“I agree. From now on, I’m going to listen to her more. The therapist told me that Mary feels as if we don’t really listen to her. While I don’t fully agree with this, I’m going to try to do more to let her know that we’re listening. I know how I can be sometimes and I just want her to heal as much as possible,” said Lovette.
Everything she had been saying had been true. She loved Mary and wanted her to fully understand what happened and how they can get through the healing process. Lovette knew that she wouldn’t completely get over the loss of her sister but the plan was to get her as much help as she needed.
Closing her eyes and imagining she was pregnant, Lovette felt at peace. All of the pieces to her puzzle are present inside of her.
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November 5, 1988
Yesterday, Lovette had avoided going to the market to pick up a pregnancy test. She hadn’t worked up the nerve to go find out the truth. She wasn’t ready to know if she would be bringing another life into the world this soon.
Instead, she decided to hang out with Caron for the day and maybe it would distract her. Both of them had been standing in the kitchen and was catching one another up on the latest gossip.
“Girl, this is why you need to get out more. Being stuck up in this big ol’ house all the time. The only time anyone really sees you is when you have a party or something,” said Caron. Her daughter, Frankie, had been upstairs with Joey playing.
“You’re a wife and a mother, too. I don’t see how you have so much time to do anything else. I get out sometimes. I love throwing parties. My friends can come to me. Plus, I love being in this big ol’ house,” replied Lovette.
“Yea, yea, yea. Anyway, we’re going out sometime in the next few weeks. I don’t want to hear any excuses either. I know you can’t turn down a shopping date. Seems like that’s all I can do to get you to leave this place,” joked Caron.
Both of them laughed but it had been some truth to what she was saying. Lovette knew she needed to get out more but the underlining problem of her parent’s death had her tied to home base. She had been scared to go out too often.
Although Lovette had convinced herself to keep the pregnancy topic to herself for now, she had been dying on the inside to tell someone. She had called her sister this morning but decided against telling Iris. Iris was her favorite person in the world but she had her own life and was doing so amazing in college. Lovette didn’t want to distract her. Instead, she asked her how school was going, talked about random things and hung up the phone letting Iris think it had just been a check in call.
“Caron, I need to tell you something,” said Lovette. She had been staring out of the kitchen window and was drinking a glass of ice cold water.
“You’re pregnant,” said Caron. Throwing back the rest of her wine, she grinned. She knew Lovette like the back of her hand and had been waiting on her to confirm the truth. Lovette spit out her water and it hit the kitchen window. Swiveling around as if she were on fire, she stared back at Caron who had now been laughing.
“How do you know I was about to say something like that? What are you? A witch, woman?!” said Lovette. This only made Caron laugh even harder.
“Girl. Do you really think you can hand me a glass of wine and pour yourself water? Since when do you drink water whenever we hang out? I was just waiting on you to spill the beans. Plus, you look pale. Have you told Joseph yet?”
“No. Actually, I don’t know if I’m pregnant yet. I’ve been feeling like crap these last few days but I figured it came from the bug Joseph and Joey both had. Dr. Oar came over and I didn’t have a fever and I haven’t been letting it out from both ends like they did. Just vomiting. I wanted to go buy a test but I chickened out,” replied Lovette.
“And you want me to go get you one, huh?” asked Caron. She knew whatever Lovette needed from her, it would happen. They had been friends ever since Will and Joseph introduced them to one another and their friendship couldn’t have been any tighter.
“You know I got you,” she continued. Pulling her purse off of the kitchen counter, she smiled, hugged Lovette and kissed her on the cheek.
“I can see the worry all over your face. Relax. Everything will be okay. I’m going to go get the test right now and we’re going to sort stuff out right now. Drink some more water and be ready to pee when I get back,” said Caron.
Caron had always come through for Lovette. She was scared to be seen buying a pregnancy test before talking to Joseph about what was going on.
Joseph. He fussed over her when she was pregnant with Joey and even the mention of a possible baby would instantly make her sit down and elevate her feet. Lovette appreciated the concern but as of now, there was nothing for him to fuss over. She didn’t know if she was ready for this right now.
Where was Caron? Did she run into someone? What if they thought the test was for her? Lovette began to get impatient and her thoughts ran wild. Pacing back and forth in her kitchen, she could hear the kids upstairs playing. Frankie and Joey had a brother and sister bond that was the sweetest thing ever. But, Lovette didn’t know if she was ready for him to have an actual brother or sister yet.
The store was right up the street from them. What had been taking her so long? Lovette had been tapping her foot and was now nervous more than ever. Looking at the time on the wall, only 20 minutes had passed. Maybe the line was long or maybe, Caron had a hard time deciding which brand to buy. Yea, that was it.
Finally, Lovette heard the screen door slam shut. Walking into the foyer, it was Joseph. She felt the blood drain from her face.
“What are you doing home so early?” she questioned. He had already started to undo his tie and could tell he had a lot on his mind.
“I don’t feel too good. Is that Joey and Frankie upstairs? I’m going to shower and get in bed,” he replied. Giving her a kiss on the cheek. Wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a hug, he hugged her waist.
“Yea. I’ll try to keep them quiet. Caron ran to the store to get more wine. Girl’s day. I’ll bring you up some soup and tea,” said Lovette.
As soon as she heard their bedroom door shut, Caron had pulled up in their driveway. Lovette felt as if she could breathe again.
“Looks like Joe is home. Good thing I brought another bottle of wine AND the test. Just in case the results are negative,” said Caron while laughing.
Lovette playfully snatched the test and went into the downstairs bathroom. Her bladder had been itching to release its contents. Lovette peed on the stick, laid it down on top of a napkin and cleaned herself up. Refusing to look at it, she joined Caron in the kitchen and handed it to her.
“Too chicken to look at it, huh?” she joked. Lovette managed a smile but deep down inside, she wasn’t really in the playing mood. It had only been a day since she saw Dr. Oar but she had prayed for her period who still refused to make its entrance.
For some strange reason, her parents came to her mind. Lovette tried her best not to think of them because when she did, it was mainly about their deaths. Joseph had told her to try and focus on the good moments and not the horrible one. This method would work at first but then, it would always end with how they died. Either way, she would end up dwelling just like she had started to now.
“You hear me?” said Caron. Lovette had guided off with thoughts of her parents and hadn’t heard one word her friend had said to her. Shaking her head, Caron repeated herself.
“Your oven is empty, mama. You can breathe now,” said Caron. Lovette felt her knees go weak and needed the countertop for support. Her nerves were at ease. Before she realized it, she had tears coming down her face.
“Whoa, now! What’s going on? Are these sad tears? Happy tears? Say something before I drink this wine bottle by myself,” said Caron.
“No, no. I’m okay. I was just scared. Another baby wasn’t planned right now. I want more kids, eventually, but I wanted the next go round t
o be planned. A bit of relief, ya know?” said Lovette. Caron nodded her head and hugged her friend. Whatever made Lovette happy, it made her happy and vice versa. Caron had been the big sister that Lovette wished she had.
Relief. Lovette had her relief and could now go see her OBGYN about what else could be going on. She knew it was probably stress and her doctor would tell her to take it easy but she would confirm so that Joseph could be at ease as well.
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“What is your favorite memory of Joyce?” asked Lovette. She rubbed her feet together and felt the warmth of the blanket. They had just bought a new one a couple of weeks ago and she had fallen in love with how good it felt.
“The beach. Remember the first time we went? The girls were about to turn 3. Mary was so bold. She ran towards the water and didn’t even know how to swim. We both started to run after her but I stopped to turn around because Joyce was tugging at my shorts. She was scared. The shells on the beach had scared her for some reason.”
“You went after Mary while I tended to Joyce. I picked up a shell and showed her that they were nothing to be afraid of. The whole trip, she was timid of everything but once I showed her that that she didn’t have to be afraid, she let her guard down. That made me feel like I was her person. She trusted me and she trusted my judgement,” said Joseph.
She felt his sadness. This wasn’t her intent. Lovette had wanted to strike up the conversation with good intentions but she had done the exact opposite.
“I didn’t mean to make you sad. I just wanted to talk about her. I know it seems like I avoid these feelings but I’m just trying my best to show you that I still think of her and I’m getting through this as well,” said Lovette.
Joseph knew she meant well. The guilt he carried still lingered around from time to time. There was no telling if the feeling would ever die down and he had tried his best to live with the feeling.
“I know, baby. I know. But, it is my best memory of her. She relied on me and even though I love them equally, I love them differently. Mary is so fierce, independent and ready to tackle things, like you. Joyce was a daddy’s girl and I felt as if she needed me.”
This had been the truth. Mary had Lovette’s exact personality and Joyce had been the opposite. She understood his pain and wanted nothing more for him to rid the feeling of guilt. Nothing had been his fault and he had always been a good father.
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November 15, 1988
“8 WEEKS! HOW IN THE…?! What in the…?! But…” shouted Lovette. The doctor had been removing her white gloves, tossed them in the trash and was now washing her hands in the sink as if her shock hadn’t mattered at all.
“I’m assuming this wasn’t planned. Based off the time you had your last menstrual cycle and the ultrasound, 8 weeks sounds accurate. Would you like to talk about your options?” said Dr. Jenkins.
The irony. Options. Nobody wanted to discuss options when she had found out she was pregnant with Joey but now, options were available. Instantly, she felt bad for thinking these thoughts. Her mother, Trudy, had a lot to do with Lovette becoming a wife and mother. Even though things were hard at first and not what she thought she had wanted, Lovette was grateful that her mother had been right all along. Well, somewhat right.
“I mean…I took the at home test and it said negative. I don’t understand,” replied Lovette. She had been expecting the doctor to tell her to reduce her stress, eat healthier, exercise, or something else but she hadn’t expected to be pregnant.
“Believe it or not, this is very common. You’re early in the pregnancy and sometimes, some test don’t detect the pregnancy right away because of the hormone levels. I gave you one today and the test lit up with a positive result almost immediately.”
Lovette had still been in disbelief. More children were part of the plan but not at the moment. Remembering the time she had thrown herself down the stairs trying to terminate her own pregnancy, a feeling of guilt washed over her. Joey had been her entire life and there was no way she would try to do something like that again. Saying nothing else to the doctor, Lovette gathered her things and headed to the car.
She wasn’t ready to drive home. She wasn’t ready to tell Joseph the news. Even though another baby wasn’t what they had planned at the moment, she knew that there was no other option than to suck it up and go through with it. After what she did, there was no way she would try to block another one of God’s blessings. Everything would be okay.
Forcing herself to think on the brighter side, Lovette pictured how much happier Joey would be. He had been lonely at times and the thought of a little brother running after him had made her smile. They had enough money and a huge house to fill. She had Caron as a supportive friend and most importantly, she had Joseph.
Starting up her car and backing out of the parking lot, her nerves had calmed and the knot in her stomach had released. Lovette had felt better about being with child and she knew that Joseph would be supportive as he always had.
8 weeks. Rubbing her belly with one hand while steering the car with the other, Lovette slammed the brakes. 8 weeks ago was around her anniversary.
Mike. She had placed herself in almost the exact same position as before. Only this time, she didn’t know who the father of her child was. Horns blared from behind her and she gassed the car while crying all the way home.
Chapter 20: Mary
January 11, 2002
“Tell me the truth because I’m sick and tired of being confused. I just want the truth, Joyce.” We were sitting on the front porch and she was brushing my hair up into a bun. I was going on my first “date” tonight and Joyce insisted I wear my hair up with a pair of gold hoops mama had bought me.
His name is Eric. I’m not sure if I like him but he seems nice and he’s cute. The only reason mama and papa agreed to let me go was because Ms. Carle suggested I get out and “do things that pre-teenagers do.”
Eric had just moved next door with his uncle, Bill. His father wasn’t able to take care of him anymore because of his health. His mother was never around, so it had been just them two. At least this is what he told me.
“What outfit are you going to wear? You put two on your bed and still haven’t picked one. Your date starts in 45 minutes and you don’t even know what you’re going to wear. Better stop acting up or you’re gonna see Eric with another pretty girl on his arm,” said Joyce.
This is what she did. Whenever I wanted the truth, she ignored me and talked about something else. Jerking my hair from her hands, the brush dropped and clashed on the porch.
“Answer me. I’m done playing with you. I’m sick of everyone telling me one thing and then you won’t even tell me anything at all. I swear if you don’t tell me right now…” This was it. The last time I would let her try to weasel out this. Staring her in the eyes, she knew I was serious.
“Okay but if I tell you, you can’t tell anyone I said this. Not mama, not papa, not Joey, and not Eric. No one,” said Joyce. If the look on her voice wasn’t creepy enough, her voice sure was. Nodding my head, crossing my heart and adding “hope to die”, she knew that the secret was locked between us.
“I can’t leave until everything is done. He told me that there is something missing and we need to finish it. I’ll return back to Him when this is done but you have to help me get back there so I can stay. You’ll know when it’s time to tell and when you do, only tell mama. Take papa’s keys and go to the shed,” whispered Joyce.
The shed. We hadn’t been there in years. The thing had to have fallen to the ground by now. Joey used to hang out there when he was in his “bad boy” phase. It’s been a while since I had even thought about the old thing.
“Who is ‘He’ and what do you mean ‘help you get back there’? Get back where?” I asked. She sounded crazier than people telling me that I really couldn’t see my sis
ter and it was all in my head.
“Don’t worry about all of that. Just focus on what needs to be done. We have work to do,” said Joyce. She was looking over her shoulder as if someone was about to come out of the front door.
And, someone did. Papa. Placing her finger over her mouth and shaking her head, we stopped talking.
“I thought someone had a hot date tonight,” said papa with a big grin on his face. He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. I hated when he tried to be cool.
“You’re going on that date. Don’t let papa get suspicious. You can go to the shed tomorrow,” whispered Joyce.
“I was just, ummm…brushing my hair and trying to figure out which outfit I wanted to wear,” I said while picking up the brush.
“Well, you have about 20 more minutes before it’s time to head out. I’ll be taking y’all but Eric’s uncle, Bill will be picking you both up after the movie. Oh, and you should wear the blue outfit,” said papa.
I was definitely going to wear the red one. Papa had barely any sense of fashion and to wear an outfit he thought was the best choice, this meant I would have to go with the exact opposite. Mama would agree.
Getting up from the porch to get ready for my “hot date”, Joyce stayed glued to the bench. Papa smiled at me and sat down beside her.
Leaning back and resting his head up against the window, Joyce smiled at him and whispered, “I love you, papa.”
“I love you too, Mary,” said papa.
“I didn’t…” Joyce had put her finger over her mouth again for me to be quiet.
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“Look at the most beautiful girl in the house! No offense, honey, but she has you beat tonight!” shouted papa.
I told mama about papa choosing the blue outfit and she had agreed that the red choice was the smart decision. The red shirt sat off of my shoulders and was long sleeve. My skirt and stockings were black. The red flats on my feet sparkled and were so pretty. The bun Joyce had suggested made the outfit look even more amazing.
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