The tall men wearing all blue clothes are talking to mama and papa. They ask them to sit down. There’s more crying. Papa is holding mama while me and Joey stare at one another. Do they know that we are here? What is going on?
Mama says we have to wear black today. It’s time to say our final goodbyes. I get to wear the special gold hoop earrings and necklace. She won’t let me wear it every day because she think’s I’ll lose the jewelry. It’s pretty like me. I don’t lose pretty things.
There’s knocking at the door. Mama ignores it and papa goes to see who it is. He shouts that the person has the wrong house. He apologizes to them and says how he is about to attend a private family matter. He is going to show them how to get where they are going but it has to be quick. He tells mama that he will be back in 10 minutes.
Papa comes back and we are in the back of a long black car. When I asked mama if we could ride in our car, she told me to hush and ride. Joey is staring out of the window and won’t say anything.
The building is big. Like, really big. Mama is holding my hand and squeezes it really tight. She hands me a rose and then, she hands Joey a rose. Just one rose. A pretty red rose. Pulling it towards my nose, I sniff. They are so pretty but I wish they had smelled as nice as they looked. My head tilts back and I sneeze.
Mama takes a few steps and pulls my hand. My feet feel heavy and I don’t want to move. She tugs again and bends down whispering that we have to go. People are waiting.
“We have to go. Now,” she repeats.
The box is shining. The wood glows. Reminds me of the tree in the front yard. Papa says that the tree isn’t feeling well and should be cut down. It’s not healthy. It’s time for it to go. There’s a hole in the tree that has the same color as this. There are lines of gold. I put my finger on it and follow its path.
Mama tells me to say goodbye and put the rose inside. Joyce puts her head on my shoulder and sighs. I look inside and…she looks like Joyce. She looks as if she’s sleeping. Her face looks as if someone made her look sticky and put some plastic over it. She’s not smiling.
I remember. Papa stands at the microphone and says some words. There is a loud screech and he pulls the microphone down some. His deep voice whispers how much he misses her. He says that he wishes he could have done more and how he feels like things are his fault.
We’re back outside and people are still crying. Papa says it’s time to lay her to rest. This is where she will be for forever. Whenever we want to visit her, we will come here and talk to her. Mama hands me another rose. This time, the rose is white. Mama says that this one represents peace.
We’ve talked about what I should do when it was time to say goodbye. My thoughts are supposed to lead me. When it’s time, I drop the rose on top of the shiny box. I close my eyes and let my heart tell me what to do.
“Get in.”
Leaning over the box, I try to get in. There is someone pulling at my clothes and it presses against my neck. I can hardly breathe. I’m supposed to be with her. I’m supposed to go, too. Turning around and swinging fast, my hands hit hard things. I can’t stop swinging. I’m supposed to go with her!
“Mary! MARY! LISTEN TO MY VOICE!” she screams. My chest hurts but the sun feels good. I don’t want to open my eyes. The back of my head begins to throb again.
“Can you hear me? Are you okay?” says Ms. Carle. Turning to my side, she’s wearing the same ugly green shoes. Looking up at her face, she looks worried.
“I guess,” I say. Sitting all the way up and placing my feet on the floor, the clock’s bright red numbers are staring back at me.
“It’s 4 o’clock. Session over. Hopefully, I’ll see you again never time,” I said while attempting to stand up and leave.
“Whoa! Take it easy, missy. That was pretty intense. Do the thing I taught you,” she said. Breathing in and out, I close my eyes and count out loud.
“16…17…18…19…20. I’m done. I feel okay. Can I go now?” My head had started to hurt but had I told her this, she would make me lie back down. She would say that I needed more time to rest before I could leave.
“Yea, sure. Write down everything in your journal. Everything you saw and felt. We can talk about it during our next session. See you later this week. Be nice to your teachers, do your homework and don’t curse. Have a good rest of the day,” said Ms. Carle. She heard me curse one time and now she feels the need to remind me not to curse every other session.
Most of the time, mama or papa was waiting downstairs in the car. Today, it had been mama and she looked extremely happy. She looked as if she just stepped out of a magazine. She’s so beautiful.
“Get in! We’re going shopping!” Those had been my favorite words. Whenever we went shopping, she let me get just about whatever I wanted. Mama had a big weakness for cute shoes. Especially cute shoes for me that matched hers.
Rushing to get to the car, I tripped over one of my shoelaces. Bending down to tie it, I look up to a flat tire. She must not know.
“Mama, the tire is flat.”
Jumping out of the car as if it were on fire, she ran around towards me and let out a scream. Throwing her hands up in the air and fussing, she sat down on the curb beside me and called papa.
When he had finally got to us, mama had been crying as if it were the end of the world. I tried hugging her and letting her know that papa was on the way to fix it but she wouldn’t stop crying. It was just a tire.
“We’ll go shopping another day. I promise. Okay?” said mama in between sniffles. Nodding my head, she sat in the passenger seat while papa drove and didn’t say anything else.
I saw papa reach over and squeeze mama’s hand. She was still crying as if the tire was that big of a deal. Papa had fixed it and we were on the way home. Going shopping was fun and all but it wasn’t that serious. We could go tomorrow.
“It’s okay, babe. It’s going to be okay. Let’s just order Chinese food tonight and relax. Take you a bubble bath and I’ll handle everything else,” he said to mama.
“It’s just that…they were killed because of a stupid flat tire. What if that would’ve happened to me and Mary today, huh?” blurted out mama. If she could see the size of my eyeballs, she would’ve told me to put them back in my face.
“Who could’ve killed us? And, what are you talking about?!” I shouted. If anyone was about to kill us over a flat tire, I see why mama was crying as hard as she was. My hands began to sweat and before I could help it, I was crying right along with my mama.
“Whoa! Whoa! Relax! Nobody is going to kill anyone. We should’ve told you this story already but just relax,” said papa. Mama had stopped crying and was reaching in the backseat trying to get me to calm down. If people were out here killing people because they had a flat tire, well, they should’ve been told me this.
“Your grandparents, Trudy and Clarence, were taken from this earth because of a very bad person. They had a flat tire and he forced them into the car and did some very cruel things to them. You and mom are safe, okay? That isn’t going to happen to you because you both have me. Alright? That coward is in jail for the rest of his life and he can’t come anywhere near any of us. Everything is okay.”
Papa kept looking in the mirror in the backseat to see if I believed him. Wiping my face and nodding my head, I believe him.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, baby. Your father is right. Something bad did happen to my parents but it doesn’t mean it will happen to us. Sorry for scaring you like that. I just had a moment of being scared myself. Everything is okay. I promise,” said mama. I nodded my head at her, too. She smiled and turned back around.
“I’ll definitely take you up on the Chinese food and bubble bath,” said mama. She had returned back to her usual self and was now happy again. I never understood how she could just turn off her tears like that and go back to acting like nothing had ever happened.
Anyway, I needed to tell them about today’s window session. Mama had always acted weird when I tried to talk
to her and papa mainly listened. They never really knew what to say but Ms. Carle told me that I should talk to them about the sessions, too.
“I saw Joyce in the coffin today.”
I could see the smile on mama’s face drop. Both of them were staring forward and I could feel it. The same thing was about to happen. She started squirming in her seat and turned to look out of her window.
“Explain,” said papa.
“Well, she looked like Joyce but couldn’t have been. Joyce was standing next to me. Next to all of us. The girl in the coffin looked like she was sleeping. I remember the roses. We all had to put a rose in. Right, mama?”
I could hear her sniffling. She was trying to hold back her tears. She always did this. Surprisingly, she turned her head around and looked at me with a sad look but trying to force a grin at the same time. Papa pulled down the driveway and parked the car in front of the house.
“You’re right. I did make everyone put the roses in the coffin. Joyce loved roses. I wanted everyone to give her one last rose so that she could be with them forever. It was Joyce, baby. Joyce was in the coffin. Sometimes you see her because she was a part of you. You both have the strongest bond in the world. Nobody could ever break that, not even after her death. What you both had and still have is very special and no one can ever take that away from you. But, she’s no longer here with us. It was Joyce laying in there. That’s who you saw,” said mama.
Chapter 19: “Round 2”
December 14, 2001
“I’m proud of you. I wasn’t expecting you to say all of that to her because, well…you don’t say much about it,” said Joseph.
The both of them had just gotten in bed for the night. To satisfy whatever everyone had a taste for, he had ordered just about one of everything they loved on the menu. The dining room table was filled with takeout boxes and Mary had even offered to clean the table afterwards.
They talked here and there about what had happened in therapy for the day. When Mary finally detailed the whole event, Joseph was glad that the new approach had been working for her.
It had taken a while to get to the point that they were at but he was glad that there was progress. He had been skeptical at first and felt that the sessions would do damage to Mary but at the same time, he was desperate to get his daughter the help that she needed.
“I didn’t expect myself to say it either. I don’t know. I think it kind of just flew out of my mouth. When Mary became confused as to why I was crying and it upset her, I instantly felt like I should be doing more for her. I should’ve been saying more. Joyce was my baby but she was also a part of Mary. I felt them inside of me and they have been side by side since day one,” whispered Lovette.
It had been so long since she had thought about being pregnant with them. Every kick, every hiccup, those little legs stretching in the morning…she had felt all of this.
Lovette enjoyed her last pregnancy way more than the first. Despite carrying more than one child the second time around, the pregnancies were almost identical. Morning sickness, backaches and even the cravings were just about the same. Joseph catered to her as usual but the second pregnancy enlightened her soul more.
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November 4, 1988
Lovette had been throwing up non-stop for two days and had finally taken Joseph’s advice about having Dr. Oar make another visit to their home. A horrible stomach bug had hit their household and she was the last one to get it. Joey and Joseph both were feeling back to their usual self and Lovette had now been feeling the pain they had felt.
Joseph had offered to stay home and take care of her while she had been sick but as usual, she shooed him off to work. He had been home for three days and was the worst person when he was sick. She felt for him but at the same time, men were some of the biggest babies while they were under the weather.
Every move Joseph would make would be attached with a moan and the complaints were nonstop. If she had to spend another day with him home all day, she would lose her mind. He was just as worse when she was sick. Following her around like a puppy wouldn’t speed up her recovery.
Hunched over the bathroom toilet, Lovette’s knees were in pain and red from the tiles. This had been her second time vomiting and it was only the beginning of the afternoon. Running into the bathroom with one of his action figure toys, Joey pretended as if it were flying.
“Look, mom!” he shouted while turning in circles. Gathering the strength to somewhat entertain her son, she lifted her head to see what the excitement was about. Joey had been spinning in circles and this alone made her dizzy. Swiveling her head back around towards the bowl, she threw up again.
“I’m not feeling well, baby. How about you got downstairs and pull out the bread, peanut butter and jelly? Let me get this out of my system really quick and I’ll make you lunch. I’ll be down in a few,” said Lovette. Nodding his head, Joey ran downstairs.
Letting her head hang, Lovette sat on her knees until she felt as if the vomiting was done. Their family doctor would be over any minute now to check on her. Getting up from the floor, she washed her hands, brushed her teeth and threw cool water on her face. Feeling ten times better, she went to make Joey his lunch.
Walking into the kitchen, Joey was sitting on the floor with his action figure and had been eating his sandwich. There was an empty banana peel sitting beside him. Instantly feeling bad, Lovette squatted down beside him and crossed her legs.
“I’m so sorry I took so long. Mommy hasn’t been feeling good. Did you make the sandwich all by yourself?!” joked Lovette. Looking up at her and smiling, he had jelly stuck to the corners of his mouth.
“I did! All by myself! I know you don’t feel good and I wanted to show you how growed up I am,” said Joey.
Her feelings instantly switched to proud. She had been so used to doing everything for him and barely thought to let him do things on his own. Joey was now in kindergarten and she still had a hard time seeing that her baby was growing every day.
“Well, I’m proud of you but ‘growed’ up isn’t the right way to say it. You wanted to show me how much you have grown and I see. You did a good job and you also added in a healthy snack,” replied Lovette. Kissing him at the top of his head, she got up from the floor as soon as she heard the wheels roll over the rocks in her driveway.
Dr. Oar. He had been their family doctor and would remain their doctor for as long as he worked. He was one of the nicest people she had ever known and had a passion for helping others.
“I heard mama bear caught the bug, too. Is that so? How are we feeling?” said Dr. Oar. Slamming his car door and wobbling up towards the front porch, Lovette was happy to see him. Waving him inside, he placed his equipment on the chair and turned towards Lovette.
“Well, you look good. Tell me what’s going on,” he said.
“I’ve been vomiting for a few days now,” said Lovette. Pointing to the chair, Dr. Oar waited for her to have a seat. Pulling out his thermometer, he checked her temperature. After a minute or so passed, he spoke.
“You don’t have a fever. Have you had the shits?” he questioned. Lovette instantly cackled and he joined her. Dr. Oar felt more like a family member than he did an actual doctor. He knew his stuff but he also knew his patients personally and dealt with each individual with care.
“Nope. Just can’t stop vomiting,” replied Lovette. She was still wearing her house coat and it was making her sweat. Taking it off, she felt relieved and sat back in the chair.
“Well, I’m no doctor…yes I am…but it sounds like it’s not a stomach bug but possibly a baby bug. When was your last cycle?” said Dr. Oar. Lovette instantly sat up straight and got nervous.
“I’m guessing that’s code for ‘baby bug is a possibility’, huh?” he continued.
It was definitely a possibility. She hadn’t been on any type of birth control and condoms were never used in her marriage. Lovette didn�
�t get a cycle in October but she ignored it due to the stress her marriage had been going through. Now, it was only the first week of November and nothing had shown up.
“Getting back on track within her marriage.” The sentences echoed in her head so much that it made her head hurt. The past two months have been filled with her and Joseph trying to make things right after Lovette found out he had sabotaged their whole relationship. Things weren’t perfect but she had been trying to make their marriage work.
“I’ll take the silence as this was unplanned. Would you like for me to go pick up a pregnancy test for you? I don’t have anything planned for the rest of the evening, so I really don’t mind,” he said.
Shaking her head, Lovette wasn’t ready for anyone to know if she was indeed pregnant. Not even Dr. Oar.
“No, thank you. I’ll go get one myself,” she replied.
“Go take that test and if it’s positive, make you an appointment with an OBGYN first thing Monday morning. I hope you get to feeling better. Tell Joseph that I said hello,” As soon as he started packing up his things, Joey ran into the living room.
“Did you fix her?” Joey asked. He still had the same action figure in his hands but this time, it was covered in peanut butter.
“Mommy is going to be fine. She just needs a little rest. Make sure you be her big helper and does what she tells you to do. Okay?” said Dr. Oar. Joey smiled, nodded and ran out of the room.
Lovette watched the doctor’s car drive down the rocky road and was consumed with tons of different feelings. She knew that one day she wanted to have another child. But, was she ready?
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“I know you only want what’s best for the kids. I’m glad you said those words to her today. She needed to hear that from you,” said Joseph. He had slid all the way under the comforter and looked as if he was about to fall asleep any second.
Lovette, on the other hand, was wide awake. She was in the mood to talk to him and wanted him to be in the mood to listen. Sitting straight up, she continued talking. Joseph took the hint and sat back up with her.
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