never been a father figure to me. I’ve always had rescuers, lucky, lucky kid that I am, but I’ve only ever had one counterbalance. Aaron’s always been the one solid person equalizing all my chaos with goodness. He’s not taking advantage. There’s no improperness.”

  Her head wobbles in the direction of no.

  “For ten months, he was my teacher. For forty-eight months after that, he’s been my friend. Please. For pity sake, math has to be on my side for once.”

  “It’s not right.”

  “Aaron officially resigned as a teacher two weeks ago. If I thought this would wreck his career, I would’ve gone home with Mary. He doesn’t belong in a brick building. He needs open water.”

  “It’s not right for you.”

  “Tell me what about my life is right? There’re so many corpses, I don’t know how to navigate life. I can’t reconcile that first love for Natasha ended in death. And sex? My father so scrambled the rightness of it that I don’t know how to rewrite it. It’s like reading Rumi without translation from the Persian. And presently my last dance is so mixed up there’s no hope of him screwing anything straight.”

  They both bite back a smile.

  “Tell me, Belle, who better to heal that part of me than Aaron? What better man on this earth is there?”

  She looks at my face.

  “Don’t hate him for loving me. It’s breaking his heart and mine.”

  She chews the inside of her cheek.

  “Besides, think of him. If I don’t teach him a thing or two, he’s going to end up with some mouse named Sister Beulah who wears a girdle and an unremovable brassiere under her nightie.”

  Weights shift in the room.

  “Will you stay for supper?”

  “I suppose.”

  Fifty-Seven

  As promised, Mikey’s mom is waiting on the sidewalk. She struggles with the door to the jeep. “You have a car?”

  “Belongs to a friend.”

  “Where’re we going?”

  “When’s the last time you treated yourself to the hairdressers?”

  “Gosh, before Mikey was born.”

  I work on a book report while Francine conjures a Doris Day ’do on Laura. Her gum snaps as she scans her makeup sample kit. “Now, for a little colour.” She blushes up Laura’s cheeks and swipes her eyelashes with mascara, then rummages for a tiny tube of lipstick. “Here it is, Angel Kiss. Perfect for your colouring.”

  “You look like a million bucks, Laura. Let’s up it with new threads.”

  I drive her to the boutique and she hesitates at the door. “This is too swanky for me, Ari.”

  “My aunt wants to meet you.”

  Sabina hurries over, warmly welcoming Laura. “So happy to finally meet the mother of such a wonderful boy.”

  “You know my Mikey?”

  “He’s good friends with my sons.”

  “This your store?”

  “Yes, and I have something that will look stunning on you.” Sabina picks a brown suit, polyester for easy care but beautifully made, and a teal blouse.

  “Oh, it’s so fine. I couldn’t.”

  Sabina says, “Please. I can’t afford to pay Ari for all the stock she makes for me. This reduces my debt, a little.”

  If I worked night and day for twenty years, I could never repay this family for what it’s done for me and Mikey. “How about you give us a taste of whatever smells so good and we’ll be even.”

  We head up the stairs to the table set with the fanciest dishes. Mikey jump-jump-jumps, more animated than I’ve seen him since Todd’s death. “Happy birthday!”

  “Mikey? Oh, my goodness. My goodness. What’s this?” Laura’s hug is shaky. “My birthday’s in August.”

  “But I always miss it. Aaron and me made cake.”

  She lifts her head to the counter. “You’re Aaron?” He nods. “Thank you. Really, thank you.”

  “All Mikey’s idea.”

  When I drive her home, she fingers the new locket around her neck. “I know it’s all them folk from your way that’s made Mikey the boy he is.”

  “You have, too, Laura.”

  “If only I could shake this. For good like. Then I could care for him like should be done.”

  “You have the number for Springwood.”

  “I’ll go this time. I will. These folks where he’s going will take care of him, right?”

  “You’ve not a single worry he’ll be loved in the most nurturing place on Earth.”

  “I never had nothin’ like that. Left home when I was fifteen to get away from my stepdaddy. Never had no princess life like that girl who died.” She blink-blink-blinks, her eyelash catching a tear. “But my boy made me feel like a queen today. You hear him say he wants to be a rocket scientist? He’s smart, eh?”

  “He’s one special kid.”

  “If he sticks with me, his lot will be baggin’ groceries at best. And with that father of his, soon enough he’d turn mean. Dick wasn’t always so off his temper, you know. He worked good. Never missed a shift. Don’t know how that upstart, O’Toole, got him so wrapped around his little pinkie. The O’Tooles lived on my street growin’ up, did you know that?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “His daddy was so nice, always buying us treats from the Good Humor truck. Never heard him yellin’, not like my daddy. O’Toole was two years ahead of me in school. Oh, did the girls hang off him. Everyone did. Got so big of himself, he lost himself.”

  “That’s a gem of an insight, Laura. Mikey gets more of his smarts from you than you give yourself credit for.”

  “Pish-posh. Ain’t got a brain in my head. You’ll bring him back on school breaks like you said?”

  “Promise. And when you’re ready, I’ll take you east to see him.”

  “You mean it? I ain’t never had a holiday.”

  “Mikey can’t wait for all the Cove to meet you.”

  “Tell him I’m letting him go because I know it’s best for him right now.”

  “Every day.”

  “Let me off here.” She shimmies her shoulders after stepping out. “I want to show off the new me. Bye. Keep our boy safe.”

  I merge into traffic, reluctantly turning right until I’m on crapstreet. There is a metal bin on the craphouse lawn, plywood over the front window, and workmen pitching out the toxic waste of Dick Irwin’s life. Poking out of the top of the bin is Cunt’s cage, Mum’s party skirt still atop.

  I head to the cemetery, placing dog treats on Todd’s grave, hoping some gentle creatures will come and visit. “I’m so sorry, Todd. I miss you more than I have words to say.”

  Fifty-Eight

  I love how sex surges over the absences in my life. I soak up the escape in it, letting the bed become my ocean. Aaron and I barely make it to shore for sustenance from mid-June to end.

  The fan skims our post-rapture, stripped-bare skin as we pillow talk. He sighs. “Can I stay here next week and feed your fish?”

  “One, the fish are made of clay and two, you need to find equilibrium with your parents before heading south.”

  “They won’t accept this.”

  “You’re nearing twenty-eight, man. What’s happening between us doesn’t have to be confessed. Just go and be their son and love them like you do.”

  “They’ll see the sin written all over my face.”

  My body tucks to a sit. “You think we’re sin?”

  “I didn’t say that. But having sex outside of marriage is my parents’ definition of sin.”

  “So . . . this would be the thing that makes me bad in their eyes?”

  “It’s a big thing with them.”

  “Your mom sent a letter after I toppled ByBillyBob into the great beyond, full of blather about forgiveness and another
after I put Todd in the path of a fatal bullet. I’m innocent in those things and wicked for loving you?” I pull the afghan around my naked self. “Please don’t tell them. Having Belle disapproving just about beached Ori.”

  “Ori?”

  “Your dolphin. The middle of ‘glorious.’ Kind of like us, don’t you think?”

  “I know that we, us, are the middle. If things work out this summer for you and Jake, don’t hesitate, not for a minute, to do what you need to do for you.”

  “Dalhousie is lost for me, but I hold a filament of hope that Jake will find his way there.” I finger his good face. “If Jake turns about, I will turn with him.”

  “I know. I do know that.”

  “Wherever I land, this place is still yours for the year.”

  “Go home knowing that I’m not hiding this from my parents. I’m not hiding us from anyone, and if one day I find there’s a god and he judges me for having completely loved someone, then he’s not anyone I’d want to hang with for eternity.” He kisses the smile on my lips. “I’ll call in August and you can let me know if I should bring Zodiac back with me.”

  “Holy dog. It’s safe for him now, isn’t it.”

  Fifty-Nine

  Her name isn’t Lucy, it’s Muriel. I bring her a coffee, four sugars, two cream. “Hi, Muriel. Tino in?”

  “Let me check, hon.” Her nail spears the button on the phone, then red lips wax wide. “Mr. C. says go right in.”

  Tino stands. “Hey, kitten. How’s the foot?”

  “Not so bad. It’s the situation of having worn my arm backwards that’s giving me trouble.” I unload a pastry box on his desk. “Thanks for not murdering the Dick.”

  “You have too big a heart.”

  “I just figure scaring the shit out of him for the rest of his days has it over a quick end. Besides, Mikey has plotted the Dick’s death so much, I worry the actuality would be too much with his current guilt-load.”