Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

Well, I supposed he could be a she, but until I identified the dogs gender, he was a he, and that was that.

  I cracked open the door, and the dog flicked one of its half-flopped ears in my direction. Old scars marred the animal’s nose, and I pegged him as a stray. “Hey, baby.”

  The baby woofed at me, and he lifted a paw as though to shake with me.

  Okay. I could work with that. If I contracted rabies, I’d go see someone at the CDC and get treatments. I stepped outside, crouched, and put my hand out for the puppy to shake with me. He placed his paw on my palm, and I shook with him. “Good baby. What are you doing out here? The neighbors don’t like strays, so you’re just going to have to come inside and become my pet.”

  The dog flicked an ear back, but as he otherwise didn’t show any signs of aggression, I released his paw and held my hand closer to his nose so he could sniff. He did, and when that went well, I scratched behind his ears and praised him for being a good boy.

  Then I opened the door to see if I could lure my new pet inside.

  My new pet did not seem inclined to enter my house.

  “It’s nicer in the house, and I’ll give you a nice bath, clean your fur, and transform you into a prince.”

  “What are you doing, Anwen?” Gordon asked.

  “There’s a puppy on the steps. I’m trying to adopt him. He looks like an older dog, and he could use a few good meals. The assholes down the street shoot strays.”

  “How uncouth.”

  “You stole that from Eoghan, didn’t you?”

  “It seems I have. This dog is friendly?”

  “He offered his paw to shake, and he let me pet him. He could use a bath. He’s a little dirty.” By a little, on second look, I really meant a lot. “I’ve never had a dog before. I couldn’t afford one, and I promised I’d never get an animal I couldn’t afford. It’s not fair to the dog. But I love dogs, Gordon.”

  “Could the dog not be someone’s pet?”

  I didn’t like the idea of my new dog being someone’s pet. “I’ve never seen him around town before.”

  “Why don’t you bring him in, give him a bath, and then start looking around to see if someone from a nearby town lost their dog. That’s the polite thing to do.”

  “But I don’t want to be polite. I want a dog.”

  “You can get a dog after this one is returned to his owners, should he have owners.”

  I considered that. “Okay, I suppose that’s fair. But I should take him to the vet for a checkup.”

  “You may not need to if you find his owner quickly.”

  While that was true, I scowled at the interference in my plan to have a dog. “But what if he’s sick?”

  Gordon got off the couch, stayed out of the direct sunlight, and eyed the dog. “He looks healthy enough to me. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Do you even have anything you need to care for a dog?”

  “No, but I have a truck. Using my truck, I can get everything I need to care for a dog.”

  “I see you were quite serious about your love of dogs.”

  I nodded, and I scratched the stray behind his ears. “I have a back yard. He might be happy back there.”

  “He might be happy digging up the melons you want to plant, too.”

  I frowned at that. “He can live in the house, too. I do not mind walking a dog, especially if he’s mine.”

  “Why don’t you try finding his owner first before you decide you own him. Someone might be missing their dog.”

  I heaved a sigh. “Fine, I’ll go check if there’s a listing for a missing dog like him. But if I don’t find one, I’m taking my truck, I’m buying supplies, and I’m going to lure my new dog into the house and keep him.”

  Gordon sighed and returned to the couch. “Whatever makes you happy, Anwen.”

  “Not having to look for his owner would make me happy!”

  The vampire laughed. “You’ll live.”

  “Maybe I’ll live, but maybe I’ll perish from a broken heart from not being able to keep such a cute dog.”

  “He’s uglier than hell, Anwen. He looks like he got into a knife fight and barely escaped with his life. He is not precisely cute.”

  “But look at his ears.”

  “They are ears. What is special about them?”

  I gestured to the dog and his scarred face and ears. “They’re floppyish.”

  “Floppyish?”

  “A little floppy but not all the way floppy. They’re adorable.”

  “Are you sure you slept well enough last night? He is a very ugly dog.”

  “I slept fine. I just really like dogs.” I attempted to coax the dog into the house again, and the animal ignored me, remaining on my front step and keeping a close eye on the lawn. Sighing, I debated leaving the door open so the pooch could invite himself in, but I opted against it.

  Bugs would accept the invitation before the dog would, and I didn’t need an insect infestation to go with my other problems. My problems had improved somewhat, however. My arm no longer counted as a problem, and I’d have to thank the devil for that somehow.

  I’d probably call his wife and thank him that way. A happy wife meant a happy husband, or so ‘they’ said.

  Closing the door, I retrieved my new laptop, booted it up, used my new phone as my internet connection, and began a tedious search for my dog’s owner—if he had an owner.

  Sometimes, doing the right thing sucked, but in any case, I’d do my best to make sure the dog had a good home.

  After several hours of searching every dog rescue, shelter, and listing for missing dogs, I came to the conclusion everyone took close care of their big, black dogs that weren’t labradors. In a fifty mile radius, I couldn’t find a single missing dog listing matching my pup’s description. When I went to check on the dog, he’d moved off my front steps to lounge on the grass.

  “Gordon, I’m going to get a bag of dog food and some bowls. Even if he won’t come into the house, I want to feed him. I haven’t found anything yet. I’ll probably run some errands while I’m out, so I’ll be a few hours.”

  The vampire grunted at me, which I assumed meant he wouldn’t remember a damned thing come nightfall, as I rarely did when somebody bothered me while I was sleeping. I wrote a note, left it on the coffee table, and grabbed my keys, new purse, and everything else I might need for an adventure into town.

  It occurred to me if I headed a few miles down the road, I could go to the bookstore, get a few novels, and start a library of my own. I’d repay Eoghan for using his account with interest after I got my first check.

  I stopped long enough to pet the dog before climbing into the cab of the truck and starting the engine, grinning at the rumble. Yep, maybe Lady Luck had seduced Eoghan first, but she made my greedy little heart happy, too.

  After I plugged the address in for the bookstore into the navigation system, I backed the truck out of my driveway, keeping a careful eye on the dog so I wouldn’t hit him if he decided to play a game of chase my truck.

  He stayed put, yawning and showing off his teeth before resting his head on his paws to take a nap on the grass.

  I’d have to get him some bones to chew on, too. A collar went onto my mental list, one with my address on it, which might deter the asshole neighbors from taking pot shots at the stray.

  One trip to the bookstore, a pet store, and a furniture store later, and I had everything needed to turn my house into a home for three, enough material to teach Eoghan how to read English, a dog bed, bowls, treats, food, a collar, and a leash. I needed to hit another store for bookcases, but I’d do that after I got everything else home.

  The dog had moved to my front step again, and one of my crankier neighbors stood at the end of my driveway, eyeing the animal with a scowl fixed in place. Given a single excuse, Jeff Henrys would get his shotgun and put an end to the stray, which meant I’d have to take steps.

  Step one involved pulling up in the driveway and letting the engine growl at the old coot. “Hurt that do
g, and the cops get your name,” I warned, parking and climbing out without any care if I banged the bastard with the door. He wisely got out of my way. I snagged the bag with the collar, new tags, and leash. Without bothering to wait for Jeff’s reply, I went to my porch, crouched in front of the dog, and slipped the bright red leather around his neck, buckling it into the place. “There you go, buddy. Now if you get lost, somebody can give me a call.”

  I scratched him behind his ears.

  The front door opened, and while careful to avoid the sunlight, Gordon poked his head outside. “He’s been staring at the dog for the past hour, grumbling to himself. He doesn’t seem like he’s willing to step onto your property much.”

  “That’s because I’m an asshole, and he knows the people who own the house, and they’re bigger assholes than I am.”

  “That your dog, Anwen?” Jeff asked.

  “He’s a stray I’m adopting, so as of now, yes, he is. I’ve looked high and low for his owner, and there ain’t anyone missing a dog like him around here.”

  “Ain’t nobody dumb enough to keep a dog that ugly around here.”

  I snorted at that. “Except me, so don’t you be calling my dog ugly, Henrys. I’ve a mind to teach him to guard the place, and I’ve also a mind to teach him you’re bad news. And don’t you think I won’t be calling the cops and demanding an angel if you think you can come shoot my dog when I’m not looking.”

  “That’s not neighborly of you.”

  “Neither is shooting my dog.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “I reckon you’re right on that. You try to keep that dog where he belongs, then.”

  “Or just give me a call if he shows up. He’s got a lot of learning to do, and I’d rather there be no misunderstandings. I’ll make the whole damned town answer to an angel if somebody hurts him.”

  I supposed my open aggression on the matter startled him almost as much as it startled me. I’d spent the last few years of my life keeping my head down to avoid being the talk of the town.

  “Fair enough. You’ve got men around. Who are they?”

  “One is my new boss, who is new to town and needs a place for a while. The other is a vampire I’m keeping an eye on for the CDC. I get better pay and company this way.”

  Jeff relaxed, and he grunted. “Mind if I come say hi to your mutt?”

  To be safe rather than sorry, I clipped the leash to my pup’s collar. “Come on up. This is Gordon. He’s the vampire. If you’re looking for some cash and pass the tests, the CDC might want a few extra donors. Eoghan, my new boss, is out right now, but I’m sure you’ll see him around.”

  Chances for extra cash came few and far between, and the old man’s eyes lit up. “I’m fitter than a fiddle, you know.”

  Yeah, I knew. He was also a rat bastard and liked to cause trouble anywhere he could for the fun of it. “You sure are.”

  He came up on the porch, and the dog flicked an ear back but otherwise behaved. “You sure you want to keep this mutt, Anwen? He’s got mean eyes.”

  “He’s nice to me, and I don’t really much care if he’s mean to people who shouldn’t be at my house. Sounds like he’ll make a good guard dog once I teach him where the property lines are and train him to stay where he belongs.”

  “Fair.” Jeff crouched, and because he was as stupid as he was annoying, he held his hand out to the dog. The dog turned his head and refused to sniff his fingers. “I reckon he don’t like me much.”

  “Well, you were probably standing over there debating if you wanted to shoot him while he was on my porch. Dogs aren’t stupid.”

  “Right. I won’t cause any trouble, and I’ll spread the word to leave your mutt alone. Just try to keep him to your yard where he belongs.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  “Those men will be sticking around?”

  “For a while. My boss is looking into business opportunities in this area.” While not necessarily the truth, it wasn’t a lie, either. Business opportunities meant new jobs, and nobody wanted to annoy someone who might bring new jobs into the area.

  “What about those winged folk who came around?”

  “They were asking questions about the funeral home.”

  “Ah. McGregor. Right pity about him.”

  The dog turned his ears back, and I didn’t need angelic abilities to recognize the bastard lied. “Just don’t let him hear you saying anything like that. As far as I know, they haven’t gotten him to go back to his grave where he belongs yet, not with everything going on.”

  Jeff grimaced at that. “That just ain’t right, Anwen.”

  “Respect the dead, and you won’t have to worry about it, now will you? And if you hear anything suspicious, you do the right thing and tell the cops about it.”

  “Suspicious?”

  Sometimes, staring at the local idiots and waiting got the results I wanted, and it didn’t take long for Jeff to clue in what I meant.

  “Look, just because most of us didn’t like the old bastard…”

  I kept staring.

  “Now, you look here, missy.”

  “I have an angel’s phone number, Jeff. And should I find there’s been suspicious things goin’ on round here that cost that poor old man his life, I’ll call. I don’t really give a damn if you didn’t like him. I don’t like you much right now for looking at my dog the way you did, and you don’t see me going out of my way to get you off my lawn, now do you? I don’t care if people didn’t like him. If you’ve heard something suspicious, maybe you should let somebody know, because that just ain’t right.”

  “His wife got tired of him, and she bought a bottle of the stuff he likes best and put it out of reach, and he liked his liquor enough he took the bait and paid for it. Maybe if he hadn’t been such a drunk, he’d be alive right now.”

  Poor Old Man McGregor. “That wasn’t too hard, now was it? Everyone in town know about this?”

  “Exceptin’ a few, we know.”

  “Do the right thing, Jeff. And that don’t mean toss McGregor under a bus because nobody liked him all that much. Sure, he was an annoying old man, but he was nicer than most around here.”

  “Pardon?”

  “You heard me. From where I’ve been sitting, he’s been nicer to me than most of the rest of you combined, so don’t make me go do the right thing when you all should have been better. And I don’t need a high school diploma to have a sense of decency. And maybe if you all had a sense of decency, well, maybe I’d have a high school diploma right now, but that’s how towns like this are. You all are good at pretending, though, I’ll give you that.”

  “Pretending?”

  “Looking the other way when my folks come around and try to take me for even more money I don’t have, screaming at my door, and making themselves the talk of the town as usual.”

  “Looks like those men helped you grow a spine,” Jeff replied with a raised brow.

  “No, sir. She had the spine all along. She’s just stopped caring what you’ll think about her because she valued her previous job. She’s under no such restrictions now.” Gordon smiled, and he showed off his pointed incisors. “Should you see Director Hammel around, do give the police a call. He’s got a great deal of explaining to do.”

  “What’s he done now, anyway?”

  “Killed a good man and ushered others to their graves as well.” The vampire crouched in the doorway and rested his hand on the stray’s back. “Don’t trust that one. He’s a snake in a man’s clothing.”

  “Not a wolf?” Jeff asked.

  “I’d trust a wolf long before I trusted Director Hammel, and I recommend you adopt the same beliefs.” Gordon rose and retreated into the house. “Have you finished your errands for today, Anwen?”

  “Not quite. I have one more outing to do, but then I’ll be done.”

  Jeff checked his watch. “Then you best be going, Anwen. Stores close soon.”

  Our stores did, but I’d have to drive thirty minutes out to get the bookcas
es I wanted. “Thanks.”

  To make it clear I wouldn’t be scared off by an old man with an attitude, I unclipped the dog’s leash and began ferrying my new pet supplies into the house. I put a bowl of food and water on the top step for him along with the bed, which barely fit beneath the tiny porch’s overhang. I’d have to step over the bed to get into the house, but some prices were worth paying.

  The stray wasted no time eating his lunch, and satisfied with my good deed of the day, I left on my last errand.

  Ten

  The world was a weird place.

  Sometime after buying bookcases and loading my truck with my new prizes, I learned the hard way that solid objects and my head didn’t mix. Had I been given a choice in the matter, I would have just gone home. The company sucked, my stomach churned, and I put some serious thought into throwing up on Director Hammel’s shoes. He hated even the slightest scuff on his perfect, polished shoes.

  Asshole.

  The basement, or whatever other concrete, unfurnished hellhole he’d brought me to, was in dire need of some renovations, a dusting, and mold removal. Worse, it reeked, and I didn’t want to know what I was smelling.

  I doubted a shower would remove the creepy-crawly sensation on my skin. A long soak in bleach might help.

  “You could have called,” I complained.

  “And lead the police directly to me? Nonsense. I was generous and had an associate tip off the police about your disappearance. Unfortunately, the kidnapper, some fool I hired, has already reached his expiration date, which will lead anyone checking into your disappearance to a chain of dead ends.” The asshole nudged me with his pristine shoe. “You have created a great deal of trouble for me. While I was tempted to kill you outright, you have information I can use—and you’ll be useful for the next stage of my operation.”

  “I have information you can use?” While sitting up hurt and made my stomach churn more, I swallowed to keep the nausea controlled. When I threw up, it’d be on my terms, damn it—and on his perfect shoes. “You want to know about the vampire? I guess you already knew about the body, since you probably put him there.”