Beyond Reason

by Roger Fisher

  Vent for the other side. If you are venting to yourself or to a close colleague, you want to be careful not to talk yourself into making the situation worse. One helpful activity is to vent as though you are the other side. What would they say? How would they describe the conflict? By venting as though you are the other side, you gain a better understanding of their perspective and consequently soothe some of your strong feelings.

  Write a letter to the person who triggered your anger—but don’t send it. Sometimes it is impractical or unappealing to enlist the assistance of a third party to help you deal with your strong emotions. On your own, you can do things to deal with your emotions. After the negotiation or during a break, it can be helpful to write a letter or e-mail to the person you feel has injured you. In writing such a letter, describe the impact of their behavior on you. Include a section on ways to keep the negotiation moving forward. Don’t send your letter, however. Don’t give it to the other person—at least not before taking a day or so to reflect with a clear head on whether such a letter will further your purposes in the negotiation. You might share the letter and the experience with a trusted colleague and get their thoughts on the matter.

  Purpose 2: To Educate Another About the Impact of Their Behavior on You

  A second purpose for expressing strong emotions is to let the other person know the emotional impact on you of their actions. The other negotiator may have said or done something that had a powerful impact on your emotions. He or she can come to a greater sense of appreciation of your emotional experience if you clearly communicate the impact on you of their behavior.

  For example, a young medical student was assigned a middle-aged physician as her supervisor. During hospital meetings, he routinely interrogated her on her knowledge of anatomy. When she gave incorrect answers, his fixed response was a sarcastic “Study more!” She felt singled out and humiliated by his comments. But instead of assuming his intentions were malevolent and venting at him, she set up a private meeting with him and calmly educated him about the impact of his comments on her:

  “I appreciate your taking the time to meet with me. What I want to say is not easy for me to express,” she said. “I feel embarrassed when I answer your questions incorrectly. I study hard and am starting to feel hopelessly unable to succeed in medicine. I have been considering dropping out of school.”

  His eyes widened with surprise at her comments. He confided in her that each year he chose one student who demonstrated superior academic skills. He pushed that student to excel. She was his chosen student for the year.

  For this student, it paid off to describe to her supervisor the impact on her of his behavior. But what should she do if he responded with hostility, looking her in the eyes and saying, “Quit school if you must. If this isn’t the right place for you, then move on.”

  She could respond by communicating the impact of that statement on her: “I feel lost at this school. It’s so big. And when you suggest that I move on, it doesn’t give me the guidance that I need right now.” The supervisor still may refuse to help her, but at least he now has a clearer understanding of the young medical student’s experience and emotional needs.

  Purpose 3: To Influence the Other Person

  A third purpose for expressing strong emotions is to influence the behavior of a person with whom you are negotiating. By expressing the intensity of your emotion, you demonstrate the importance of your interests.

  Here we would like to distinguish between two situations. In one, negotiators honestly reveal a genuine strong emotion (that they might otherwise not disclose). They reveal their sincere feelings so that another negotiator may be moved by those feelings.

  A quite different situation is one in which a negotiator feigns being emotionally upset in order to exert influence deceptively on another person. Rather than disclosing strong emotions that truly affect them, a negotiator here has become an actor and is falsely and deceptively pretending to be dominated by a strong negative emotion. This is being done, however, for the same purpose and with the same intent as the first case—to influence the behavior of another negotiator.

  As we consider consciously using emotions in order to influence another negotiator, the distinction between revealing a genuine emotion of unknown strength that currently exists and pretending to have a powerful and perhaps uncontrollable emotion may not be as clear cut as the previous two paragraphs suggest. Expressing a strong emotion is sometimes a strategic act intended to influence the behavior of another person. A parent’s anger—clearly expressed—can get a teenager to do chores that no amount of reasoned persuasion ever could. Your strong expression of anger may persuade others to act in ways that further your interests. To influence another negotiator to make a concession, might you storm out of a meeting? Rip up your notes? Raise your voice? And whatever you do, others may try to express strong emotions deceptively in order to influence you, perhaps to influence you to raise your offer on their house.

  Expressing strong emotions can also be a way to influence another’s image of you. A senior lawyer may perceive a new associate as weak, passive, and incapable of handling the tougher, prestigious clients. A young associate realizing the senior lawyer’s perception of him may make a point of passionately asserting his views during meetings.

  The truth about the state of one’s emotions is rarely crystal clear. Fuzziness about that truth encourages negotiators to bluff, to mislead, and to act deceptively. As we mentioned earlier in this book, trusting others is a matter of risk analysis. Every embezzler is someone who was trusted—mistakenly. Be careful. Do not overload trust. At the same time, negotiators fare better to the extent that they are trustworthy and trusted. When it comes to being deceptive and misleading, be aware of the costs and risks. It is often possible and usually more enjoyable to behave in ways of which you, your children, and others can be proud.

  Purpose 4: To Improve the Relationship

  A fourth purpose for expressing strong emotions is to preserve or build your relationship with the other. Many negotiators deal with one another again and again. As with marriage, a failure to deal with undercurrents of tension can lead to a decreased ability to work together effectively. Each negotiator sees the other through an increasingly negative lens. Emotional residue builds until neither wants to deal with the other.

  There are two key tactics to improve the relationship. First, explain your intentions for acting as you have. Too often, negotiators assume the worst possible explanation of another’s behavior. Clarifying your intentions can deal with that issue. For example, the other side might suspect that you wrote a first draft of an agreement to bias it in your direction. If untrue, you can simply say, “My intention for writing up the first draft of the proposal was to help us work efficiently together, since time is short. Please feel free to suggest modifications to this, since I am assuming that nothing suggested by either of us at this point is a commitment.”

  Second, if you have said or done something that caused the other to develop strong negative feelings, an apology can diffuse their anger. Saying “I’m sorry” is a low-cost way to alter the course of a relationship. A well-timed, sincere apology can repair a tremendous amount of damage in a relationship. Some of the key elements of an effective apology include: recognition of the emotional impact of the action on others, an expression of regret, and a commitment not to repeat the negative action. Saying, “I’m sorry that you feel hurt,” is not nearly as powerful as saying, “I’m sorry for my poor behavior and for the hurt it has caused you.”

  ADVICE FOR BURGER BROTHERS AND THE SUPER SOX

  Let’s now revisit the negotiation between Bill, the negotiator for Burger Brothers, and Sandra, co-owner of the Super Sox baseball team. If Bill and Sandra were able to rewind and redo their interaction, what advice might we give each of them to deal more effectively with their strong negative emotions?

  Advice for Bill, the Negotiator for Burger Brothers<
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  Bill is understandably in a difficult position. He needs to keep three sets of relationships in order:

  First, there is the relationship between Burger Brothers and the Super Sox. For these two companies to work well together, they need to feel a sense of affiliation and trust with each other.

  Second, there is the specific relationship between Bill and Sandra. Bill has worked well with Sandra in the past, yet he has difficult information to deliver to her.

  Third, there is the relationship between Bill and the CEO of Burger Brothers. Because Bill pushed the CEO of Burger Brothers to go forward with the collaboration with the Super Sox, Bill’s own credibility is at stake.

  Creating an emergency plan for strong emotions. Bill recognizes that he may experience strong emotions before, during, and after his meeting with Sandra. With three relationships on the line, he takes a minute to think about his emergency plan to soothe his own strong emotions. He decides that if he notices his emotions escalating, he will take three deep breaths—in through his nose and out through his mouth. If Sandra’s emotional temperature gets heated, he decides that he will first try to appreciate her perspective; and if that doesn’t do much good, he will suggest a short break “to figure out how we might keep things moving forward.”

  Diagnosing possible causes of strong emotions. Before the negotiation even begins, Bill diagnoses the core concerns Sandra is likely to feel once he raises Burger Brothers’ dissatisfaction with Super Sox’s advertising. He scratches down the core concerns on a piece of paper and jots down a few notes about how each might be sensitive:

  Affiliation: Sandra and I have a long-term colleagueship. She might feel I’m betraying that relationship.

  Autonomy: Sandra might feel aggravated that I’m telling her now about the advertising problems. There’s not much she can do now to fix the past. She may even think that I’m raising the issue to get greater concessions out of her in a future contract.

  Appreciation: She will probably feel that I don’t understand or value her perspective on the situation. I should make a point to ask questions about what she and the Super Sox have done for us.

  Status: Because she’s co-owner of the Super Sox team, she might feel demeaned in status if I question her organization’s effectiveness. She might feel belittled that we are considering ceasing work with the Super Sox.

  Role: Sandra enjoys playing the role of brainstormer, thinking creatively about advertising and marketing. This conversation may not go in that direction, at least not right away.

  Preparing his purpose for expressing strong emotions. Bill asks himself, “What is my purpose for expressing my anger at Sandra and the Super Sox team?”

  Is it to vent at Sandra? No. That would risk the potential benefits of a long-term relationship. It’s probably better for me to express my frustration to my wife, who can keep my emotions and self-justification in check.

  Is my purpose to educate Sandra about the impact of the Super Sox’s negligence on me personally and on Burger Brothers? Yes. Our future relations can benefit if Sandra understands the problems caused by the Super Sox’s lack of productivity. And if Sandra learns that the Burger Brothers’ CEO was angry with me, she may develop a better appreciation of my situation. I might describe the ways that the Super Sox apparently fell through on some of its commitment to advertise Burger Brothers. I might also let Sandra know, “I told my boss that you were the greatest to work with. He agreed to go through with things based upon my advocacy of you. I don’t like what has happened now. It has embarrassed me personally.”

  Is it my purpose to influence the Super Sox? Yes. I want to express my emotions with enough intensity that it is clear to Sandra that the situation needs to be addressed. The goal here would be for the Super Sox to improve the extent of their advertising, and perhaps to deal with any organizational issues that caused the problem in the first place.

  Is my purpose to improve the relationship? Yes. On both a professional and personal level, I respect Sandra. We worked well together in the past. If I am able to treat her with respect and to work with her on ways to improve our joint work, our relationship may improve. We will have dealt with serious differences in an amicable way.

  Cooling his emotional temperature. Ten minutes before he meets with Sandra, Bill notices his emotional temperature rising to the risky point. His hands are sweaty, and his thoughts are not focused. He is anxious. As planned, he slowly takes three deep breaths and feels more balanced.

  With this preparation, Bill is ready for the emotional roller coaster of his upcoming meeting. He knows what to do if his or Sandra’s emotions skyrocket. And he knows his purpose for expressing his strong emotions. This preparation will not only aid him in the meeting but will help him feel more confident.

  Advice for Sandra, Co-owner of the Super Sox

  The single most important piece of advice for Sandra is to prepare. She does not know that she is about to walk into a land mine. Good preparation can protect her from getting harmed—and perhaps allow her to walk out of the negotiation better off.

  As co-owner of the Super Sox, Sandra does not have much free time. But she realizes the high stakes involved in her upcoming negotiation with Bill, so she takes a half hour to prepare. She spends fifteen minutes thinking about the Seven Elements of Negotiation (see page 207) and applying them to the facts of this situation. She spends fifteen minutes preparing for emotions that may arise.

  Creating an emergency plan for strong emotions. Sandra has negotiated for years. She suspects that her upcoming negotiation with Bill will be easy; but she knows how quickly strong emotions can arise—and at the most unexpected moments. Given that, she decides that if her emotional temperature gets risky, she will pause, count backward from ten, and then think about how to respond to the situation. If Bill starts to get angry or upset, she plans to let any rude comments fly by her and hit the wall behind her.

  Sandra does not have time to diagnose which core concerns might be sensitive for Bill. But she does jot down the five core concerns on her notepad so she can refer to them if need be.

  Using the emergency plan. After a long morning meeting, Sandra heads to meet Bill. She is excited to talk with him about prospects for the future. As soon as he expresses his anger about the Super Sox’s performance, she feels a wave of surprise and embarrassment. Thoughts run through her head: “I’ve worked days and nights to make the Burger Brothers’ account a success! What is this nonsense Bill is saying!”

  She realizes she is starting to vent in her own head, and she wants to regain a balance between reason and emotion. Before responding to Bill, she pauses, counts backward from ten, and then thinks about how to respond. Her pause helps slow down the pace of the conversation. Bill waits anxiously to hear her reaction.

  Formulating a purpose. Sandra thinks quickly. She is tempted to insult Bill for daring to question the hard work of the Super Sox. But she stops herself, recognizing that her main purpose for expressing emotions is to maintain a relationship with Bill and with Burger Brothers. She realizes that Bill may be trying to use his strong emotions to influence the Super Sox to make future concessions. She needs a low-cost way to deal with Bill’s strong emotions while not making any substantive sacrifices on her end. She decides to appreciate Bill’s situation. It’s low cost, and she can learn a lot. She takes a deep breath, then says, “I feel surprised that we have not known about your dissatisfaction. And I want to understand your concerns as best as I can. I would appreciate it if you would describe for me some of the ways you feel that we have fallen short.” As she appreciates Bill’s perspective, she understands more about his motives, his fears, and his hopes. She learns that Burger Brothers still wants to cooperate. She learns that Bill still respects her. And she learns that there are still plenty of avenues for joint work.

  SUMMARY

  Strong emotions happen—and often when we least expect them.
To deal well with them, we need to be prepared. Preparation involves:

  • taking our emotional temperature

  • having an emergency plan:

  —to soothe strong negative emotions,

  —to diagnose the triggers of our emotions, and

  —to act with a clear purpose in mind.

  While many people assume that venting is a helpful way to get rid of strong negative emotions, it often leaves us and others angrier. As we create arguments demonstrating why we are right and others are wrong, we talk ourselves into a storm. Venting can be helpful, but only to the extent that there is someone to moderate self-justifications and to keep in mind each party’s perspective of the situation.

  CHAPTER 9

  On Being Prepared

  Prepare on Process, Substance,

  and Emotion

  One day, by chance, Roger found himself sitting next to one of his former students on a flight from New York to Boston. He couldn’t resist asking the lawyer what he remembered from the negotiation workshop years back. After thinking for a couple of minutes, the former student said he had learned and still remembered three important lessons:

  Prepare.

  Prepare.

  Prepare.

  He was a wise student. Too often we fail to maximize the benefits of our thoughts and our emotions because we fail to prepare.

  There are two basic reasons why even experienced negotiators are often ill prepared. First, they may have no structured way to prepare for their negotiation. They assume that preparation entails reading case files and discussing when to set the meeting and how much money to demand or offer. Getting to know a case file, however, does little to prepare a negotiator for how to establish an effective negotiation process, how to learn about each side’s interests, and how to deal with each side’s emotions.