Lovestruck Summer

by Melissa Walker

  180 And in that moment I hear Russ’s big booming laugh through the walls of the condo. I gaze in the kitchen window and I see him, smile blaz- ing, bumping fi sts with everyone at the keg and laughing like the life of the party. “I want to stay,”I say to Sebastian. “Come on, Quinn,”he says. And his voice sounds whinier than I remember it being. “This isn’t your scene.”I look at him evenly. “I live here,”I say. “And these people are my friends.”“That guy is your friend?”Sebastian points to a frat brother of Russ’s who’s wearing one of those beer hats with the straw that leads straight to his mouth. His T-shirt says, C’S GET DEGREES. “Okay, maybe not him specifi cally,”I say. “But yeah, some of these people have kind of been here for me this summer.”I glance over at Russ, just for a second. Sebastian sighs in frustration. “Look, I know that Penny ditz is your cousin but—”I feel my mouth draw closed into an angry line. “Did you just call my cousin a ditz?”I ask. “Don’t get all protective, Quinn,”he says. “You told me that you think she’s a complete

  181 airhead princess.”“I never said that!”I say. “You did,”says Sebastian. “Well, I didn’t mean it,”I say, fl ustered. Have I really been going around talking about Penny that way? I feel a rush of guilt. And besides—she’s my family, so I can talk about her. But he can’t. “You’re not the same girl I met earlier this summer,”says Sebastian. And the weird thing is, I think he’s trying to hurt me by saying that I’ve changed. He’s probably insinuating that I’m not as cool as I once was, that I’ve lost some sort of imaginary edge. But I don’t care what he thinks, I realize. Sure, Sebastian’s hot and he knows a lot about indie music and he makes for a good photo on my Facebook page. He looks like the kind of guy a girl like me would hang out with, go to shows with, be seen with. But somehow, we don’t fi t. “You should probably go,”I say. “Since it’s not really your scene.”He stares at me for a long moment before turning around, walking back through the slid- ing glass doors, and disappearing.

  182 Not fi ve seconds later, Penny’s at my side. “What was that about?”she asks, swirling the ice in her drink around with a tiny straw. “He was being a jerk,”I say. “I’m glad you noticed,”she says. “I thought you might be completely blinded by his metro- sexual haircut.”I laugh. “Touché,”I say. Then I pause and think about how to say what I want to say next. “He really is a good guy,”I say. “I think he was just uncomfortable here.”“Hmph,”says Penny. “Well, he’s my type,”I say, trying to defend Sebastian a little. “I mean, I like it when people are like me. And when they understand the music that I like, it feels like they understand a big part of who I am.”“Who you are or who you want the world to think you are?”asks Penny. “What’s that supposed to mean?”I ask. “You’ve got your rock-short haircut, your indie internship, your DJ boyfriend,”she says. “Does it all feel right?”“Yeah,”I say slowly. “It does.”But as I hear myself talking, I realize that music taste is

  183 a fl imsy reason to date someone. “Are you so smitten with the DJ that you haven’t noticed anyone else?”asks Penny. “Who?”I ask. “A certain lonesome cowboy next door,”says Penny, possibly creating a new clichéd personal descriptor as she takes a sip from her drink. “Russ?”I ask. “He’s not into me. He just wants to prove that I’m wrong about things. He’s like a stubborn ten-year-old.”Penny laughs and an ice cube fl ies out of her mouth. “He described you practically the same way,”she says, wiping her face. “Right before he told me he was completely falling for you.”“He did not say that,”I gasp. “Well, not in so many words, but . . .”Penny starts. “I haven’t seen him this gone for someone since—”“Penny!”shouts Chrissy from across the room. “You’ve got to hear Jade’s story about her boss. Get in here!”Penny turns to me. “Coming?”she asks. “I’ve heard that one already,”I say. “I’ll be in in a minute.”She leaves me outside on the deck, where I

  184 catch my breath. I tilt my head to the sky and take in the stars, making a wish on one particu- larly sparkly one before I go inside to work up the nerve to pull Russ away from the keg. I find Jade, Penny, and Chrissy talking to two other girls by the kitchen island. “Quinn!”Jade shouts, looping an arm around my shoulder. “Meet my new friends Jessica and Ashley.”“Hi,”I say to the two smiling girls across from me. “These girls have amazing tips on how to spot a player,”says Jade. “I am learning all the warning signs that Rick put out. I had no idea!”“Rick sounds like a d-bag,”says Penny. “Total d-bag,”echoes Chrissy. “I’d like to meet him in the roller rink.”“I might just fi nd me an Alpha-Alpha boy tonight,”Jade shouts, and a few interested heads turn our way. The Tri-Pi girls laugh. I love that Jade is just fi tting in and embracing this scene. I wonder why I haven’t been able to do that. Even in my mind right now, I’m judging Ashley and Jessica

  185 for looking Barbie-ish and having Simpson sister names. I might be an asshole, I realize. Just like Sebastian. I take a deep breath and look over at Russ. The beer line is thinning. I walk over to the sink and empty out my cup so I have an excuse to approach the keg. “Hey,”Russ says when I get close to him, smiling at me in this really endearing way that makes my heart loop around a little. “Where’s Mr. DJ?”“He left,”I say. “I’m sorry,”says Russ, not looking sorry at all. “I told him to go,”I say. “Did you now?”asks Russ, looking impressed. “Yeah,”I say, trying to sound nonchalant. “So, do you get a break?”Russ lifts both fi ngers to his mouth for the double whistle. “Nate!”he shouts. A hugely tall guy in an actual cowboy hat hurries across the room toward us. “Take over for a few,”says Russ, handing him the hose.

  186 Nate nods, and Russ puts his hand on my back, leading me toward the front door. My heart is pounding, because it seems like Russ has been waiting for me to do this—to say something. To start something. And I wonder if I’ll be able to. But I shouldn’t have worried. The second we get outside, he pulls the door closed behind him and folds me in his arms. I feel his kiss before I can say anything. But this is exactly what I wanted to say, in a much more articulate way than I could have put it. His chest presses against me as I reach up and put my hands in his curly hair. I’m gasping a little, but I can’t come up for air. This makeout session rates about 1000 on the hot meter, and I don’t want to stop. Finally, Russ does it for me. “Are you drunk?”he asks. “No,”I say honestly. My eyes feel heavy and hooded. I want him to keep kissing me. “Did you lose a bet?”he asks. “No.”I laugh, looking up and into his eyes. “I like you.”“I like you too,”says Russ, leaning in for more kisses. I meet him halfway to save time.

  187 Then I hear a voice. “Hey, Russ,”says a soft twang. His head jerks up. When he sees her, I notice, he instantly lets go of me. I feel my body temperature drop rapidly. “Katie,”he whispers. “Yup,”she says. “That’s my name.”She sticks out her hand at me, like I’m sup- posed to shake it. But unless she’s Russ’s sister, I don’t think I want to touch this girl. “This is Quinn,”says Russ. And I’m disap- pointed that he didn’t call me Priscilla. “Well . . . hi,”says Katie, dropping her hand since I’ve made no move to take it. “Listen, Russ, can we go somewhere and talk for a few minutes?”I look over at him, watching him react to her question, the same question I asked him about half an hour ago by the keg. He lowers his eyes and looks at the ground when he says, “Sure.”Then he opens up the front door to Penny’s condo, for me. “See you later, Quinn,”he says. And I don’t know why I don’t fi ght, why I don’t demand to know who this “Katie”is, why

  188 I don’t make them both explain what the heck just happened to interrupt my best-kiss-ever. But I don’t. I just walk inside in a daze. Did I just put my heart in the middle of a highway and watch it get splattered by an eighteen-wheeler? Because that’s what it feels like. I walk past the party revelry, up the stairs to Miss Tiara’s room. She raises her head when I open the door, and licks my hand when I sit down next to her on the fl oor. I stare at the blank walls for a moment before I hear more footsteps on the stairs. “Quinn?”Penny knocks on the door as she calls my name.
She pokes her head in and Jade is right behind her. They look at me worriedly as they join me on the fl oor. It’s like we’re in a séance circle around Miss Tiara. “What happened?”asks Jade. “Did you have a fi ght with Sebastian?”My night has been so crazy that I’m not sure where to start. “Sebastian left,”says Penny. “And Quinn was outside making out with Russ. Until Katie came back.”

  189 Wow. I guess my cousin is like the Ernest Hemingway of retelling other people’s drama, because she knows where to start and fi nish, sum- ming up my evening in three concise sentences. I raise an eyebrow at her. “I was spying on you through the window,”she explains sheepishly. “I can’t resist a roman- tic moment—even if it isn’t mine.”“Wait,”says Jade. “Slow down. When did Sebastian leave?”“Maybe an hour ago,”I say. “He kept asking if I wanted to get out of here and saying that it wasn’t his scene and all that. I guess I just got tired of it. I mean, it’s not like you’re a Tri-Pi type, but you were having fun. And Russ said I was beautiful and I was looking at the stars and this song was playing and it just seemed like everything was—”I pause and look at their faces. I’m rambling. “Okay, fi ne,”I say. “So we kissed and now he’s out there with some Katie. Who the hell is Katie anyway?”I stare at my cousin, demand- ing an answer. Penny sighs. “She’s his ex,”she says. “She was in London earlier this summer, doing some

  190 program with the history department, but she’s back now.”“And she just happens to suddenly reappear in the middle of the best kissing ever?!”I ask. “I don’t think Russ knew she was coming back this weekend,”says Penny. “Things ended pretty badly between them.”“How long were they together?”asks Jade. “Almost two years,”says Penny. “They met right at the end of freshman year.”We all look down at Miss Tiara’s pillow. This is intense. I’m suddenly regretting a lot of things. “I never should have told Sebastian to leave,”I say. “Quinn, it doesn’t mean anything that this girl is back,”says Jade. “So what?”I look over at Penny, who’s biting her lip. “What?”I ask. “Nothing,”she says. “I’m not sure what it means that Katie’s here now. I mean, I know Russ really likes you . . . but they were, like, in love.”I feel a sharp pain in my chest. “You guys, I think I want to be alone,”I

  191 say. I have this urge to put on my headphones and curl up next to Miss Tiara. “Can I have a blanket and a pillow?”I ask Penny. “I’ll sleep in here.”With the party raging downstairs, it’s not like I really have a choice. The next morning, I wake up to Miss Tiara lick- ing my nose. I look at my iPod—it’s 6:14 A.M. I stand up to avoid the Tongue and I walk into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. There are discarded cups all over the sink area, and they smell gross. My makeup, I see, has that morning-after stank to it. Usually I think that’s a good look, but today it just reminds me that last night went in a weird direction that ended up with me feeling hurt. I sigh out loud and Miss Tiara growls softly in commiseration. “Let’s take a walk,”I say to her, heading to her closet to fi nd her Juicy tank top. The fact that I’m dressing up this dog for a walk is some- thing I would never admit to Raina back home, but the truth is, she does seem to like it. I grab the leash and step outside. It’s really quiet this early in the morning,

  192 and as we stroll along the sidewalk of the condo complex, I kind of appreciate not having my iPod on right now. I can hear my own thoughts. And my brain is buzzing. I keep turning over in my mind how Russ isn’t my type, how he’s the most frustrating person I’ve ever met, how incompatible we are. Raina would die if she saw how Texas he is, with his grass-in-mouth, cowboy smile, big-buckle- wearing self. And Raina would also die in a dif- ferent way if she saw Sebastian in person—he’s so perfectly indie, and exactly what I wanted in a summer fl ing. So what if he felt uncomfortable last night? It’s the kind of party where I would defi nitely feel weird if I didn’t know any of my cousin’s friends. Didn’t Penny scare me when she fi rst picked me up this summer? But then I think about Jade, and how she can fi t in anywhere, in the indie scene, here at soror- ity central, with Rick and the bands on Amalgam. In lots of ways—minus the hooking up with our boss part—Jade is the girl I want to be. And Russ, even though he’s such a truck- driving, baseball-cap-wearing frat guy I could never see myself with, he’s always himself.

  193 He doesn’t change for people. He knows who he is. All these thoughts are in my head fl oating around, sorting themselves as Miss Tiara and I meander through the complex. The main one, though, is the kissing. I can still feel the fi reworks inside me when I let my mind linger on Russ’s lips. But then I see her face—Katie. I mean, I really see it. She’s right in front of me as I lead Miss Tiara back up the steps to Penny’s front door. “Hi,”she says. She’s still wearing the generic black tank dress she was in last night, and the stupid ribbons on her wedge heels are untied, I notice. She’s fi shing around in her purse. I watch, openmouthed, as she fi nds her car keys and opens the door to a white Lexus parked in front of Russ’s condo. Then she drives away, and I swear to ban all thoughts of those kisses from my mind. Forever. I go back inside and delete Russ’s playlist from my iPod, making a mental note to smash his tape later. And then I start to cry.

  194 Chapter 16 I spend Saturday and Sunday moping around. I make Penny close all the blinds so that Russ can’t look in and see what we’re doing. Part of me thinks that he’ll come over at some point to explain, but he doesn’t. And I’m done crying. Hour by hour I get angrier. I consider calling Sebastian, but I fi gure he’s still mad. I’m a mess of indecision, so I decide to do nothing. My dad used to tell me that sometimes the best way to handle a crisis is: “Don’t just do something, stand there!”It’s Zen or Buddhist or something. It seems like the smartest thing right now. I email Mom and Dad to update them about . . . well, nothing really. I just tell them I’m having fun and helping to plan a big music festi- val. It’s enough to keep them at bay for a while, I

  195 know. When they’re traveling on these research trips they get all lost in their own world anyway. Penny ropes me into watching a full season of Sex and the City on DVD, and those women are way older but they still are just as confused about guys as I am. It doesn’t make me feel better, but eating a pile of candy from Penny’s emer- gency bowl (which includes mini chocolate bars and reams of those button candies) eases my heartache a little. On Monday morning, Jade is anxious to get an update from me, but I’m not in the mood to talk. “Put on Fans of Emptiness,”I say, and she dutifully loads the stereo with the dark and sor- rowful band’s most emo album. “That bad?”she asks. “Let’s just say I saw Katie leaving Russ’s condo at around seven A.M. Saturday morning, wearing her dress from the night before,”I say. “Ouch,”says Jade. Then Rick walks through the door. In the midst of my drama, I forgot that he was back this week. I glance at Jade to see how she reacts. “Hi, Rick,”she says, smiling cheerfully.

  196 “Jade, Quinn.”He nods, handing me some of the mail from the P.O. box and then walking back to his offi ce without meeting either of our eyes. “What was that?”I whisper once he’s out of earshot. Jade rolls her eyes. “Who knows?”she says. “I’m just going to be a good little intern, at least at work.”“And outside of work?”I ask. “That’s where I get to act like a crazy scorned lover,”she says, laughing. I’m not sure she’s joking, but I laugh along with her. “Penny thinks I should be strong and single this summer,”I tell Jade. “What do you think?”she asks. “I think she knows I have no shot with Russ now, and she just isn’t into Sebastian,”I say. “Well, the question is: Are you into Sebastian?”Jade asks. Then I see her glance at the door. “Speak of the devil,”she whispers under her breath. Sebastian’s standing in the entrance. Could this offi ce be more crowded with angst? He shifts his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other. “Um, Quinn?”he asks. “Can I talk to you

  197 outside for a sec? If, um, it’s okay?”“Sure,”I say, handing Jade the box cutter I was using to open packages. I briefl y consider taking the stubby knife outside with me, but I think that would look weird. I may be a li
ttle bit mad at him, but I don’t want to carve him up. Besides, I’m the one who kissed someone else on Friday night, which maybe wasn’t allowed. I stand up and brush off my jeans, follow- ing him to the parking lot. We sit on the curb in front of the neighboring UPS store, out of Jade’s sight range, which I know will drive her crazy. “I’m sorry about Friday night,”he says. “I was a little buzzed and I fl ashed back to some weird frat parties I’d been to. I just needed to get out of there. But it wasn’t cool to diss your cousin or her friends.”“Thanks for saying that,”I say, picking up a stick and poking it into the top lace hole of my sneakers. “Yeah,”he says. “I just sometimes get weird around jock types. High school memories and all. The kid with the turntables wasn’t really cool in my Friday Night Lights small town.”“I get it,”I say. And I do. After all, don’t I have