Until Now

by Cristin Cooper

  “I didn’t want to burden you.”

  He turned to face her, lifting her chin with a finger. “You aren’t, and will never be, a burden. Ever.”

  She leaned her head against his chest. “I’ve felt like a burden to someone since I was fifteen.” As much as she wanted him to hold her, she pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “May I ask why you’re here?”

  “He left it and everything in it to me.”

  He raised his brows. “Are you serious?”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “Are you keeping it?”

  She looked up at the house then to him. “No. I don’t want it.”

  After catching him up on what she and the attorney discussed, he asked, “Do you want help going through his things?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want anything of his. It’s being donated.”

  “Have you gone through everything to make sure?”

  “No. I went through everything but his bedroom. I can’t go in there.”

  “Do you want me to?”

  She looked at him, desperate to accept his help, but needing to push him away. She needed to prove to him that she was strong, that she could manage without him. “You don’t need to stay. I’ve got this.”

  “I didn’t say anything about need. I’m asking if you want me to help. I know things are strained between us, but I still care about you, and I need to be here for you.”

  He was being so…Billy. “Okay. Will you go through his room? I doubt there’s anything to save, but just in case…”

  “Show me the way.”

  “BRIDGET!” Billy yelled from behind the closed bedroom door. She sat on the floor next to the door, waiting for him to finish and the donation workers to clear the main living area.

  She opened the door and poked her head in. “What is it?” She still hadn’t stepped inside.

  He patted the spot next to him on the bed. “There’s something you need to see.”

  She took a reluctant step inside and looked around. She hadn’t realized she’d never been in this room before. Ever.

  Once she was seated, Billy placed a photo album on her lap. “You might want to keep this.”

  She opened the old photo album and was surprised by the first picture. It was from her parents’ wedding. She’d never seen a single picture of them together. What was more surprising was the smile on his face. She couldn’t remember a single time she had seen him smile.

  She flipped through pages filled with pictures of her and her dad together then suddenly, at about the age of three, the happy snapshots disappeared. They were replaced by a single copy of her school photos, one for each year. The change felt cold and abrupt. When she reached the last page, the album slipped from her hands.

  Billy reached down and picked it up. “How did he get photos of you and Katie?”

  Covering her face with her hands, she shook her head. “None of this makes sense.” Sorrow ran through her. He left her the house and had pictures of her and Katie, but he never spoke to her or came to see her.

  Confused, hurt, and angry, she pounded her fists on her knees. “I don’t understand. He didn’t love me! He ignored me, barely tolerated me, and never searched for me.”

  She lifted the lamp that sat next to the bed and threw it across the room, denting the wall and destroying the lamp. Her voice grew louder as she screamed, “Why couldn’t you love me?” She reached for anything that she could throw, leaving a pile of broken items on the floor.

  When she was done, the room was silent, except for her gasping breaths. Arms wrapped around her from behind. She had forgotten Billy was still there. Turning into his arms, the tears flowed. He held her tight against his chest.

  “What did I do to make him hate me?” she cried. “I was so stupid. I really believed that one day he would come find us and apologize.”

  “You’re not stupid. There’s nothing stupid about wanting to be loved. There was something wrong with him. You’re a very lovable person, second only to Sweets. In fact, so lovable it’s hard to stay mad at you.”

  She pulled away and wearily smiled. “You’ve been doing a good job.”

  He wiped the tears from her eyes. “But I never stopped loving you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Billy. I know I overreacted with you and Katie.”

  He smiled and looked at the mess on the floor. “I think that night I just got a preview of what you’re capable of. You’re scary.”

  She laughed against his chest. “You have no idea.”

  When she got home, Kent was sitting on her stoop waiting for her. “Hey, baby, I’ve missed you.” He pulled her onto his lap and gave her a sweet kiss. “You look like you’ve had a rough day.”

  That would be an understatement. “I did.”

  “Let me take care of you tonight.”

  She leaned against him. “Please.”

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  March 2013

  Billy

  “Wow, Sweets, you are stunning.” He took her hand and led her in a slow spin so he could take in the entire picture. She blushed and thanked him. His eyes turned to her mother nervously chewing on her lower lip.

  It was Sweets’ Senior Prom, which meant in only a few months she’d be graduating. It didn’t seem possible she was old enough.

  Sweets jumped with excitement at the knock on the door. She ran for it, but he beat her to it. “You have to make an entrance. There are rules for prom date pick-ups.” He smiled with enthusiasm.

  She rolled her eyes but hurried to her room. Bridget stood hip to hip with him as he opened the door.

  D.J. was a good-looking kid and polite. An enormous improvement over Katie’s last boyfriend, but then again, it wasn’t a high bar to beat. Billy actually liked this kid. He came to the diner to do homework and just hang out with her. Some nights, he stayed late to help close.

  Bridget liked him but was still cautious. She worried more than he suspected most mothers did, but he didn’t have a lot of experience outside the two of them.

  Not long after her father’s death, Bridget had come to him on the verge of another meltdown, because Katie had told her she wanted to go on birth control. That wasn’t the problem, though. It was the mere fact that Katie was getting older that left Bridget a bit manic some days.

  “Hello, Ms. Larson.”

  “Hello, D.J. You look handsome.”

  “Thank you.” He had a young face and a crooked smile that Sweets gushed over.

  Sweets didn’t wait for them to call her out. She ran out and jumped into his arms. He swung her around, sporting a huge grin. “Man! I’m lucky! I have the hottest girl in school going to prom with me.”

  She blushed in his arms. They had it bad for each other. Another thing that seemed to leave Bridget on the edge. She was trying, but…

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yes, but I want to take a few pictures first.”

  They made sure to hit every combination. D.J and Katie, Katie and Billy, Bridget and D.J., but before Bridget and Billy knew it, Katie and D.J. were out the door, heading to dinner and the dance.

  The moment the door closed, Bridget slumped on the couch, covering her face with her hands. “Tell me this isn’t happening? Tell me she’s not old enough to be going to her Senior Prom.” She pulled her hands away and silently pleaded with him to say exactly that.

  He sat and put an arm around her, hugging her to him. “I wish I could. What part bothers you the most?”

  “The part where she’s old enough. The part where they will be going to an after party with their friends. The part where they will be having sex. Oh my god. My baby is having sex!”

  “This isn’t a surprise.”

  She huffed. “I know, but… She’s just a year older than I was when I had her. I worry she’ll make the same mistakes I did.”

  “Even if she does…you did all right.”

  “Doesn’t mean I want her to go through it. I wouldn’t recom
mend it, especially if she doesn’t have a Billy.” She bumped his arm. He smiled, getting a little thrill from her comment. She’d always have him, whether she liked it or not. “No matter what, every guy she dates, I look at him and wonder if he would be around for the long haul if anything did happen. I want her to pick wisely. But then again, I could have sworn that… Never mind.”

  He wished she’d talk about it. He had always been curious, but she avoided talking about him or what happened.

  Billy squeezed her shoulder. “Bridget, even if the boy she picks doesn’t deserve her, she would never be alone. She has us. I have an idea. Why don’t you put on a nice dress, I’ll go put my suit on, and we can get some ice cream—across the street from the dance. We could just happen to walk by and maybe pop our heads in for a minute to see her. You know, since we’ll be walking by.”

  “You’re smarter than I give you credit for.”

  “HEY!” He pinched her side, making her squeal.

  He stood, pulled her off the couch and swatted her backside as she ran to her bedroom. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes. Be ready.”

  “Hey, Mr. Bossy Pants, I might need more than twenty minutes.”

  Bridget licked her cone again, making his pants grow tight. This might not have been the best idea. He adjusted his slacks, again.

  They managed to find a back door to the dance propped open with a chair. They took turns peeking their heads in searching for Sweets. No luck so far.

  Leaning against the brick wall, Bridget smiled, taking another lick of her cone. He needed to stop looking at her or distract himself.

  “Did you go to your prom?” she asked.

  “Yes. I went with a girl named Samantha.”

  “Did you have sex that night?”

  “Yes. It was the first time for both of us and so completely awkward that I have to laugh about it otherwise, I’ll cry.”

  She tilted her head back and laughed. “I bet you were cute, but I can’t imagine you without your tattoos.”

  “I wouldn’t have called me cute, but I wasn’t hideous. I managed to have a few girlfriends.”

  She winked. “I’m sure you did.”

  “Do you wish you went to prom?”

  She shrugged with her mouth full of ice cream. It took her a moment to speak. “I’m sad that I missed some teenage things, but at the same time, it would mean not having Katie. Nothing would be worth that, especially not a dance.”

  She stuffed the rest of her cone in her mouth and smiled. He stared at her, so thankful she had come into his diner and that he had had the opportunity to be part of their lives.

  Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes and whispered the words to the song playing inside. She looked beautiful, and he wanted desperately to hold her in his arms.

  “Would you like to dance?”

  “Really? Yes!”

  She pushed off the wall and walked straight into his open arms. They moved in a slow circle, her head on his chest and arms wrapped around his neck. He kept his hands on her hips, holding back the desire to pull her closer.

  Once the song ended, she lifted her head and smiled. She released her hold on him, but he didn’t let go of her. One hand slid up her back and through her hair. He stared into her eyes, his breath growing ragged. He needed to kiss her. The moment he started to lean into her, a bright light flashed in his eyes. He lifted a hand, blocking the light, but he could only see red spots.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  Billy blinked until his vision cleared. The security guard flashed the light back and forth between him and Bridget. She leaned her head against his chest, laughing hard enough her body shook in his arms.

  “We came to check on our daughter.”

  She lifted her head and looked at him with big eyes then turned to the guard and nodded in agreement.

  “Every. Year.” The older gentleman shook his head. “It wouldn’t be prom unless some overprotective parents spied on their kids.”

  Bridget popped her mouth open to respond to the rude man, but Billy managed to get her turned around and forced her to step away before she said something she might regret. “We’re leaving right now. You can put the flashlight away.”

  “But I didn’t get to see Katie,” Bridget whined.

  “And we won’t if they call the cops on us for trespassing.”

  “Fine.” She stomped toward the truck the best she could in her high heels until he asked, “Waffles?”

  * * *

  After getting the ingredients out, she left him to mix and cook while she changed into her sleep shorts and tank top. If there was one thing that kept him up at night, it was thinking about her in her sleep clothes.

  They ate, watched movies, and talked until they heard a key turn in the lock. She pulled him into her room, turned off the light but left the door ajar. “We should give them some privacy,” she whispered. He chuckled to himself since she was doing anything but giving them privacy by peeking through the open door.

  She punched his shoulder. “Shush. They’ll hear us.”

  They sat on the floor, leaning against her bed. It gave him dangerous thoughts, ones that would require a cold shower.

  After they had heard Katie say goodbye to her date and the sound of her bedroom door close, Bridget gripped his arm and peered through the small opening. “Coast is clear,” she whispered.

  Just as they stepped out, Katie walked out of her bedroom. Her jaw dropped as she looked back and forth between them. Then her cheeks lifted in a huge grin. “What are you guys doing?”

  Bridget looked at him then to her daughter. “He was just fixing my closet door.”

  “At three in the morning?” Katie said with a laugh.

  Bridget rolled her eyes. “Knock it off. We were trying to give you some privacy, you stinker. Did you have fun?”

  “I did. I’ll tell you all about it when I wake up tomorrow afternoon. I’m too tired tonight. When you’re done saying goodnight, will you come help me with my dress?”

  “Of course. I’ll be right there.”

  She walked him to the door and smiled. “I had fun tonight.”

  He leaned in to kiss her forehead. It seemed like the natural thing to do, but he pulled back and gave her a hug instead. “Me too. I’ll see you later.”

  Chapter Forty

  August 9:00 PM

  Billy

  “Before I start, can I ask a question?” He had several, but he’d begin with the most pressing.

  “You realize that asking me if you can ask a question, is a question, right?”

  “Bridget...” She was already making it difficult.

  How am I going to make it through this?

  “Sorry.” She held her head high and her shoulders back. “Yes. Even though I dislike it when you start our conversations with a question.” She gave the appearance of confidence, but in his peripheral vision, he noticed her fingers grip the back of the couch until her knuckles were white.

  He chuckled at her reaction but didn’t let it deter him. “Why didn’t you ever get married?” He held up a hand before she could answer. “I can understand why you didn’t marry Preston. You were still pretty young, but why not Jared? You guys were crazy for each other, and he loved Katie.”

  After an uncomfortable wait she finally said, “I don’t know…” She averted her eyes, staring at something behind him.

  “I think you do.” He wanted to beg her to open up to him and let out her secrets. He had a feeling that what she had shared with him today was just the tip of the iceberg. She wasn’t necessarily secretive, but guarded.

  She just shook her head. “First tell me why you didn’t.”

  He was afraid of this. She had made dodging questions a professional sport. He couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just answer his question. “We’re not talking about me.”

  “Maybe we should. I remember overhearing you tell Diane that you wanted to get married and have a family.” He tilted his head back and sighed.


  Fine.

  If she wasn’t going to answer, he would.

  “I do.” Which was true. He’d wanted it since Katie came into the world.

  “You had chances…” She exuded hurt and sadness through her eyes. She closed them for a moment before she went on. “You loved Freja. Even though you two kept breaking up, it didn’t take long before you were back together. She wanted marriage and family.”

  Freja.

  If there was one person who he had gotten close to committing to, it was Freja. They had passion, friendship, love, respect, and wanted the same things in life. They should have been the perfect couple. But the moment he saw Bridget as a woman and not the young girl who needed help, he could no longer imagine Freja as his wife or mother of his children.

  “I did love Freja. She was a wonderful woman, but I didn’t love her enough to marry her.”

  “What about the others?” Talking about his former lovers was painful. They were all poor substitutes for her. He didn’t appreciate being reminded of how much he hurt them by being with them when he was in love with someone else.

  “Same answer, different woman. Why don’t you ask what you really want to know? I can see it in your eyes.” He didn’t mean to be gruff, but she wasn’t answering his question.

  She released her death grip on the couch but was still wound up. “Billy, did you not get married because of Katie and me?”

  Surprised by her question, he wondered why she thought that.

  “I leaned on you from the moment we met. I don’t want to think what would’ve happened to us if you hadn’t been there.”

  He shuddered at the thought. There was no way he’d let his imagination go there. She might’ve found someone to help her, but then where would she be? For that matter, where would he be? She believed he saved her, but she and Katie did the saving. He experienced true happiness and love he hadn’t known existed.

  He believed he would’ve had a good life. Most likely married Freja and had a family and been happily content, but…then he wouldn’t have his girls.