Beyond Reason

by Roger Fisher

  Obviously, powerful feelings can be stimulated by hunger, thirst, lack of sleep, or physical pain. The core concerns, however, focus on your relationship with others. As Table 3 illustrates, each core concern involves how you see yourself in relation to others or how they see themselves in relation to you.

  These five core concerns are not completely distinct from one another. They blend, mix, and merge. But each has its own special contribution in stimulating emotions. Together, these concerns more fully describe the emotional content of a negotiation than could any single core concern. The core concerns are analogous to the instruments participating in Mozart’s Quintet for Piano and Winds. No sharp edges divide the contribution of the piano, oboe, clarinet, bassoon, or horn. But together, the five instruments more fully capture the tone and rhythm of the music than could any individual instrument.

  We want each of the core concerns to be met not excessively nor minimally, but to an appropriate extent. Three standards can be used to measure if our concerns are treated appropriately. Do we feel that others are treating our concerns in ways that are:

  • Fair? Fair treatment is consistent with custom, law, organizational practice, and community expectations. We feel treated as well as others who are in similar or comparable circumstances.

  • Honest? Honest treatment means that what we are being told is true. We may not be entitled to know everything, but we do not want to be deceived. When the other person honestly addresses our concerns, their intent is not to deceive or trick us. They communicate what they authentically experience or know.

  • Consistent with current circumstances? It is perhaps unreasonable to expect all of our concerns to be met in every circumstance. Norms change as we deal with everyday matters or a crisis. Appropriate treatment is often consistent with these changing norms.

  TABLE 3

  FIVE CORE CONCERNS

  Core Concerns The Concern Is Ignored When . . . The Concern Is Met When . . .

  Appreciation Your thoughts, feelings, or actions are devalued. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions are acknowledged as having merit.

  Affiliation You are treated as an adversary and kept at a distance. You are treated as a colleague.

  Autonomy Your freedom to make decisions is impinged upon. Others respect your freedom to decide important matters.

  Status Your relative standing is treated as inferior to that of others. Your standing where deserved is given full recognition.

  Role Your current role and its activities are not personally fulfilling. You so define your role and its activities that you find them fulfilling.

  The difference between having a core concern ignored or met can be as important as having your nose underwater or above it. If, for example, you are unappreciated or unaffiliated, you may feel as if you are drowning, alone, ignored, and unable to breathe. Your emotions respond, and you are prone to adversarial behavior. On the other hand, if you feel appreciated or affiliated, it is as if you are swimming with your head above water. You can breathe easily, look around, and are free to decide what to do and where to go. Your positive emotions are there with you, and, as a result, you are prone to cooperate, to think creatively, and to be trustworthy. (See Table 4 on page 19.)

  USE THE CORE CONCERNS AS A LENS AND AS A LEVER

  The power of the core concerns comes from the fact that they can be used as both a lens to understand the emotional experience of each party and as a lever to stimulate positive emotions in yourself and in others.

  As a Lens to See a Situation More Clearly and to Diagnose It

  The core concerns can be used as a lens to help you prepare, conduct, and review the emotional dimension of your negotiation.

  Preparing for your negotiation. You can use the core concerns as a checklist of sensitive areas to look for in yourself and in others. In what ways might others be sensitive to what you say or fail to say about their status? Will the senior negotiator on the other team feel that her autonomy is impinged upon if you revise the current proposal without first consulting her? Do you feel your sense of affiliation has been affronted when the rest of the team goes to lunch without inviting you?

  Conducting your negotiation. Awareness of the core concerns can help you see what might be motivating a person’s behavior. For example, you might realize that the other team’s leader feels unappreciated for the many weeks he spent building internal support for the agreement. With that awareness, you can tailor your actions to address his concern.

  Awareness of your core concerns can defuse much of the volatility of escalating emotions. If the other party says something that pushes your button, you want to prevent yourself from losing control of your own behavior. Rather than reacting to the perceived attack on you, take a deep breath and ask yourself which of your core concerns is being rattled. Is the other negotiator impinging upon your autonomy? Demeaning your status?

  TABLE 4

  THE RISK OF IGNORING CORE CONCERNS

  THE POWER OF MEETING CORE CONCERNS

  Reviewing your negotiation. In reviewing a meeting, you can use the core concerns to help you understand what happened emotionally. If the discussion was cut short because your colleague stormed out of the meeting, you might take a moment to run through the core concerns to try to figure out what may have triggered the other person’s anger. You can use this information to address the situation or to prevent its recurrence. If a meeting went surprisingly well, the core concerns can be used to understand what worked. You might develop your own list of best practices.

  As a Lever to Help Improve a Situation

  Whether or not you know what a person is currently feeling and why, each core concern can be used as a lever to stimulate positive emotions. This is often easier than identifying which of many negative emotions have been stimulated and then determining what to do. You can say or do things that address one of the areas of core concern, moving a negotiator up or down in status, affiliation, autonomy, appreciation, and role. Positive emotions result.

  You can also use the core concerns to shift your own emotions in a positive direction. Perhaps you can reduce the pressure of a big decision by reminding yourself that you have the autonomy to accept or reject an agreement with the other team. Or perhaps you can raise your status by sharing with others a relevant area of knowledge.

  A big reason to proactively meet the core concerns is to avoid the strong negative emotions that might be generated if those concerns are left unmet. (The joy people experience when they breathe is no match for the distress they experience when they are drowning.)

  SUMMARY

  The core concerns are human wants that are important to almost everyone in virtually every negotiation. Rather than trying to deal directly with scores of changing emotions affecting you and others, you can turn your attention to five core concerns: appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status, and role. You can use them as levers to stimulate positive emotions in yourself and in others. If you have time, you also can use them as a lens to understand which concern is unmet and to tailor your actions to address the unmet concern.

  The core concerns are simple enough to use immediately, and sophisticated enough to utilize in complex situations. A negotiation that involves multiple parties and high stakes requires an advanced understanding of the five core concerns.

  The following chapters consider in depth how to use the power of each core concern both as a lens to understand and as a lever to improve your negotiation.

  II

  Take the

  Initiative

  CHAPTER 3

  Express Appreciation

  Find Merit in What Others Think,

  Feel, or Do—and Show It

  Several years ago, Roger was in Tbilisi, working with South Ossetians and the government of Georgia (a fo
rmer Soviet republic). On his final day, he decided to shop. As he walked down the main street of the city, he saw a woodcarver under an arcade, hard at work carving a small tray. Some of his wares were displayed for sale. Roger stopped to watch. He remembers the interaction as follows:

  Of all the wares on display, I was most attracted to the tray on which the woodcarver was working. So I asked, “How much is the tray?”

  “It’s not finished yet,” he replied.

  “When will it be finished?” I asked, feeling a small wave of impatience.

  “In a couple of days. Then you can buy it.”

  “I’d like to buy it now—even with the carving still not finished. What is the price if I buy it now unfinished?” (I was, of course, expecting a discounted price.)

  “It is not for sale now,” the woodcarver responded.

  His curt reply irritated me. I had expressed interest in his work, was willing to buy it unfinished, and he gave my offer not a moment’s consideration. He gave me barely a moment’s consideration. I felt an impulse to insult his work, to insult him, or just to walk away. But instead, I took a deep breath. I realized that I was feeling unappreciated. Disrespected. Put down.

  And then it dawned on me. The carver probably felt unappreciated, too. My behavior had perhaps been no better than his. I had expressed no appreciation of him or his views. He might well have felt emotions very much like my own.

  “If I were to sell the tray now,” said the carver, “the price would have to be higher.”

  “Why?” I asked, surprised.

  He turned to me, smiled, and said, “Selling the tray today would deprive me of the pleasure of finishing it.”

  Now I smiled. “I’m leaving Tbilisi in the morning. I admire the tray. I admire your work. And now, more than ever, I want the tray to remind me of the carver who takes such pride in his work and such satisfaction in doing it right.”

  He smiled again, but said nothing.

  “In view of my necessary trip,” I asked, “would you do a favor to a traveling stranger by letting me buy the tray today, unfinished, at the same price that it would be were you to finish it?”

  After a few moments of thinking, he accepted my offer.

  APPRECIATION: A CORE CONCERN AND AN ALL-PURPOSE ACTION

  As Roger and the woodcarver learned, feeling appreciated is an important concern. Its importance lies in its impact on the one who is appreciated. From corporate CEOs to kindergarten teachers, diplomats to construction workers, everyone wants to be appreciated.

  The results of appreciation are simple and direct. If unappreciated, we feel worse. If properly appreciated, we feel better. Our esteem gains in value, just as the stock market appreciates as it gains in value. We become more open to listening and more motivated to cooperate.

  Appreciation is not just a noun that labels a concern: It is also an action. To appreciate is a verb. Appreciation takes on an added value as both a core concern and a strategic action since honestly expressing appreciation is often the best way for one person to meet many of the core concerns of another. Thus, appreciate others can be taken as a shorthand, all-purpose guide for enlisting helpful emotions in those with whom you negotiate.

  If you and the other side appreciate one another, you are more likely to reach a wise agreement than if each side feels unappreciated. In fact, you benefit by helping the other side feel appreciated, whether or not they reciprocate. They will tend to feel more at ease and cooperative. And by appreciating them, you are more likely to foster their appreciation of you.

  OBSTACLES TO FEELING APPRECIATED

  In most negotiations, three major obstacles inhibit mutual feelings of appreciation. First, each of us may fail to understand the other side’s point of view. We argue our own perspective but do not learn theirs. As the other person talks, our mind focuses on ideas we want to communicate. With no real listening, no one feels understood.

  Second, if we disagree with what the other person is saying, we may criticize the merit in whatever they say or do. We assume that part of the job of a negotiator is to put down the other side. All too often, we listen for the weaknesses in what the other person is saying, not for the merit. Yet everyone sees the world through a unique lens, and we feel devalued when our version of the world is unrecognized or dismissed out of hand. If we spent weeks putting a proposal together and the other side merely criticizes it, we are likely to feel discouraged and angry.

  Third, each of us may fail to communicate any merit we see in the other side’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. When either of us hears the other person only criticizing our perspective, we assume our message and its merit were not heard. We end up arguing more forcefully or giving up.

  THREE ELEMENTS TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION

  Expressing appreciation thus takes more than a simple thank-you. Since we so often fail to appreciate, we need:

  • To understand each other’s point of view;

  • To find merit in what each of us thinks, feels, or does; and

  • To communicate our understanding through words and actions.

  Understand Their Point of View

  To appreciate another person, your first task is to understand how things look and feel from their point of view. Your main tools are your ability to listen and to ask good questions.

  Many people assume you cannot really understand how they see things unless you have heard it directly from them. While that is often true, you can anticipate quite a bit by imagining how you might feel in their shoes. But even if you do understand their point of view, they still may want to be heard. Be prepared to listen.

  During a negotiation, there are many active listening techniques you can use to improve your understanding of another. Two are worth noting here:

  Listen for the “music” as well as the words. The process of coming to understand is not limited to hearing specific words that someone utters. It is important for a listener to gather the ambience that surrounds them, to listen for the mood, character, atmosphere, and emotional tone that put the words into a context.

  Like listening to a song, it is not enough to get the words right. You want to listen for what is accompanying the words—the underlying melody. Just as the crash of a drum can turn a sentimental love song into an angst-ridden war cry, the emotional tone may confirm a negotiator’s words or refute them as when a person shouts, “I am not angry!”

  Listen for “meta-messages.” As you listen, you will notice that sometimes one message is buried inside another. Such inexplicit meta-messages occur all the time. At a dinner party, for example, a host may look at his watch and say, “I have been so enjoying myself that I did not realize how late it has become.” Most guests quickly catch the meta-message that the party is now over.

  Meta-messages often suggest whether a person feels supportive, ambivalent, or resistant to ideas being discussed. An easy way to detect meta-messages is to listen for which word is emphasized. Though the following four sentences are comprised of the same words, each sentence suggests a different meaning. Possible translations are in brackets.

  I like this proposal. [But others are resistant.]

  I like this proposal. [I enthusiastically support this idea.]

  I like this proposal. [I like this proposal better than others.]

  I like this proposal. [As a proposal; I am not making a commitment.]

  Do not ignore ambivalence or resistance. A person’s body language may express something quite different from what words communicate. By being aware of a mixed or meta-message, you can better appreciate another’s point of view.

  Find Merit in What the Other Person Thinks, Feels, or Does

  The second element of appreciation is to find merit. This means that we look for value in what the other person thinks, feels, or does. Just think about what happens around the house. Whether we are cleaning up the
kitchen, making the beds, cutting the grass, or remembering a special day, if such efforts go unnoticed or are never outwardly valued, we feel let down. Table 5 illustrates how we might find merit in—and express appreciation for—what another person thinks, feels, or has done.

  When views conflict, find merit in their reasoning. Even if you disagree with the other person’s stance on an issue, you can acknowledge their reasons for seeing the world as they do. They might be motivated by strong feelings, a passionate belief, or a persuasive argument.

  Consider the situation Roger experienced while representing the federal government in front of the U.S. Supreme Court. He stood to make his arguments against the petitioner. Stepping forward he said, “The petitioner has a strong case. In fact, I think it is stronger than the one made by counsel here this morning. If I had been arguing for the petitioner, I would have added the following point. . . . ”

  “Mr. Fisher!” Justice Frankfurter interrupted. “You are here for the government!”

  “Yes, Your Honor,” Roger said. “And I want the Court to understand that we have an answer not only to the arguments that petitioner has made but also to another good argument that I think petitioner could make. Either way, their case is not trivial or farfetched. We believe this Court was right to grant review and to consider this case on its merits as we in the government have. Despite the strength of their case, we have concluded that the law is against them for reasons that I will now present . . .”

  Roger believed that by honestly expressing his appreciation for the merits of his opponent’s case, he was a more effective advocate for the government than if he had squared off, contending that the petitioner’s arguments were absurd and should be dismissed out of hand. Having demonstrated a thorough understanding of the other side’s case—and directly answering it—his argument was likely to be more effective than if he simply avoided their contention and made an argument of his own. (The government won the case.)