by Emjay Soren
“What are you thinking Chad?” She asked me and the sound of her voice built me higher. I wanted her talking, guiding me, filling my head with whatever devious thoughts she had.
“I can’t think. I see you sittin’ on my lap fresh from a wicked orgasm, your first and I gave it to you. I’m watching you baby and it’s all I need.” I groaned, stroking faster. I was so close; I needed her mouth. “Kiss me, baby.” I took her mouth, thrusting into her the only way I could, matching my hand as I fisted myself. Within seconds I was right there. “Here I go, baby.”
Holy fuck!
I exploded, grabbing my shirt, and lifting it as I angled myself to grab my cap before exploding into it. The sound of my wet flesh and her breathing made the orgasm last longer than any before it.
We were silent as she sat up, moving down to look between us, seeing that the cap was covering my dick she started to laugh. “Wow, I’m impressed. That’s both resourceful and fast thinking.”
I cleaned up fast, tossing the cap out the window before tucking my junk back in my jeans. “I had it in my back pocket. It usually helps with my hair after a show because I sweat so much.” She went to move off of me, but I wasn’t near ready yet. “Wait.” Is all I could say.
I slipped the straps of her bra over each arm and slid the lace up her shoulder. I cupped each breast, kissed them, and gently covered her up before clasping her bra in the back. My lips were everywhere as I whispered, “I hate to cover this perfect skin.”
God, I wanted her naked and laid out for me, but instead I put her shirt back over her head and let my fingers wander as I smoothed the fabric. I wondered if she knew how reverent I wanted to be here. I want her to know that this meant something. I was used to taking my fill and bouncing out the door after. I had no clue what to do next, so I went with what I did know for certain. “I want you to know that what we did here tonight, it doesn’t change what I feel. If anything, I’m in even deeper and more terrified.”
“I’m scared too.” She says as she rolls her fingers in my hair as I lay my head on her chest. “What are you scared of?”
I look at her, so beautiful and perfect and hope that what I fear never rings true. “That you did all of this because you think you have to in order to keep me interested. I have a checkered past with women and relationships, and it was always about sex. I’m not ashamed of it and I enjoyed every second, but that doesn’t mean you have to cave to what I want. With you Carrie, it’s private and personal and there is no rush. I want you, obviously, but I want you on your terms baby.”
She nods as if understanding and kisses me soft and sweet. I earned something in being honest though because she trusted me enough to tell me things, I don’t think she has ever told another soul. “I am not like normal girls. My experience in sex is tainted and ugly. Every kiss and every touch has been absolutely awful. Ranging anywhere from boring to utterly terrifying.”
I want to know what the fuck she means. I want to know if this is the shit Noah meant and even as my confusion where the Becketts are concerned, I know it would change nothing for me. When I go to question her about it, she stills me. “I’m not ready to explain myself or my past yet, but I care for you Chad, and I am so scared of how bad this will feel if it ends. I just ask that what I do share with you is taken as a gift and with respect, and if this thing between us goes nowhere, that whatever happens between us stays between us.”
My head is spinning and words like rape and torture feel their way into my mind. I hope not, fuck I hope not. I cannot handle knowing someone could harm this woman or rob her in such a vile way. Knowing my reaction will be telling, I try to stay calm and understanding though I am neither. “I’ll try to not push you, but I want to know what you’re talking about. We all know that whatever happened when you guys were little was bad, and I can only imagine and hope I’m wrong, but whatever happens between us, is ours and ours alone Carrie.”
She nods sweetly but doesn’t hold my gaze. I get it, she has something to work toward telling me and I will be here when she does. “Well then, I guess we can see what happens and not stress so much. You are you, and I like it….a lot. That vulgar Rockstar thing you had going on a few minutes ago. I really liked that, babe.” She winks as she says it and I will lay all the dirty talk out there any time she wants.
“I knew you were into the dirty talk.” I laugh and kiss her again. “It’s nice to know these things.”
“I think you like being the dirty talker in this scenario.”
“If I’m dirty talkin’ to you, then hell yeah!”
She bit that lip and I grab her ass pulling her in. I want to go at her all night, even if I rub my dick raw. It would be worth it. But I know Noah and guarantee he will come looking and this is shit he doesn’t need to see. I groan as I ease her off of me and feel like a pouty bitch for not getting to play longer.
“Let me get you inside before Noah comes looking for you and finds me getting you off... again, because I’m seriously about to throw every bit of restraint I have right out the window.”
She looked as sad about it as I was, but I forced myself out of the car as she righted her clothes. I sat at the back of her car thinking about the darkness she spoke of. I don’t like that whatever it was affecting her was interrupting us in that car. I want to wring Noah’s neck for making me think she was only a virgin. Knowing that isn’t the case, but something awful is? Makes me lethal. I extend my hand to her as she meets me at the trunk. She gives me a knowing smile that tells me Carrie Beckett is a nasty girl behind closed doors. “Come on my little closet freak. I need a few beers and some time spent looking at you so I can come up with all sorts of dirty things to make you blush some more.”
*
Carrie’s friend Candy was on the porch in tears and Carrie took off to hug her. I let them talk and walked in to get me a beer. I couldn’t see the guys anywhere, but knew they were here. I chilled in the kitchen with a few friends from the show before making my way back to my girl.
This used to be my scene. I was the guy that entered the room and the attention poured all over me. Now, I just wanted more time with Carrie. I knew I was in deep; way deeper than she knew.
Once outside I caught on quick that Noah had fucked himself over again. Possibly even ruined any chance he had with Candy. He is using, missing work, being a psycho over Carrie and I, secret meetings with a dad who was plain evil from the sound of it and now this? I got Candy a cab, paid for it and made sure she was safely on her way home before chasing after Carrie who was on her way to skin Noah alive.
“Baby, calm down.” I say as she storms toward the front door. “Going in there while he is drunk and clueless as to why you’re mad won’t do either of you any good. Rip him apart tomorrow when he’s sober.” I understood her anger, but she didn’t need to ream him in a house full of his admirers. It would backfire.
We walked into the house together, both choking on the smoke of both tobacco and weed. She still hadn’t said anything, and I was hoping she wouldn’t start a fight. I wanted to spend time with her not referee between my best friend and my girl.
“There he is!” I heard Shame snarl.
“Chad! What the fuck man! Where were you?” Noah asked and kicked back a substance in a red plastic cup.
I looked at Noah, fucking mad as hell and disgusted. “I was outside loving on my girl while she kicked it with Candy.” I wanted to see if he had any reaction to Candy having been there. When there wasn’t one, I knew damn well his nuts were gonna be skinned.
“Dude, c’mon.” Noah said and motioned for me and the guys to follow. Like I would let him control this meeting? He was dead wrong. “We need a quick second of your time if you can separate yourself from my kid sister.”
“I have been waiting on your ass all night, I need a minute with you guys.” Noah sounded determined and I realized he was going to tell us what I learned from Carrie. Noah turned to her, “Sit there and don’t fuck around, ‘kay Sissy?” He didn’t wait for an
argument or even acquiescence, he walked off without a care. I wink and give Carrie a smile to comfort her. ‘It’ll be okay, babe.’ I mouth to her and disappear with the guys.
We have been friends with Gavin ‘Sevyn’ Roadhouse for years and knew his house like the back of our hand. He was one of us even if he wasn’t in the band. He was also the guy that threw the best after show parties.
We close the door to his room and take various seats while we wait. I don’t know if Noah starts or if I do. Is there a protocol for such a FUBAR situation?
Noah looks at me, “You tell em’?”
I shake my head no and Cal and Shamus jump right in.
“Tell us what?”
“Fuck, what didn’t you tell us?” Shame asks after Cal.
I see the worry; I hear it in their voice. I look to Noah for the answers. “You have the answers here Noah, I don’t. I learned about this shit by default.”
Noah scrubs his hands over his face, and I don’t know what he is thinking when he blurts it out without any finesse. “I skipped work and got high yesterday.”
I see Shame and Cal look at him confused and blurt it out even better. “Heroin not weed. He shot up.”
Well, that did it. Que correct responses. They both flipped the fuck out, both yelling over the other at Noah before turning on me.
“How the fuck did you find out?” Cal yells, turning his pissed off stance to me.
I stand and put my hands in my pockets not wanting to set Cal off any more than he was already. I get they think I betrayed them so all I can do is explain. “I was slammed at work because Noah wasn’t there. When I talked to Carrie after work, we made plans to hook up. Carrie found out before I got there and told me after I arrived. I just wanted to comfort her because she walked in on it.”
Now, both Shame and Cal are looking at Noah for answers. Guess I’m back out of the hot seat. “ I have been getting calls and shit from our dad for a while, with the trust meeting coming up. I don’t deal well when shit comes to our dad so when he showed up making threats, serious threats I broke his nose and made my point.” He looked up from the carpet he had been staring at as he spoke and drilled me with his stare. “My intention being that I will kill him if he tries anything.”
I nod because I get it, even though I don’t. Talk about a rock in a hard place. “So, should we all be worried?” I finally ask hoping he explains.
“I know you guys have a dark past…” Shame says, and I watch as he looks for the right words to ask what we all want to ask. “Maybe we need to know about that past.” Cal says for him. “It’s obvious this guy is making shit bad enough for you that poisoning yourself is the means of coping. For fuck sake Noah, if it’s that bad we have to know because if it affects you it affects us too.”
Cal was the one to find the right words for all of us. That was the issue in a nutshell. “You gotta talk to us Noah.”
He nods and sits down at the chair by Sevyn’s desk. “We were abused. I mean that’s the short of it.”
I knew as much but didn’t at the same time and it makes me sick. I know Carrie and Noah. I know the greatness in both. I know all the little quirks they have, what pisses them off what makes them laugh. We all do and now we know why he craves the drugs. I don’t even know if it’s about the high or if it’s to feel nothing. For Noah, numb is the only option.
Sad as it is, I understand him differently now and it’s not something you want to take into consideration for anyone you care about.
“We all kind of figured that much.” Shamus admits with compassion not judgement.
“It’s hard for Carrie too, though you wouldn’t guess it because she is so much more balanced than me. The things she went through… I tried to protect her, and she would try to protect me but we were kids, what did we know?” He stands now and I have to remind myself that he needs strength here, not pity. But hearing it split us all wide open.
“I invented this game when she was like, I don’t know, four maybe. We called it trust me and the point was to create a world where everything was a lie except our truths. It’s how we coped and dealt with the abuse. We talked about it in a safe world of imagination. Picture a fantasy land that you couldn’t lie inside of.”
He looks at me first then Shame and Cal. “That’s why we talk with codes. It’s how we cut to the truth. No more fantasy lands where we are safe. We are jaded now, and trust is the one thing we didn’t let him take from us.”
“And now were grown up orphans that never knew their names…” Cal says quietly as the gravity of what Noah just told us hits us all.
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
If you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I recall the song from the night of the bonfire and the look on Carries face and it desecrates me.
“I don’t want to go into specifics and probably never will. But I get it.” He looks at us now with a fierceness he has always possessed, but a newfound respect between us all. He told us what he could, and he was right earlier on the phone. No excuses, no bullshit. Noah had reasons for dealing with shit in his own fucked up way. Now, now he was asking us to help.
“I’m cool with details and cool without. Whatever works for you and keeps you away from toxic shit I am game for.” I say and mean every word as we do that man hug thing that’s half a fist bump half a hug.
They guys agree and I stay back a few to take it all in. I hear the party going on outside this bedroom door and know they want to celebrate our success. And I can’t move. I don’t know if I would be able to move past it all like Cal and Shame if Carrie wasn’t just as involved in my world as Noah.
I know the guys feel the same sickness and concern as I do, but we are men and we don’t prattle on with feelings and tears. We deal with shit differently, but hearing about my girls suffering… I know her strength is from Noah. I know he put her first and always has. He raised her, stepped up and did the hard work and she is fucking amazing.
I guess my sadness and disgust with it all is that outside of Carrie’s love for him… who the fuck was there for Noah?
*
I make my way out of the room and say hi to all our loyal ride or die fans and try to get my head in the game. Right now, I need to be the front man, the lead singer and Rockstar to my small hometown. I take a few seconds to chat up some friends and make my way to the kitchen.
I come up short when I see Carrie looking terrified. Noah see’s it too and immediately rushes to her as I fight through the crowd to get to her as well. I was content to let Noah take the lead here because I had no clue what had her freaking out biting her nails looking like she wanted to cry.
I get to the stairs on the back balcony when I hear Noah but can’t see him. I wait at the top to let him handle it. I’ll step in once I know it isn’t anything about the talk us guys had before. I don’t want her upset because of what he told us.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right fucking now, Sissy.” He had a hold of her wrist as he drug her away from the crowd.
“What the hell Noah, damn!” She hissed and yanked her arm from his grasp. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Color me curious, I wanted to know to. Did I miss something?
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you. I walk in the kitchen to get a beer and see you pale as a ghost and gnawing your thumb to the quick.” He spoke soft, like he was talking to a child without being condescending. “I see you like that and I react. What’s got you worked up?”
“It’s nothing, Noah. It’s between me and Chad and the insecurities I have seeing these fangirls and the way they are glaring at me since his little announcement at the show.”
Okay. What the fuck did I mis. I look over my shoulder to the crowd still in the kitchen and d
on’t see one of the usual mean Fangirls and wonder who fucked with her. But Noah and Carrie were getting louder and talking faster and I would find the bitchy fangirl later. I start making my way down the stairs, but a crowd has formed by the time I get to the bottom and they are yelling at one another.
“…I’m watching you struggle with this new world you’ve thrown yourself in, but you forget that this has been Chad’s world long before you came along. These are pussy parties, they’re all you can eat, and anything goes baby girl, I told you.”
Hol-eee fuck what did I miss?
“You’re gross, Noah.”
He laughed and opened his arms enjoying the crowd. I had a knot in my gut. I’m certain a fangirl got into her head, one I probably fucked before.
This might be the first time I wanted to curse my dick for causing me trouble. At the same time, what Noah was saying was true. She did need to see this world for what it was.
“No Carrie, I’m a guy, and this is heaven to me. You begged for this and swore you could take it. But I’m sitting here talking to my normally self-assured sister who is letting a bunch of fangirls get into her head.”
Fuck…knew it.
“You fought so hard to find your confidence and hold your head up high! It’s disappointing and makes me feel like a complete shit as a brother because I let you walk right on into this world.”
“Yeah I know, Candy seems to be struggling a bit too, in case you were wondering.” I cup my hands behind my neck wishing like hell she hadn’t said anything about Candy. I am learning really quick that Carrie does what she wants when she wants.
Noah looks pissed now that she brought Candy into it. “So! She knows what I’m down for, and she knows what these parties are about. And she can handle what she sees here.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Noah? I saw Candy tonight after she saw you with your face buried in God only knows whose crotch. Chad and I sent her home an hour ago in a cab after she completely broke down.” She stepped into his space and now I was pushing my way through. Shit went from 0 to 100 real fast with these two. If something needed to come to a head, it wouldn’t be in public.