Grave Humor

by RJ Blain

  I shrugged. “I haven’t fallen over dead yet. I figure I probably should have in the catacombs when I saw that carving. I know I’m not a perfect person, and that’s what angels are, right? They’re what we might have been, and that is what kills us—that we can never match what we could have been if only we were perfect.”

  “This is the truth,” Azrael said.

  “I haven’t had this much fun since arguing with your little girl about destroying cities,” Gabriel said. “She’s not going to figure out what truly matters despite the hints you’ve been dropping. It is a place her thoughts simply will not go. Either tell her or don’t, but nudging her will not work, just as it hasn’t worked on any of the others who have walked similar paths. Be kind, Lucifer.”

  The devil grinned rather unrepentantly. “I can’t help it. It’s my nature. I was born bad. Being kind is such a drag. Don’t ruin my fun. I get so little of it.”

  Yep, the Lord of Lies was spouting bullshit, and even I could tell.

  As calling out the devil wouldn’t make a difference, I considered the situation for a few moments before saying, “I walked through the valley of the shadow of death when Gordon bit me. I stepped on both sides of the wall dividing the living and dead. I figure that’s why I saw those carvings. I was neither dead or alive for a while, right? So I can see things I shouldn’t as a result.”

  “Ah,” Azrael said, and he relaxed. “I understand now.”

  “I told you when you read from the Book of Life,” the devil replied, his tone smug. “I told you in no uncertain terms what had happened. I’ll admit, I cheated a little and peeked. It’s good to be me.”

  “I didn’t think to check,” Azrael confessed.

  “You trusted me, the Lord of Lies, with critical information. Most would call that a mistake.”

  “Heaven help us all,” Azrael muttered.

  Only one question remained I could ask, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. “Who am I, then?”

  “I will not tell you, but I will give you the key you need to answer the question on your own,” the devil replied. “You are the day to his night, you are the yin to his yang, you are everything he is not, he is everything you are not. You are the alpha to his omega.”

  “I’m the alpha to his omega? The beginning to his end?” I asked, something about the phrasing almost as unsettling as the presence of so much divinity in my kitchen.

  “Just a facet of it,” the devil replied before he vanished in a cloud of yellow smoke that reeked of brimstone.

  Fourteen

  This is like the start of a bad joke.

  Taking Azrael for a spin in my truck was the most normal part of my day. The Archangel of Death rode in the bed, standing so he could look over the roof and enjoy the wind. Eoghan claimed his usual seat, and Michael and Gabriel crammed into the back of the cab. Dimitri had wisely fled with his incubus husband to return to their wife.

  “This is like the start of a bad joke,” I said, debating where I’d take my unusual passengers. Through the heart of town might do. If I was going to be the focus of the rumor mill, I wanted to give them something worth talking about. “There’s no punchline, though.”

  “Well, we could stand in a line and punch people if you’d like,” Gabriel offered.

  “Once upon a time, I’d believed angels were supposed to be kind beings. I have learned this is not the truth.”

  The archangels snickered, and Gabriel replied, “In some ways, we’re rather human, aren’t we?”

  “You’re annoying,” Eoghan grumbled.

  They laughed.

  “Stop picking on the archangels, Eoghan. They’re our guests.”

  “They’re contaminating Lady Luck.”

  I joined the archangels laughing. “It’s just a ride in the truck for a while, Eoghan. They’re not contaminating Lady Luck. Be nice. Just be glad the other one went back to causing trouble elsewhere. He’d fight with his brothers in the back because he can—or he’d be riding in the bed with Azrael to help scare half the town. Hey, you two archangels. I’m going to dump you at the cemetery with your brother before I go home. I’m going to have lunch and go back to bed, as my head still hurts.”

  “I will lay the groundwork of healing for your head at the cemetery, but you will want to go to your bed. Eoghan, you will want to keep a close eye on her. You can call my brother should you have questions. She will be fine, but her behavior may be unexpected. Holy fire does strange things to humans of all variants.”

  “I’m just glad I don’t have extra toes or longer thumbs. I like my thumbs and toes just as they are,” I said, debating on where to take my unusual passengers. “There’s not much here outside of the cemetery and some farms.”

  “Perhaps you could show Eoghan where you grew up. Where you started is as important as where you are and where you’re going,” Gabriel suggested.

  Huh. As that made sense and my parents were probably headed back to Las Vegas already, I headed across town to the ratty old farmhouse they’d gotten from an estate sale for a pittance. The hundred acres rotted, as did the building, which had never counted as a happy home to me. I put the truck into park at the end of the driveway, eyeballing where my parents tended to park their old beaters.

  Neither vehicle was anywhere to be seen.

  “They are not here,” Gabriel announced. “And no lock can defeat us. Entering such a property breaks no angelic law.”

  “I don’t have a key,” I admitted. “They never gave me one as a child, and since they keep asking for money, they can’t afford another mouth to feed anyway.”

  “Such sad humans.”

  That was one way to put it. Shrugging, I put the truck back into gear and pulled down the driveway and parked near the front doors. Time hadn’t done the place any favors, and nobody had bothered with the lawn since I’d left. Sighing, I shook my head. “Well, it’s not quite like how it was when I was little and my parents took advantage of eager child labor to keep the place somewhat presentable.”

  “It’s decrepit,” Eoghan said, and he frowned. “It has potential, and it saddens me to see it like this.”

  I liked Eoghan thought the place could be something worthwhile. “I used to love this house.”

  “You still do,” Michael corrected. “You do not love the people who live here, but you do love the house. It is where your heart has lived for most of your life, and your heart remembers.”

  Damn. “There’s not much I can do about that.”

  “Of course there is,” he corrected, and he got out of my truck. “Show us your home.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  Azrael hopped out of the bed of the truck. “He means Eoghan has much wealth, and the humans who created your seed of life desire wealth. He would not at all miss the wealth he would spend to secure this home and bring it to its proper glory, and they would peacefully leave you be, as he would write in such a clause into the agreement for the sale of the home.”

  Deep lines furrowed Eoghan’s brow, but then he smiled. “I’ve changed my mind about you, Azrael. I might almost like you.”

  “I will forever vex you, but we shall vex each other on good terms, much like our beloved fallen brother insists on vexing us at every opportunity but we love him all the same. It is not a bad way to live.”

  “Don’t push your luck.”

  I giggled at their posturing and shook my head. While they investigated the front yard, I checked on the back to discover even more natural destruction. Once upon a time, there had been a back yard. A year of growth had transformed it into an impassable jungle. “What the hell? Did they spray the whole thing down with fertilizer to help it along?”

  Azrael joined me. “Hardly. You might want to have a new house built. This one is not long for this world.” The archangel pointed at the foundation, which had crumbled to the point of having holes leading into the basement. “That is not how it should be.”

  I sighed. “Yeah. The damned thing is coming
down around their ears. They wouldn’t get anything for the house here, but they might get something for the land.”

  Azrael turned and shouted, “There’s space for your horses, Eoghan.”

  That got the antique on the move, and he strode over. “My willingness to pay for the land has increased significantly. How much land is good for horses?”

  “There’s a hundred acres. It used to be a farm, but the farmer got old and died, and he didn’t have any family left, so the town sold the place off at auction. My parents bought it back when they were much younger and hadn’t pissed their money away.”

  Eoghan’s brow furrowed. “Azrael, is the node here?”

  “He moves in mysterious ways,” the Archangel of Death replied.

  “You asked for a ride in the truck because you knew she’d take us here,” Eoghan accused.

  “Yes.”

  The antique was not impressed with the archangel, and he braced his hands on his hips. “Won’t that bring Hammel here eventually?”

  “Should you and she be found here often, yes. This would be a good thing to have happen.”

  I liked the old house and its many acres just as much as I liked the house I rented. I wondered if I could have it all thanks to Eoghan’s hefty paychecks

  “Who the hell knows where my deadbeat parents went this time,” I grumbled.

  “The blue-feathered menace over there can help you with that,” the devil announced from behind me.

  I shrieked at the unexpected arrival of the Lord of Lies. “Would you stop that?”

  “No. It is far too much fun to pop in at my whim and scare the liver out of you. I love watching your antique get all snarly every time you make noises he doesn’t like.”

  “He is the devil, Anwen. You can’t expect him to be a kindly spirit even part of the time,” Azrael chided.

  Right. I dealt with a bunch of winged assholes out to cut a few years off my lifespan. I took a few moments to breathe, considering my options. “All right. I see I’ve been doing this wrong. What do you want us to do so we can just get to doing it? That’s what’s going on, right? You have something you think we should be doing, so you’re maneuvering us so we do it.”

  “Isn’t she cute, Azrael?” the devil cooed.

  I debated kicking the devil in the shins.

  “I value my feathers, which her antique would pull out should I answer that question. You know how long it takes to regrow our feathers.”

  The devil snorted. “It’s instantaneous.”

  “I do not find you all that amusing.”

  The devil grinned. “Ah, but you do find me somewhat amusing. You love me, but as I’m a most wonderful brother, I won’t force you to admit it right now. Eoghan, she’s absolutely correct about her suspicions, but playing our game directly benefits you. You want what can be found here. You want that Hammel fellow out of your way and escorted to my many hells, which would be a consequence of you acquiring this property in a peaceful manner, and you will gain other benefits by making this your main property. You can then turn the other home into a haven for your vampiric friend so he might be able to build a family of his own in a peaceful way. That was her idea, by the way. I am merely stealing it and presenting it on her behalf, as she would fail to move beyond thinking it.”

  Eoghan regarded me with a raised brow before giving the devil his attention once more. “As you are determined to make this a reality, just tell me how much I should pay in the correct currency, what terms I should make on the purchase, and how to go about this.”

  “Anwen’s parents can’t pay their property taxes because they have spent their money on poor choices. Their various vices. It is their nature. There is something to be said for them. Their example showed Anwen what not to do with her life, and she has done well despite the obstacles in her path. Her parents will lose the property within a month should they not acquire the funds. By purchasing it now and paying off their owed taxes, you will be able to acquire the property and building, free of debt, for a hundred thousand dollars. However, two hundred thousand will purchase you permanent peace, as her parents would move a rather notable distance away using the excess money. Tragedy will eventually catch up with them, but that tragedy would occur in either case. They are not wise people. The only difference is that the tragedy of their choosing would happen a little later in their lives with the more expensive option. This will weigh far less heavily upon Anwen’s shoulders as a result. I seem to have more lawyers than I know what to do with. I will gift one to you for this matter, as doing such things annoys my brothers, as it goes against my most cruel and evil nature. Annoying them is the only payment I need for this.”

  I could think of a few things that would ensure there were no accidental debts with the devil. “I will require a coffee date with your wife as payment for putting up with you.”

  “My darling would love that. She doesn’t often return to the mortal coil without me, as she has some odd misconceptions about her role as my wife. For some reason, she seems to think if she leaves my presence while here, she will land herself in a great deal of trouble. Her troubles ended long ago. Of course, I may have neglected to tell her that to keep her close to home. I do love when she gets bristly. I keep telling her she can go where she pleases, but for some reason, she doesn’t believe me.”

  I could think of more than a few reasons why that would be. “Well, your title is the Lord of Lies.”

  “True, true. It’s like people take that seriously. I only lie when it directly benefits me.”

  “Wouldn’t smart mortals always take that seriously?”

  “You don’t. You stop to think about whether I am being honest or not. It confuses you every time you realize I am being an honest being—but you do consider my every word in search of the lie. My lies are of a more subtle nature. I do lie, though. That is my nature.”

  I could believe that, but I always questioned if it was truly his nature—or his duty.

  “You’re catching on.”

  “Since you’re being so forthcoming about the future, what can you tell us about Hammel’s plans?” I asked.

  “That is not something I will tell you. It’s something you’ll have to discover on your own,” the devil replied. “You already have the pieces of the puzzle in your possession. You merely need to put them together in a way that makes sense. You know that the node is here somewhere. You know that it is an object. You also know that it will attract your prey here. You know your prey’s motivations. You can do what you want with him. You have just cause, and all you’d have to do is tell an angel you’d been kidnapped by him to turn any charges into self-defense, especially should he come onto your property causing problems—another reason you would be best off purchasing the property. With a little angelic assistance, the sale could be processed within a few days.”

  Two hundred thousand could buy a future, and it seemed so little for so much, although before Eoghan, such a sum would have been an unobtainable wish. “Why is the house worth so much here?”

  “They kept refinancing the property to pay for their vices,” the devil replied.

  Of course. My parents would. “To the point they have a mortgage and owed property taxes amounting to a hundred thousand?”

  “Correct.”

  Why wasn’t beating sense into my parents legal? “Dare I ask how much the house cost them? I knew how they got it, but I didn’t know how much they paid.”

  “Oh, twenty thousand.”

  I slapped my forehead. “Those braindead idiots!”

  “It could be worse,” the devil soothed.

  “Okay. I’ll bite. How could it possibly be worse?”

  “They could cut a deal with that Hammel fellow about you. You might hate them, but you’re a gentle being, and they are your parents. Oh, Eoghan?”

  “What?” he replied, and he scowled at the devil. “Unless you’re telling me my two hundred thousand prevents that from happening, I don’t want to hear it.”

  The
devil laughed. “Yes, it will prevent that future from coming to pass. It will make other futures come to be, but those are consequences you will find easier to handle. And now that I’ve meddled enough to annoy my heavenly brethren, it’s time for me to get home to the missus. I’ll tell her I’ve made a poor bargain involving her, and as soon as she’s done educating me on the errors of my ways, I’ll send her over for coffee, Anwen.”

  The devil disappeared, and I rolled my eyes over his antics. “Okay. Which one of the archangels do I talk to about talking to my idiot parents and getting them out of my hair for the rest of my lifetime if at all possible?”

  Michael raised his hand. “I’ll volunteer. This is more fun than I’ve had since Lucifer thought it was a good idea to adopt a sphinx.”

  “What’s wrong with sphinxes?” I asked.

  “Oh, nothing’s wrong with her. She just makes it her mission in life to try to kill her father when she’s not doting on her husband, who happens to be a kelpie.”

  “Kelpie? What’s that?”

  “Kelpies are demonic horses,” Eoghan replied with a scowl. “A rather nasty species, really.”

  “This one is fairly benevolent. He’s a saltwater variant, and he only has interest in dragging his wife to the shore so they can make little babies. He hasn’t had any luck yet, but I give it a year or two before he catches her off guard and I get a little niece to spoil. I suspect it’ll happen around the same time he teaches her how to swim, as she’s rather hopeless around water. They’ll toss more fillies than they’ll know what to do with, as my brother has a wicked sense of humor and no dignity. They’ll get a son eventually, but only after his gem of a daughter threatens to castrate him if he doesn’t stop meddling with her husband.”

  That poor woman. “You’re all aiming for her to have kids, aren’t you?”

  “It’s a joy in our long life. My contribution will be swimming lessons, I believe. He is very protective, and he will not take her into the water until he’s confident she can swim—but every time he gets her near the shore, his common sense abandons him, so the requirements for them to produce a child are never met.”