“He’s a really good guy.”
“Good. I like to see you happy. I also like keeping my wife happy, so for God’s sake don’t bring a gag gift on Saturday.”
Collin had never been to a baby shower, but he’d already been warned in the strongest terms that gag gifts weren’t acceptable. Truth be told, he’d figured it out on his own. There were times and places for joke presents, and a baby shower didn’t seem like one of them.
“Mom already made me promise. I got respectable toys, don’t worry.” Not that he knew anything about toys for infants, but that was what gift registries were for.
“Good.” Todd drained the last of his drink. “Speaking of Mel, I’ve gotta go. I promised to be home by seven and I need to catch my train.”
Commuting. There was a real drawback to his brother’s suburban life. “Got it. I’ll see you Saturday.”
Todd slapped his shoulder. “I know you at least won’t bail on me. Mel is very serious about this being an inclusive, guys-too shower.”
“I see how it is. You buttered me up about not running when things get tough to make sure you’re not the only man at the baby shower.”
“That wasn’t my plan, but it’s a nice side effect.”
Collin mulled over his brother’s words while finishing his drink. His twin knew him better than anyone else, and vice versa. Therefore he knew Todd wasn’t the kind to give such high praise without meaning it, and damn, it felt good.
Also, he didn’t feel Matt was the only lucky one in their relationship. He was fortunate to have found such a terrific guy, so life was excellent.
Generally speaking, Collin had no use for heteronormative gender roles, but after attending his brother’s co-ed baby shower he decided to make an exception to the rule. It seemed like Mel’s friends who planned the whole shindig wanted to be progressive and include guys, but stopped short of making the event less stereotypically female-oriented. They could have at minimum put out more food. He was sure his dad would’ve been happy to man the grill.
On the plus side, the cake had been good, and he hadn't minded when each guest had to write down something naughty they did as a child, so Mel and Todd could read the results and try to match each crime to the culprit. Todd had gotten Collin’s, naturally, but on the whole that game had been mildly entertaining.
He wasn’t so sure about arts and crafts time, where everyone decorated onesies with fabric markers, but hey, if nothing else, Mel and Todd now had a whole assortment of onesies in various sizes, lovingly covered with artwork of highly varied quality. Collin hadn’t been able to resist making one which proclaimed, I have the world’s most awesome uncle!
Walking towards his building, he pulled out his phone to text Matt. Last he knew, his boyfriend had set aside time to help Levi type a chemistry report. Levi could type with one hand, but it took him ages because he was slow on a keyboard to begin with. Computing skills weren’t considered very important in the Aldridge family, which didn’t mesh particularly well with online school. Levi practically got panic attacks just thinking about attending a regular high school, though. Too much culture shock. So, for the time being, he was sticking with the online school and Matt was helping him type while he had the cast slowing him down.
Collin: Are you done with Levi’s report yet?
Matt: Almost. Give me another ten minutes.
Collin: I’ll be home if you want to come over.
Matt: Sounds good.
Twelve minutes later, there was a knock on Collin’s door. He found Matt on the other side and greeted his man with a kiss.
“How was the baby shower?” asked Matt.
“Not the best three hours of my life, but not the worst either, at least. The cake was good, and going made Mel, Todd, and Mom happy, so I put up with the inadequate food and fawning over baby clothes. Can’t say I’d recommend it, though. There have got to be ways to make these parties more fun. Either that or give in and embrace the heteronormative gender roles.”
Matt gave a fake gasp. “You? Conceding that stereotypical gender roles may have some use? That really was a bad party.”
“Stranger things have happened.” Maybe not super recently, though. “You guys get the report done? It took longer than you thought.”
“No, it didn’t. We got a late start because Levi had a rough morning. It’s his youngest brother’s birthday.”
“Oh,” said Collin, who as usual lacked anything more substantive to say. He rarely had this problem, but it showed up more often when the subject related to Matt and Levi’s experiences, because he simply couldn’t relate or even comprehend.
Matt plopped down on the couch and leaned on Collin’s shoulder. “Let me guess. You want to know how to make it better.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He liked helping people, and didn’t see anything wrong with the mindset.
“It’s not inherently bad. It’s also not possible. At some point, beyond being there for him and reassuring him that it really is fine to be gay, there’s nothing anyone else can do to ease Levi’s pain. His parents kicked him out and cut him off from everything and everyone he’s ever known, except me. There’s no quick fix for that level of betrayal, no matter how much we’d like one. It takes time. Therapy, too, but mostly time. Levi has a lot of grieving to do.”
“Like you did?” asked Collin.
“Yes. Honestly, I’m not even entirely done. Most of the time I’m fine, because I’ve gotten some distance to see how unhealthy my family dynamics were. It was all very individuality-crushing at home.”
“That sucks.”
“Yes, it did. My point, though, is that sometimes I still miss my younger siblings and nieces. Not my parents, though.”
Collin wasn’t a churchgoing man, but his parents had sent him and Todd to services with the grandparents for a time when he was a kid. The reasoning was that exposure would allow their sons to make personal choices from an informed perspective. Collin was never very interested and stopped going to church as soon as he’d met the minimum parental requirements for exposure. Todd had gone ahead and gotten confirmed, so he was officially Catholic, if not a very frequent Mass attendee.
From this admittedly less than exhaustive background, Collin remembered a whole lot of Jesus talking about the importance of love, and not a single red-letter verse suggesting it was a good idea to kick out and disown any gay children a person might have. Thus, he had a very hard time seeing how any such parent could consider themselves a good Christian. Must have something to do with that spiritual warfare business Matt had mentioned, used as a thin disguise for raging homophobia.
Anyway, all of this added up, in his opinion, to Matt and Levi both having truly horrible people as parents, so he asked, “Does it make it any easier to know your parents are really awful human beings?”
“Not particularly.”
“Damn.”
“It does get better,” Matt said. “There’s a lot to deal with, and he’s still afraid sometimes that he’s going to Hell.”
“I hate that homophobic shit.”
“So do I, but that kind of fear is tough to put behind you. Any fear, really, when it’s all you’ve known. I think I demonstrated that.”
“Hey.” He kissed Matt’s gorgeous curls. “You don’t have to keep beating yourself up over that.”
He’d seen that Matt really was serious about not reacting out of fear for the rest of his life, even if it was sometimes a struggle. Hell, even giving that striptease had required pushing through a lot more nerves and anxiety than Collin ever would have thought, but he’d done it, and Collin was really proud when he learned later just how much Matt had worried about it.
Matt said, “Beating oneself up for mistakes is another family pattern. I’m working on it. Another case of time and therapy being the best route, I’m afraid.”
“I’m proud of you, you know, for not giving in or giving up.”
Matt smiled and cuddled closer. “Thank you. I know what I wan
t for myself, and while the journey is longer than I’d like, and unfortunately includes setbacks, the vision of what I want is very strong motivation.”
He didn’t say, but Collin figured only the fear of failing Levi had been a stronger motivation, when he freaked out. It was understandable, more or less. Collin had taken it upon himself to read a couple of books written by people who’d been in similar situations to Matt, and found them a worthwhile investment in having a better idea of where his boyfriend was coming from.
So far, despite Matt not being necessarily the easiest boyfriend, Collin had no regrets about taking him back. No guy was perfect, after all, and Matt made him incredibly happy. Time would tell, but for the present, they were in a good place.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“How’s it going with Levi?” asked Alicia when Matt arrived ahead of their book club meeting.
“About as well as can be expected. There’s nothing easy about what he’s going through.”
“Right, but I meant for you.”
Matt sat down and made himself comfortable while taking out the week’s book. It gave him time to think of a better answer than the complete truth about how Levi’s arrival set off a new round of fear reactions, the kind he thought he’d put behind him, and in the process he nearly torpedoed his relationship with Collin. He really didn’t want to get into that. Nothing against Alicia, but Matt was a private person and he hadn’t known her long enough to get into the whole story, not least the part where it involved his sex life.
Besides, while he suspected this was a genuine inquiry as opposed to polite small talk, he was as usual not completely certain. Therefore he replied, “It’s an adjustment for me, too. I can’t just think about myself anymore, not to mention my place is small for two. Well, three, really, since Dex’s habitat and gym take up quite a bit of space.”
“Dex? The little dragon?”
He nodded and resisted the urge to correct her species identification.
“He has his own gym?” Alicia looked very confused.
“Bearded dragons love to climb, and Dex is no exception, so I made him a kind of jungle gym for when he’s free in the apartment.”
“Like how people make castles for their cats?”
“I’d never thought of it that way, but yes.”
“I’ll stick with my betta fish,” she said. “I don’t believe in putting them in tiny little bowls the way some people do. Just because it won’t kill them doesn’t mean they’re happy. Samwise likes his tank. Still, he doesn’t take up that much space.”
Matt had already liked Alicia. Hearing her talk about proper care for her pet made him appreciate her even more.
“Anyway, I know there’s probably not a whole lot I can do, but if you think of something, don’t be afraid to ask. I think it’s really great, what you’re doing for your cousin.”
“Never in question,” he said.
“That’s because you’re a genuinely good guy.”
Matt had no idea how to reply other than, “Thanks.”
“I’m not just saying it because that’s what people do, you know. I really would be willing and happy to help.”
He looked at her closely. “How did you know?”
“That you think people just offer to help because it’s expected? We dealt with it a lot when my grandmother’s health was failing. Some people really mean it, and others either think they have to make the offer, or maybe mean it only if the requested assistance isn’t too much trouble for them.”
He took a deep breath and decided to try deepening his friendship with Alicia through reciprocal sharing. “It’s hard. I’m having to learn how to think of ‘us’ instead of ‘me’ on two different fronts simultaneously.”
“For your cousin and your boyfriend? So Collin’s your first serious relationship, then.”
“Yes.”
“There’s a learning curve for sure, and I can’t even speak to the situation with your cousin.”
“We’ll manage,” he said. “We’re not alone.”
“Nope.” She reached over to give his hand a friendly squeeze. “You definitely aren’t.”
The moment was broken when they were joined by Jeff, Elspeth, and Lou. This was fine by Matt, who felt he’d opened up enough for one evening.
Lou asked, “Hey, does anyone mind if I invite Becky to join us?”
“Not at all,” said Jeff, while Elspeth shook her head, along with Matt and Alicia. For his part, Matt was trying to make friends, so he was happy enough to have a new book club member.
“Great,” said Lou. “I didn’t think anyone would object, but I wanted to ask.”
“Object to what?” asked Terry, munching on a donut as he sat, in defiance of the library’s prohibition on food.
“Inviting Becky to our group.”
Terry paused between bites. “Aw, man. Another happy couple?”
“Gee, thanks,” said Elspeth.
“Not that I begrudge anyone luck in love, but you guys are getting married soon, Matt gets all smiley talking about his boyfriend, now Lou with Becky… I’m starting to feel like everyone else is in a blissful relationship.”
He had no idea how close Matt had come to utterly destroying his own romance. It just went to show how very little people comprehended about the difficulties faced by others.
“What’s this about blissful relationships?” asked Evan, rushing in last as usual.
“Terry’s envious of everyone in them,” said Alicia. “Don’t worry, Terry, you’ve still got me and Evan for commiserating buddies.”
“For now,” said Evan. “I’m optimistic.”
Jeff looked at his watch, then cleared his throat. Time to start talking about the book, then. “So, what did everyone think?”
“I think if I ever read another book where a centaur gives birth, it’ll be too soon,” said Lou, cringing.
“I could’ve done without that scene,” agreed Matt.
Alicia shook her head. “It was vital to showing how sickly Ketmar was and why his mother was overprotective.”
Terry, not yet done with the topic of being surrounded by romance, had a different gripe. “Every damn character got a happily ever after in this book. It was a little much.”
“Oh, is that what got your panties in a bunch?” asked Lou.
To be fair, if Collin hadn’t given him a second chance, Matt would probably be sharing Terry’s complaint.
“Some of the love interests did come out of nowhere.”
“Thank you, Elspeth,” said Terry.
Jeff said, “We’ll try to refrain from making gooey eyes at each other all evening, but I make no promises.”
“You know what? Forget I ever said anything. Consider me glad for all of you blissfully happy couples.” Terry picked up his copy of the week’s reading and opened to a bookmark. “Now, are we going to talk about the sympathetic villain?”
Matt was immensely grateful to be part of a blissfully happy couple, and for his life generally.
“I can’t believe you’ve lived in Philly this long and never seen the Liberty Bell,” said Collin.
“I kept meaning to get around to it,” replied Matt.
The three of them were waiting in line to see the famed bell. Levi had an assignment requiring him to visit a site or object with historical significance, and then write an essay tying what he saw to his own life. It was a far cry from the history lessons they’d received when homeschooled, which always ended up circling back to the Bible in some fashion or another.
Matt was there in his capacity as Levi’s note taker, though that was originally just an excuse to finally get around to seeing the bell himself. Collin tagged along because he wanted to introduce them to a great ice cream place nearby.
Levi pointed with his left hand, a finger extending out beyond the cast. “Will you take a picture of that, please?”
He could take pictures himself with his right hand, but they tended to be blurry and the whole point was to use the exhibit
text later as reference, so Matt ended up taking over that task and making himself useful after all.
“I’ve lost count of how many field trips I took to Independence Park when I was a kid,” said Collin. “Because of course third-graders just love traipsing around Independence Hall. Mostly we giggled about the dudes wearing wigs. Watching money made at the mint was more fun.”
“You’re allowed to see inside the mint?” asked Levi.
“Yeah, sure.” Collin peered at a vintage postcard. “No free samples, sadly.”
“I’ll have to go,” said Levi.
The line shuffled forward a few steps. It was nice that the Park Service had a whole exhibit to peruse while waiting to see the Liberty Bell, so the line wasn’t as boring an experience as it might otherwise have been. Plus, the information was useful for Levi’s essay.
Levi craned around, trying to get a glimpse of the bell and prompting Collin to say, “It’s not going anywhere.”
“I want to know how big it is.”
“Smaller than you’d think,” replied Collin.
“Funny how such a defective bell is now popular, as opposed to many others which were presumably sturdier.” Matt claimed no knowledge of 18th-century metalwork, but the text had been pretty clear on the structural weakness of this specimen. It was famous for its giant crack, after all.
At last they got to the front of the line, and Collin was right about the Liberty Bell’s size. Also, that really was a massive split.
Leviticus was not Matt’s favorite book of the Bible, considering how often it was quoted by homophobes. Nevertheless, he could still appreciate the celebratory intent of the verse on the bell: “Proclaim Liberty throughout all the Land unto all the Inhabitants thereof.”
He understood, too, why Levi had chosen this site for his assignment. It was easy to make the link between liberty and being able to live freely as a gay man.
“See,” said Levi after a minute of looking, “this is what it’s about. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, you know?”
“Yes,” agreed Matt. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Pursuing Happiness Page 17