Darcy, Defined

by Suzanne Williams

  “Wow,” said Paige. She was quiet for a minute, then took a deep breath. “You know, my dad got his secretary pregnant a couple of years ago, so he’s kind of in the same situation as your father. He decided to just give her a bunch of money so she could leave her job and take care of the baby. And she also agreed not to tell anyone that he was the father. It was really hard on my mom, but they both wanted to work through it, so they’re still together.”

  Paige’s confession was like a curveball during a tennis match. In all my life I’d never met someone who could relate to my family situation, and I never would have guessed Paige would be the first one. “Paige, I had no idea. That must have been really hard on you too.” I said once I was able to find the words.

  “Aside from Matt, you’re the only one I’ve ever told. I know my parents don’t want it public, so I never talk about it, which really aggravates me. I mean, I have a little brother who I might never meet and my dad has a child who he’ll never provide any support for, aside from some money here and there. We just all go on pretending that he doesn’t exist. Messed up, huh?”

  I looked over to see Paige on the verge of tears. I reluctantly put my hand on her shoulder, unsure if she would welcome my touch, but she accepted it, without so much as flinching. “The only reason I know is because I overheard them talking about it one night when they didn’t realize I was in the next room. When I went into the kitchen and asked them to explain they did, but otherwise they never wouldn’t have told me.”

  “They probably just wanted to protect you. I mean, it’s a really complicated situation.”

  “Yeah, but I’m still glad I know, even though it pisses me off. I always knew my dad’s secretary as just Heather. But after finding out, I got her full name and even found her address. Sometimes I think about going to her house, getting some answers, trying to meet my little brother. What do you think? Is that a crazy idea?”

  I thought for a moment about her plan. I couldn’t imagine someone from my dad’s family showing up at our house and demanding information. It seemed liked a potentially volatile situation, but still, I understood Paige’s desire to comprehend the nature of her father’s affair and meet the child who resulted from it. “Maybe you could leave a flyer on her porch about your babysitting services, see if she gives you a call. You’d want to use a different name, of course. That way you could get paid to hang out with your brother and be apart of his life, at least sometimes.”

  “That’s genius!” she shouted. I smiled involuntarily. It felt good to be in Paige’s good graces. “Only,” she continued, “she might recognize me. I never met her in person, but I know my dad has a picture of me on his desk at work, and who knows how many others she’s seen.”

  “That’s a good point,” I said.

  “But maybe after a few years. She probably wouldn’t recognize me anymore by then. Unless she stalks me online or something.” I chuckled. Of course Paige would assume people stalk her online, I thought.

  “So, do you know anything about your dad? Like, does he have money?”

  “I’m not sure. I think he was in law school at the time I was born, so he might. But honestly, I haven’t spent that much time thinking about it. I accepted a long time ago that he wasn’t going to be a part of my life.”

  “You should find out,” said Paige. “Because if he does, he owes you. Who knows? Maybe he could cover your tuition and you’d be able to stop cleaning.”

  “I don’t think so. I mean, my mom and I, we’re a unit, and bringing someone else into the picture might just mess things up.”

  Paige, who had my address programed into her GPS, was turning from Kenwood Road onto the onramp for 71 South. The sun blinded us through the windshield. Paige reached for a pair of sunglasses in her center console. “Who knew you and I would have so much in common,” she said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Who knew?”

  For a moment there was quiet, so I took out my phone and began reading through my messages from Maya.

  We need to talk

  Where did you go?

  Did you hook up with Tristan? He told me you’re sleeping here.

  I’m assuming you’re ok and just crashed in the bedroom. Call me ASAP!

  I heaved a heavy sigh. Calling Maya was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “So, what happened last night?” asked Paige. “Is there something going on between you and Tristan?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Somehow we ended up alone together, did some shots, and one thing led to another.”

  “Did you…?”

  “No,” I said, strongly. “We just kissed.”

  Paige tilted her head. “I’m confused. I thought Maya liked him.”

  I took in a deep breath, preparing to explain myself. “I made that part up,” I said. Paige had just told me her most troubling secret, so I knew I had to be honest with her. “I said it was Maya who wanted to go to your party, and technically that’s true, but it was mostly to help me out. And it was because of Matt, not Tristan. I’ve had a pretty big crush on him for a while now, so when I found out you’d broken up, I thought I might have a chance. But then Matt started flirting with Maya, and the next thing I knew they were making out in the wine cellar, and I knew the only way to avoid the hurt was to make out with somebody too, so. . .” I shrugged.

  “That’s awful,” said Paige in a tone of utter disgust. “I can’t believe Maya did you like that. And you should have just been honest with me from the beginning. If I’d known you were into Matt, I’d have helped you talk to him.”

  “I know. I know. But you guys had just broken up, and we didn’t really know each other so I wasn’t sure how you’d react.” We were nearing the Edwards Road exit, which would take us into Norwood, my much more humble, blue-collar neighborhood, where old brick houses and apartment buildings are interspersed and squeezed together on tree-lined streets. “Why did you guys break up anyway?”

  Paige sighed, as if she’d already explained the story dozens of time to everyone she knew, which she probably had. “Matt’s a great guy and I really care about him. He was my first real boyfriend, and I feel like he knows me better than my own parents, but when I met Tom in Costa Rica this summer, we just had this spark between us that I couldn’t ignore. The way he was with the kids there, so compassionate and kind, it really made me fall for him. And I always really liked Matt, but I never really felt like I was in love with him. I didn’t like hurting him, but I had to do what was right for me.”

  Listening to Paige felt like listening to a self-help mentor more than a sixteen-year-old peer. “You’re so lucky,” I said. “I mean, to go from a relationship with a good boyfriend to an even better one with someone you actually love. Sometimes I think I’ll never know what that’s like, to love someone and be loved by them in return.”

  “Sure, you will,” said Paige. “You’re super pretty, even though you don’t seem to know how to highlight your best features, but still, you’re attractive. And you have a really good energy. Just wait. You’ll meet the right guy at some point. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get Tristan to finally settle down.” Paige had turned onto my street and was pulling up to the front of my house.

  I tittered at the thought of being Tristan’s girlfriend, but didn’t totally hate the idea. In fact, I kind of liked it. “I don’t really see that happening, but thanks. And thanks for the ride.”

  “Do you want to sit with me at lunch tomorrow?” asked Paige as I was getting out of the car.

  “Yeah. That would be great.” We both waved, and I walked inside my house. I wondered if her invitation was another charity case, or if she actually wanted me at her table. Either way, I no longer had a best friend, and couldn’t afford to pass up an opportunity to take a seat at the center table.

  When I shut the door, I saw my mom sitting at the kitchen island. “Finally,” she said with a heavy exhale as I walked toward the kitchen.

  “Were you worried?” I asked.

  “A littl
e,” she said. “That was the first time you’ve stayed out all night, and when you said you were staying at Paige’s house, I realized I had no idea where Paige’s house even is, and I wouldn’t be able to just go and get you. I know you’re a good kid and that you make good choices, but still, it was a little scary.”

  I gave her a hug, laying my head on her shoulder. The distressing thoughts I’d had about Maya, Matt and the uncertainty of where I stood socially began to melt away. It felt good to be back in the comfort of home, with my mom, even though I knew I hadn’t actually made the best choices the night before. Each pounding sensation in my head was a reminder not to drink wine coolers again, at least not for a long time. “I’m ok,” I said. “We just got tired. But next time I go to a party, I’ll make sure to give you the address first.”

  “That would make me feel much better.” She stood up and walked over to the stove. “Are you hungry? I made pancakes and bacon.”

  “I’ll take both!” My mom’s homemade breakfasts were always my favorite thing about Sundays. Carbs and fat were sure to ease the hurt and confusion I was feeling, at least for a little while. My mom stuck a plate in the microwave for a few seconds to warm it without making it too hot, and set it down in front of me at the counter. “Milk or OJ?” she asked.

  “Actually, do you have any coffee made?”

  “Oh, I didn’t know you drank coffee,” she said, grabbing a mug from the cabinet.

  “I don’t usually, but I think today I might need it.”

  “So, tell me what happened last night.” She poured me about a half-cup of coffee, and filled the mug the rest of the way up with milk, then added a few shakes of sugar.

  “Nothing remarkable. We just played pool and watched TV.” I felt guilty at how easily I lied to my mom, or at least how easily I hid the truth, but I didn’t want to alarm her with tales of underage drinking and debauchery, or about the possible dissolution of the relationship with my best friend. Later maybe, but not now. “We all just got tired, and Paige’s house is huge, so there was plenty of room for us to sleep there.”

  “Sounds like a nice evening. Do you think you’ll be hanging out at Paige’s house again? Or, you know, you could have Paige and your other friends over here sometime, if you want. Although I guess our house isn’t as luxurious as hers probably is.”

  “Our house doesn’t have to be luxurious, Mom. It’s fine. And maybe I will.” I took a loud slurp of my coffee. “How was your night here?” I asked.

  “It was relaxing, until I started worrying about you. That was the opposite of relaxing.”

  “Agitating?”

  “Yes, that’s a good antonym.” My mom took the bacon pan from the stove and put in the sink, letting it clang against the other dishes. She opened up the dishwasher and started filling it with dirty plates and bowls while I ate. “Why don’t we do something fun today, like go to the art museum, or see a movie?” she asked.

  “Sounds good,” I said. “Just give me an hour or two to do some homework.” I added my plate to the dishwasher and retreated to my bedroom, coffee mug in hand, contemplating whether or not to text Maya back.

  I got on my bed, sitting on top of the same pink and white striped comforter I’d had since I was eight or nine. I pulled my phone out from the small, black bag I’d been carrying at the party, trying to decide whether or not I wanted to talk to Maya. I had still felt hurt over seeing her with Matt, but as shocking and upsetting as it was, was it really worth losing her friendship over? After all, maybe Tristan was the one for me anyway, and I should thank Maya for inadvertently bringing us together. I still felt goosebumps, thinking of the way he had put his arm around me, the way he had kissed me. As I sat there, typing and deleting a series of responses to her, wondering whether I should express anger or forgiveness, I received a message from Tristan. Darcy, I had fun last night, but I don’t want to lead you on. I think we should just be friends. Cool?

  I fell back onto my bed. NO, NOT COOL!! I’d wanted to say, but I stopped myself and put my phone down on my nightstand. Should I really have been surprised? Should I really have expected a star football player to be interested in dating me, Darcy Walsh, commoner of East Point Prep?

  I wished I had never gone to Paige’s party, that I’d never gotten mixed up with any of it. Things were so much better before, when I could admire Matt from afar, dish out the gossip with my best friend, and keep myself closed off to everyone else who would clearly just reject me. I would have cleaned up after a hundred parties to get that sense of security back, but I knew it was gone for good. What defines me now, I thought. East Point Prep floor-scrubber AND humiliated floozy. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine something happy, hoping to banish the terrible thoughts taking hold of my mind, but it was no use. Just wake me up when high school’s over.

  Chapter 7

  Going back to school after the party was miserable. Aside from my cleaning duties, everything had changed. Maya and Matt were an official couple. They sat together at lunch, held hands in the hallways, and waited for one another at each other’s lockers. Maya had called me twice in the first couple of days after the party, but when I didn’t return her calls, she just gave up on reaching out to me and never said a word to me at school. She had become a complete stranger, like someone who’d had amnesia and completely forgotten her previous life. Or maybe I was the one who’d become a stranger to her. Either way, it was hard to believe how quickly our friendship had deteriorated without a single word being spoken about it. If it hadn’t been for my burgeoning friendship with Paige, East Point Prep would’ve been my purgatory.

  On most days I sat with Paige during lunch, at her usual table in the middle of the cafeteria, which meant also sitting with Audrey and Ava, who tolerated me but never made any efforts to include me. Whenever I was around, they’d have their own independent conversation, as if Paige and I weren’t even there. But Paige wasn’t bothered by it. “They’ve been getting more and more misanthropic,” she said when I brought it up with her one day. “If they think they’re too good for everyone else, let them. They’ll find out the hard way that they’re wrong eventually.”

  “I don’t think it’s everyone, probably just me,” I said.

  “Darcy, that isn’t true,” she’d said. “You’ve got to stop thinking of yourself as this complete social outcast. So, you stay after school and clean to get discounted tuition? So what? You’re still smart and pretty and a good friend. You’ve got to drop this mentality of the whole world being against you, or you’ll never be happy.”

  I stood in shock as she walked away toward her next period. It was easy for her to say, I thought. She’s Paige, one of the most beautiful and privileged girls at East Point Prep. She didn’t know what it was like to feel rejection or heartache like I’d experienced. But then, maybe she was right. Maybe the reason I had no other friends was because I hadn’t tried hard enough to make any. Maybe the reason I had no sense of what defined me other than cleaning was because I’d spent too much time wallowing in pity when I should have been more proactive in figuring out what it was I wanted to dp. One thing was for certain: I had some major soul-searching to do.

  That night my mom picked me up from school after my mopping and vacuuming were finished. “I need Tony’s,” I’d said when I got into the car.

  “You got it,” she said, and off we went, no questions asked.

  We went in, found our usual spot, and ordered a large stuffed-crust pizza. “How are things at school?” she asked once we started playing skee-ball. “You’ve seemed a little aloof lately.”

  That’s when I decided to come clean. “School sucks,” I said, angrily tossing my ball up the ramp, missing all the chutes. “Maya’s dating the guy I liked, and the guy who I thought liked me turns out to be more interested in just about everyone but me, and I have to write an essay about what defines me but I don’t know what that is!”

  My mom put down the ball she’d been holding and put her arms around me. “It sounds like thin
gs have been pretty rough,” she said. “I’m glad you told me, though. You shouldn’t struggle all by yourself.”

  “Why does high school have to be so hard?” Suddenly there were tears streaming down my cheeks. I buried my face into my mom’s shoulder, wiping the tears with her shirt. The arcade machines beeped and whirred around us, reminding me how public my emotional breakdown was, and yet I stayed right where I was, letting my mom run her fingers through my hair, caressing my head.

  “You’ll get through it,” she said. “One day this will all be behind you, and you’ll have a wonderful, happy life doing something you love. And I’ll be a lonely, empty-nester with a house full of cats.”

  I laughed. “How far away do you think I’m going to go?” I asked.

  “I don’t know where your life journey will take you, but no matter where you go or what you end up doing, just remember that I’m so proud of you, and I’ll always be here for you, ok?”

  I let the warmth of her body envelop me, like a baby in a swaddle. It did feel good to confide in someone other than Paige, someone who’d surely experienced the same feelings I was struggling with, perhaps even with my own father.

  “Mom,” I said, still wrapped in her hug. “Do you ever feel like your life is missing anything?”

  “No,” she said, tightening her grip on me. “My life is complete with you.”

  “What about my dad? Did you ever wish that he was a part of our family? That he could have stayed with us?”

  “Maybe at first,” she said after a pause. “But that feeling went away after a while. As much as I cared for him, I knew that being with him long-term would have meant taking him away from his wife and family, which I didn’t want to do. But, I knew I still wanted you. I never questioned that.”

  “Do you think I’ll ever meet them, his other children?”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Do you want to?”

  “I’m not sure.” I had to admit, even if it was just to myself, I had always wondered what it would be like to have siblings, other people who could relate to my life experience, who I could go trick-or-treating with and open Christmas presents with. But I knew that in reality, that wasn’t what my father’s older children were or would have been. There would have been no family picnics or camping trips. And if there were, I would have been the outsider, the intruder, much like how I’d felt at East Point Prep. Being a part of a larger family was just a fantasy, and one I didn’t want to risk shattering.