“Yeah, babe, you do.” Collin was surprisingly okay with that fact, something he wouldn’t have expected before Matt. “And I know you’re sorry. I don’t know how all this shit you came from works, but it sounds awful.”
“It was.” Matt put his head on Collin’s shoulder, which made Collin’s world right again. “It still is. Awful and exhausting. Self-loathing is very tiring. It’s much nicer to accept that I’m no worse than anyone else on the planet, although then I was mad at myself for breaking up with you.”
“Try to stop beating yourself up over it.” He tipped Matt’s head in position for a gentle kiss. “You made a mistake. I forgive you. Let’s move forward, yeah?”
Matt’s answer was a much longer kiss that went on for at least a minute. When they eventually stopped, he said, “I’d like that. Moving forward.”
“It’s a deal.”
Of course, the inevitable erection was happening with Matt moving around on his lap and kissing him. Collin hadn’t wanted to push, but Matt took note and ran with it.
“Collin?”
“Yeah?”
“Is make-up sex a real thing?”
He chuckled out of pure happiness. “It absolutely is. You want some firsthand experience?”
“Yes, please.” Matt paused. “And I only have to stop if Levi calls twice in a row, like you suggested.”
“Okay.” It was good to see he’d gone ahead and come up with a system to know if there was a real emergency. Collin never wanted Matt to neglect his cousin, only to have a realistic approach to the whole situation, one that allowed for a normal life.
“I don’t suppose you have any whipped cream?”
Collin shook his head. He’d thrown out the can in a fit of heartbroken sullenness over their split. “I’ll pick some up for next time.”
When Matt moved in for more kissing, the world seemed right again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Between finishing work and going to his book club, Matt met up with Sarah to give her the whole story, as opposed to the brief texts they’d exchanged the night before.
“I’m so glad,” she said. “You guys are an adorable couple.”
“Thanks.” He toyed with lettuce peeking out of his burrito wrap. “Can I ask you a kind of ongoing favor?”
“Sure. That’s what friends are for.”
“If I’m starting to panic again, can I use you as a reality check?”
“Of course. I tried to do that last time, but…” she trailed off.
“But I was already too far into freaking out to listen,” he finished. “I know. Collin said if I unilaterally cut off sex or break up with him again, I’d better mean it, because this is a one-time deal.”
“That’s reasonable.”
“I know. I honestly didn’t think getting back together would even be an option.”
“Let me guess. You’re continuing to beat yourself up.”
Sarah knew him very well and was therefore spot-on. Matt nodded. It was hard not to berate himself for such a spectacular freak out.
“We all make mistakes,” she said. “And your parents fucked you up more than most.” She chewed with her thoughtful face for a moment, then said, “I think Levi coming has dredged up fear. That’s understandable, and you’ve got a lot more fear than most people, so, it all kind of exploded.”
“I’m not going to let them win. My parents, I mean.”
“Good for you.”
“Thanks, Sarah. I love you, you know.”
“Hey, I love you too. Nobody else was lining up to let me sob on their shoulder when Gracie died.”
“You adored her,” he replied. Of course he’d been there when she was mourning her cat. That was what best friends did.
“We’re good, Matt. I’m not upset that you ignored my advice or anything.”
“Okay.” He’d been a touch worried about that possibility. “Do you want to hear something exciting?”
“Always.”
“He called me ‘babe’ last night. Twice.” Once when they made up, and again during make-up sex which was really good. Not worth fighting in the first place, though.
Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Oooh, that is exciting. And you like it?”
“I like it a lot.” It made him feel extremely special, not to mention adored. “Oh, and Levi is relieved and happy that we’re back together.”
“Relieved?”
“He thought it was his fault, even when I assured him otherwise.”
“Of course he did,” said Sarah, shaking her head slightly. “Guilt and fear are obviously how everyone in your family operates.”
“Yes.” She’d hit the nail exactly on the head, even without personally interacting with the rest of his family. “It’s inculcated from birth, and as I’ve recently proven, not an easy habit to get out of, even when you want to. I’m honestly amazed that Collin is willing to stick around.”
“Hey, you have a lot to offer.”
“I’m not saying I don’t, exactly. Just that I haven’t dealt with quite as much of my baggage as I’d thought.” And he’d assumed the bad would outweigh the good as far as romance was concerned.
“Who has?” she asked. “Some people might say my refusal to date anyone who drinks is an indication that I have more work to do in the baggage department.”
“Somehow I don’t think that’s as problematic as what I did.”
“Whatever. The point is, we’re all works in progress.”
“I know. Even when we were breaking up, he said he’ll support me while I disentangle myself from my family’s views, and he told me again last night. He saw how deep all of this struggling to break free goes, and he’s not running.”
“God, Matt, he’s a keeper. You know that, right?”
“I do.” He nodded and picked up his burrito again. “Now more than ever.”
This striptease business was a lot harder than it sounded. In theory, it was simple: take clothes off, turn boyfriend on. Matt very much liked the idea of giving Collin a private show, and it was hot to think that merely watching him would be arousing for his boyfriend. However, in practice, he didn’t know what he was doing, and he was starting to think he ought to have waited and done more research before his attempt. Although that could have been his lack of self-confidence speaking again.
He tried to look on the bright side. Even if this first try went horribly awry, he was doing it, which was better than giving in to his worry over failing or, worse still, the old family line about such activities being shameful. Matt wanted to feel sexy and he wanted to get Collin worked up, so he was going for it. If nothing else, that was its own victory.
All the same, he’d like to get the striptease at least somewhere approaching right. The articles he’d read online emphasized doing everything slowly. Be a tease. It’s right in the name. In retrospect, he should’ve gone for tips aimed specifically at men. He’d assumed the advice could be applied to him as well as a woman, but then again women had bras and other complicated undergarments they could use to drag out the process.
The button-down shirt had been a good call. He undid each button as slowly as he could, and then inched the fabric down, first below his shoulders, slipping a little lower until at last the garment fell to the ground. With any luck, that had looked sexy.
Eye contact was strongly recommended, and while he wasn’t sure he could pull off a sultry gaze, whatever that meant, the basic locking of eyes was completely doable. And, once accomplished, very encouraging. Collin didn’t look bored. Quite the contrary, he was watching Matt’s little show with complete attention and, better yet, one hand lazily rubbing himself through his pants.
The reaction was everything Matt hoped for. Feeling desirable and extremely pleased with his success, he put a hand on his stomach and crept down to unbutton his pants. Next came the zipper at a snail’s pace, and then he hooked a thumb over his pants by either hip.
So far, so good. He’d practiced a couple times when Levi wasn’t home, e
ven tried out three different songs before settling on which to use, and the effort seemed to be paying off. He shimmied his hips as sexily as he could and pushed the pants down a little.
“Yeah,” said Collin, whose voice had gotten gratifyingly deep with arousal. “Take them off.”
Matt smiled at the verbal feedback, and continued with a bit more confidence.
For the occasion, he’d gotten new underwear. Not crazy underwear, and he had never realized quite how many wild options were available until he started shopping. He still wasn’t sure why anyone bothered with underwear featuring a penis hole, but apparently it was a popular choice. So were thongs, which just sounded really uncomfortable.
In the end, he’d gone with a pair that was fairly modest, by the standards of what a search for “sexy men’s underwear” brought up. The major difference from his usual was in the tightness. These underwear clung everywhere, and he thought this feature did good things to the view of his package, not to mention his butt.
He spun around so Collin got a view from behind while the pants finally came off. There was only so long he could drag that out before gravity took over.
Collin whistled, which made Matt blush, of course. Turning around again, he had to admit that it felt really, really good to have his boyfriend’s eyes glued to his crotch like this.
“Loving the tight undies, babe.”
Those would definitely be making a reappearance soon, then. He’d have to order another pair, maybe in a bright color instead of basic black.
When practicing, Matt hadn’t gotten very turned on. The real deal, with Collin ogling him appreciatively, had done quite a bit to get him hard, which was very noticeable in the underwear. He did fill the garment out nicely, he decided, and now he had a new appreciation for sexy clothes.
Still, the underwear had to come off and the song was going to end soon, so he started peeling them down, rolling fabric so as not to be hasty. Naturally, this worked out much differently with an erection than it had when he practiced, but it was all good because the tip of his cock peeked out, and Collin whistled again.
As the song wound down, Matt let the underwear fall and stepped forward with a final shimmy. For a first striptease, he thought he’d done well.
“C’mere, you,” said Collin, yanking off his own clothes. He was nice and hard, which made Matt feel fantastic about his show. “I need to touch you now.”
“You liked that?”
“Loved it. Can’t you tell?”
He could, but a little verbal confirmation never hurt anyone.
“It was hot as fuck.” He pulled Matt down on top of him, cocks bumping delightfully in the process. “Hope to get a repeat soon. Have to return the favor, too.”
Now there was an exciting thought. Matt wondered if Collin owned any sexy underwear. He abandoned the line of thinking when Collin pulled him down for some wriggly making out, which in short order turned into serious grinding.
He briefly registered the tone indicating he had a text, but ignored it. Unless he heard Levi’s ringtone twice in a row, nothing was urgent, and he was having way too much fun to stop.
“I wanna suck you off,” said Collin, looking all hot and disheveled with his lips kiss-swollen and his hair askew.
“Yes.” The word came out more as a moan than anything else. He rolled off and flopped on his back.
Collin was really, really good at giving oral. He had all kinds of interesting tricks, many of which Matt was adding to his own repertoire. It always felt like every iota of his attention was focused on Matt’s cock, which was too incredible for words.
Matt was incredibly lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Not just because of the sex, though that was excellent. Collin saw him, even in his moments of insecurity and inclination to fear the worst, and wanted to be with him anyway, offering his support and encouragement. He inspired Matt to believe that leaving behind the misery of his parents’ mindset in order to embrace living as a well-adjusted gay man really was possible, despite the difficulty.
Collin was an amazing man, and Matt could feel himself falling further in… well, the L word was a bit too large and significant to say out loud just yet, but he didn’t know what else this could possibly be.
He could worry about actually saying the word later. The present moment was for intimacy of the physical variety, and that was more than enough. It was fantastic, and he warned, “Close.”
Collin pulled off, replacing his mouth with his hand. “You wanna come on my face, babe?”
Matt nodded. It still amazed him that his boyfriend not only accepted this, but encouraged it.
“Do it,” said Collin just before closing his eyes. He was so handsome, jerking Matt off, waiting to be covered in semen.
It didn’t take long. Matt groaned and made a mess all over his boyfriend’s gorgeous face. He thought some even made it up to Collin’s hair. It was an intense orgasm, and Matt intended to do his very best to reciprocate. Just as soon as he found the energy to move again.
“Give me a minute and I’m going to go to town on you,” he promised.
Collin grinned and wiped his face. “No rush. We have plenty of time.”
Plenty of time with Collin. Matt loved the sound of that.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Collin met his brother for a drink after work at a new bar Todd liked. The place made a good White Russian, to be sure, though for the price he’d have been really annoyed if they skimped on the liquor.
“So you’re okay with Matt’s issues?” asked Todd, voice suggesting he wouldn’t be if he was in Collin’s shoes.
“Everyone has issues. Nobody’s perfect.” He was well aware that he could come across as too flippant, but that was his reaction to a world frequently cruel to gay men.
“Sure, but this sounds like a big one.”
“He didn’t ask for me to take him back, originally. I guess he thought that ship sailed, which actually makes me feel better because it means he knows he fucked up.”
“Yeah,” said Todd. “Calling off sex is a fuck-up of pretty major proportions.”
“I told him I wouldn’t take him back again, and I think he really gets that he, or to be more accurate his parent’s worldview, was wrong. This all goes back to his parents’ shit, and if he can learn from it and move on, I’d hate to lose a great boyfriend over one temporary panic thanks to the legacy of his spectacularly awful parents.”
Matt also needed to remember that such things were now a joint effort and he had to take into account Collin’s perspective. As far as that went, Collin wasn’t unduly alarmed. Matt wasn’t selfish by any means, he just had the usual learning curve regarding being part of a couple.
“I can see that,” said Todd, after considering a moment.
“Besides, you’re one to talk about getting second chances after fucking up.”
Now that had been a failure to communicate. Back when Todd and Mel were just getting serious, Todd had very stupidly neglected to mention that their cousin’s 18th birthday plans involved going to a strip club, and he himself would be going for the festivities. Mel wasn’t angry about Todd watching strippers in principle, but she was mighty pissed that he hadn’t discussed it with her beforehand, and they’d been on thin ice until Mel calmed down and Todd wised up about her having a valid point.
“True,” said Todd. “Less baggage in our case, though. That was just me being young and idiotic.”
“I’m not afraid of Matt’s upbringing, as long as he’s dealing with it.”
“I’ve always known you were the stronger man.”
Collin barely swallowed his mouthful of White Russian without choking in surprise. “What?”
“It’s true.” Todd shrugged uncomfortably. “Impending fatherhood has made me face some aspects of myself, and one of those is that I’m too quick to run when things get tough. I can’t do that anymore, not with a son. But you? It’s never been a problem. You pick doing what makes you happy over financial security. People give yo
u crap for liking guys or being so out and proud, and you stand your ground. Matt has baggage from his shitty parents, and you don’t let it scare you off.” He picked up his glass and swirled the drink around. “I could learn a few things from you.”
“Hey, you’re going to be a great dad.” Collin had never doubted his brother’s parenting potential, though he did hope Mel was in charge of the baby’s haircuts, because picking good ones wasn’t a strength of Todd’s.
“I hope so.”
“I know so. Just let Mel decide on the kid’s hairstyles, and you’ll be fine.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle,” retorted Todd. “But thanks. It’s a huge responsibility, having a baby.”
As Collin saw it, the very fact of fretting over the commitment meant Todd was going to be fine, since he wanted to do his very best by his son. “Sure it is. Doesn’t mean you’re going to run when it gets tough.”
“I won’t. I’m determined to be there for him, no matter what, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t run in the past. Have to take a page from your book, now.”
The evening had taken an unexpected turn into humbling territory. Collin didn’t see himself as exceptionally strong, though he’d grant he never considered himself to be a weak-willed man, either. He’d absolutely never guessed at this admiration Todd had apparently been hiding.
“I don’t think it’ll be a problem,” he told his brother. “It’s all a matter of wanting something enough, and you want this baby.”
“I really do,” said Todd. “Sometimes I feel his little feet kicking and it’s love on a whole new level, like nothing I’ve ever known.”
“See? You’ll be great.”
Todd smiled. “The kid’s gonna be lucky to have you as an uncle.”
“I know.”
“And so modest,” said Todd while rolling his eyes. “You know, Matt’s also lucky that you’re not so easily scared off.”
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