The Nurse's Secret

by Sue MacKay

  ‘She will.’

  ‘How can you be so positive?’ She was overreacting, but that was the mother in her.

  ‘The scan’s normal. Besides, it’s what I want. Not a very medical answer, I know, but it’s how I feel.’

  Stacey stared at him. Had he guessed the truth? Nothing showed in his expression to suggest so. Did she know what she was looking for? He’d hide it, wouldn’t he? He could be waiting for her to fess up.

  ‘For both you and Holly,’ he added.

  ‘Oh, Noah.’ If only he knew. Well, he would, if she found the courage to tell him.

  A murmur came from the bed.

  Stacey spun around and leapt up to lean over the sidebar. ‘Holly? It’s Mummy, sweetheart.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  Reaching out, Stacey touched her cheek with the backs of her fingers. ‘Holly. I’m here.’

  ‘Mummy.’ Her eyes fluttered open, then closed again.

  Relief poured into Stacey and the tears flowed freely. So much for not letting Holly see. ‘Holly, you’re in bed and Mummy’s with you.’ Now she was talking gibberish.

  Holly was looking at her, confusion filling her beautiful grey eyes. Her father’s eyes.

  Handing her cup to Noah, Stacey dropped the bar and sat on the bed, reaching for her girl, carefully slipping under her and holding her against her breast. ‘There, sweetheart. Mummy’s got you.’

  ‘She looks like you,’ Noah said quietly.

  ‘So people tell me.’

  Don’t look at her eyes.

  ‘You don’t agree?’

  ‘Yes, I can see quite a few Wainwright genes in there.’ She’d spent most of Holly’s life looking for signs of Noah, and so far only her eyes came close. ‘She’s a happy wee soul, always giggling and having fun.’

  ‘Like her mum.’

  Deep breath. ‘Noah. I need to tell you something.’ She couldn’t put it off for another moment. This was eating her up. Now or never. Never wasn’t an option. She didn’t want to do that to Holly or Noah. They were bonded through Holly, and watch out anyone or anything that threatened to come between them.

  Heavy grey eyes locked onto her, not moving, not looking at the girl who was his daughter. ‘This sounds serious.’

  ‘It is.’

  Please, still like me when I’ve finished.

  ‘Holly’s a little over two years old.’

  ‘I heard you tell the woman her date of birth when we arrived here.’ The words were spoken in a monotone, as though he was holding back an emotion she wouldn’t like. Or he was afraid of? His mouth flattened. His shoulders were tightening, and his eyes boring into her. Getting the idea?

  ‘That’s right. Nine months give a day or three after the dance.’ Her chest rose, then she spilled the facts before she could overthink this. ‘Holly was conceived the night we were together.’

  He didn’t blink. Didn’t move at all. His mouth was still flat, as though he’d been expecting news he didn’t want to hear. The grey stare darkened, not giving away anything her words might’ve wrought on him, but coffee spilled onto the floor between his feet from the squashed cardboard mug in his hand.

  She was his focus, a long, breath-defying stare. Her stomach curled into a tight little ball, her heart slowed while her lungs struggled to do their job. ‘It’s true, Noah. Holly is your daughter.’

  At last his gaze moved slowly down to the precious bundle tucked against her, focusing on his daughter. Stacey held Holly tighter, closer. She preferred it when he looked at her with all those blistering questions and not at Holly. Holly was innocent. So was she. She hadn’t planned on getting pregnant. It had just happened.

  This beautiful child was her daughter. Noah’s daughter, too, but hers no matter what. He had a choice—accept or deny. She’d never had a choice, and had never wanted one. From the moment she’d learned she was pregnant there hadn’t been a single doubt she’d love her baby and was to raise him or her no matter what the world threw at them. Noah would accept eventually. He would. But then what? Would he want to know his daughter, love her, support her? Or deposit money into a bank account every month and leave it at that?

  No, she could not believe Noah would do that. He was honourable. But this was about more than that. It was about responsibility, about caring and sharing, about wanting to be a father, about love. Her heart banged. Love. Was Noah ready for that? She’d often wondered if he would ever love her. Now she needed to know, more than anything, would he love Holly?

  ‘I used protection,’ he intoned in that same voice.

  ‘I know.’ Condoms every time. But Holly was real.

  ‘You’re saying they didn’t all work?’ A scathing tone.

  ‘It’s the only answer I’ve been able to come up with throughout the years since.’ Okay, so she could do scathing, too.

  Silence took over, only interrupted by voices as people passed the open door. Stacey glanced down at Holly, and felt her heart drop. Was she asleep now? Or had she fallen unconscious again? Her fingers found a pulse in Holly’s neck. Using her phone, she timed it and sighed with relief. All good. Brushing a kiss on her daughter’s forehead, she glanced up at Noah.

  He was watching them both intently.

  ‘Noah?’

  He said nothing, letting the silence expand. This time a little chilly.

  She opted for quiet, letting Noah absorb what she’d told him. No doubt he’d be doing the sums to make sure she hadn’t lied. Her back stiffened. Lying wasn’t one of her habits. But, then, how often had he been told he was the father of a two-year-old girl?

  ‘Is it true you weren’t in a relationship when we got together at the dance? That you hadn’t had an argument with your partner?’

  ‘I was single and had been for a year. There was no one else. Holly is yours, Noah. You are her father.’ Her mouth dried. She’d known there’d be questions, lots of them. But how to cope with them without sounding needy and pathetic?

  He locked his steady gaze on her, watched her for a long, long moment.

  Her breath stuck in her chest as she waited.

  His knuckles were white against his hips, his body rigid, chin thrust forward. Then he slumped. ‘I believe you.’

  The air exhaled from Stacey’s lungs in a rush. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.

  ‘Who’d have thought? I used protection.’ He shook his head. ‘Each time.’

  ‘I remember.’ Tears poured down her cheeks and she did nothing to stop them. ‘I tried to find you, but I had little to go on. Noah—that was it. I didn’t even know you were a doctor.’ She hadn’t told anyone why she wanted to find the man she’d danced with. Certainly hadn’t mentioned spending the rest of the night in his hotel room having sex. And how she’d been reluctant to leave next morning but knowing she had to. They hadn’t had a future.

  Noah had been heading away somewhere unknown, and she had been getting on with a new job at London Riverside while trying to get over a broken heart. ‘I wanted you to know about Holly. I really did.’ Her heart was cracking for them all. Now Noah finally knew, she understood she never wanted to lose him. She felt deeply for him and wanted a future with him.

  He was watching her, his chest rising and falling as he breathed deep and often. Then his eyes drifted down to Holly in her arms. His chest rose, stalled. His eyes softened while his hands gripped his hips tighter. His tongue slid over his lip from left to right. ‘You’ve had to cope on your own. That must’ve been hard.’

  ‘My family supports me. But, yes, there have been times when I’ve longed for you to be around, to be in Holly’s life.’

  If not mine.

  ‘It would’ve changed so many things. She needs you as much as she needs me.’

  ‘So why didn’t you tell me the day we bumped into each other?’ Wariness was creeping into his face.

  ‘On the wa
rd, surrounded with patients and staff? In the tearoom when at any moment we’d get interrupted?’

  ‘Come on, Stacey. You can do better than that.’ It was a comment, not an accusation.

  But he was right. ‘True. I’m sorry. After looking for you so long, when the moment arrived I was stunned. Suddenly Holly wasn’t just mine for real. Then when we had coffee that night it was too noisy, and then, well, we kissed and went to your house and you know what happened.’

  His gaze fell onto Holly, almost though he was sucking in the sight of his girl. When he spoke it was quietly, as though afraid to disturb his daughter. ‘I sort of understand, but there was afterwards, and the morning over breakfast, and any number of times.’

  ‘I felt guilty for getting distracted. I planned on telling you today. I really did.’ Thud, thud went her heart.

  Lifting his head slowly, dragging his eyes around to her, he stared at her again. ‘I guess it must’ve been difficult, not really knowing me that well. But now I do know, there’s a lot to absorb.’ Then he turned away and strode out of the room without another word.

  Leaving her feeling bereft. And fully aware that she was very close to being in love with him.

  When that had happened, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t as though there’d been much time for falling in love. Maybe it didn’t take long when it was the real deal. It could’ve happened three years ago when he’d danced with her. Or held her in his arms as they’d made love that same night. Or on Monday when he’d turned and she’d seen him for the first time since that wonderful time. Or today when he’d leapt to help when she’d received the dreadful news about Holly’s accident. Or could be that now she’d finally been able to get the truth out to him she’d let other emotions to the fore.

  Holly. This had to be about her more than her own feelings for Noah. Loving him, rightly or wrongly, could not dominate the coming days when they sorted out where they went from here.

  Give Noah time to think it all through. Don’t hassle him. Nothing to be gained by doing that. Concentrate on seeing Holly through her injuries and getting back on her little feet.

  That was her role. Be her mother first and second. Nothing else mattered.

  Tell that to her newly awakened heart. And Noah. She gazed down at the greatest gift she’d ever received.

  Thank you for believing me, Noah. Now, please, come back and talk to me.

  It had hurt beyond imagination when Angus had walked away from her after a lifetime together as friends then lovers. His betrayal had undermined her capacity to love without question. Not that she’d tried.

  Then along had come Noah, followed by Holly. She wanted to give the same back. Share the gift of their daughter. She’d never stop doing the absolute best for their daughter either, surrounding her with love and care and encouragement. She also wanted to love Noah openly, be loved in return.

  Her heart lurched. That was unlikely. Noah had been friendly, even aware of her as more than a nurse or friend, but for him to love her seemed a long way off, if ever possible. He’d not said as much, but he’d been hurt by his ex, and that would carry over to any relationship he had. Which only said there wasn’t much opportunity for her to win his heart.

  * * *

  Noah strode along the side of the road, head down, hands jammed in his pockets. The air was chilly, more rain due any minute. People were walking past him in all directions, intent on getting inside before the weather dumped on them.

  ‘I’m a father.’

  If Anastasia was being honest with him. Why wouldn’t she be? There was nothing for her to gain, because he knew those tricks, though not even Christine had been cold enough to throw a baby into the mix, only her plans for two. Was Anastasia that calculating? Had seeing his home been the catalyst? It didn’t seem right. She’d asked to see him today, and now he thought maybe it had been to tell him about Holly.

  Hearing she had a daughter had slammed into him. Why, when he hadn’t been a part of her life except for one night, had it knocked him sideways? She was entitled to a life of her own. He had no claims on her. Even if Holly wasn’t his, Stacey didn’t owe it to him to mention the child unless they got into a relationship.

  To be told the child was his had taken the ground out from under him. It was a game-changer. He didn’t know what to think. What should he do? What did he want to do? Accept Holly as his, accept Stacey had told the truth without checking it out? Huh, a part of him already did, or wanted to at least.

  Holly was gorgeous, even unconscious and as pale as whitewash. Biased already? She was so tiny, as two-year-olds were. When her eyes had fluttered open he’d felt a tap on his heart, and that had been before he’d known who she’d inherited those from.

  Sounds like you’re truly believing she’s yours.

  Could he be? Did he want to be a father? He’d always thought he would have children one day. But he’d expected to be there from the beginning, not come in a couple of years on. Stacey said she’d done all she could to find him, and thinking back he really had to believe that. There was no way she could’ve found him in Auckland. He’d never worked at London General so no one at the dance had known him except for the friend who’d dragged him along to keep him company until he got up the courage to ask the light of his life for a dance.

  He shivered as rain got under the collar of his jacket and trickled down his back. What did Anastasia expect of him now? Did she want a permanent relationship? Or financial gain? Or—and this was what he’d want if he was going to accept Holly as his own—did she just hope he’d be a father to their daughter? That would suit him. He could love Holly unconditionally. He wouldn’t be looking for love, he’d be giving it wholeheartedly with no expectations of what he’d get back.

  Wasn’t that how all love was meant to be? Wasn’t that how his parents had loved him, and he them in return? And each other. So why wasn’t he listening to his heart and giving everything to Anastasia? Because he was afraid she’d be another Christine.

  Come on, she’s not.

  Stacey was strong, independent despite living with her family, and open to others. Her family supported her, and no doubt did a lot for Holly, but she gave it back just as much, if not more. The little she’d told him about her father’s accident and how she’d stepped up showed that. Holly wouldn’t miss out on what was important in life. But he might. It was him who could blow this tentative relationship apart by not trusting Anastasia fully, by letting the past get in the way of the present and future. Stacey and Holly were his future, if he’d let them.

  Noah stumbled. A new shock registered in his beleaguered mind. He was accepting Holly was his? Already? Without thinking about everything involved? Without proof? Couldn’t be. Sure, he was coming close to falling deeply for Anastasia, but that didn’t mean stepping up and taking responsibility for her daughter, no questions asked.

  Her father had agreed she was straightforward about everything. Her father. So this was why Ian had been eyeing him so intently. Her family knew he was their granddaughter’s father. Were they expecting him to find out today? It made sense when he thought about it, explained a lot of things. If he chose to believe Anastasia. Why shouldn’t he? Not everyone was out to get what they could from him.

  ‘Look out.’ Someone grabbed his arm as he was about to step off the footpath and cross the road, right in the path of an oncoming car. ‘Thanks,’ he muttered, and waited impatiently for the lights to change. Getting taken out by a car wouldn’t help anyone, especially Anastasia when she was already distressed about Holly, and waiting for his next move.

  Holly. What a cute little girl. She had her mother’s looks and her thick hair might be curly but it was the same dark blonde. Was he really her father? And if so, what was he going to do about it?

  As the first spots of rain touched down on his face, Noah ducked into a pub and ordered a whisky. ‘A large one.’ He headed to a table by a window
and sat, rolling the glass back and forth between his hands.

  Only that morning he’d been impatient to see Anastasia, arriving at the tube station early. The moment she’d stepped into his view he’d felt deep happiness. His stomach had softened, his heart had thumped.

  The happiness was still there, if only he’d let it grow and stop trying to push it away. He’d always wanted to fall in love and experience the wonder of having someone who loved him back and supported him. But he’d also always been afraid of screwing up again. He hadn’t fallen deeply enough in love with Christine, but enough to believe they could make a go of it, and hopefully get to where his parents had been. He’d been wrong. Unfair to Christine even. While she’d been out for everything she could get from him, a clinical relationship like his aunt and uncle had, he’d been blind in his bid to get what he’d wanted.

  How he’d not recognised that from the outset had always bothered him and made him even more cautious. He had made a big mistake in thinking that love could grow if both people involved put the effort in.

  Love happened. From what he’d seen with friends it seemed to be there from the get-go, like a light switch being flicked on, and not necessarily with the kind of person anyone expected. Then he’d met Anastasia and within hours—or had it been minutes on the dance floor?—every idea of the perfect partner had gone in a puff of need.

  Could be Anastasia was the perfect woman for him. Might not be either. How did a man decide? He could go with his heart. Or let his brain choose.

  Or he could just go back to the hospital and sit with Anastasia and his daughter, and absorb the sense of them, their loving natures and generous hearts.