Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  The devil wanted to know about my errands? “I need a phone, maybe a computer, and I was thinking about getting a television.”

  Something tickled the inside of my head, and I winced at the sensation. “And you have a good truck for taking it all home with you. Excellent.” The devil rubbed his hands together. “I’m in a mood tonight, so call me Lucy. It beats what my daughter has been flinging at me all day. I could use some sensible company, and it’s not often I can take a night off.”

  Okay. The devil wanted sensible company. I looked around, wondering where the hell he was going to find sensible company in my neck of the woods. Shrugging, I gestured in the direction of the cellular service store that actually worked in Sunset somewhat reliably. “What can we do for you, Lucy?”

  “It’s less you and more your companion, Anwen. The dragons beat you awake, Eoghan.”

  Eoghan sighed. “They’re probably the reason I’m awake.”

  “Oh, no. My daughter is why you’re awake. I’d apologize for that, but I’m not at all sorry. It was either that or the beginning of the end. Well, that’s mostly why you’re awake. You were right about there being a node in the area, but it’s not what you think. Alas, you’ll just have to figure that part out. Mostly, you’re here because we missed our date with the beginning of the end.”

  “Already?”

  “We dodged it by a breath.” The devil rolled his shoulders. “We did reach the trigger this time, but we stepped back from the point of no return.”

  Eoghan huffed. “Marvelous. And to think I may have slept through it. Why are you here?”

  “This is an era of new experiences. I’m experiencing something new. Some think you’re the devil, and until now, they’ve never seen us together in the same room. Now Anwen can confirm she’s seen you and the devil sharing the same space, and because we both like Anwen, we won’t even try to kill each other.”

  “You truly believe you’re funny, don’t you?” Eoghan sighed. “Must you be here?”

  “Old prejudices die hard, Anwen. You’ll have your hands full trying to unteach those bad habits of his. In many of the eras he lived, I had such a foul reputation. Unearned, even. Do I look like I eat children to you?”

  “It wouldn’t surprise me,” I replied, leading the way to the cell store serving Sunset. “I see you two know of each other.”

  “We are related closer than he might like,” the devil announced in an amused tone. “I considered showing up earlier, but my daughter was right in the middle of her latest rant, and she absolutely hates when I ditch on her in the middle of her rants. She’s a delight, and she hates when I enjoy when she’s trying to put me in my place.”

  “Who would like something like that?” I asked.

  “Me. I do. It makes life fun.”

  Eoghan sighed. “You must have a purpose coming here. What is it, Lucifer?”

  “Lucy, please. It annoys my daughter when I embrace one of her wretched nicknames for me, and that one turns heads while making my wife laugh.”

  “Fine, Lucy. What do you want?”

  “Can’t I be a benevolent being because I want to?”

  Wrinkling his nose, Eoghan kept close to my side while glaring at the devil. “No. You’re Lucifer. You’re the Lord of Lies. You are not benevolent.”

  “I’m misunderstood more than anything else. Just because I’ve disobeyed and do what I want doesn’t mean I’m not benevolent. I’m disobedient. Those are two different things. Just because I’m the jail warden doesn’t mean I belong in the jail. I am as much of a representation of divine failings as I am the black knight. I have done many a benevolent thing in my life. I will do many more. Perception matters. Absolute sins are a much different thing from perceived sins. For example, take young Anwen here. Should she decide to sleep with every man in the mall tonight, she would be deemed a sinner by the Christian pantheon. She would be praised in others. It would not earn her a place in my hells despite it being deemed a sin. No, my hells are reserved for the absolute sins. That is the point of forgiveness, after all. My hells are reserved for those who have sinned beyond the point of forgiveness. No amount of apologizing will absolve absolute sin. It is my job to safeguard the passage of those souls until they have paid the wages for their sins and have returned to the point of forgiveness.”

  “I got rejected by an incubus this morning, Lucy. There is zero chance I’m going to be sleeping with every man in the mall tonight. There’s also a lot of men in the mall tonight I’m not even realistically compatible with.”

  “You’d just have to get creative.”

  “No.”

  “A pity. We could have made it a party. You could have started with your friend here, and once you tired him out, you could try out the other studs here. You would have had a great time.”

  “No,” I repeated, and I kept marching for the phone store. “I’m curious about why you’re really here, though.”

  “I’m being benevolent, and I’m bored. I hate being bored.”

  “You’re not supposed to meddle,” Eoghan grumbled.

  “I’m a sinner, Eoghan. Were you really expecting me to do anything other than what I want? I obey the universal laws out of necessity, but that’s as far as my tendency to be obedient goes. Of course, I limit my meddling somewhat. If she hadn’t invoked my name, I wouldn’t have popped on over for a chat. That’s just a consequence of her talking about me. Had she not talked about me, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’m not even cheating this time; I’ve no interest in looking into the future of this matter. I just wanted to see you face to face rather than walking in each other’s shadow. This is an era of new experiences, and you would do well to remember that. This era is ripest for you.”

  “Humanity walks through the valley of the shadow of death.”

  Eoghan’s reply startled me into stopping. “Why do you say that?”

  He shrugged, and the devil grinned.

  As the antique didn’t want to talk to me, I focused on the Lord of Lies, wondering if he’d give me a straight answer or offer me a pile of falsehoods and trickery. “If you want an outing, just tell Eoghan what you want from him, then you can help me pick a phone. Until this morning, I was poor, and I just know which one looks prettiest. Now he’s buying me things, and I’m trying to enjoy it while I can.”

  “You’ll be able to enjoy that for a long while, so try not to worry about it much. There will be some hiccups. It’s the hiccups I’m here to address. Eoghan, it would be in your best interest to locate the node here, make it yours, and hold it close. The one who killed your caretaker has interest in it, too. By locating it and possessing it, your quarry will come right to you. I recommend you begin your search at Anwen’s former place of employment. There is much for you to learn there, and there are those who would benefit walking in your shadow.”

  Eoghan scowled. “Why would you say that?”

  “The node you want is not the one making the dead restless, but the one making the dead restless infringes on your territory.”

  Eoghan cursed, and the words spilling out of his mouth made no sense to me, but there was something almost musical to the language he spoke.

  “That is his mother tongue, Anwen. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

  “Very.”

  “His people were long gone before even the Babylonians built their towers and sought the world’s knowledge. His language was long dead before Christianity’s flame first sparked to life. I existed, of course—but I did not exist then as I do now.”

  Eoghan sighed. “She already knows I am old.”

  “Yes, but this will make her question just how old. That is what you want, isn’t it? For her to become curious enough to seek out your secrets?”

  I bit my finger so I wouldn’t grin or laugh at Eoghan’s disgruntled expression. As I suspected the devil might be listening to my every thought, I considered my fledgling plan to lure the antique to my bed and try to seduce answers out of him.

  “That’s a good though
t, Anwen, but you’ll find him terribly prudish about such things. He is stubborn, and you’ll find that stubbornness will become a barrier. I’m sure you’ll figure out how to get to him. There are options to make such a plan work, but you’ll have to get creative. You can also choose to be more aggressive about it. That will win you the result you want, although you’ll deal with a great deal of shock, which will interfere with your desired result.”

  Great. I’d gone from barely tolerating Eoghan’s advances to having to bludgeon the man if I wanted to drag him to bed? Life truly wasn’t fair.

  “What are you talking about?” Eoghan demanded.

  “Your prudish nature.”

  “My nature is not prudish.”

  “Your nature is most definitely prudish in modern society.”

  Enlightenment struck, and I pointed at Eoghan. “You came from a structured patriarchal society, and you probably did things like dowries and sold your daughters for cows!”

  “I do not have any daughters, but I would not sell one for a mere cow even if I did have one. I would not sell her for several cows, either.”

  “In that regard, you’ll be fine, Anwen. He is a most jealous specimen.”

  I rolled my eyes. “He’s currently in love with my truck.”

  “This is true. I’m sure you’ll be able to handle his affections for your truck. Now, about that phone. Why don’t you allow me to help you with that matter? I have a most excellent plan, and it would be prudent if no one could bother you.”

  “No deals,” Eoghan snapped.

  “There’s no deal. My daughter likes telling me I’m an entity of pure evil, so I feel this disgusting compulsion to do random nice things to annoy her. This will heavily annoy her, as she will not be able to comprehend the reasoning behind this act of kindness.”

  “But will your plan work in my town?”

  “My plan works in all towns. If there’s a cellular tower, it’ll work. You’ll like it. It comes with unlimited data, international calling, and it can even reach me in my hells should you have a reason to give me a ring. I’ll even be nice and give you my wife’s number.”

  “Your wife’s number?” I asked.

  “Darlene could use some mortal friends. She gets tired of putting rowdy devils in their place.”

  Okay. I could deal with being friends with the devil’s wife. I could deal with being friends with an angel’s wife, too. “If you don’t think she’ll mind.”

  “She’ll do anything for a chance for those wretchedly sweet coffees she loves, but she rarely strays far from home without an excuse. I keep trying to tell her she can go create trouble whenever she wants, but then she tells me she has to keep me out of trouble. She’s really not all that good at keeping me out of trouble, in case you were wondering.”

  “I really wasn’t, but I’m not surprised. In the slightest.”

  Laughing, the devil grinned at Eoghan. “You should just surrender now.”

  “No one had warned me you enjoy spewing nonsense.”

  The devil shrugged. “I tried, Anwen.”

  He had, and that amazed me. “How do we pay you for the phone plan?”

  “I’ll have one of my minions get in contact with you after we go to the store and pick your phone. And best of all, you can replace your phone at any cellular store. For some reason, mortals try to avoid offending my delicate sensibilities. I’m not sure why,” the Lord of Lies lied.

  “Right. All right, Lucy. Let’s go get your random act of kindness done so you can resume annoying your daughter. It just wouldn’t do to annoy you, would it?” I shook my head at the insanity of it all and led the devil and the antique into a cell phone store, hoping for the best but expecting chaos and possibly some brimstone to go with it.

  Eight

  These are strange times.

  The devil lacked in common sense, and because he didn’t like my cheap purse, he bought me a Prada. I regarded the red leather in confusion. As that wasn’t enough for the Lord of Lies, he insisted on dragging us both into the computer store.

  I did give him credit. The store employees scrambled whenever he made a request, and it took less than thirty minutes to acquire two desktops, two laptops, several tablets, four monitors, and a ridiculous number of cables. The math made no sense to me, but I kept my mouth closed.

  Had I kept better control of my thoughts, the devil might have forgotten about the television, movie player, gaming console, and games.

  To complicate matters, Eoghan and the devil argued about who would be paying the bill. The cashier grinned at the mayhem, and I wanted to climb behind the register and disappear.

  “You two are worse than children,” I muttered, and as I lacked self-preservation skills, I snatched the devil’s credit card out of his hand and gave it to the cashier. “Use this one. It’s a punishment for bad behavior in a public place.”

  Lucy frowned, staring at his empty hand. “Are you sure you’re not already friends with my wife? She used that one on me last week. She also asked if I was raised in a barn. I thought that was particularly amusing.”

  “Were you?”

  “Heaven, a barn… close enough.”

  The cashier swiped the devil’s credit card, printed a receipt, and held it out along with a pen. “Sign here, please.”

  The devil signed. “Eoghan, I recommend you keep a close eye on your woman. She will take you for everything you own and then some if you let her. She is naturally versed in the art of cutting a deal—or making demands and expecting them to be fulfilled to her likings.”

  I rolled my eyes at that. “Or I just got tired of your shit and solved the problem.”

  “Same difference. Now, if you could bring your truck around, we can get this loaded and send you home. As I have been thoroughly amused this evening, I will work a little devilish magic to keep everything in the bed of your truck where it belongs for the trip home. The grocery store down the street is open and has what you want, so do make sure you swing by there on the way.”

  Honey rocks. Like a dog offered a steak, I drooled. I swallowed and failed to control the impulse to lick my lips.

  The devil laughed at me, and as soon as he handed over the signed receipt, he waved me away. “Off you go. I’ll guard your loot and have a chat with your antique.”

  Eoghan scowled. “I am not an antique.”

  “You’re one of the oldest living things on this planet. You most certainly are an antique, and you’re lucky that the lady here has no issues with age gaps, because the gap between you? It’s utterly ridiculous. And I thought the gap between me and my wife redefined insane. But no, you’re even worse.”

  That implied Eoghan had existed before even the devil, and I raised a brow at that. Before either could bring me into their posturing, I escaped, marching across the mall to retrieve my truck and bring it around the building to load everything into the back, questioning everything about my changed life. By the time I made it back, Eoghan glared at the devil and the devil smirked. As the store was still standing and none of the purchases seemed damaged, I decided to ignore them, lowering the tailgate and going for one of the lighter boxes so I could at least look like I was helping get everything loaded.

  Once everything was in, the devil snapped his fingers, and ribbons of blue fire lashed everything down. “Once you’re home, just give the end a tug, and it’ll come out. Don’t worry. It’ll only sting a lot, and it’ll help your arm heal a little quicker, too. He hates when I use holy fire for frivolous things. This is about as frivolous as it gets.”

  With that, the devil vanished with a pop and a faint hint of brimstone.

  “I told you the mall could get weird,” I announced, getting into my truck and unlocking the door so Eoghan could join me. He did, and he buckled up as he’d been taught. “I was not expecting him to show up.”

  Lesson learned: I would not invoke the devil’s name unless I could accept him showing up at his leisure.

  “The world has changed.”

&nbs
p; Poor Eoghan. “I’m sure it has. But think about it this way. I just goosed the devil for thousands of dollars in really, really cool stuff, and after we go to the grocery store, we can haul it all into the house, set up the important things, and have dinner. I fully intend on having some pixie dust before bed, too. I need to get you a bed.”

  “I find your couch to be quite comfortable.”

  “Beds are much more comfortable than couches. You can afford a bed, and I have a room upstairs you can share with Gordon. I can also turn the basement into a bedroom, too. There’s nothing down there, but we’ll have to clean it somewhat.” I checked the map for the location of the open grocery store, tapped on it, and had Lady Luck guide me to my honey rocks. While open, the grocery store parking lot was abandoned save for two other vehicles, and I parked near the front doors so I could run in. “We probably shouldn’t leave the truck unattended.”

  “Lucifer warned me you would be worried, and he told me no one will notice anything in the truck.”

  Well, then. “Come on out, then, and I’ll show you the grocery store. It can be another lesson about the modern world.”

  With a little luck, we wouldn’t run into anything else crazy, but all bets were off in a world ruled by magic. Once, it had rained frogs because a gorgon passing through town had thought it was a good idea to try her hand at practitioner magic.

  “Is it not just a type of market?”

  “It is a type of market, but it won’t be what you’re expecting.” I led him inside and headed for the fresh produce section. Sure enough, the devil had spoken the truth; honey rocks waited for me along with other types of cantaloupes, honey dews, and watermelons. I grabbed a cart, and I began the tedious process of checking for the best honey rocks. I picked four, thought about all the times I’d wanted one and couldn’t have them, and got four more. I might turn into a honey rock, but I would regret nothing. I refused to regret anything.

  Eight honey rocks would fall to my gluttony.

  “What are these?” Eoghan asked, picking up one of the honey rocks I’d considered, which would hit the perfectly ripe phase in a day or two.