Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  A siren, shrill and headache-inducing, dragged me from the peace I’d found in rest, tearing me away from the line until it became a wall I couldn’t climb. I cracked open an eye, and Eoghan leaned over me, his lips curving into a smile. “I won.”

  What an asshole. “Your loss. There are far better prizes to be had,” I whispered, unable to find the strength for anything more than that.

  “Gordon tells me this age has a place called a hospital, where the sick and injured are treated. We’re taking you to one. As night has fallen, he will accompany us. The militia—”

  “Police,” I corrected.

  “Police,” he spat in reply, and he scowled at me. Good. He needed someone to put him in his place. “I told them the director of this place had meddled with magic he didn’t understand, meaning to kill you to perform his working. I find it odd this means your care is his responsibility. You are mine now.”

  When everything stopped hurting, I would have to have a long talk with the psycho antique. “Money. He has to pay money.”

  “It’s a fiscal responsibility?”

  “Yes.” I sighed. “Why aren’t I dead yet?”

  “It is exactly as I told you, Miss Nash. You’re not dead because you, without a seed of doubt, chose his life over yours. To a vampire, there is no better nourishment. You live, for that is one of the paradoxes of magic. Try not to think on it too much. I’m far older and have seen many ages, and not even I understand the full truth of why magic works as it does. Have no doubt, however. You do belong to me. That was our deal. Of course, I would have won regardless. A single cut of my arm would have brought your vampire to me, for mine is the sweetest of vintages for his kind. That would have secured your life.”

  Damn. That was one hell of a card he’d kept tucked up his sleeve. “You bastard.”

  “You’ll find out soon enough just how right you are, for I have already found an enemy for this age, and I look forward to destroying him.”

  Three

  I was surrounded by assholes.

  Eoghan and the newly reassembled vampire sat beside my bed while a pair of nurses drooled over them. I figured their primary target was Eoghan; the vampire was a little worse for wear and wore a rather disconcerting amount of blood. I assumed some of it was mine, and I didn’t want to know who the rest had come from. I had a few candidates among the funeral home staff who deserved such a fate, and Director Hammel took the top spot.

  I was surrounded by assholes. Everywhere I turned, an asshole surely waited for me. As far as the assholes in my life went, Eoghan made up for his failings in the looks department. I could work with the latest jerk in my life being an attractive jerk, although I’d have to do my best to establish some boundaries while restraining my urge to drool all over him like the nurses.

  The two women took turns revealing the wonders of their cell phones to the men, who regarded the devices with open suspicion. The vampire took the bait first, accepting the offered device. I watched with amusement as they demonstrated what a phone was and how it placed calls.

  The cell rang, playing the opening theme of a television show.

  Eoghan jumped in his seat while the vampire bolted across the room, dropping the phone. The nurse caught it before it could crack into the floor, and both of them giggled.

  My laugh emerged as a rasp, and I wished I had money so I could give both nurses a tip for the entertainment. “You’re scared of a phone.”

  Eoghan relaxed, and his smile made both nurses blush. A better woman would’ve warned them they flirted with an arrogant ass, but I needed to stay on my guard. A smile like his meant trouble.

  I had enough trouble already.

  Well, maybe I could use a little trouble to keep things interesting, but only a little. My life needed some nice spice, and I’d already landed myself into a huge mess. I’d need to find a lot of silver linings to get through the next year of my life.

  Surrounding myself with good-looking men counted as a silver lining, right? I bet even the vampire would turn heads once he got cleaned up.

  Blood was not a good look on anyone. Especially me. I did a quick check to confirm I no longer wore my own blood. I didn’t.

  If I had money, I would have tipped the hospital staff for that. The last thing I needed was to wear my own blood. It needed to stay in my veins where it belonged for a while. “How much blood did I lose, anyway?”

  “Too much,” Eoghan replied.

  I rolled my eyes at that. “How much is too much?”

  “Enough you required something the nurses called a transfusion. Our blood is the same type,” Eoghan announced. “This pleases me.”

  His proclamation startled me into staring at him, my mouth hanging open. “You donated your blood?” I blurted, unable to comprehend why any arrogant asshole like him would do something like donate his blood to a stranger.

  After rolling up his sleeve, he showed off a bandaid. “I offered, so they used this fascinating beeping box to perform a test. The doctor deemed my blood is safe for your use, so they took mine and gave it to you. According to him, we’re rare vintages.”

  O-negative made us great donors, but when it came to receiving blood, we drew the short lot. When it came to transfusions, our blood type had the highest risk of accidental death. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

  Offering a thank you would have been more appropriate, but I figured Eoghan wouldn’t know what to do even if I did manage to choke out the words.

  The nurses remembered they had jobs to do, ordered the men out of the room, and went to work checking my health, questioning me to test my memory, and grilling me about Eoghan and Gordon, the vampire. Since I wasn’t about to relegate myself to being Eoghan’s property or call myself a sacrifice, I dubbed him as a colleague. A colleague sounded harmless enough, and it established we had some form of relationship.

  The real trouble began when a pair of cops and a woman dressed in a blazer and a pencil skirt showed up with Eoghan and Gordon in tow. She belonged in the funeral home, ready to attend a service in her black and white attire.

  “CDC,” the woman barked, showing me her badge. According to the identification card, Cecily Barrows could eat me for lunch on the magical front without chipping one of her perfect nails. “What’s your rating?”

  Great. Why did everyone care about my damned rating? If I wanted people to know I didn’t have a rating, I’d wear a damned sign. “I don’t have one.”

  “I find that unlikely.”

  Ugh. Someone from the CDC must have used a scanner on me while I was unconscious, which meant they had a positive ping for magic. Like every other CDC agent to cross my path, I bet Cecily would fight with me for an hour about my lack of a magic rating. “I ping positive on magic scanners, but I have no known magic. I test out at ninety-percent human, and the DNA tests come back with errors on the rest. It’s as annoying for me as it is for you. And yes, I’ve done every test for unknown magic they’d allow a teen in high school to do, and I registered negative on all of them.”

  The woman’s haughty expression softened. “I expect I am not nearly as annoyed as you are over this. There’s quite the mess at the funeral home. What can you tell me about that, Miss Nash?”

  I could handle answering questions about my job a lot better than I could trying to explain away my shortcomings. “The director had a vampire and a John Doe on ice, and John Doe decided to get up.” I pointed at Eoghan, who arched one of his perfect brows. “He’s our John Doe, and I’m pretty sure he grew up in a time when men wore dresses.”

  “Loin cloths and robes, actually.” He reclaimed his seat by my bed. “I find this garb oddly confining yet comfortable despite its flaws.”

  “And him?” Cecily gestured to Gordon.

  “I think he’s a vampire from the start of this emergence. I donated blood.”

  “We noticed. Your arm will require at least three weeks to fully heal. Primarily, I need you to confirm you willingly donated.”

  “Despit
e the circumstances, I did willingly donate, and I would do so again in a similar position.”

  “Then no laws were broken,” she announced.

  I found that difficult to believe. “By me, you mean? And by him? Gordon wasn’t in a position to contribute to my decision, as he was on ice at the time I decided to donate.” At worst, I’d get a slap on the wrist for donating to a vampire without the proper health checks and permits. “I don’t have a permit to donate to vampires.”

  Maybe I needed to get one; a single donation a month would put me in a better position, and while it had hurt like hell, I remembered my teachers telling us that the CDC had ways of making direct-vein donations somewhat tolerable to donors.

  “That’s correct, Miss Nash. In practical terms, you only need a permit to accept money for a donation to a vampire in need. In a situation where a vampire may become dangerous, it is classified as an act of defense of another, which is not a crime. You came to the assistance of someone in need despite the physical harm you took. At absolute most, the vampire would be liable for your medical care, but the authorities have already notified me that another is responsible for all costs of your care.”

  “Oh, that’s good. I can’t afford to pay any fines. I’m broke.”

  “All of your expenses are being covered,” Cecily promised.

  Careful to avoid moving my injured arm, I pointed at Eoghan and Gordon. “I don’t know what to do with these two, but I think I’m responsible for them now.”

  “The CDC is looking into the matter, but Mr. Olin is the owner of a rather substantial fund. His caretaker’s murder will—”

  “Miss Nash will take over the majority of his responsibilities, if you please.” According to Eoghan’s tone, he didn’t give a rat’s ass if she pleased or not.

  “Miss Nash is cleared to stay in the hospital for a week, after which she will be evaluated to ensure the trauma of the vampire’s bite didn’t awaken any new abilities. According to the scanner, this is probable.”

  “No.” Eoghan scowled, and he flexed his hands. “You will not perform any experiments on her. I forbid it.”

  Well, I had to give him credit. I liked when someone other than me jumped to my general defense. Still, I rolled my eyes at his attitude. “Evaluations aren’t experimentations. They’ll poke me with a few scanners and try to teach me how to do some common magic tricks. It’s no big deal. They’ve been doing this to me for years. It’ll take a few hours at most for them to figure out I don’t have any abilities, and if I do, we’ll all be surprised.”

  Cecily chuckled, and she matched Eoghan’s skeptical expression with one of her own. “Miss Nash will come to no harm. Miss Nash, if you could convince him the CDC is not the evil organization he believes, it would be most appreciated.”

  “Eoghan, behave.”

  Rather than the irritation I expected, the man chuckled. “Should they damage even a single hair on your head, I will dismantle them.”

  For fuck’s sake. “Eoghan, please behave.”

  “I won’t allow them to harm you.”

  “You have control issues and no understanding of how large the CDC is. It’s a global entity. You would not win. As such, you should behave.”

  “You’re mine, and it’s my privilege to protect you.”

  Ugh. In high school, I’d heard the other girls talk about how they wanted a protective man who’d keep the nasties away. Even then, I’d thought of the idea rather odd. Why have someone protect me when I could protect myself? Then again, maybe they’d had the right idea.

  Having someone around to take over some of the burdens of life seemed pretty nice when viewed from a hospital bed. Fortunately, I could knock the man down a few pegs with little effort on my part. “Yet you had no problem with me feeding my arm to Gordon.”

  “Thank you for that, by the way,” the vampire said.

  “You’re welcome. Try not to need that sort of feeding again. That hurt like hell.”

  “I owe you a debt.”

  “See, Eoghan? Look how easy that was. He thanked me, I accepted, I offered a bit of cordial advice with my complaint, and he acknowledged a debt, although I don’t believe one is owed. I did it with zero expectation of repayment. Be more like Gordon.”

  “To win our wager, it was a necessary evil, one I plan on repaying properly. Gordon will meet his final death should he bite you again.”

  “Eoghan, we do not threaten the nice vampire. Look at him. He’s being a perfect gentleman. We don’t threaten friendly gentlemen. That’s rude. What are you? A child? Behave yourself. Anyway, Gordon won’t bite me again. Right, Gordon?”

  “I have been told there are donors who are willing to provide blood,” the vampire replied. “I didn’t ask to be as I am. I just died at the wrong time.”

  “The right time,” Eoghan corrected with a haughty sniff. “Magic doesn’t make mistakes, and you are as you are for a reason. You were chosen by the magic, and it would be a pity for you to be wasted.”

  Within a week, I’d go mad. “Would you please behave?”

  “I am behaving. I haven’t lifted a hand against anyone, not even that physician who made you whimper while repairing your arm.”

  Cecily sighed. “Due to blood loss, there were concerns of how you would react to painkillers. You were eased into the lightest viable dose, but there was a single stitch done that caused you pain. Your companion did not react well to this, but he did tolerably behave himself. He takes his role as your protector quite seriously. Anyway, don’t worry. The CDC has programs in place to help vampires feed. There are volunteers who enjoy the tax benefits and payments of donating, and some criminals are given an option to help feed vampires in exchange for a reduced sentence.”

  I shuddered at the memory of Gordon’s teeth tearing into my arm. “It’s legalized cruel and unusual punishment, and that’s kind of terrible.”

  Cecily’s smile had a sharp edge to it. “The convicts are told precisely what to expect. Those who opt into the program might not see the light of day again otherwise. It also allows the vampires to lay certain beguilements onto those volunteers to ensure they do not repeat the same crimes that landed them into prison in the first place. It is beneficial to the vampires, it is beneficial to society, and it’s ultimately beneficial to the convict, although some emerge from prison changed people.”

  I bet. Gordon’s bite had inevitably changed me—and gave me a healthy respect for vampires in general.

  Eoghan took his time considering the woman, and after a few minutes, he crossed his arms, which revealed the harder edge of tense muscles beneath his clothes. “My thoughts on this matter haven’t changed. Don’t damage even a hair on her head. Even giants can fall.”

  “Noted,” the CDC agent replied.

  It worried me that the woman hesitated to correct the man about his delusions regarding his ability to take out the CDC. “You can’t destroy the CDC, Eoghan.”

  “Why the bloody hell not?”

  “It’s a global organization.”

  “Even giants can fall. I already said that. Anyway, I appreciate a challenge. Should they wish to test their luck, I will be challenged, and I will enjoy it.”

  “Are you insane?” I blurted.

  “No, I’m not insane. I’m merely determined to do my duty and protect you as is proper. That is part of our bargain. If this CDC must fall, so be it.”

  I sighed and wondered how I could convince such a headstrong, displaced idiot about how modern society worked.

  Cecily cleared her throat, catching my attention. “It won’t be an issue, Mr. Olin. We will limit our work with her to non-invasive testing.”

  “Wait. You have invasive testing? Do you use locusts as part of your invasive testing?”

  I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. “She means poke or prod at me physically, Eoghan. The CDC is not an invasive species. Also, locusts?”

  “Those were one of the more invasive pests of my youth. Annoying blighters, locusts. A swarm could destro
y crops in matters of hours, leaving us all to starve. Cursing someone with a plague of locusts was, in my age, quite a foul thing to do, for it was a slow and agonizing death from starvation. As long as this testing is not harmful to you, I will tolerate it.”

  We’d have to work on that. I expected life with Eoghan to create a great deal of trouble for me.

  The ghosts were back.

  I would’ve felt a little better about the situation if they hadn’t liked me. They congregated around my room, some lurking in the walls, some bold enough to manifest near my bedside. Time had reduced most to blurs and faint chills in the air.

  An old woman occupied Eoghan’s chair, wearing the hospital gown she’d died in. “A piece of advice, dear. Don’t order the chicken.”

  Great. Seeing the ghosts was one thing, but talking to them would earn me a one-way trip to the psych ward. I grunted to acknowledge her while contemplating if I could escape from the hospital. According to Eoghan, who meant serious business about keeping me safer than Fort Knox, Gordon would show up sometime after dark to act as my evening babysitter. It amazed me the CDC managed to keep Eoghan away, although I suspect they made a few implications about potentially impairing my health if he hovered while the doctors worked.

  I’d seen that a few times in town. Overprotective men became easily manipulated men when it came to their women. It took subtlety and practice, but the women saddled with overprotective men had ways of taking back control. I regretted my lack of attention to their methods.

  I would need every trick in the book within a week.

  Making a bargain was one thing, but sticking around in the hospital to become a guinea pig for the CDC was another. I disliked the idea of becoming a gopher for an overprotective relic, but I would keep my word. However, Eoghan hadn’t told me I couldn’t leave the hospital. Best of all, I had new, clean clothes, and my purse was in easy reach. To aid in my escape efforts, the nurse had removed the IV’s catheter already. I got out of bed, grabbed my clothes, and ignored the ghosts watching me change.