Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  “Dude, what the actual fuck? Are you serious right now? What part of this situation is funny to you? Jesus, Theo,” I whisper shouted.

  “Finn, relax. You’re letting the situation bother you. That’s exactly what Violet was hoping for. She thrives on cringeworthy situations, so just pretend you don’t care, even if you do. Luckily, I don’t.”

  “Guys don’t just go around kissing other guys for fun, Theo, and even as close and comfortable as we are with each other, we have never done that. We’re as good as brothers for Christ’s sake. How do we even get out of this? Surely we can just pretend? We have to.”

  Before he could answer, Violet rapped on the door, hard.

  “I can hear you whispering, which means you aren’t kissing yet. I’ve started the timer from zero again, so get on with it or you’ll be in there all night,” she yelled impatiently.

  “Look, Finn, we may as well do it and get it over with. None of them will expect us to go through with it. What’s the worst that can happen? Come on, it will be a laugh, and we’ll still always be best friends, even if you turn out to be a crappy kisser,” he mocked, which eased the tension in my chest.

  “Okay, okay…let’s just do this and get out of this damn cupboard. Fucking Violet. Last time I come to her party,” I bemoaned.

  Theo chuckled in the darkness and placed his hands on my hips. I flinched and I forgot how to breathe. His scent permeated the enclosed space, making me dizzy and tingly.

  “Okay, put your hands on my shoulders so you can gauge my distance and it should be instinctual after that. Luckily, we’re the same height, so we won’t end up kissing the wall instead,” he whispered as he guided my hands.

  “That would be a lot less awkward and embarrassing, I’m sure,” I groused as I moved my hands to his shapely shoulders. We both worked out and jogged together, so he had a little definition for his age.

  “Shh…Finn, stop complaining and think yourself lucky. I’ve been told I am an excellent kisser.”

  Before I could even formulate a sarcastic response, I felt his warm, silky lips on mine, firm yet soft as they hit their mark. It was more of a quick openmouthed peck, a test of sorts, and I found my mouth responding automatically. His slightly parted lips found mine again and instinct took over as our mouths moved in synchronised rhythm. My eyes fluttered shut as the breath rushed out of me.

  He angled his head to the side, and I felt his tongue gently searching for mine, taking the kiss much deeper. I reciprocated by entangling my tongue with his as I breathed him in. One of us groaned, I’m not sure who, and before I knew it, my hands were in his hair and his arms wound tight around my waist. He tasted incredible, and my abdomen and groin constricted.

  Just as I was losing myself in Theo, the cupboard door flew open and light flooded in from the hallway. We jumped apart at the realisation and Theo blushed, his lips red and swollen.

  “Well, look here, everyone. It seems they kissed properly after all. Everyone who said they wouldn’t, you all owe me twenty quid each. So, who’s next?” Violet yelled as she sauntered back to recommence the games.

  Some people congratulated and fist-bumped Theo and me for going through with it, others called us the usual homophobic slurs. No matter what was going on behind my back, a few things were now crystal clear to me.

  That was the best kiss I had ever had.

  I was definitely bisexual.

  I was in love with my straight best friend.

  I was officially fucked.

  Chapter 4

  THEO

  The force of the hot water spraying from the shower jets soothes my stiff neck and shoulder muscles. With my hands and forehead pressed against the cool marble tiles, I groan, purging my body of any residual tension and stress.

  The pressure of my old man’s ultimatum weighs heavily on me like an iron girder. A month has already passed, and I am no further forward to closing this chapter of my story. Instead, I’ve stuck my head in the proverbial sand.

  The devil will come to collect on our deal, of that I have no doubt. But the thought of leaving Finn is incomprehensible. Nor do I expect him to move back home with me and give up his own job, his own life.

  He has no reason to. There’s nothing in it for him, and he hated living in that godforsaken place. He’ll find no one to settle down with in the middle of fucking nowhere. Finn needs the city to further his music career and be near our supportive friends.

  What about what you want, Theo?

  Well, what I want just doesn’t enter the equation. I have a duty to fulfil and there’s no getting out of it. My birth predetermined my destiny. But I’ll be alone the rest of my life. I’ll never marry. It’s not what I want…at all. I’ll enjoy being an uncle to Finn’s kids one day, though, and that will be enough for me.

  Imagining Finn being a father fills me with warmth and happiness and a sense of contentment. He’ll make an amazing dad, and not just because he wants it. He’s a natural nester; a homemaker. It helps that he’s a great cook, too, and he loves kids.

  I only hope I’ll be in his life enough to witness that.

  Finn has yet to learn the details of the discussion with my father. Romeo, my business partner, also needs to know, and I only have a few months left to break it to them.

  Jesus, my head isn’t just stuck in regular sand. I’m drowning in fucking quicksand and going under fast. My backbone hasn’t yet appeared from where it buggered off to. Until it does, I’ll keep avoiding the subject. I want to enjoy my last few months of freedom before I give up my life to lick Teddy’s boots.

  Rivulets of water sluice down my back as I deliberate, following a path to my buttocks and legs. Turning, I rinse the front and grab my sandalwood-scented body wash, squeezing a generous amount into my palm. I sigh, then work my shoulder-length hair into a lather, washing my body with my soapy hands.

  My dick has an extra-long wash for good measure. He deserves stress relief, too.

  After rinsing and turning off the spray, I step out and grab the nearest clean bath towel. Once I dry myself, I wrap the towel around my waist before entering my bedroom. A search in my drawers produces a pair of grey joggers, and I put them on before rejoining Finn in the kitchen.

  I find him washing dishes and cleaning, his back to me, as he sways his hips to a sensual rock ballad playing on his iPod. He hasn’t heard me enter the room, so I lean against the doorway, hands in my pockets and observe him for a few minutes. I often do this in secret. Finn fascinates me and it’s the only time I can look my fill without being obvious.

  Domesticated, thanks to his mother, he likes things neat and clean. I do, too, but work is so regimented, I like a little chaos at home. I often leave my things lying around the flat, which infuriates him into a cute little temper tantrum.

  Dark grey joggers and a white fitted t-shirt cling lovingly to his toned body. His favourite apron lies over the top, tied at his waist. It’s a naked-man apron I got him for Christmas two years ago. His bare feet have no flaws and move in graceful steps as he dances to the music.

  With dark, wavy hair, almost the same shade as mine, he wears it short at the back and sides and longer on top. The heat from the hot water in the sink has curled it even more than usual. The muscles in his back move through his t-shirt while he works. Finn’s solid, toned body lacks bulk but makes up for it in strength.

  He doesn’t need to turn around for me to admire those stunning cerulean eyes. They have small crinkles at the corners when he laughs, with the longest, darkest eyelashes I have ever seen. Girls envy them.

  Finn prefers the clean-shaven look. A long, straight nose adorns his angular face, and he has the plumpest pink lips. When he smiles those fucking dimples flay me.

  I swallowed hard and fidget.

  Able to describe every inch of his handsome face, I often wish we could be together because Finn completes me in every which way but one. Besides, even if we could, doesn’t mean he would want me back. I mean, there had been a time, way back, when w
e were sixteen…

  I shake myself from my musings, pissed off at the direction they’ve taken.

  Don’t go there, Theo…dangerous territory.

  “Hey, there, Fred Astaire. Need a Ginger Rogers?” Finn jumps and spins around breathless with a hand over his chest.

  “Shit, Theo. You almost gave me a heart attack. I’m not getting any younger. Jesus!”

  I chuckle as I pick up a dishtowel to dry the dishes, flicking it at his hip, knowing how much it irritates him.

  “I didn’t want to interrupt you during your Dirty Dancing moment. I watched your moves, Sunshine. You move well for a geriatric.”

  “Geriatric? I’m twenty-nine, the same as you, arsehole, and only a week older. I got plenty of moves left in me, Doc. Ones you haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing yet,” he says with a wry grin, twerking his shapely buttocks in front of me. “Anyway, Carlos wanted me to dance with him, and dinner is almost ready,” he informs me, removing his apron and gesturing to the naked male body on the front…AKA Carlos.

  As he turns to check the timer on the oven, I flick the towel again, catching him on his arse cheek with a loud crack.

  “Okay, that does it.”

  Before I even blink, he spins and lunges at me, attempting to snatch the towel out of my hand.

  Oh, game on, man.

  He chases me into the living room, both of us laughing as we run. I jump on the sofa and hold my hand up high, taunting him with the towel. He jumps on the sofa with me and pounces again, trying, but failing, to steal my weapon. If he stretches far enough, he would reach. We’re the same height, almost.

  “Come on, Sunshine, you can do better than that,” I tease, waving the towel just within his grasp.

  “Yeah, and when I get that towel from you, I will show you who can flick it the hardest.”

  “Oh, baby, keep talking dirty. You know I love it.” I love being flirty and playful with him.

  Unfortunately, that distraction is the chance he’s been waiting for, and he lunges once more, this time, clinging to me like a gibbon, as we topple backward onto the sofa; me flat on my back with Finn lying astride me.

  I still have my arm above my head holding the towel.

  We lock gazes, and my pulse hurtles into orbit. I see my reflection in his darkened eyes, our mouths so close, we’re breathing each other’s air.

  Virtually kissing.

  Those full pink lips call to mine as Finn’s tongue slips out and wets them a little. I bite my bottom lip and hold in a groan, each breath faster than the last. I need to move.

  His rapid heartbeat pounds against my chest. The warmth of our bodies, pressing together where our groins meet, causes me to break out in a sweat. The impulse to nuzzle the crook of his neck becomes impossible to resist. I want to lick…

  Now, Theo! Move before something happens you’ll regret later.

  But I don’t obey the voice in my head this time. The urge to surrender controls me as Finn gazes at me with hooded eyes and flushed cheeks. Uneven breaths puff out of him, ghosting over my needy mouth.

  The oven pings.

  Finn clears his throat and grabs the towel from my hand with a victory cry. I shake my head to clear the lust-fuelled fog. He jumps off me and flicks the towel at my leg.

  “It seems climbing you is a good way to distract you. No wonder Thalia does it. You’re so easy, Doc.”

  I almost made a fool of myself. Bloody hell.

  My face burns, my dick half hard. I resist the urge to adjust myself.

  “Nah, I let you win. You tried so hard, I took pity on you.” I wink and give him a goofy grin, trying to cover up my embarrassment and my semi.

  “Yeah, right, Mr. Sore Loser.”

  “Next time, Finn, I will kick your arse. I have skills, too.”

  “Challenge accepted. I’d like to see those skills you speak of.”

  He dries the last of the dishes as I stand up from the sofa and join him in the kitchen.

  “Oh, and you will. Soon,” I whisper in his ear. If he can resort to playing dirty, so can I.

  “Promises, promises.” We smile at each other; small, bashful smiles, both realising something happened just then. But we have our reasons for not acknowledging it. Well, I do, anyway.

  I put the dry dishes away and take a seat at the island, while Finn removes the casserole from the oven. He already set our places. Once we dish up our dinner and we begin eating, I look up at him, trying like hell to forget the embarrassing moment we just had.

  “So, I had an idea,” I put out there, fishing and hoping for a catch.

  Eyes flicking up from his food, he narrows them at me. “I know you and your ideas, Theo. They usually consist of partying, drinking, and getting laid.” He continues to eat while scanning me with suspicion.

  “Well, it’s been a while since we went clubbing. I thought we could go to BombShell tonight? I mean, seeing how you’re in a dancing mood…” I hedge, hoping he’ll go.

  Finn has become a bit of a homebody these days now that he writes music a lot more. He’s written a few jingles in the past, but he wants to write and release his own songs in the future. Not necessarily for fame; he just wants to share his talent with the rest of the world.

  “We could dance our fine arses off, maybe pick up some girls…or a guy and a girl…like old times.” I wiggle my brows. He’ll find this suggestion hard to resist. Music and dancing lives in his soul. Cavorting with women festers in mine.

  He pushes his now empty plate away. “Theo…I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I still have a lot of writing to do, and I don’t need sex on demand to have a good time or make me feel good. I can enjoy myself just fine staying in.” He drums his fingers on the worktop, considering the idea.

  “Doing what?” I counter. “Name one thing you can do in this flat that is better than getting your groove on with your best friend in the entire world? Who is also an incredible mover, don’t forget.” I grin at him, taking our empty plates to the sink.

  “Well, I can curl up on the couch and read a book or watch Netflix,” he replies while moving to the sink to rinse the plates.

  “Oh, Finn, that sounds like so much fun. I can hardly contain myself. Why did I ever suggest going out dancing and hooking up with two good-looking people?” I say with dripping sarcasm, then whisper in his ear, “While watching each other?”

  “You make an excellent point. Let me just shower and change, then we’ll go,” he concedes. I laugh aloud as he retreats in haste to his room.

  That was easier than I imagined.

  Chapter 5

  FINN

  Still early for the London club scene, the queue for BombShell barely exists.

  An upscale, multi-room nightclub, the LGBTQ+ community frequents BombShell, a great place to go dancing and meet people. Each room has its own theme, with Friday nights having the best vibes. Whatever itch you want to scratch, you can always scratch it at BombShell.

  It’s been a few weeks since we’ve been, but we’ve both been so busy these days, it’s left little time for clubbing.

  After stepping into the foyer, which leads to a long hallway branching off to each room, we head to the main room. This is a general nightclub theme. Housed on a dais at the back stands a DJ, surrounded by multicoloured lights that change with the tempo of the current track.

  A trendy bar runs along the right wall, sheltering a semi-private VIP area in the corner. Back-to-back silver couches run along the left wall, with low wooden tables separating them, and the dance floor has pride of place in the centre. To complete the overall effect, glitter balls and coloured lights hang from the ceiling.

  “Let’s get some beers?” Theo shouts over the pulsing music, gesturing toward the almost empty bar.

  “Yeah, sounds good,” I agree, following him while watching his sexy arse sway in his designer jeans.

  Finn, stop ogling your best friend.

  A shirtless bartender appears, wearing only a silver bow tie around his neck
and silver hot pants adorning his tight, sexy butt. Black Doc Martens complete the ensemble. He looks hot as hell.

  “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”

  Oblivious to the bartender checking him out while he gives him our order, Theo pays him when our beers arrive. I can’t help but catch the way the bartender’s eyes linger on Theo, a little too long for my liking.

  “If you need anything else, my name’s Rich. Gimme a shout,” he tells us, winking at Theo. Theo graces him with his usual dazzling smile. I just glare at him as he saunters off to tend to other customers.

  We turn our backs to the bar while drinking, watching other clubbers filter in through the door and filling the room. The clothes people wear at BombShell range from shirts and jeans to drag; to various stages of undress, usually as the evening wears on. We love it here.

  I mean, shirtless guys? Come on.

  My insides dissolve into liquid as I sneak a glance at Theo.

  He looks mouth-wateringly edible in his fitted black jeans and black V-neck shirt, which hugs every curve and muscle in his contoured body. Those chestnut curls sweep over to one side, framing his face to sit at the top of his well-defined shoulders. He has definition everywhere because of our daily workouts, but not too much muscle, just a perfect amount.

  He turns to me and smiles, his eyes full of warmth, and a tenderness usually only reserved for me. “Thanks for coming out with me tonight, Finn. I know you have a lot of writing to do. I need to blow off some steam, you know? The unexpected early finish put me in the party mood, and we might get laid.” He grins this time, those topaz blue eyes crinkling with mirth.

  “You’re insatiable.” I turn to face him and give him the truth. “I enjoy going out, you know I do. I just get stuck in my songwriting, and I hibernate. Sometimes, I need a kick up the arse, otherwise I’ll fester away in that flat until I’m a hundred, surrounded by twenty cats,” I only half joke. “Thanks for dragging me out tonight. And you’re right, we might get laid. It’s been a month for me. Not you, though. You’ve got a bloody revolving door to your room.”