“So what do you think I should do, then? Take the risk of letting myself get carried away and forgoing my obligations, including Levi?” Matt’s tone suggested he thought this was absurd, which it was, but not the way he believed.
“No. I think you should let yourself enjoy a healthy life.”
Matt shook his head. Collin suspected this was heading for a line about celibacy, territory he couldn’t handle.
“I need to take a step back so I can get my priorities in order and figure out how to make sure they stay that way.”
Yeah, he’d seen that coming, and he was not having it. “You want to stop having sex? For how long?”
“As long as it takes.”
This was a deal breaker for Collin. He wasn’t about to become a monk because some judgmental bastard couldn’t handle the idea of anyone actually enjoying their sex life. So, as much as he hated to because he knew what would likely follow, he said, “No.”
“What?”
“No, Matt. I’m not taking an indefinite hiatus from sex with my boyfriend. You want to work out a system to make sure you don’t miss the important calls, I’m there. Hell, have Levi call twice in a row if it’s urgent. You need support figuring out how to disentangle yourself from the lies your family spewed, I can do that. But I’m not going to have a platonic relationship with my own boyfriend. I’m sorry, but if that’s your plan, we’re over.”
Maybe this line in the sand would serve as a wake-up call. Collin hoped so, because up until this abstinence shit, he had been really happy with Matt and idea of splitting up would’ve been outrageous. Still, a man had to stand by his principles in life, and one of Collin’s was that he was going to sleep with his boyfriend on a regular basis, without any shame.
“Oh,” said Matt, very quiet once more. “I guess this isn’t going to work, then.”
Not normally a violent man, Collin would’ve nevertheless been delighted to sock Matt’s dad in his sanctimonious face. This was so fucking unfair. Here he was, falling in love with a terrific guy, when the religious abuse came back to ruin everything. Now Collin had to suffer because the Aldridges were a bunch of repressed bigots.
“I really like you, Matt, but this whole sex as a slippery slope to ignoring everything else idea is just another way people like your parents control everyone around them.”
Okay, Collin wasn’t the only one suffering. He could see it in Matt’s eyes for a moment before some kind of mask slipped into place, even if this was Matt’s decision.
How much of a decision was it when you’d been conditioned your whole life, anyway?
He fucking hated the glimpse of pain before Matt shut down, but it was necessary. This was a hell of a breakup, tragically and completely avoidable if only Matt could see how uptight and fearful his family was, but Collin was holding firm even as it broke his heart.
“If they’re right…”
“They’re not.” He knew this for a fact, and launched into one more try. “Please, Matt, we’ve got something good here. Don’t let your dad ruin it.”
Matt hung his head. “It’s not what I want, either, but…”
“Yeah. But.”
Collin had broken up with guys before, of course. Never like this, on the basis of something so utterly stupid. It was a special kind of hurt to know there was no need to go through this.
The adorable redhead turned to leave. “I’m sorry, Collin.”
“Me too.”
So many tragedies: that Matt had fallen victim to his family’s fearmongering once again; that the Aldridges were such a toxic bunch to begin with; that Collin couldn’t find a way to convince Matt; how Levi was going to learn exactly the wrong lesson from their breakup; and how so many more people were still stuck in this mindset.
He’d have done just about anything to keep Matt, except celibacy. Why couldn’t people agree that sex was awesome?
The door clicked shut, leaving him alone in his apartment, pissed off at the world in general and ultra-conservative Christians in particular. Seething with frustration, he stomped over to his bureau for his bathing suit. The situation called for swimming, which, among many other uses, was an excellent outlet for frustration. God knew he needed one at the moment.
Maybe if he swam hard enough, he could forget for a few minutes that he’d lost an amazing guy. It was worth a shot, at least, since he was short on sex-negative religious bigots to punch.
He wore himself out with a long and energetic swim, and if his intensity put off a couple other people in the pool, well, they stayed out of his way and didn’t bother him with idle chat, so Collin had no objections.
By the time he got home, he was completely wiped out but still heartbroken and pissed off. He kept seeing that sad look when Matt slunk out the door, and damn it all, Collin just wanted to fix everything, but he was utterly powerless.
When his phone chimed to inform him of a text, he knew better than to hope it was Matt realizing he was wrong. He checked it anyway, and of course it wasn’t Matt. It was his brother.
Todd: I just found out Gramps expects we’re going to give the baby his name, at least as a middle name, because it’s family tradition.
It didn’t sound like a fun conversation to take on with the grandparents, but Collin wasn’t so easily distracted from his own woes.
Collin: Matt broke up with me because he’s afraid of turning into a sex addict.
Typed out, the idea looked ever stupider than it sounded when spoken.
A few seconds later his phone rang, and he answered immediately. “Hey.”
“What the hell?” asked Todd.
“There may be some fear of Hell involved, too.”
“Can you maybe start from the beginning?”
Collin flopped on his couch, face up. Might as well be comfortable while he recounted the latest sad chapter in his dating life. “He grew up in a conservative religious family. We’re talking fire and brimstone type, big time.”
“Doesn’t that usually not go well with being gay?”
“To put it mildly, and he’s estranged from his family, but that crap is more insidious than I thought. I mentioned that he took in his cousin, yes?”
“Yeah,” said Todd. “Teenager, right?”
“Right. Some asshole bicyclist knocked him over and broke his arm. He called last night while Matt and I were getting busy, we ignored the phone, and apparently this tapped into some shit Matt’s dad told him about how prioritizing sex puts you on the path to neglecting every responsibility in your life in favor of constant hedonism. And Hell too, I think, though oddly enough he seemed less concerned about that.” A sign of some progress in leaving behind his family’s toxic views, though not nearly enough for a happy life.
“So he broke up with you?”
“Not exactly. He decided he needs to take an indefinite break from sex. I was not okay with that, so then we broke up.”
“Shit, man, I’m sorry. I know you really liked him.”
“Yeah.”
He did like Matt, and beneath the anger that some stupid, bigoted, judgmental fucker’s skewed worldview ruined their relationship, he felt genuinely sorry for his erstwhile boyfriend. Collin didn’t have to deal with that religious shit, but it was still screwing with Matt big time.
Nobody deserved to have this kind of baggage dumped on them. Least of all Matt, who was such a sweet and gentle guy, the kind of man you wanted to protect from the ills of the world. Not like that was possible, but still.
Damn it, breakups were easier when he could be mad at the ex, not at the ex’s family. A little anger could be useful. Collin still wanted to hold Matt and promise him everything would be okay.
“Does he know that pretty much everyone prioritizes sex at least some of the time?” asked Todd.
“I tried to make that point. It didn’t stick.”
“Biological imperative? Essential for the propagation of the species?”
Collin had never once had sex which could contribute to the conti
nuation of the human race, nor did he ever intend to. “Pretty sure that doesn’t apply here.”
“I’m speaking broadly.”
“It doesn’t really make a difference. This isn’t about reason, it’s about fear.” Logic often failed when someone was truly, deeply afraid, so Collin was under no illusions that he could’ve fixed everything if only he’d known the right words.
“Nothing a little bit of rationality will help, then,” said Todd. “Damn. I mean, we’re obviously going to have to make sex a lesser priority once the baby is born, but we’re not giving it up for eighteen years. A sex life and a kid aren’t mutually exclusive, and his cousin is a teenager, so I don’t see the problem.”
Neither did Collin. He wasn’t asking Matt to cut work in favor of orgies, just to allow a normal sex life not held back by fear of catastrophe if he wasn’t tethered to his phone. All those people who talked about the drawbacks of cellphones had more of a point than Collin had previously considered. He’d always been of the mind that you could ignore any call you wanted. Although, the way Matt had worked himself up, he’d probably have just assigned the same importance to a landline, where you couldn’t give unique ringtones so you’d know who was calling and judge the importance of interrupting other activities in order to answer.
“Matt defaults to worst-case scenario most of the time. Fear again, you know? And I think he’s worked himself up to this mental picture of his cousin bleeding out and only having strength to make one phone call, which he then misses because we’re going at it.”
“That’s unlikely,” said Todd. “Really unlikely.”
“I know.” He sighed, ready for a distraction from the whole mess. “What’s this with Gramps?”
Todd obliged the change in subject. “Family tradition my ass. He just wants me to name my kid after him because he didn’t get to have a junior of his own and Mom didn’t name one of us after him either.”
Gramps was their mother’s father, and he was never as warm with Collin post-coming out. “That’s something, at least. He sure wouldn’t want me to name my kid after him.”
“I don’t know. At this point if you did, he just might decide you’re his favorite grandson after all. No way in hell I’m saddling my son with Hiram, even as a middle name. I don’t care if my middle name comes from Great-Grandpa.”
Todd made an excellent point. Hiram was not a good name for a twenty-first century baby. All the same, his brother had found and married the person with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life, and right now Collin envied that. His brother had all the luck in romance.
Chapter Twenty-One
When Levi went out to the library, his preferred method of getting some privacy, Matt called Sarah to update her on breaking up with Collin, and maybe get some sympathy because he really was miserable about the whole situation.
Sympathy, as it turned out, was not immediately forthcoming.
“You what?” Sarah screeched. “No, no. That was a terrible mistake. You need to go over right now and beg Collin’s forgiveness for being so stupid.”
“Gee, you really know how to make a guy feel better.” He already felt lousy enough and didn’t need Sarah piling on disapproval, not to mention insults.
She calmed down ever so slightly. “Matt, you guys are crazy about each other. Why did you break up with him?”
So he told her the whole sordid story, as coherently as he could manage, finishing with, “I didn’t want to break up. Collin makes – made me really happy.” Ouch. Using past tense for their relationship was so awfully final.
Someone knocked on his door. Matt wasn’t inclined to answer, not least because he had watery eyes and no allergies on which to blame them.
“It’s me,” said Sarah. “I got a Lyft.”
“You didn’t have to come over.”
“I know. Let me in.”
Dex was enjoying his usual Saturday free roam, so Matt picked him up before answering the door. He was already in a low mood and chasing his beardie around the building would only make it worse.
Sarah went for a hug as soon as he put Dex back on his jungle gym. “I shouldn’t have called you stupid. I’m sorry. This is about your family’s screwed-up thinking.”
He appreciated the apology but had larger concerns. “What if they were right?”
“About Satan using sex as bait for stealing your soul?” Her voice dripped skepticism. “You really think so?”
He didn’t know what he thought, which was a large part of the problem. “Maybe not Satan exactly, but the potential to get so caught up in sex that I ignore my responsibilities.”
Sarah sighed and sat on the couch. “You do realize that plenty of people are able to balance their sex lives and their obligations. Not to mention, humanity got along just fine for thousands of years before cell phones meant you were constantly at beck and call.”
“Those other people know what they’re doing,” he said. Also, humanity as a whole may have gotten along before cell phones, but individual people died or suffered horribly because no one was around to help them, so he didn’t think her point was applicable.
“Not necessarily. We’ve been over this, Matt. Just because people appear confident, self-assured, and knowledgeable doesn’t mean they really are. That’s your own insecurities running away with you again.”
So she said. He wasn’t entirely convinced this was true. Oh, it undoubtedly was in some cases, but not all, and not this one. It was barely possible for someone to know less about taking on responsibility for a teenager than Matt currently did. He needed to ask his therapist if she could recommend books on the subject.
“What if it had been more serious?” he asked. “If it was really bad and nobody was nearby to help him, we’d be having a very different conversation. In the ICU, probably.” Or worse yet, at a funeral home.
“He’s sixteen, mostly old enough to take care of himself, and don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re slipping back into your old patterns of living in fear of the worst possible outcome.”
“I have a lot of experience with worst possible outcomes.”
“You think I don’t? My mom decided the best way to deal with Dad’s boozing was to join him, and I was a distant third from that point forward. When I was fifteen my foster parents sent me back because the dad decided I was too much of a temptation, whatever the hell that meant. Life fucks us all over sometimes, but if you let that be the deciding factor in every decision, you’re going to miss out on a lot of good stuff.”
“You never told me about that foster father.” Matt was well aware this comment was a transparent attempt to change the subject, and he was desperate enough to try anyway.
“He was an ass.”
“Sounds like a lot of the fundamentalist Christian focus on purity, where they put all the onus on women not to lead men into temptation. Because apparently straight men have no self-control.” He’d heard it endlessly growing up, and it saddened him to think of his younger sisters still having it drilled into their heads. It was a short step from there to blaming sexual assault victims.
Then again, he wasn’t doing so well on the sexual self-control himself. Not that this excused blaming other parties, of course, but it did speak to a certain baseness in human nature which needed to be overcome.
“Probably, but that’s not my point and you know it.” Sarah gave him her I-mean-business look, which was not as intimidating as she appeared to think.
“My life isn’t only about me anymore,” he reminded her. “Levi’s already been let down more than enough. I won’t do the same thing.”
“I don’t think you’re failing Levi by having a boyfriend or having sex.” When he opened his mouth to object, she anticipated the point. “No, not even if you don’t jump every time he calls you.”
It sounded reasonable on the surface, he had to admit. On the other hand, he couldn’t help himself from imagining a worst-case scenario, and his father’s words about the dangers of getting carried aw
ay with sex still rang in his head. This could be only the tip of the iceberg before he lost himself in pursuit of carnal pleasure. First ignoring Levi’s call, and who knew what would be next?
“I thought I’d untangled this,” he said, looking enviously at his carefree pet scampering around, happy as could be.
“Being Levi’s guardian?”
“No, I’m not even close there. I meant the baggage about sex.”
Sarah was quiet for a minute, thinking. Then she said, “I see. What happened yesterday could look like confirmation of your family’s screwed-up views on sex.”
“Could? I think we’re past maybe and well into definitely.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s some kind of confirmation bias.”
“Don’t you have to want something for a confirmation bias? I didn’t want my dad to be right about this.” On the contrary, he was absolutely miserable about it, not to mention beating himself up for his lack of self-control.
“Want, no, but clearly some part of you is still afraid he’s on to something.” Sarah leaned forward, the way she did when she wanted to speak gently. “Your parents were wrong about so many things. Same-sex attraction being your cross to bear comes to mind. Why can’t they be wrong about this one too?”
Evidently he needed to state the blindingly obvious. “Because I just proved them right about sex taking priority when it shouldn’t.”
She shook her head sadly, heaving a sigh of frustration. “Do you have ice cream? No? I’ll order some from GoPuff.”
Sarah did love her delivery apps. Matt figured there were worse things to do at the moment than let his best friend drown his sorrows in Ben & Jerry’s.
When he told Levi the news, his cousin immediately asked, “Is this because of me?”
“No.”
It truly wasn’t. His arrival may have been the catalyst, but not the cause. Matt needed to step back and figure out how to have a healthy approach to sex, presuming such a thing was possible for him, and he couldn’t do that with Collin. Not when Collin didn’t share his views on the dangers of getting caught up in pleasure-seeking.
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