The Love Study

by Kris Ripper

  “I hope that doesn’t seem condescending or anything?” They were full-on frowning now.

  “Oh, no, not at all.” I wanted to add more, but Mason cleared his throat loudly and said, “Silence in the peanut gallery, please.” He glanced around at everyone, all apparently frozen in place. “And, action!”

  “I’ll never forget where I was when Dec introduced himself to the camera for the first time,” Ronnie intoned, half bent over the bowl of chips. “It was a magical moment.”

  I hid my smile behind the bottle.

  Mason raised his hand with the remote and let it hang there. “I’ll never forget where I was when Dec blushed bright pink on YouTube for the first time.”

  Everyone giggled while I did my best not to blush bright pink in Mason’s living room. (Not for the first time.) Sidney’s arm shifted until it was barely touching mine, and if my friends being embarrassing meant Sidney comforting me, it was a small price to pay.

  “My favorite part was when Declan told the whole world he hated the beach and the commenters collectively lost their shit.” Mia sighed in reminiscence. “It was a beautiful thing to watch.”

  Oscar, ever the rule breaker, craned around to look at us. “So, you two. What’s going on there?”

  Shouts of “Ooooooooh!” and “Oscar, dammit!” filled the room. I took this as a cue that we were allowed to sit down. I climbed over the back of the couch and slid in between Oscar and Ronnie, silently bemoaning the lack of places for Sidney and I to sit together, though when they sat cross-legged on the floor I wished I’d thought of that.

  Ronnie patted my leg. “We’re just teasing, you looked good. I wasn’t sure what to expect but you honestly looked like yourself having a conversation. It was neat, you know? Seeing a Motherfucker on YouTube.”

  “Let’s hear it for Mr. Big Shot!” Mason called, lifting his beer.

  “To Mr. Big Shot!” the others cried. Sidney missed the shout, but lifted their Coke in a salute.

  I slunk lower in my seat. “Oh, shut your faces.”

  Oscar poked me. “I can’t believe you stepped out into the dating world for five seconds after six years and immediately found someone you liked. You dog.”

  “I haven’t even been on a date yet!”

  He rolled his eyes and did an incredibly unsubtle chin-raise in Sidney’s direction. “Hello.”

  I elbowed him and Mia smacked the back of his head. “Quiet, Oscar.”

  “It’s true, though.” Mason held out his hand to Oscar for a fist bump. “I’ve been out here the whole time and I can’t even get a third date.”

  They shared mutual sighs. Desperately attempting to redirect away from my maybe not that imaginary having-found-someone-I-liked-ness, I reached for my phone to pull up the information about my actual first date. “Excuse me, this is the human I’m going out with this week.” I brandished my phone open to the email Sidney had sent as if it was a shield that could protect me (us) from my friends.

  Then I realized I might be breaking a Love Study rule and did a wide-eyes silent question in their direction, but they smiled, so I figured it was okay. It was a moot point anyway, since the Motherfuckers were already gathered around my phone like it was a campfire in December.

  “Oh, she’s cute!” Mia.

  “She lists multiple Call of Duty games as her favorites, dealbreaker.” Oscar.

  “She loves Sword Art Online, win.” Ronnie.

  Mase grabbed the phone and read through the whole thing. “Okay, okay, I’m seeing it. Sidney, you think Dec will get along with this woman because she’s passionate and has a good sense of humor?” He looked up. “For someone who just met Declan, you sure seem to get him. He’s totally into passion and laughter.”

  They nodded, not seeming too weirded out by the fact I’d shared their email with four people without explicit permission. “I’m glad that made sense to you. I wasn’t exactly sure how to phrase it.”

  “Who’s not into passion and laughter?” I asked.

  Oscar raised his hand.

  “You don’t count.”

  “Why? Because you don’t want to date me?” He pulled an Extreme Sad Face.

  I punched him in the arm. “You don’t count because you try not to be into passion and laughter.”

  “What? I am insulted, sir! Weehawken—”

  “At dawn!” the rest of us—minus Sidney—cried out.

  “Ugh, we’re the worst,” Mason muttered, falling back into the couch on the other side of Oscar. “How am I ever going to settle down with someone when no one can be expected to put up with the Motherfuckers?”

  Mia and Ronnie looked at each other.

  He waved a hand in dismissal. “Already tried it.”

  I reached around Oscar to pat Mase’s hand. “Sorry again about that.”

  “It’s fine. I just don’t see how anyone who’s not us could ever put up with this.”

  Mia gestured at Sidney. “You’ve hung out with us a few times. We’re nice, aren’t we?”

  “Sure...”

  Dead air. We all looked around at each other.

  Sidney laughed. I really liked their sense of humor. And that they were willing to troll the Motherfuckers a little even though they were only just getting to know us. They said, still smiling, “I mean, yes, of course I think you’re nice. Or I wouldn’t be here. It is hard for a lot of people to relax when getting to know the friends of the person they’re dating, though. Maybe the key is not to wait so long that it becomes A Thing?”

  “Drinks Curse,” I said, nodding. “Truth.”

  Their eyebrows arched delightfully. “What is the Drinks Curse?”

  Mase leaned forward. “Right, here’s what happens, and I guess it’s basically all me now that these two are getting married and Oscar refuses to let us meet any of his beaus.”

  “I do not have beaus.”

  “Anyway, I’ll be dating someone I like, and I’ll think, Now’s the time. Now’s when I introduce them to the Motherfuckers. So I’ll invite them to drinks. And within a week, no shit, every time, we’ll break up. Drinks Curse.” He sat back. “Invite your person to drinks, and you will break up. Every. Damn. Time.”

  Oscar raised his hand. “It happened to me once and that’s the last time I tried. It’s not my fault you keep expecting a different result.”

  “Well, what else am I gonna do? Never introduce anyone to you guys? Actually...”

  “Fat chance,” I told him.

  “Do what I plan to do. Take a break from dating and live vicariously through Dec dating on YouTube,” Oscar suggested.

  Ronnie leaned around me to look at him. “Sorry, had you been dating and I missed it?”

  “Bite me.”

  “Honey, you wish.”

  “Children!” Mia said.

  “Also,” Mason mused, looking at my phone again, “well done setting Dec up with a Black gamer girl, Sidney.”

  Mia rolled her eyes. “She’s probably a woman. Unless Sidney has Dec’s interests drastically wrong.”

  “Sorry, I meant woman.” He looked up at me. “You know, ’cause you’re so into Black folks.”

  Despite knowing I was playing directly into his tease, I defended myself. Incoherently. “Oh my god, I am not. I mean obviously I’m into—I meant I’m not into—I don’t fetishize—”

  “Mason, stop triggering Declan’s white insecurity.” Mia lowered her voice. “White people are so sensitive.”

  Everyone laughed but me. Because: still busy sputtering nonsensical half statements. In front of Sidney. Who was smiling benignly.

  Mase, assuming the air of someone taking pity on me (so I was immediately suspicious), said, “Hey, there’s some good porn on this—”

  I snatched back my phone. “You monster. Don’t you dare mock my phone porn. Phone porn is sacred.”

&n
bsp; Oscar held up his beer. “To the sacred nature of phone porn!”

  “Amen!”

  “Okay, but seriously, how is this going to go down?” Ronnie twisted to better look at me, then down at Sidney. “You send Dec an email with some random’s face and info and Dec calls up the random and makes a date?”

  “Excuse me,” I interrupted. “First: she’s not random. She volunteered. In fact—” I lifted my chin imperiously “—Sidney says a lot of people are interested in dating me.”

  “A lot of people are interested in being featured on YouTube,” Oscar corrected.

  “Hey!”

  Ronnie patted my knee. “I’m sure plenty of people are interested in dating you, darling.”

  “It was actually hard to choose from all the people interested in going out with Declan,” Sidney said, riding to my rescue. “There were quite a few.”

  “See! I’m in high demand.”

  My friends variously giggled and coughed into their hands.

  “And second,” I continued, ignoring them, “I have already set up a date with #1. We’re going out for dinner Friday to some place in Berkeley that’s supposed to be not too expensive.”

  “Ah, yes, always a good sign.” Mason nodded sagely. “Prioritizing ‘not too expensive’ over, say, learning the name of the restaurant.”

  “Where in Berkeley?”

  “And whose idea was the place, yours or hers?”

  “Did she seem nice?”

  I buried my face in Ronnie’s arm. “She seemed nice, I don’t know where, her idea because she lives in Berkeley. Do you guys really think people only want to go out with me because I’m going to talk about them on the show?” I appealed to Sidney. “That’s not true, right?”

  “Not all of them.” Oscar considered it. “But probably most.”

  Sidney shrugged. “There’s some danger of that, but overall I’m not concerned. I would feel comfortable saying that most of the people who expressed interest were genuinely into you—or at least the idea of going on a date with you.”

  “Plus,” Mia said, poking Oscar, “Sidney’s had this show for three years. They’re probably really good at separating the opportunists from the people who are sincerely interested.”

  “I’d like to think so, anyway.”

  That sounded reasonable. Right? I looked at them to make sure they were for real, but they were always for real. “Okay. Thanks.”

  “And the idea—at least my idea—isn’t for you to fall madly in love with the first person you go out with. That would be detrimental to the point of the show.”

  “It would?” I asked meekly. “Are you sure? Because it sounds kind of okay to me.”

  My friends laughed.

  “I just mean that what I really want to dig into is what dating, specifically queer dating, realistically looks like. To counteract some of the less helpful messages I think people receive from this culture.”

  Ronnie raised her fancy soda water. “That’s awesome. I mean, I got super lucky since Mia and I were already friends, but if we hadn’t gotten together, I would have had, like, no clue how to date humans.”

  “This is over-complicating a simple thing,” Oscar muttered. “Go to bar, get partially drunk, bring home random, fuck, send them away, and scene.”

  Mase sighed heavily. “That is not dating. But man, I wish that’s what I wanted because it sounds relaxing.”

  “How can bringing home randoms all the time possibly sound relaxing?” Mia did an exaggerated shudder. “Ugh, my nightmare. I’m with Ronnie—if it wasn’t for us working out, I’d seriously hate everything about relationships.”

  I traded looks with Mase and Oscar. “For the record, we’re also really happy you guys worked out. We kinda hated everything about your relationships before Ronnie too.”

  She gasped. “Oh, you’ll see how it is having your dates evaluated by the Motherfuckers, Dec. Just wait.”

  “The Motherfuckers and literally everyone else.” Mase rubbed his hands together. “This is gonna be amazing.”

  Shit, shit, shit. I glanced at Sidney, who raised their eyebrows at me. “I, um...”

  “Don’t get iffy now, sunshine,” Mase said. “You are strapped in to this roller coaster. Dating is the big climb where the thing goes tick-tick-tick-tick-tick. If you’re super fucking lucky, maybe someday you’ll make it to the top and go over the edge.”

  “Um. Maybe I’m missing something but I’m not super hot on that metaphor.”

  He did a hand motion of a roller coaster dropping off the edge and crashing into the couch. “That’s your future. Welcome to the ride.”

  Mia kicked him, Ronnie hit him, and Oscar nodded in total agreement. Sidney merely looked back at me and smiled.

  Even crashing head first into the couch might not be so bad if Sidney was waiting to hear all about it.

  * * *

  I stayed later than everyone else, helping clean up, enjoying the bone-deep familiarity of Mason’s company. I told him about Deb’s project and request for a verbal contract.

  “Sidney says I’m afraid of commitment.”

  “Preaching to the choir. I know exactly how afraid of commitment you are, babe.”

  Like I said: have blushed in Mason’s living room before. Will do again. “I still can’t believe I called you that. I was so nervous. It felt like I was chaperoning a blind date between you and them.”

  His brow furrowed all disbelievingly. “Wait, what?”

  “That was Mia’s plan. Fix you up with the first new queer we’ve met in months.”

  “Wow. I can’t decide if I’m more touched or offended.”

  I shrugged. “She has good intentions. It’s like she has some kind of compulsion to marry everybody off.”

  He tilted his head to the side and tapped his chin as if deep in thought. “Um, nope. Just me. She never tries to set you and Oscar up with people.”

  “Yeah, but until five minutes ago I didn’t date, and Oscar’s...”

  “Oscar,” he finished. “Well, maybe I don’t want to be set up with people.”

  I waited.

  “Okay, I kind of do. Fuck, I don’t know. Everything seems hopeless. Maybe if this thing with Sidney works out they can set me up too.”

  “Oh my god, there is no thing with Sidney. Jesus! We did one twenty-minute video and now everyone’s convinced we’re soulmates! What is that, contagious?”

  He eyed me with way too much speculation. “Pardon me,” he said delicately. “I meant this thing where they’re setting you up with dates. I meant if they set you up with someone you hit it off with, maybe they can do the same for me.” Then he just looked at me, mouth an unimpressed line.

  Oops. I hunched deeper into my chair. “Umsorry.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I may have jumped the gun there.”

  “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. I saw the way you looked at them tonight.” He gestured between me and an imaginary floor-sitting Sidney. “You like them.”

  “No!” I protested. “I mean, yes, I already said I like them. Obviously. I’m not, y’know, pining for them.”

  “You’re crushing on them.”

  “I’m really not.”

  His unimpressed lip line got even thinner.

  “Maybe just the slightest tiniest little bit. But that’s it! It’s the fun kind of very minuscule crush, not the actionable kind.”

  “Oh, tell me another one, baby boy. Why wouldn’t it be actionable? You like them, they like you.”

  “Listen, you’re making too big a deal of this. I’m a guest on their show. It’s a professional relationship, not a personal one.” Though I couldn’t help but think about how they’d said not dating was a guideline, not a rule.

  Mason rolled his eyes. “Riiiiight.”

  I was too lazy to find
something to throw at him. “I’d throw something at you but nothing’s within easy reach.”

  “So sad.” He glanced at his phone and made a face. “It’s late and I’m getting old. You crashing here or going home?”

  It was tempting. Mase made really good morning coffee. “I’m feeling the need to act responsible. And also to wear clean clothes tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, big change for you, first day of a new work commitment.”

  I gasped. “How dare you ruin this for me! Calling it a commitment! You need a spanking, mister!”

  He stood up for the sole purpose of wiggling his ass in my direction. “Come and get it, Mr. Big Shot.”

  “Tut tut. Don’t try to lure me into your clutches.” I dragged myself out of the chair and picked up my sweatshirt. “Thanks for hosting drinks, it was a nightmare of affectionate humiliation.”

  He kissed my cheek. “Anytime. Text me when you get home.”

  “A dick pic, right?”

  “Maybe just a link to some of that stellar phone porn.”

  I punched him on my way out the door.

  Chapter Six

  Date #1’s actual name was Destiny, and we met up at the restaurant she’d suggested. She was shortish with a shaved head and she was rocking a pair of rainbow boots I immediately wanted. (A friend had made them for her, but she offered to send me a link to the tutorial they’d used.)

  As far as first impressions went, we liked each other and weren’t wildly uncomfortable, which meant...so far so good?

  I had the gourmet nachos plate, which included roasted red peppers and a cheese I couldn’t identify but found ecstasy-inducing. I had to control my mad enjoyment for fear of scaring Destiny, who was handling her food a lot more casually.

  First dates are probably universally awkward. I hadn’t gone on a lot of them. It wasn’t the same in college where people hooked up and maybe that developed into A Relationship, or directly after college in the brief time I’d gone out before Mason and I got all serious.