The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.)

by Ambrose Bierce

  "Sef--Seffy, I thought it was his old watch he was auctioning off. Iwanted it for--for--a nest-egg! aha-ha-ha! You must excuse me."

  "You wouldn't 'a' bid at all if you'd knowed it was me, I reckon," saidSeffy.

  "Yes, I would," declared the coquette. "I'd rather have you than anynest-egg in the whole world--any two of 'em!"--and when he did not takehis chance--"if they were made of gold!"

  But then she spoiled it.

  "It's worse fellows than you, Seffy." The touch of coquetry was but tooapparent.

  "And better," said Seffy, with a lump in his throat. "I know I ain't nogood with girls--and I don't care!"

  "Yes!" she assented wickedly. "There _are_ better ones."

  "Sam Pritz--"

  Sally looked away, smiled, and was silent.

  "Sulky Seffy!" she finally said.

  "If he does stink of salt mackerel, and 'most always drunk!" Seffy wenton bitterly. "He's nothing but a molasses-tapper!"

  Sally began to drift farther away and to sing. Calling Pritz names wasof no consequence--except that it kept Seffy from making love to herwhile he was doing it--which seemed foolish to Sally. The old man cameup and brought them together again.

  "Oach! go 'long and make lofe some more. I like to see it. I expect Iam an old fool, but I like to see it--it's like ol' times--yas, and ifyou don't look out there, Seffy, I'll take a hand myself--yassir! go'long!"

  He drew them very close together, each looking the other way. Indeed heheld them there for a moment, roughly.

  Seffy stole a glance at Sally. He wanted to see how she was taking hisfather's odiously intimate suggestion. But it happened that Sally wantedto see how he was taking it. She laughed with the frankest of joy astheir eyes met.

  "Seffy--I _do_--like you," said the coquette. "And you ought to know it.You imp!"

  Now this was immensely stimulating to the bashful Seffy.

  "I like _you_," he said--"ever since we was babies."

  "Sef--I don't believe you. Or you wouldn't waste your time so--about SamPritz!"

  "Er--Sally--where you going to to-night?" Seffy meant to prove himself.

  And Sally answered, with a little fright at the sudden aggressivenessshe had procured.

  "Nowheres that _I_ know of."

  "Well--may I set up with you?"

  The pea-green sunbonnet could not conceal the utter amazement and thenthe radiance which shot into Sally's face.

  "Set--up--with--me!"

  "Yes!" said Seffy, almost savagely. "That's what I said."

  "Oh, I--I guess so! Yes! of course!" she answered variously, and rushedoff home.

  "You know I own you," she laughed back, as if she had not beensufficiently explicit. "I paid for you! Your pappy's got the money!I'll expect my property to-night."

  "Yas!" shouted the happy old man, "and begoshens! it's a reg'larbargain! Ain't it, Seffy? You her property--real estate, hereditamentsand tenements." And even Seffy was drawn into the joyous laughingconceit of it! Had he not just done the bravest thing of his small life?

  "Yes!" he cried after the fascinating Sally. "For sure and certain,to-night!"

  "It's a bargain!" cried she.

  "For better or worser, richer or poorer, up an' down, in an' out,chassez right and left! Aha-ha-ha! Aha-ha-ha! But, Seffy,"--and thehappy father turned to the happy son and hugged him, "don't you eferforgit that she's a feather-head and got a bright red temper like herdaddy! And they both work mighty bad together sometimes. When you gether at the right place onct--well, nail her down--hand and feet--so'sshe can't git away. When she gits mad her little brain evaporates, andif she had a knife she'd go round stabbing her best friends--that's theonly sing that safes her--yas, and us!--no knife. If she had a knife itwould be funerals following her all the time."

  II

  They advanced together now, Seffy's father whistling some tune that wasnever heard before on earth, and, with his arm in that of his son, theywatched Sally bounding away. Once more, as she leaped a fence, shelooked laughingly back. The old man whistled wildly out of tune. Seffywaved a hand!

  "Now you shouting, Seffy! Shout ag'in!"

  "I didn't say a word!"

  "Well--it ain't too late! Go on!"

  Now Seffy understood and laughed with his father.

  "Nice gal, Sef--Seffy!"

  "Yes!" admitted Seffy with reserve.

  "Healthy."

  Seffy agreed to this, also.

  "No doctor-bills!" his father amplified.

  Seffy said nothing.

  "Entire orphen."

  "She's got a granny!"

  "Yas," chuckled the old man at the way his son was drifting into thesituation--thinking about granny!--"but Sally owns _the farm_!"

  "Uhu!" said Seffy, whatever that might mean.

  "And Sally's the boss!"

  Silence.

  "And granny won't object to any one Sally marries, anyhow--she dassent!She'd git licked!"

  "Who said anything about marrying?"

  Seffy was speciously savage now--as any successful wooer might be.

  "Nobody but me, sank you!" said the old man with equally speciousmeekness. "Look how she ken jump a six-rail fence. Like a three-yearfilly! She's a nice gal, Seffy--and the farms j'ine together--herpasture-field and our corn-field. And she's kissing her hand backwards!At me or you, Seffy?"

  Seffy said he didn't know. And he did not return the kiss--though heyearned to.

  "Well, I bet a dollar that the first initial of his last name isSephenijah P. Baumgartner, _Junior_."

  "Well!" said Seffy with a great flourish, "I'm going to set up with herto-night."

  "Oach--git out, Sef!"--though he knew it.

  "You'll see."

  "No, I won't," said his father. "I wouldn't be so durn mean. Nossir!"

  Seffy grinned at this subtle foolery, and his courage continued to grow.

  "I'm going to wear my high hat!" he announced, with his nose quite inthe air.

  "No, Sef!" said the old man with a wonderful inflection, facing himabout that he might look into his determined face. For it must beexplained that the stovepipe hat, in that day and that country, wasdedicated only to the most momentous social occasions and that,consequently, gentlemen wore it to go courting.

  "Yes!" declared Seffy again.

  "Bring forth the stovepipe, The stovepipe, the stovepipe--"

  chanted Seffy's frivolous father in the way of the Anvil Chorus.

  "And my butterfly necktie with--"

  "Wiss the di'mond on?" whispered his father.

  They laughed in confidence of their secret. Seffy, the successful wooer,was thawing out again. The diamond was not a diamond at all--the Hebrewwho sold it to Seffy had confessed as much. But he also swore that if itwere kept in perfect polish no one but a diamond merchant could tell thedifference. Therefore, there being no diamond merchant anywhere near,and the jewel being always immaculate, Seffy presented it as a diamondand had risen perceptibly in the opinion of the vicinage.

  "And--and--and--Sef--Seffy, what you goin' to _do_?"

  "Do?"

  Seffy had been absorbed in what he was going to wear. "Yas--yas--that'sthe most important." He encircled Seffy's waist and gently squeezed it."Oh, of _course_! Hah? But what _yit_?"

  I regret to say that Seffy did not understand.

  "Seffy," he said impressively, "you haf' tol' me what you goin' to wear.It ain't much. The weather's yit pooty col' nights. But I ken stand itif you ken--God knows about Sally! Now, what you goin' to _do_--that'sthe conuntrum I ast you!"

  Still it was not clear to Seffy.

  "Why--what I'm a-going to do, hah? Why--whatever occurs."

  "Gosh-a'mighty! And nefer say a word or do a sing to help theoccurrences along? Goshens! What a setting-up! Why--say--Seffy, what youset up _for_?"

  Seffy did not exactly know. He had never hoped to practise the thing--inthat sublimely militant phase.

  "What do _you_ think?"

  "Well, Sef--plow straight to her heart
. I wisht I had your chance. I'dshow you a other-guess kind a setting-up--yassir! Make your mouth warterand your head swim, begoshens! Why, that Sally's just like a youngstubble-field; got to be worked constant, and plowed deep, and manuredheafy, and mebby drained wiss blind ditches, and crops changed constant,and kep' a-going thataway--constant--constant--so's the weeds can't gitin her. Then you ken put her in wheat after a while and git your moneyback."

  This drastic metaphor had its effect. Seffy began to understand. He saidso.

  "Now, look here, Seffy," his father went on more softly, "when you gitto this--and this--and this,"--he went through his pantomime again, andit included a progressive caressing to the kissing point--"well, chustwhen you bose comfortable--hah?--mebby on one cheer, what I know--it'sso long sence I done it myself--when you bose comfortable, asther--chust ast her--aham!--what she'll take for the pasture-field! Sheowns you bose and she can't use bose you and the pasture. A bird in thehand is worth seferal in another feller's--not so?"

  But Seffy only stopped and stared at his father. This, again, he did_not_ understand.

  "You know well enough I got no money to buy no pasture-field," said he.

  "Gosh-a'mighty!" said the old man joyfully, making as if he would strikeSeffy with his huge fist--a thing he often did. "And ain't got nossingto trade?"

  "Nothing except the mare!" said the boy.

  "Say--ain't you got no feelings, you idjiot?"

  "Oh--" said Seffy. And then: "But what's feelings got to do withcow-pasture?"

  "Oach! No wonder he wants to be an anchel, and wiss the anchelsstand--holding sings in his hands and on his head! He's too good forthis wile world. He'd linger shifering on the brink and fear to launchaway all his durn life--if some one didn't push him in. So here goes!"

  This was spoken to the skies, apparently, but now he turned to his sonagain.

  "Look a-yere, you young dummer-ux,[2] feelings is the same to gals likeSally, as money is to you and me. You ken buy potatoes wiss 'em! Do youunderstand?"

  Seffy said that he did, now.

  "Well, then, I'fe tried to _buy_ that pasture-field a sousand times--"

  Seffy started.

  "Yas, that's a little bit a lie--mebby a dozen times. And at lastSally's daddy said he'd lick me if I efer said pasture-field ag'in, andI said it ag'in and he licked me! He was a big man--and red-headed yit,like Sally. Now, look a-yere--_you_ ken git that pasture-field wissoutmoney and wissout price--except you' dam' feelings which ain't no otheruse. Sally won't lick _you_--if she is bigger--don't be a-skeered. Yougot tons of feelin's you ain't got no other use for--don't waste'em--they're good green money, and we'll git efen wiss Sally's daddy forlicking me yit--and somesing on the side! Huh?"

  [Footnote 2: Dumb ox--a term of reproach.]

  At last it was evident that Seffy fully understood, and his father brokeinto that discordant whistle once more.

  "A gal that ken jump a six-rail fence--and wissout no runningstart--don't let her git apast you!"

  "Well, I'm going to set up with her to-night," said Seffy again, with ahuge ahem. And the tune his father whistled as he opened the door forhim sounded something like "I want to be an angel."

  "But not to buy no pasture-land!" warned Seffy.

  "Oach, no, of course not!" agreed his wily old father. "That's just oneof my durn jokes. But I expect I'll take the fence down to-morrow! Say,Sef, you chust marry the gal. I'll take keer the fence!"

  III

  It took Seffy a long time to array himself as he had threatened. Andwhen it was all done you wouldn't have known him--you wouldn't havecared to know him. For his fine yellow hair was changed to an ugly brownby the patent hair-oil with which he had dressed it--and you would nothave liked its fragrance, I trust. Bergamot, I think it was. His fineyoung throat was garroted within a starched standing collar, his feetwere pinched in creaking boots, his hands close-gauntleted in buckskingloves, and he altogether incomparable, uncomfortable, and triumphant.

  Down stairs his father paced the floor, watch in hand. From time to timehe would call out the hour, like a watchman on a minaret. At last:

  "Look a-yere, Seffy, it's about two inches apast seven--and by the timeyou git there--say, _nefer_ gif another feller a chance to git thereafore you or to leave after you!"

  Seffy descended at that moment with his hat poised in his left hand.

  His father dropped his watch and picked it up.

  Both stood at gaze for a moment.

  "Sunder, Sef! You as beautiful as the sun, moon and stars--and as stinkyas seferal apothecary shops. Yere, take the watch and git along--so'syou haf some time wiss you--now git along! You late a'ready. Goshens!You wass behind time when you wass born! Yas, your mammy wassdisapp'inted in you right at first. You wass seventy-six hours late! Butnow you reformed--sank God! I always knowed it wass a cure for it, but Ididn't know it wass anysing as nice as Sally."

  Seffy issued forth to his first conquest--lighted as far as the frontgate by the fat lamp held in his father's hand.

  "A--Sef--Seffy, shall I set up for you tell you git home?" he calledinto the dark.

  "No!" shouted Seffy.

  "Aha--aha--aha! That sounds _right_! Don't you forgit when youbose--well--comfortable--aha--aha! Mebby on one cheer aha--ha-ha. Andwe'll bose take the fence down to-morrow. Mebby all three!"

  AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL CONGRESS

  BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE

  "'There's none can tell about my birth For I'm as old as the big round earth; Ye young Immortals clear the track, I'm the bearded Joke on the Carpet tack."

  Thus spoke A Joke With boastful croak; And as he said, Upon his head He stood, and waited for the tread Of thoughtless wight, Who, in the night, Gets up, arrayed in garments white, And indiscreet, With unshod feet, Prowls round for something good to eat.

  But other Jokes His speech provokes; And old, and bald, and lame, and gray, With loftiest scorn they say him Nay; And bid him hold his unweaned tongue, For they were blind ere he was young. So hot They grew, This complot Crew, They laid a plan To catch a Man; That all the clan Might then trepan His skull with Jokes; they thus began:

  First Mule, his heel its skill to try, Amid his ribs like lightning laid-- And back recoiled--he well knew why; "Insurance Man," he faintly sayed.

  Next Stove Pipe rushed, as hot as fire, "Put up!" he cried, in accents bold; With Elbow joint he struck the lyre, And knocked the Weather Prophet cold.

  But thou, Ice Cream, with hair so gray, Three thousand years before the Flood, Cold, bitter cold, will be the day Thou dost not warm the Jester's blood. "Spoons for the spooney," was her ancient song, That with slow measure dragged its deathless length along.

  And longer had she sung, but with a frown, Old Pie, impatient, rose And roared, "Behold, I am the Funny Clown! And without me there is no Joke that goes.

  "To every Jester in the land, I lend my omnipresent hand; I've filled in Jokes of every grade Since ever Jokes and Pies were made; Sewed, pegged and pasted, glued or cast, If not the first of Jokes, I'll be the last."

  With heart unripe and mottled hide, Pale summer watermeloncholly sighed, And--but the Muse would find it vain To give a list of all the train; The hairless, purblind, toothless crew, That burst on Man's astonished view-- The Bull dog and the Garden gate; The Girl's Papa in wrathful state; Ma'ma in law; the Leathern Clam; The Woodshed Cat; the Rampant Ram; The Fly, the Goat, the Skating Rink, The Paste-brush plunging in the Ink; The Baby wailing in the Dark; The Songs they sang upon the Ark; Things that were old when Earth was new, And as they lived still old and older grew, And as these Jokes about him cried, And all their Ancient Arts upon him tried, Their hapless victim, Man, lay down and died.

  A BOY'S VIEW OF IT

  BY FRANK L. STANTON

  Mother--she's always a-sayin'
, she is, Boys must be looked after--got to be strict; When I tear my breeches like Billy tears his, It helps 'em considerable when I am licked! But it ain't leapin' over the fence or the post-- It's jest that same lickin' 'at tears 'em the most!

  Mother--she's always a-sayin' to me, Boys must have people to foller 'em roun'; Never kin tell where they're goin' to be; Sure to git lost, an' then have to be foun'. An' then--when they find 'em, they're so full of joy They can't keep from lovin' an' lickin' the boy!

  There's Jimmy Johnson--got lost on the road; Daddy wuz drivin' to market one day, Fell out the wagon, an' nobody knowed Till they come to a halt, an' his daddy said: "Hey! Wonder where Jimmy is gone to?" But Jim-- Warn't no two hosses could keep up with him!

  Jest kept a-goin', an' got to a place Where wuz a circus; took up with the clown, Cut off his ringlets and painted his face, An' then come right back to his daddy's own town! An' what do you reckon? His folks didn't know, An' paid to see Jimmy that night in the show!

  An' there's Billy Jenkins--he jest run away (Folks at his house wuzn't treatin' him right); Went to the place where the red Injuns stay; An' once, when his daddy wuz travelin' at night An' the Injuns took after him, hollerin' loud, Bill run to his rescue, an' scalped the whole crowd!

  No use in talkin'--boys don't have no show! Wuzn't fer people a-follerin' 'em roun', Jest ain't no tellin' how fast they would grow; Bet you they'd fool everybody in town! But mother--she says they need lickin', an' so They're too busy hollerin' to git up an' grow!