by Shayne Ford
As stunning as he was before, he was nothing as he is now.
A magnetism flows throw him, gleaming in his eyes and pearly smile. He’s no longer the hustler or the man living on the fringe. Something happened to him. He no longer has the feral glint in his gaze and restlessness. He’s self-assured and settled. Confident and powerful. He has the glow of money on his face, and the arresting beauty stemming from that power. He’s no longer tormented, looking for a haven.
He found his path.
My eyes go down on him again, taking a swift inventory of his designer suit, shoes, and high-end watch.
Slowly, he strokes the woman’s back.
My breath gets stuck in my throat as my anger flares. Her melodious laugh feels like a nail in my head, making my teeth grind.
Now is the moment to pull away from them, and yet I can’t.
My gaze starts sweeping the woman. If her front is half as beautiful as her back, she must be gorgeous.
She slides her hand up his arm and rests her delicate fingers on his shoulder, her grip speaking of tenderness, and a connection to him. She angles her face up while he looks down to capture her expression.
He looks ravishing. Relaxed, amused. The owner of a different life. It’s hard to find in him the man I used to know. The wounded, broken man. The man whose heart felt like a toxic desert. He seems content and whole. And now entranced by someone else.
She mutters something to him, and he lowers his head so she can whisper in his ear. She brings her hands to his face and slowly trails his jawline.
His jawline.
My muscles tense beneath my skin. I could easily implode.
I take a small step toward the entrance, my gaze still pinned on them. A sharp pain rams through my chest as I see his lips meeting her cheek. Trembling, I move closer to the door.
And then, it happens.
That very last moment. Just before I could turn around and never see him again, he raises his eyes and locks my gaze. A split second––not even that, and yet, it’s more than enough.
Enough to feel his gaze flowing through me. Enough to let him read my eyes. Enough to see the change in him.
I whip my gaze away, not fast enough to miss the storm brewing in his eyes as he’s grappling with recognition. His smile vanishes from his lips, his charm destined to that woman now long gone.
His eyes turn cold and gray, and that’s when I dash inside.
Sounds travel through the air–– his unmistakable voice, the woman’s giggle, and a few indistinguishable words spoken by his friends.
And then I hear his steps, trailing me.
I lift the bottom of my dress and rush inside. The click clanking of my shoes against the tiles ripples through the air.
“Senna?”
The very sound of my name on his lips is hurting me.
I’m almost running, and yet his footsteps echo closer. I dash past the elevator and make a beeline for the stairs.
With one trembling hand, I hold my phone while I desperately sift through names, looking for my driver’s number. The other hand clutches my purse.
Quivering and barely breathing, I make the call and briefly give him the instructions. The man is set to pick me up in less than twenty minutes. It’s still not soon enough.
Fuck.
I reach the top of the stairs and swivel my head, searching for a place to hide, when his voice rings out behind me for the second time.
“Senna?”
I toss my phone into my clutch, slip the purse under my arm, grab the bottom of my skirt with both hands, and run up the next flight of stairs.
He picks up the pace as well.
The third level of the building is completely empty. All doors are closed. There is no one up here. I scan the hallway for a moment, quickly running out of ideas. Panting, I dart to the restroom and jerk the door open.
I meet only silence.
I toss the clutch on the vanity top, prop my hands on the sink, and bend forward. I take in a few long breaths, trying to calm my heart and make the wheezing cease.
The door bursts open with a loud bang, the moment he steps in.
I shoot a side glance at his shoes.
“Get the fuck out,” I growl with a low, menacing voice.
He takes a step forward.
I straighten and face him, but I can’t focus on his features, and I can’t look into his eyes.
“Get the fuck out, Jaden,” I bark.
He shoves his hands into his pockets.
“Let’s talk,” he says with a commanding voice.
My eyes rove over his features, and the unbuttoned neckline of his shirt.
I never thought it would hurt that much to see his face again.
“I don’t want to talk, Jaden. There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t need a slideshow to understand. One glimpse was enough. Now get the hell out.”
He takes another step closer.
I jerk out of my paralysis, and the first thing I lay my hands on––a bottle of soap, becomes airborne, heading in his direction.
He ducks out of its way, the soap splashing all over the wall. He shoots his hands up.
“We only talk for fuck’s sake,” he barks, his eyes pulling into a tight line.
My eyes roam over him, floating over his shoulders as I fight the pain gripping my chest. I whip my gaze to the side, snatch my clutch and take a couple of steps back.
“I don’t need your fucking pep talk, Jaden,” I say, barely keeping my voice under control. “There’s nothing we can talk about. I know who you are. I see who you are. I understand who you’ve become. You’ve planned it all along, haven’t you? You knew what you were aiming for, and I was the perfect step for you on your way up. A means to an end.”
I pause and breathe out a sarcastic chuckle.
His eyes stay on me, unreadable.
“You had no problem using me. I bet you haven’t had the slightest remorse. The poor, rich girl can take another punch. She’s strong. She’s made it so far. She knows the game. The risks. If nothing else, she understands loss. She will be fine. I bet that’s what you thought. I was your way out, or should I say your way in. Some incidental, collateral damage. Some chick you fucked for fun, who also served a purpose. So fucking what? Right?”
Blades of steel lash at me from between his lashes.
His hands are tucked in his pockets, his broad chest not moving beneath the crisp, white shirt.
I wonder if he’s breathing.
“You have no fucking heart, Jaden,” I say with a different voice.
No longer angry, and no longer fuming. Just deeply hurt.
“I never thought this before... I never thought that you were just another man walking the face of the earth, empty inside. Using, lying and disposing of. Seeing a woman as a shell. A body. A face without a soul, or heart. A head without a loving thought. But that’s exactly what you saw in me when I was stupid enough to think I found my match. My mate. My lover. The man who can handle my chaos. The man who knew the pain, despair, and lack of fairness of this journey, and also felt the sting, the ache, and heavy-handed wisdom of this life. I thought you were all that. But in the end, you were nothing like that. All those bad things that happened to you were not your teachers. And not your friends. They weren’t even your enemies. They were something you disposed of, the same way you’d toss away an old ragged coat, or a bad dream, or reality you no longer have a use for. You did the same thing to me. In your opinion, that’s how life is supposed to be played out. In the end, it’s all about what you can get, not what you can give, what you can keep, not what you have to offer. Yeah... That’s who you are. Just another man. But not my man.”
He opens his mouth to say something. I flick my hand up.
“Please. Don’t even bother. I know that my words mean nothing to you. As much as I know, you didn’t spare a thought on me all this time. Not more than you’d spend on some piece of garbage you kick out of your way. And how do I know? I just saw you. The r
eal you. The new you. And your new toy. The woman who fulfills your needs. The woman who matches your suit, and perfect smile. The woman who spreads her legs to receive your generosity. To enjoy your skills, your cock. Your lies muttered in her ear. She doesn’t care. You are as much of a shiny toy to her as she is to you. See, this is the world in which I’m doomed to live. For people like you and her, it doesn’t matter, while for me... Oh, for me...” I say, my voice almost breaking as a few tears fall from my lashes. “For me, everything gets carved inside me, written with my fucking blood and tears. It’s like a curse that follows me around. Every damn thing lodges in my memory to last a lifetime, threading through my days and nights and even dreams, stirring up the fear that I can never push away. But I’m the stupid one, aren’t I? The unadapted. The ignorant. The one who doesn’t fit. The one who doesn’t get it. The one who people laugh at. And why wouldn’t they? Why wouldn’t you? Everything is so easy for you and her, and for your friends outside. Life is like a rollercoaster for you. One that is meant to be fun. For me, life is a fight in the trenches. Made of sweat and tears. Made of loneliness and awkwardness. While people like you and her celebrate and party, twirling in the big dance of life, you think I am one of the sour losers. So be it, Jaden. You fucked me over. And that’s fine. You’re not the first one and surely, not the last. That’s why I don’t need to talk with you. I got it. So, go fuck your fucking girlfriend or wife or whoever the hell she is and leave me alone.“
6
SENNA
He shifts his position, and my eyes shoot fast at him. He takes another step in my direction.
“Stay where you are, Jaden. I don’t need you close to me,” I bark.
He freezes.
More tears pool in my eyes.
I slowly shake my head.
“I never thought that you’d hurt me so much. I never thought that I’d let you inside me, and you’d take everything from me and leave me with nothing. Empty. Barren. I wanted you to fill me up with you. And you did. You showed me heaven, and then you dragged me straight into the darkest hell.”
“Senna...”
His voice is soft, yet cold.
My finger shoots up in the air.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me, Jaden. I don’t need to hear your explanation. You know who I am. You know me. You felt me. You can’t possibly say you didn’t know. I opened my heart to you, and I let you see everything inside me. The good and the bad. And you let me close to you as well. You wanted me to get used to you, and trust you. And then you took everything away from me. Why? And for what, Jaden? Was it for that?” I ask, my hand flicking toward the door.
“It’s that what you wanted. That woman?”
“No,” he says curtly.
I look at him, washed with disbelief.
“Are you fucking kidding me? I just saw you. Both of you. You had no idea I was there. Your tenderness for her made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even recognize you for a moment. I couldn’t possibly believe that you were the same man who opened his heart to me and held me in his arms and made me feel something for him. Is she love, Jaden?”
He looks at me, stubbornly silent.
“Is she fucking love?” I shout.
My voice smashes into the walls.
“Answer me!”
“She’s not love.”
“Then what is she? Is she romance? Hot sex?”
He tilts his head down, his gaze trailing down the floor.
“Tell me. What is she to you? Is she the next stop?”
He pulls his eyes up, their sharpness feeling like a sword.
“None of that.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”
“She’s not relevant.”
My mouth falls open with surprise.
“Oh, she’s not...”
I shake my head slowly, my eyes darting back and forth, as I’m struggling to understand.
“Like me, Jaden? Is she unimportant like me? Is she? Do you tell your life story to these women, let them fall for you, only to dispose of them as they become irrelevant?”
“That’s not it.”
I study him for a few more moments.
Puzzled. Intrigued.
He looks like a stranger to me. A fine man, oozing sophistication, yet nonetheless a stranger.
“Hmm... It may not be it,” I mutter, “but the outcome is the same. You use your power to attract them and to fuck them. And then, you smash their hearts. At least that’s what you did to me. And you had absolutely no remorse. I thought that inside your shell lied a vibrant man, a warm heart with so much tenderness to give. I thought you could do so much better than some run of a mill jerk. I’m sorry if you think I’m a lousy loser, but that’s how I feel, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. That’s why I don’t want to hear you talking. The last thing I need from you is condescendence or a speech about moving on or staying friends. Words of wisdom about how this game needs to be played. It’s not a game if it hurts. At least to me, it isn’t.”
“It wasn’t a game,” he says deadpan.
I look at him, baffled.
“How can you say that to me?”
“It’s the truth.”
“Is it? Then what was it, Jaden? A change of heart? A second thought?”
“No.”
I freeze for a moment.
“You can’t possibly say that to me.”
I pause and take a long breath, shaking my head.
“You know what?” I mutter. “I really don’t need to hear you. I’ve seen enough with my own eyes. Your words mean nothing to me.”
He pulls his hand out of his pocket and brings it inches from my shoulder.
I take a step back so he can’t touch me.
“I’m not joking, Jaden.”
“I’m not saying that you are,” he says seriously, “but I think you want to hear what I have to say. We wouldn’t be here if you weren’t at least curious.”
I throw him a venomous glare.
“Spare your breath. I’m not curious. I know exactly what happened. I had a suspicion then, and you confirmed it tonight. As I was watching you giving that woman your undivided attention, the pieces of the puzzles have finally fallen into place. That’s when it dawned on me. There’s a reason you are here at a business event, looking like a million bucks, with that beautiful woman draped over your arm. There’s a reason why you sold everything, took Sara and Emma with you and vanished. I may be dumb when it comes to love, but not when it comes to money. I can tell you’ve come into your own money. The money that was never within your reach. Now you have it. Plenty of it. I can tell. You’ve sold some kind of business or maybe more. Other than that website. And that’s fine. Congrats. But you used me to get where you are, and in the process, you crushed my heart. I would’ve helped you anyway, but you didn’t want it that way. Remember? I offered you my help. You said no. You wanted to do it on your own. But that was not all. You resented me for being in that position. For having the upper hand. It wasn’t my fault, Jaden. I told you so many times. I walked in your shoes. I knew how it was. But no, no. You wanted to prove it to yourself. And what did you prove, Jaden? Besides making money. What did you prove? That you can step on a woman’s heart without remorse? That a woman is easily replaceable? That we are all the same in the end? That it doesn’t matter? As long as she has a pretty face and a warm place between her legs it’s all fair game? Was that it?”
A glint sparks in his eyes, clouding his gaze.
“Oh... It hurts? You think this hurts?” I ask, feeling the prickle of my tears. “You have no idea what pain is, Jaden. You’re not hurting, baby. You think you are, because you got caught, and you don’t like it. That’s why. Truth be told, had I not walked in on you this evening, you’d be right there right now, on that terrace, her arm curled around your waist, her fragrance in your nostrils, your lips on her hair, and her face mesmerized as she’d drink you in. You’d flash your smile, and she’d get wet between her legs, while you’d have
her wrapped around your body like a vine. There wouldn’t be the slightest thought, or the faintest memory, let alone a flashback to tarnish your evening. Not the slightest shred of remorse. Because your past is dead and stashed away. With me in it. Am I right? I knew it all along. I saw it in your eyes. I knew it back then. You wanted to strike on your own, but to get to that point you had to take advantage of me. Or the situation... Whatever. You could’ve done all that without messing with my head, but you did it anyway. Why? Because you fucking could. And why the fuck not? I was the one who volunteered. I begged for it. I bought your crap. I fell for you. Oh, you have no idea how I regret this evening and running into you like that. Had I known, I would’ve never shown up. I came to this stupid event not having the slightest idea that I’d find you here. Not knowing that fate would play a dirty trick on me.”
“Things are not the way you think they are, Senna.”
I jerk my hand dismissively.
“Please. That’s exactly how they are,” I say, running my fingers beneath my lashes, brushing off tears. “I trusted you, Jaden. I was foolish enough to think that we’re alike. That we can help each other. That we can love each other. I was so stupid.”
I breathe out a chuckle under his rueful eyes.
“And I still am. This never gets old. No matter how many times I crash and burn, I can never learn that just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean that other people would. I keep forgetting how fickle they are. But here you are, a teacher of life, reminding me. Nothing matters in this world. Nothing. A heart means nothing. Feelings mean nothing. Words have lost their meaning. They’re now empty like the seashells dying on the sand. It’s all dust before it all turns to dust. I fell for everything you said. Your story. Your family. You.”
Running a hand across my cheek, I trail my gaze down.
“I need you to leave now,” I say firmly without looking at him.
“Not before I get my chance to talk.”
I raise cloudy eyes to him.
“It’s not your call, Jaden. There is nothing you can tell right now to change the way I feel. If anything, you can make things worse, so just fucking go. It’s better for both of us.”