Repression

by Nataya Douglas

  “You scared the mess out of me!” she said. Grinning from ear to ear as if she were a Cheshire cat, she embraced the tall figure. Repositioning his mask and sitting on the bed, he replied.

  “That’s what makes the evening even more fun. How’ve you been? As always, I’ve missed you.” Pulling out his specially marked invitation labeled “Master Bedroom”, he handed it to Lovette.

  “I assume you had made only one of these or are we expecting more guests?” he questioned. Walking over to close and lock the bedroom door, Lovette turned back towards him and straddled his lap.

  “We’ve waited long enough for this moment. Remember this?” Grabbing both sides of his face and kissing him so deep to prove how much she had missed him, Mike flipped her over on her back and removed his mask.

  Chapter 6: Invitation Only-Part II

  October 30, 1999

  Zipping up his pants, it had dawned on Mike to ask about their private session. It was hard for him to decide to even partake in such a bold event.

  “Love? Does Joseph know about this?” Mike was so caught up in the moment that he hadn’t cared to ask her beforehand. Loving her that much made him forget about most things when they were in the moment.

  “Would it have made a difference? Would you had denied me if I told you this wasn’t signed off by him?” replied Lovette with a worried look on her face. She had been used to having Mike wrapped around her finger and the sudden question concerned her. Had she started something that would jeopardize him ever wanting to come back? Tons of questions started to flood her mind. She couldn’t risk losing him again.

  Sitting down on the bed, Mike caught her concerned look. Picking her chin up and turning her head towards him, his tone softened.

  “Hey, I’m not going anywhere. I just want to make sure we go about everything the right way. I don’t want any bad blood between anyone. It’s been enough of that for a lifetime. Maybe we should head back down and join the rest of the party,” said Mike.

  His confirmation had lightened up her mood. Standing up to fix herself, Lovette smiled and kissed him as if she’d never get the chance again. As soon as he had exited the room, Lovette sat and waited it out for a while. They didn’t need to be seen leaving the room together.

  *******************************************************************************

  March 14, 1982

  “Are you sure your parents are gonna be gone the whole weekend?” whispered Lovette. Mike’s house was empty and she had no idea why she still felt the need to whisper. She had told her parents that she was staying the weekend with her best friend, Jade.

  Since Jade’s parents were into church heavy, Lovette’s parents just took her word and never questioned how legit her story was. And well, she would be spending the weekend with Jade. Just not this specific weekend.

  They had started dating just a little after going to the dance together. Spending time with him had made Lovette instantly fall for him. He wasn’t what she had made him out to be. There was a lot more to him other than just being handsome and popular.

  Mike’s parents’ house was nothing short of magnificent. The one story home didn’t have much color to it but it was clean and up to date. The paintings on the walls had to have been expensive or at least they looked to be.

  Mr. O’Conner had his own private medical practice and Mrs. O’Conner spent some of her days as his receptionist and other days she would assist at school events. She had been a consistent member of the PTA at Bright-field Heights and pretty much everyone knew who she was.

  “Yea, so stop worrying. We’re fine. It’s their anniversary weekend, so they’ll be busy enjoying themselves,” said Mike. He continued to show her around the house while Lovette was in awe. He was an only child so there wasn’t much for him to show her. Ending up at his bedroom, he opened the door and Lovette busted out laughing. With a confused look on his face, she began to explain herself.

  “Your room is very nice but the teddy bear sitting over there kind of threw me off.” Sitting in a chair in the corner was his childhood stuffed animal, Bozi. Bozi had been given to him by his grandmother.

  When Mike was 11 years old, his grandmother had been killed by a drunk driver. One morning, she was checking her mailbox and the driver swerved and pinned her against the house.

  Mike had spent the summer with her and had been in the window watching the whole thing. The driver fled but was picked up within an hour. He hadn’t been the registered owner of the vehicle and Mike was able to identify him when questioned by the police. Bozi was one of the few things he had left to remind him of her.

  “Sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to laugh. It sounds like y’all were very close. She must’ve been a really awesome grandmother.” Lovette had felt bad for laughing. He shrugged it off and told her it was okay. She had also felt a sense of trust from him. Up until now, he hadn’t told her too much about himself.

  Quickly changing the dark mood, Lovette turned on his stereo. Jumping on him as he sat on the bed and straddling his lap, she held both sides of his face in her palms. For a while, they both just stared at one another without saying a word. She had felt his body temperature rise and it made her even more excited.

  This had been the moment she knew. Before he could say it, she beat him to it. “I love you.” Repeating how the feeling was mutual, he flipped her on her back.

  “Wait. Do you have a condom?” said Lovette in between taking deep breaths.

  “No, but I want you bad. You said you were a virgin and I’m clean. My dad is a doctor, ya know? I’ll pull out in time.” Flashing his smile that she couldn’t resist and kissing her even more, Lovette gave in to him.

  Instantly, she felt like she could be in his arms forever. Mike would be her forever and to know he felt the same made things only that much better.

  *******************************************************************************

  Getting herself together, Lovette went and joined the rest of the party. She knew her disappearing act would be noticeable. Taking the moment to stop at the stairwell vanity, Lovette sat.

  The music and the laughter became heavy in the background. She had done this. She had made people happy. Gathering them together to fulfill something that hadn’t dare to do on their own. Before she could turn to leave, Joseph had appeared beside her in the reflection.

  “Why didn’t we go into the same room this time? We’ve always gone in the same room. Were you with him?” whispered Joseph. He wasn’t angry with her but he had known the answers to his questions before she had even responded. After all she had gone through, he could never fully be mad at her.

  “How was the room this time? Did they exceed your expectations? I was skeptical about the red head. For a moment, I thought she was going to back out and go home. I saw her eyes widen when the door opened.” With that being said, Lovette laughed and turned towards her husband.

  “Let’s go back to the party.” Straightening his collar and kissing him on the cheek, Lovette took his hand and rejoined the guests. She hadn’t answered any of his questions and hadn’t planned on doing so.

  As soon as they entered the foyer, the red head walked up to them. “Mr. Marks, your cuff links. You left them in the room.” Joseph’s face turned bright red. Lovette instantly knew that her husband had enjoyed carrot top. She had specifically picked her out for him.

  “Thank you,” replied Joseph while avoiding contact.

  “I knew you liked MY red hair but eventually, I had a hunch of your infatuation. You’re welcome,” whispered Lovette.

  The help had cleaned the room and switched the numbers. The same as before, Lovette announced for numbers 11-20 to enter the room and so on throughout the night. Every time the group came out of the room, the satisfaction on their faces had let her know that this night was a success. Mike had disappeared throughout the night but Lovette knew where she could find him.

  Walking down the stepping-stones towards the lake, she saw his figure sit
ting near the edge on the wooden bench. Mike had become even more handsome since the last time she saw him. The older he got, the better he looked. He knew to dress in all black but somehow, he had picked out the perfect color tie: gold. Handing him a glass of scotch, Lovette sat next to him and sat quiet for a while.

  “Why are you still with him?” said Mike breaking the silence. He was full of surprises tonight. He had never asked Lovette this question. There was an understanding and Mike knew this from the beginning.

  Slightly shocked by his question, Lovette took a big gulp of her drink before speaking. “You know I can’t. The kids. The money. Believe it or not, I actually have love for him, too. You’re still with Monica but questioning me…”

  “You’ve always been the one. You know I love your kids as if they were my own. You don’t love Joseph the way you love me. I asked you why you were still with him and not once did you mention being IN love.” Lovette could feel the tension thickening quick and she knew deep down, he was right. She couldn’t and wouldn’t argue it.

  “Mike, I’m sorry. Had I known it would’ve come to this…”Lovette stammered. She knew she had just hurt him and didn’t know what else to say.

  “What?! You would’ve never had a private room with me? Or you never would’ve started this? You talk about your children but did you forget about our own child?!” said Mike. His voice was agitated and was just above a level of a whisper.

  Instantly, he had regretted his words. He knew the damage he had just caused and he couldn’t take it back. The horrified look on Lovette’s face made his throat tighten and become dry.

  “Love, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

  Before he could finish, she got up and walked back towards the house. Without turning around, she forced out her demand.

  “Go home, Mike.”

  Watching her frame become smaller and smaller, she disappeared into the back of the house. Mike felt like he had completely lost her. He couldn’t control his emotions at the moment and this might’ve been the last time he would see her. Obeying her command, Mike headed to his parent’s house.

  Chapter 7: Mary

  February 26, 2001

  “How was school today, Mary?”

  She always started the session off like this. She didn’t care how school was. Nobody ever cared how things were going for me. They had decided something was wrong with me and that was it.

  “The same as every other day, Ms. Carle. Boring.” I wasn’t here by choice. Papa had finally convinced mama that I had needed to “talk to somebody” about the issues they say I have. They say I’m confused and won’t listen. The thing is, neither one of them had bothered to ever listen to me. They do way too much talking but none of any listening.

  “Something must’ve happened. You had to have learned something today. Did you make any new friends?” said Ms. Carle. She had been sitting in a tan leather chair across from me. Today’s choice of shoes had been red with a pointy toe.

  The only thing I had looked forward to during these meetings were seeing her shoes. She had never worn the same pair twice yet. Must be making a lot of money to afford these shoes with no husband.

  “Where do you get your shoes from?” I needed to know. One day soon, I’d be wearing stuff like her. She had on a black pair of pants with a black and white polka dot shirt. Her hair was up in a bun and she had the prettiest dark skin I had ever seen. She had always smelled like roses and the funny thing was, she had always written down her notes with a black pen that had a rose at the end of it.

  “These were a gift. Now, back to you. Can you tell me one thing that you’ve learned in school today?” Letting out a sigh, I figured she would keep on until I gave her an answer. Out of all the sessions we’ve had, she could’ve thought of some better questions to ask me. This was getting old really quick. With a grin on my face and crossing my arms, I knew exactly what I had learned today.

  “I learned that my math teacher Mr. Sumner was having an affair with Mr. Jackson. It’s going around the whole school. Hmph. Two men. Go figure.” The look on her face did enough to make me cackle.

  “Now, Mary. You know you shouldn’t go around spreading rumors like that. Even if it’s true, you shouldn’t spread things like that around. What they do is their business.” Writing down my behavior for today in her notebook, she made eye contact again. I’ve disgusted her. Mission accomplished.

  “Okay, sorry. Please don’t tell my parents that. I was only joking.” But I wasn’t. Mr. Sumner and Mr. Jackson had gotten caught in bed together. Mr. Sumner’s wife came home early from work one day and had walked in on them together.

  The whole school found out because an eighth grader, Joshua Tatum, lives right next door and saw Mrs. Sumner running out of the house behind Mr. Jackson with a knife. I saw her coming into the building I’m in last week. I guess she’s started her own sessions. Seems to me that Mr. Sumner should be the one in here. He’s the one who’s confused since can’t choose between a man and a woman.

  “Forget it even happened. How are things going at home?” I knew this question was next. Getting up from the couch, I decided to walk towards the curtains. Every foot tap against the hardwood floor sounded as if the whole world could hear my movements.

  The sun felt good coming through the windows. It had been a while since I had played outside. The ducks had stopped coming by every day and they started to get boring anyway.

  Joyce never had to come to these sessions. Just me. It wasn’t fair that she got to stay home and she had always been with me through most things. I really didn’t deserve to be here. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.

  “Why isn’t Joyce here with me? Why do I constantly have to come alone?” Ms. Carle heard my questions but just stared at me. This was the same stare people would give me when I mentioned my sister and I had become sick of it.

  “Are you going to answer me or are we going to play the staring game now?”

  “Have you asked your parents why she isn’t here?” she replied. This was her game. She had been good at answering my questions with a question when she didn’t want to answer them. My parents paid someone to ask me questions when they could ask me them for free.

  “Can we just take a break? I have to use the bathroom.” I had needed to get away from her for a while. The bathroom was the only place she’d let me go alone.

  She nodded for me to go. I hadn’t used the bathroom since school let out, so I really did need to go. Plus, the orange scented hand soap smelled so good.

  Flushing the toilet and pressing the soap pump, the mirror calls me and…the sweating begins. Trying to turn away, the hold is stronger than it has ever been. A loud knock on the door forces me to blink and the right side of my head begins to throb.

  “I’ll be out in just a minute!” As soon as I opened the door, a short plump woman is standing there with her arms crossed. Her eyes were crossed harder than her arms and I just knew she had to be seeing two of me. I instantly giggle.

  Looking annoyed that I had laughed at her, she moved around and went into the bathroom slamming it shut. Maybe she’ll see two toilets and pee in the wrong one!

  Walking back down the hall, I hear Ms. Carle on the telephone talking to someone in a hushed tone. Standing stiffer than Joey’s dirty socks outside of her door, I put those listening skills that she nags about to use.

  “She asked about Joyce. We talked about this last week. It’s been way too long for this. One time wasn’t enough, Mrs. Marks. Mary is a special case. No, it isn’t for me to tell her. You two are her parents and there’s no better people to hear that from. Hiding the truth from her will only delay her progress.”

  “She needs to know what reality is and isn’t. The only way I will agree to initiate that topic is if it’s in a family session. She doesn’t need to hear that kind of information for the ‘first time’ without a family filled environment. If you still want to pick her up early, I’ll let her know.”

  Tell me what
about Joyce? It must be the reason why she gets to stay home while they drag me to this place twice a week. Whatever the reason for her not having to come, I’d just have to play her same game so they would stop making me come. As soon as Ms. Carle hung up the phone, I walked back in her office and sat back on the ugly pea green couch.

  “Aren’t you going to ask me if I heard your phone conversation?” I ask. Giving her the side eye, I’m sure she already knows I had heard exactly what she had said.

  “Well, did you hear my telephone call?” She was nervous. I knew it was her job to show no emotion but I could feel it. Last month, I had heard one of the other ladies that work here crying and Ms. Carle walked over to her office. I heard her telling her that their clients weren’t supposed to see them get emotional. Deciding to make her sweat it out a little more, I reply “no” and smile.

  “Okay, well, your parents will pick you up a little early today, so the three of you can talk. We’ll meet again on Thursday. In the meantime, make sure you’re writing in your journal whenever you feel like it. Especially the moments when you feel really happy or maybe even really sad,” said Ms. Carle.

  Feelings. Everyone had always wanted me to write down my feelings. No matter what I had written down in the notebook, I still had to come to this place. I asked mama when I could stop coming and she told me “when you’re better.” I’m not sick and I’m not broken. I’m as best as I can be.

  Ms. Carle kept going on and on up until there was a knock at her door. Cracking the door and peeping in, it was mama.

  “Hey. I hope I didn’t interrupt. Mary, you ready?” Mama looked like she had been crying. Her eyes were red and she kept sniffling. Before I could ask what was wrong, she continued, “Go on and head downstairs. Your papa is in the car waiting.”

  Almost tripping over my feet, I couldn’t have run out of the office fast enough. Papa said he was going to take me to get some new shoes today since I had been doing okay in therapy these past two weeks. I hope Ms. Carle really doesn’t tell them what I said about Mr. Sumner. I had convinced him to get me and Joyce a pair of high top Converse sneakers.