PS... Trust Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance Book 8)

by Emjay Soren

  “Give me the bottle boy.” He says to me, his heavy hand on my shoulder a comfort I could never explain. I lift the bottle, pour more in the glass and he lets me, taking it only after I filled it up.

  “Tell me what happened.” He pours himself a drink, mixing his with lime and soda water.

  I pick at the wood on the table and wonder how to begin. I hate knowing he will be disappointed in me. He deserves the truth though and I know that. I tell him everything, From the night with Trisha on the bus, to keeping it quiet until after the tour. I told him what he already knew about Carrie and Noah courtesy of the news. I told him about today.

  “It’s all destroyed Gramps. There’s nothing to salvage, I’ve tried.”

  He takes a long swig of his cocktail and sits back. “Well, who says what can be salvaged? Maybe the trust is destroyed so it feels like it will never be salvaged, but I have seen it enough in my life to know there is always hope.”

  I nod as I drink more. “I want to be numb.”

  “Thing with numb, is it’s false. Hiding behind a bottle to not feel, when all you have right now is hurt means it will be there tomorrow. Drinking to get away from something that is with you and will be until you face it.”

  I feel my tears burn and roll from my lids at his words. I don’t feel weak here with him now. He is the only person I ever truly could rely on in my life. He has loved me since my first breath. He held me after nightmares as a young child, taught me to curse as a shithead kid. Taught me about sex and love and the massive difference between the two.

  “I guess it’s time to teach me how to let go Gramps.” I cry and he pulls me to his side, hugs me the way dad’s do their son’s.

  “When I lost your gran I never really let go so much as accept it. I haven’t found anything as significant as her since and may never, but I accepted it because I had to in order to go on. You have carved that path Chad. You can make every one of your dreams come true and there is so much power in that. Use it, use the pain and the anger to catapult you to the next adventure. Let it heal you until you don’t need to use it anymore. Then, tuck it into your heart and learn from it.”

  “She ain’t coming back gramps. I'm poison to her now.”

  He shakes his head and looks at me with sad eyes. “ You fucked up, but the intent to hurt was never there. I am here with you now seeing all it’s done to you and you ain’t poison kid. Your young, dumb, and full of cum. Everyone made you invincible while Carrie made you vulnerable. You learned the hard way, but the point is you learned it and won’t do it again.”

  “Do you think I cheated, Gramps?” I don’t think I cheated, but I definitely put myself in the situation.

  “Not by normal standards and definitions, no. But you did so yeah. You didn’t look for it and I know you never would have gone looking. I know what she means to you. But Carrie hit the nail on the head son, you had no boundaries and set yourself up.”

  I dry my eyes and nod knowing he is right. “I wanted so bad for you to tell me I wasn’t wrong.”

  “What good am I if I lie to you Chad? You hurt the one woman you changed your life for. You let your ego guide you for so long that you forgot people could be hurt. You want to blame Trisha, and she has fault here, but you gave her the opportunity because you are the untouchable Chad Blake. If you look deep enough, there are a lot of injuries in your wake. You just care about Carries.”

  “I feel an inch tall, old man. I get it okay?” I ask, my speech slurred, and I know the effects are hitting me, but the guilt of his words, his truthful words I feel them all.

  “I ain’t trying to make ya feel bad. I just want you to see this for what it is. You have all this pain and regret now, but it’s another fork in the road Chad. It’s part of your path and you create the next part. You don’t set loose boundaries again, you don’t lead girls on, you watch your back at all times because the world is full of Trisha’s and they will all be coming for you soon enough.”

  “I don’t want Trisha’s… I want cherries and vanilla Gramps.” I smile through wet eyes as I say it.

  “Well, I don’t know what that means boy other than you need sleep.” He stood and tried to help me ping pong my drunk ass to my room, where I was out before my head hit the pillow.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chad

  I text Trisha last night to meet me at The Joint to discus the songs we had done together.

  Carrie was back at school and I had been doing better accepting she was gone. All I could do from here out was unpack the baggage that was leftover between us, between every girl in Gig and me over the years. I wasn’t somebody Carrie could get away from just as she was someone I would always be connected to.

  So, I wanted to meet up with Trish and let her know that all the songs we had done were not going to be a part of TAT any longer.

  “She dumps you?” She asked me as she sipped from a Styrofoam cup.

  I nod and look at her. “We broke up, yes but this has nothing to do with it.”

  She eyes me like I have something up my sleeve. “Why then? The songs are awesome, and everyone loves them.”

  I take a deep breath and own my shit as best I can. “Because they represent someone I don’t want to be anymore. I wasn’t fair to you Trish.” I sit back from the food I haven’t touched and try to show how sincere I am. “I lead you on and I don’t know if it was the drama or the sex, for whatever reason I made you think and feel that you mattered to me. You didn’t.”

  She looks at me like she might kill me, and I realize how it sounded. “I'm sorry for that. I don’t mean it rude or to hurt you. I am saying this because it was never fair to you to be strung along. A lot of people got hurt in the process and I should have been honest. You didn’t deserve the run around I gave you. You deserved the truth and for that I am sorry.”

  I can see she is thinking on what I said, feeling around to see if I mean it. I do and I will wait if she needs to say her peace. I will listen and suck it up.

  “Thank you.” She says her voice is soft and I know that she never expected that from me. “I'm sorry too. I cared for you and the only time you showed me any attention was if I acted out. When I saw you with her…”?

  I nod. “I get it. I hurt you Trish and I’m sorry.”

  “I hurt you too and now here you go being all mature and nice. I feel like shit for what happened in Spokane. I saw the news and all of that on top of what I had done. I hope one day I can apologize to her too.”

  I chuckle at that. “Yeah well, don’t hold your breath.”

  “What brought this all on?” She asked as we were leaving, and I held the door for her.

  “I guess I just need a fresh start. We leave this week for the tour. We did the album and I replaced the songs. I guess I wanted you to have them as an olive branch. Remember what they are about and find a guy who is opposite Trish.”

  It was hard to face someone you used and hurt, but I felt better after. My treatment of Trisha is why she hurt Carrie purposely. She wanted me to suffer. Point made for sure, but I hate that my bullshit was thrown at the one I love. All I can do now is move on. Will I fuck again? Absolutely. Will I handle it different? Absolutely. Will I get over Carrie and move on?

  Not a shot in hell.

  Noah and I flew to California together and shared the cab to the rental we had for the tour and off days or interviews. Shame was pissed he didn’t get to move into a place with him and Cassa, but we needed to do as the label said and this was a rental from them. We were under their thumb proving ourselves as a band.

  But we walk into the rental to see Cal pacing as Shame lays curled up on the floor in the corner. “What did we miss?” I ask and drop my bags. It’s a two-bedroom house, not a genuinely nice one but there’s still room. I gave up my room and offered to take the couch since one of us was happy so him crying like a bitch in the corner made no sense.

  “It ain’t that bad right? What you have to share a twin bed?” Noah teases and I chuckle. Cal looks
at us like we are the devil.

  “Cassa isn’t here.” Cal explains, poorly and with no sense.

  “What do you mean?” I ask and walk toward Shame and realize he is asleep on this makeshift pallet of blankets.

  I look to Cal for answers. “Well?”

  “He said they broke up. He left her.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chad

  Somewhere in Iowa Two months later…

  “Did you ever call her or ask what the fuck she was thinking?” I ask Shame who is broken and wasted at the table in our hotel room. We are at the halfway point to the tour and headed to Vegas in three days for Cassa’s wedding.

  “No. The way I left…What was the point?” I understood the heartache, but the rest confused the fuck out of me. He looked up at me, eyes red from tears. “You guys really didn’t know she was serious with someone?”

  “I knew she met this Corey guy. Carrie and Candy said he was clingy but sweet. I didn’t know they were serious until I got Carrie’s text this morning.” Noah explains. The text Cal and I got wasn’t as specific considering it came from Cassa herself. Noah had the inside track with Carrie.

  “She’s pregnant dude. Cassa is no way in love with this guy.” Cal tries to reassure him, but it makes it worse, I think.

  I take a seat at the couch and try to reach Carrie. We have had a few texts, all civil and kind since we left. We knew we were forever together through the band and wanted peace. My heart still raced when I saw her face light up my screen, but I kept it cool each time.

  Me: Are you sure she wants this? Shame is a fucking mess. We feel like we betray him if we come.

  I wait for her response and listen to Shame melt down. “I was always coming back for her. I need to prove the old man wrong and I think we have. Fuck!” He yells and kicks the chair beside him.

  My phone vibrates and I look down knowing it’s Carrie.

  Carrie: She is hell bent. We think it’s weird but it’s her life. If this is what she wants I will support, her. I understand you guys feel some type of way, but it’s Cassa and you should be there.

  “I know it seems like a dick move for us to go, Shame.” I try, but he cuts me off.

  “No, you gotta go. You gotta tell me what her eyes say. You guys know her and…fuck if she is happy, I will let it go.”

  I wanted to ask him how. How could he let it go? “Seriously?”

  He nods and gulps down another beer. “What would you do? You are still fucked up over Carrie. If you found out she was happy without you and getting …fuck, getting marries-“

  I laugh interrupting him. “That shit makes me think postal, but I would stop that fucking wedding. No doubt in my mind.”

  “I would too.” Noah says but his is from a place of protector and controller. Mine is from her being mine, always and forever.

  “I would accept it one day, but not this soon.” I finally say knowing one day I will be in his shoes.

  “I don’t think I belong at this wedding, or any wedding. Cassa is marrying a dude nobody knows because of a one-night stand gone wrong. Why in the fuck aren’t Candy and Carrie on her ass about this? God knows I would be on your asses.” Cal looks miserable and I know the guilt he feels for saying it out loud, but it’s the truth.

  I open my phone to my conversation with Carrie. “I just asked Carrie how sure she was Cassa wanted this. Her response is ‘She is hell bent. We think it’s weird but it’s her life. If this is what she wants I will support, her. I understand you guys feel some type of way, but it’s Cassa and you should be there.’ I agree and disagree.”

  Shame buries his head in his hands, and I know he is crying, I get it. Been there enough times to know the sorrow that comes with a final ending. I clasp him on the shoulder as Cal does the same to the other. Noah kneels in front of him and we just let him get it out.

  I guess we are going to Vegas.

  The wedding was beautiful. We gathered in a small chapel, one of the many in Las Vegas. Corey seemed okay, a little on the nerd side maybe. I couldn’t pinpoint what bugged me about him, other than the fact he was the polar opposite of Shamus fucking James.

  “Well?” Noah says from beside me, Cal behind him as he hands me a beer.

  “She’s a gorgeous bride.” Is all I say doing my best to not let my eyes wander on Carrie who is sitting next to Cass. They agreed as we talked quietly in the corner of the small reception held at the Stratosphere restaurant.

  “He’s a fucking nerd.” Cal says and drinks from his Corona.

  We laugh quietly because it’s true. “All the dudes she dated before Shame were cooler than this dude. He fucking paws at her too, look at him.” Cal directs our attention and we watch as he doesn’t move his hand from her at any point.

  “Maybe it’s love.” I say with a shrug, even though I doubt it.

  “He’s a Band-Aid.” Noah says and we all agree.

  “She will see it in time, and if not…” I shrug. “Maybe we are wrong.”

  “You aren’t.” Candy says from behind me before smacking my ass. I hug her, not having a lot of time to really say hello in all chaos of a wedding.

  “Not a fan?” Noah asks before kissing her on the lips. I'm glad they found their way back to one another after Carrie and me broke-up.

  “I'm a fan of you.” He says leaning in to kiss her and we all know they won’t give shits and fuck right here, audience or no.

  “Ugh, stop already.” Carrie says and my heart stops at the sound. She looks at me, a shy smile and an awkward hug that feels like a stab in the chest.

  “How are you?” I ask.

  She nods, looking anywhere but at me. “Good. Happy for Cassa.”

  “Oh bullshit, Carrie.” Candy says and laughs out loud. “We can’t stand him; he is nothing like us. He’s a Doctor and a fucking snob with zero personality.”

  I look at her glossy eyes and red cheeks. “You drunk?” I ask and Candy laughs shaking her head no.

  “Tell us how you really feel.” Carrie says, but motions so we all know she has been drinking.

  “Well, she only married him because she won’t go after Shamus.”

  We all look at her confused. “Has she wanted to?” Cal asks, his mind working a mile a minute.

  Candy shakes her head no. “No, well maybe but he drove a stake through that balloon when he left her alone with a shitty note as comfort. I hope Shame regrets it every day he is alive.”

  I think to our drive to Vegas from Gig this weekend, how Shame stopped traffic for flipping out knowing we were going to the wedding in a show of support. The support was for him, he wanted us there proving he made the right choice when we all know he didn’t.

  It’s sad how we all pretend together in some silent agreement that we are loyal. “Sad how we pretend isn’t it?” I ask Candy but my eyes are on Carrie. “Cassa marries some random one nighter and we all come and smile like fucking lemmings at the wedding, knowing, we will go to the hotel tonight to scrape a drunk and broken Shame off the floor again.”

  I know they agree, I know I am right. “Just like we all pretend we are friends, right Carrie?”

  “Chad, not here.” She says and I laugh at her concern.

  “Well, where then? Because this is our future babe. You marry someone beneath you and ill end up with someone random beneath me each night. Welcome to our future.” I don’t wait for responses. “I'm going to check on Shame.”

  Carrie tugs on my arm to stop me from leaving, both Noah and Cal leaving with me. How’s that for drawing a line in the sand? “This isn’t about anything but support.”

  I pull my arm from her grip, missing her heat but I had to prove a point. I lean in close so only she hears me. “I know my future and this shitshow isn’t it. Ill be on a floor with bottles around me passed the fuck out and alone forever before I ever vow to love another to curb the loneliness. I am not about charades Carrie, I’m as real as they get, and this is wrong.”

  I turn and walk away because my point
was made, and I didn’t even know I was going to prove one tonight. We wait to say our goodbye’s to Cassa, and I watch her husband close. I see he only smiles when she is watching, but scowls at the crowd and it sends chills down my back.

  “Corey, this is Cal Dorian, Chad Blake and Noah Beckett. They are friends from my childhood. Noah is Carrie’s brother-“

  He cut her off with laughter. “I know who they are darling. Glad the drummer didn’t make it if I'm honest.” He says and I want to tell her to come with us to the hotel room, to leave this dude behind because he isn’t…right?

  “You should be glad the drummer didn’t make it.” Cal says and I almost laughed.

  I slap Cal on the back and lean into kiss Cass on the cheek before looking at Corey. “He means no disrespect, just a friendly warning we come as a pack if you hurt her.”

  “Of course.” He says pulling Cassa closer when I lean into her ear.

  “Shame is at the hotel. You wanna bail we will take you there and annul this shit.”

  She laughs uncomfortably even though I know he didn’t hear me. “Thank you, Chad.” She smiles and doesn’t respond, and I get it. It was a dick move, but I had to remind her who we were and what we know. This was not the guy for her, but ultimately it was her call and she made it.

  On our way to our Hotel we walked the strip in silence. We had a few glances from people who maybe recognized us. A few who did and went horns up at us in selfies, but overall, we were nobodies. The next time I saw Carrie, that wouldn’t be the case.

  Two months later

  Seattle/Gig Harbor

  Chad

  “I've buried this as far as I could, but nothing is guaranteed.” Tayla explains as we all sit in the smoking area at Lakeview hospital. “We can transfer her to Cedar-Sinai and have better results.”

  “She won’t go there; you know she won’t.” Noah says as he watches the door to Cassa’s room.