Grave Humor
Page 27
The dragon pointed at something on the second floor with the tip of his tail. I sighed at the hole in the siding in my damned bedroom. “This is where it hit.”
Well, as the house hadn’t burned down and my bedroom light was still on, I figured the bullet hadn’t done any real damage.
“I swear, Jeff, if I find holes in my laundry, I’m going to come over there and beat you with your own damned guns.”
“I didn’t mean to hit the house!”
“How could you miss the dragon almost as big as my house? If you don’t know how to point the damned thing, don’t shoot it! Look at him, he’s as big of a target as the house.”
“Like you could do any better.”
“It’d be a fifty-fifty, and I ain’t shot a damn gun in my life.”
“Your papa done did you wrong, girl. He shoulda taught you to shoot when you were just a little thing.”
“The only damned thing my papa knows how to shoot is crack. You know that, I know that, and the whole damned town knows it. If you’re going to go being insulting, at least be creative about it.”
“You’ve gotten quite a mouth on you,” Jeff snapped back.
Before I could reply, Eoghan said, “I recommend you take your ill-humor somewhere else. Upsetting her means upsetting me, and unlike her, I am not nearly as inclined to be nice. If that isn’t a stern enough deterrent, you are not friends with the dragon. I am.”
The dragon chuckled, and smoke coiled from its nose. “I am very old friends with him, yes. I would also be quite offended should you upset his love.”
My face flushed, as neither one of us had gotten to the point we’d declared love had anything to do with our relationship. Lust certainly did, and I enjoyed that we developed a friendship to go with it.
But love?
The dragon snorted smoke with a hint of flame. “I’m a telepath, little lady. Just because you’re almost as blind as him doesn’t mean those pesky emotions that keep bothering you aren’t just that. You were ill-taught what it means to love. You’ll figure it out. Eoghan will help you. And Eoghan? Take your time with her. She wouldn’t know what love is even if you slapped her in the face with it. You’ll have to teach her. Few others have.”
“We have all the time in the world,” Eoghan replied, and he smiled. “I intend to enjoy every second of it.”
“I feel I should warn you, my old friend, that she might just tie you to a chair and have her way with you should you take too much time.”
If my face got much warmer, it would burst into flames.
“You will need much luck with her, old friend.” The dragon laughed, uncurled, and eased off the roof of my house. I marveled at the dragon’s precision, and he took great care to avoid damaging anything important. Dodging my truck, Yuless swung his great head to me, and he breathed in my scent. “Take care with him, little lady. He carries many burdens with him, and you will find him to be most annoying about it. Should you need any help with him, do contact me. I will send word with how you can contact me.”
I retrieved my new phone and held it up. “Do you have a phone number?”
The dragon chuckled. “I certainly do. I find these phones most fascinating. A world’s worth of information and wonders, available at the tap of such a tiny screen.”
The dragon lived in Florida, and he gave me his phone number and address so I could drag Eoghan across the country to pay him a visit. I hesitated, wondering what his opalescent scales felt like.
“You may touch,” the dragon replied.
I put my phone away, and holding my breath, I rested my hands against Yuless’s massive nose.
I expected cold and hard, but the warmth surprised me almost as much as the almost plush texture. “You’re soft!”
“I recently molted. It’s velvet, much like a deer’s antlers. The scales beneath are diamond hard—or even harder, but the velvet encourages the scales to grow faster. When I lose a scale, a new one grows with a thicker covering of velvet. When the scales are done growing, the velvet will shed. I collect it and turn it into cloth. The hobby amuses me, and I produce a great deal of velvet following a molt.”
“What do you do with your scales?”
“I make things from them. It fills the time when I am away. Once they’re shed, I can warm them with my fires and shape them. I have been making dishes, for I find human dishes to be amusing. Carving them into forks and spoons is a challenge. But they make excellent cutlery. I will bring a set for you. I will also include a nice pair of manacles so you can capture your man at your leisure. Would you like a chain and leash to go with your manacles?”
I giggled at the thought of chaining Eoghan with dragonscale manacles. “Yes, please. I’d love that.”
“Of course you would,” Eoghan muttered.
I grinned at him. “If you play too hard to get, I will not say please, but I will say thank you.”
Eoghan’s smile possessed a sly and wicked edge. “Will you?”
“Can I pay you to make that a rush order, Yuless?”
The dragon laughed, stretched his wings, and bobbed his great head. “Why not? Keep him on his toes, Anwen. He deserves you more than you can ever know—and you deserve only his best. Never forget that. I’ll pay you a visit with your gifts and my wishes for your happy future.”
“Watch it, dragon, or you’ll be next,” Eoghan grumbled.
“As I have from the day I drew my first breath, I wait. Should you find her, send her my way. I would be forever in your debt.”
With that, the dragon launched into the air, spiraling upwards until he became nothing more than a speck in the clear sapphire sky above. “How long is his forever?” I asked.
“Only time will tell.” Eoghan turned his attention to Jeff and the rest of my neighbors. “I recommend you treat your living better so your dead do not become vengeful. Start with Mr. McGregor, and may his ongoing presence be a reminder of why you should mind your manners.”
After taking hold of my hand, Eoghan pulled me to the front door of the house. “What was that all about?”
With a chuckle, he clasped my hand and kissed my knuckles. “For all Azrael is benevolent, he has a mischievous nature and a grave sense of humor. I’ll tell you this much, Anwen. Sunset will never be the same.”
Truer words had never been spoken, and unable to help myself, I laughed. Sunset wouldn’t be the same—and neither would I.
For the first time in my life, the small town had everything I’d ever wanted, and I looked forward to what tomorrow would bring.
The next novel in the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series is A Chip on Her Shoulder, the story of how the devil met his bride, releasing in September 2020.
Like werewolves, bounty huntresses, and a woman on a mission? Doggone Mess: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) is in Dirty Deeds: an urban fantasy collection coming out in January 2021, including all-new stories from Faith Hunter, Diana Pharaoh Francis, Devon Monk, and R.J. Blain.
About R.J. Blain
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A complete list of books written by RJ and her various pen names is available at https://books2read.com/rl/The-Fantasy-Worlds-of-RJ-Blain.
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RJ Blain suffers from a Moleskine journal obsession, a pen fixation, and a terrible tendency to pun without warning.
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When she isn't playing pretend, she likes to think she's a cartographer and a sumi-e painter.
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In her spare time, she daydreams about being a spy. Should that fail, her contingency plan involves tying her best of enemies to spinning wheels and quoting James Bond villains until she is satisfied.
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RJ also writes as Susan Copperfield and B
ernadette Franklin. Visit RJ and her pets (the Management) at thesneakykittycritic.com.
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