Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  The devil grumbled, and he stomped a foot. I realized he’d abandoned any attempts to appear truly human, exchanging feet for cloven hooves. Blue fire smoldered in cracks in the ground.

  Director Hammel screamed, and I twitched at the shrill sound, checking in on the bastard.

  He stood on a gravestone, and one of the undead had decided to take a bite out of his shoe. Attempting to kick the undead off did no good, as every time he managed to detach the skeletal head, it hung on while the rest of the body continued to move and restored itself. I covered my mouth and giggled. “That’s rather awful but also hilarious.”

  “If this were a zombie apocalypse film, he’d be infected right now, and you’d have to put him out of his misery by the end of the film,” the devil replied with laughter in his voice. “This is only an echo of the misery he’s inflicted on others, yourself included. I’m sure you’ll start feeling guilt over his misfortunes soon enough. If it makes you feel better, he helped hide evidence that old man you so like was helped to his grave.”

  I scowled at that. “I get he’s annoying, but why would so many work so hard to hide his murder? That’s not even fair.”

  “More people like his wife than like him, and mortals are foolish creatures. They forget the good even the annoyances do. Well, most annoyances. That one hasn’t done much good. But, you’ll need him in the upcoming days. Don’t break him until he’s finished his final purpose.”

  “What is his final purpose?” I asked.

  “While that’s a most excellent question, some things are best left for you to decide—and you already know the answer if you stop to think about it for a while. It’ll be obvious soon enough. Ah. There’s your male. You should leash him. Azrael, do keep an eye on the children while they finish their play. I have work to do preparing a proper welcome for that one.”

  “Only because you’re going to be particularly welcoming to that one will I do as you ask of me,” the angel replied.

  The devil vanished, leaving some smoke and trails of blue fire on the ground in his wake.

  I turned on my gravestone to discover Eoghan and Gordon approaching, and both men looked rather miffed. “You found Eoghan!”

  “That wasn’t difficult, although your dog ran off. I knew where he was the whole time. We can find your dog later. He’s rather swift.”

  “Well, he’s a stray. He’s collared and my number is on it, so if someone picks him up, they’ll call me or just bring him to the house. It’ll be fine. I’ll just put food out for him and hope he comes back for his supper. He might just have been scared off by the undead. I’ll have to admit, I thought about running for a few moments, but then I was told this spot was safe, and so I stayed put. It’s been safe so far, so I’m pretty all right with this. I can’t buy this sort of entertainment, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this before.”

  Eoghan sighed. “You cannot stay out of trouble, can you?”

  “It seems not. I hope you can tolerate his screaming. I’d say I’m sorry he’s screaming, but the jackass deserves it, so I’m not sorry at all.”

  “Angelic justice is a brutal thing. Remind me not to stir your ire. You do not play around. I can tolerate these screams. They are earned. Someone brought Lady Luck back to your home along with your things. Cecily asked me to call her as soon as you’re found, although I think we shall wait until our angelic company departs.”

  “Why would I depart? I live here.” Azrael pointed at the entrance to the catacombs. “I will take up stewardship of the Book of Life in the meantime.”

  Right. The book. I held it out to Eoghan. “I thought this might be in your language, so I wanted to show it to you when I found it.”

  Eoghan’s expression turned neutral, and he took the book from me, and like Azrael, he stroked his fingers across the cover. “Yes, this is written in my native language. I know this book well.”

  “That you do,” Azrael agreed. “You’ve changed little since I last saw you. You are called Eoghan in this age?”

  “So it seems.”

  Azrael said something in a different language, his words almost musical in how he spoke them, each intonation sliding into the other with a dancer’s grace. Eoghan listened, he smiled, and he answered.

  I’d been right. Having someone speak to Eoghan in his own language mattered, and I turned to Gordon. “How did he handle news I’d gotten clobbered on the head and dragged off?”

  “As we were unaware you’d been clobbered on the head and only aware you’d been dragged off, better than he would have reacted had he known you’d been clobbered on the head before being dragged off. He was quite displeased.”

  “Can you clarify that for me?”

  “He’s probably debating if he wants to wade into that mass of undead and add to the screaming.”

  Great. I’d have to figure out how to cool his temper. “Well, I’m mostly fine. I’ll be totally fine once this headache goes away.”

  “I wish you the best of luck convincing him of that. He is also rather displeased he could not come riding to your rescue as is proper. He wanted a horse for this purpose.”

  I thought about that, as I’d never been able to afford a horse and liked them. “Can he put that idea on hold? I like horses.”

  Gordon chuckled. “He was rather displeased to discover your back yard was not sized for a horse. We had been discussing that before we received word you had been kidnapped. I’m sure he would not be bothered by planning such a thing should you enjoy it.”

  Hell yeah, I’d enjoy it. “I’m enjoying those vengeful dead scuffing Director Hammel’s shoes, too.”

  The angel and Eoghan continued to speak, and the pair ignored the mayhem on the other side of the graveyard. Director Hammel lost his shoe to one of the undead, and they tossed it around in a demented game which resembled a mix of soccer and football. Gordon observed the chaos, and he raised a brow. “That’s quite a lively gathering involving such a high number of corpses. Did he raise the entire graveyard?”

  “I think so, and Azrael said he had asked mischievous souls to handle the work.”

  Director Hammel lost his other shoe, and one of the skeletons ran off with it, crouched, and chewed on it. Another joined in, and they tugged on it with such enthusiasm it broke in half.

  His socks went next, and when the skeletal fingers went to work on his pants, Director Hammel dove off the gravestone and ran like the devil had taken chase. He broke through the throng of skeletons and collided with the green and gold barrier surrounding the cemetery.

  Azrael turned, stretched his wings, and spoke a word. The undead halted, turned, and marched away from the beleaguered man. One by one, they returned to their graves, and the dirt settled over them. When the last of the bodies settled into the ground, the angel spoke another word, and green light washed over the ground, restoring the grass and flowers.

  “It is finished,” Azrael announced, and he vanished.

  The barrier encasing the cemetery came down, and Director Hammel fled into the night.

  Thirteen

  Can I kill them?

  I returned the Book of Life to the catacombs, closed off the entry, and called the police using Eoghan’s phone to report Director Hammel had been behind my kidnapping and that he’d brought me to the cemetery. I glossed over many of the details, although I did say I’d been dumped into the mausoleum, and I had escaped with a little help from Eoghan and Gordon, who had been searching for me.

  The cops made assumptions, and I allowed them to maintain their false beliefs.

  It was a lot easier than trying to explain how the devil and an angel of death had descended on Sunset, Alabama and turned the place upside down.

  The sun crept over the horizon when the police finally allowed me to go home, and I took the quickest shower in my life before sitting down at my kitchen table to make friends with a honey rock. I woke in bed with no memory of how I’d gotten there, and Eoghan sat at my feet, holding out a plate of sliced melon. “Eat this s
o you don’t try to eat me, please.”

  Eating in bed hadn’t been something I’d done since I’d been little, primarily because I’d never had anyone to bring me anything to me. Once in the kitchen, I could never justify sitting anywhere other than the table. My stomach growled, and I accepted his offering. “Thank you.”

  “You sat at your table in the morning, flopped, and mumbled about your precious honey rocks before passing out, so I brought you to bed. You’ve been asleep for six hours, and Cecily suggested I wake you up and get something into you so you don’t starve, as it was unlikely you’d had anything after you were grabbed. Director Hammel is still at large, and he is being charged with murder, attempted murder, kidnapping, concealing a murder, and a long list of things involving the death of my caretaker. It seems Azrael visited the police before returning to the catacombs to make it clear they should address certain matters.”

  “Address certain matters?”

  “Regarding Mr. McGregor. He is, in case you were curious, fishing at the river and rather enjoying his unlife. It seems his business is still unfinished, but he’s in no hurry to move on to the next life. A priest attempted to lay him to rest, and he laughed and said he might listen to a higher power, but he had no intentions of listening to someone who didn’t mind his murder.”

  Poor Old Man McGregor. “That’s different. Usually they move on when the priest comes.”

  “He has a strong will and he died before his rightful time. When his rightful time comes, he will head to his next life on his own unless someone convinces him to leave early. That’s the doing of the node. The node seems to understand the proper time and place for life and death.” Eoghan frowned, and deep lines creased his brow. “The Book of Life may be responsible. I never believed it’d be here of all places.”

  “Is it the node?”

  “No. It’s certainly an object of great power, but it’s not one of the nodes. I don’t know where those are at. I fear Director Hammel may know, however—even if he doesn’t realize what he has. Attempting to break a universal law could bring disaster to everyone, and what he perceived as a success will forever be a failure.”

  “Azrael said his wife would be forever free from him.”

  “Angels cannot lie. Even I know this truth. They cease to be angels should a falsehood leave their lips. Circumstance can change, but that would not change that they had spoken the truth at the time of its speaking. At that point in time, he believed this to be true. It probably is.”

  “The devil said he had plans for Director Hammel.”

  “That would explain the angel’s confidence. How are you feeling?”

  I devoured the first of my honey rock slices, sighing happily over its delicate sweetness. “Much better now that breakfast is a honey rock.”

  “Your head? Gordon said you’d been hit in the head.”

  “It’s all right. It aches a little, but that’s it.” I ate another slice of my honey rock. “He wanted to know about you.”

  “I hope you told him I was his death in the flesh.”

  “I went with mostly honest with a side dish of setting him up to underestimate your general willingness to kill him. I cooperated because I didn’t feel like giving him any excuses to kill me.”

  Eoghan made a thoughtful sound in his throat. “That will do. That was wise of you. Good work.”

  “You asked the devil for help.”

  “I demanded help, and I refused to bargain with him. And while I am appropriately grateful for his assistance, I owe him nothing, not even a favor.”

  “You can still be nice to him.”

  “I intend to be cordial.”

  I expected that was the best I’d get out of Eoghan. “Have you seen my dog?”

  “While I have heard about this animal, I have not seen him personally. I will let you know if he shows up. The food that was put out for him has been pilfered, likely by said animal.”

  “You don’t like my dog?”

  “I haven’t met your dog. I have no problems with dogs. I like dogs. I will tell you should I see the stray. Your neighbors were inquiring why Director Hammel might want you. I was rather displeased with their tone.”

  Ah. Yeah. I could understand that. “Well, he’s a known entity. I’m the local dropout who couldn’t even manage to leave Sunset.”

  “Things are about to become more complicated for you.”

  I tensed. “How so?”

  “Sunset is being invaded by a rather heavenly host, and they have taken much interest in the cemetery, the catacombs beneath it, and Azrael’s awakening. This, unfortunately, has resulted in the angels paying us a visit.”

  Shit. “There are angels here?”

  “The devil is here, too. They have taken over the kitchen, which is why I opted to bring you your breakfast. I thought you’d appreciate eating in peace.”

  I needed another nap, a hit of pixie dust, and some painkillers. My honey rock would have to serve as a substitute for all of those things, although I could hit up some of the painkillers. The pixie dust would make me a menace to those who could wipe me out of existence with the wave of their perfect hands. “How many angels?”

  “Two archangels, the devil, and that angel and incubus who had visited us before.”

  I struggled to process the presence of two archangels in my home. “Which two?”

  “Michael and Gabriel.”

  I gulped. “And Azrael? Is he an angel or an archangel?”

  “He is an archangel as well. He is likely in the catacombs checking on all of its many residents and making certain they have not been disturbed.”

  “There are three archangels and the devil here? In Sunset?” I gulped, and to console myself with the insanity, I ate another slice of my honey rock. “But why?”

  “You’ll have to ask the devil. He brought them.”

  Somehow, things had gotten even more complicated. “And Director Hammel?”

  “I suspect his meddling with forbidden magics is why they are here. He has put things into motion—dangerous things.”

  “Well, waking Azrael probably counts as one of those dangerous things.”

  “You would be right. Azrael isn’t the only one to awaken, and Director Hammel will regret his choices before this is done.”

  “You,” I guessed.

  “You would be correct. I am not nearly as kind a being as Azrael, as you will learn as soon as I get my hands on Director Hammel.”

  A week ago, I would have been concerned. Now, the thought of the bastard facing the consequences for his actions made me smile. “I look forward to it.”

  “I will do my best to keep from disappointing you, then.”

  A blue-banded archangel sat on my table with a scarlet-banded one, and something about them unsettled me. An uncomfortable feeling grew in my chest, and I halted in the doorway, debating what I should do about the sensation, if I could do anything about it.

  “It is the influx of divinity,” one of the archangels announced. “It shall pass. Stay there until you adapt if you would like.”

  Lucy waved at me from his seat at the table. “The blue one is Michael, the red one is Gabriel, and you’ve already met Dimitri. His incubus is prowling the street in search of trouble, and Azrael is admiring your truck. He is discovering the toys of this age are amusing, and that might keep him awake for a while.”

  “Nice to meet you, I think.”

  The angels laughed, and the devil grinned at me.

  Eoghan leaned against my refrigerator, crossed his arms over his chest, and scowled.

  “What brings the devil, three archangels, an angel, and an incubus over? Had I known an entire heavenly host would be visiting, I would have at least tried to clean first.”

  The devil leaned back in his chair, balancing it on two legs. “We’re here to discuss Sunset’s fate.”

  Uh oh. “That does not sound promising. What do you mean by Sunset’s fate?”

  “That director has put some things into motion tha
t cannot be stopped. He has awoken the fates, he has summoned death itself to Sunset. Both have consequences. Death had already begun awakening in earnest. Add in the node here, and it was inevitable, I suppose. Some things are. Using the Book of Life contained some of the consequences, but not all. Sunset’s fate can still be altered, but it will require work on your part.”

  “On my part?”

  “We have rules we must follow—the universal laws. Mortals are often cheerfully unaware of the universal laws. Few immortals can bend said laws. Death is one of them, but even Death cannot break all the universal laws—only a few.”

  “Wait. I thought death was one of the universal laws. You can’t raise the dead and bring them back to life.

  “No, not precisely. Death, the event, is not the same as Death, the being. Death is a being of three parts. Azrael is one of those parts.” The devil leaned to the side and hollered, “Azrael, come be useful.”

  The archangel representing death appeared in the kitchen. “You have a lovely truck, Anwen. Would you permit me to ride in it soon? I would like to try this.”

  “Sure. I don’t mind taking you for a drive.”

  “My many thanks, Anwen.”

  Life had become strange, and I wondered what the town would say about me taking an archangel for a ride in my truck. “Death is a being of three parts. Azrael is the best known of them. He shepherds souls as a being of law and order. Then there is the neutral version of Death, who welcomes all.”

  I sucked in a breath. “Eoghan had mentioned death being neutral.”

  Eoghan scowled. “Azrael and I do not see eye-to-eye on this matter.”

  “You can’t see eye-to-eye with him. He’s hiding his head,” I replied.

  The devil burst into laughter. “Yes. All angels hide their heads. There is a good reason for that. To look upon the face of an angel is to look upon His face, and that would result in the destruction of the mortal form. His face is only meant for those who have moved beyond this realm—and those who look upon His face cannot remember it here.”