by Lillie Jayne
Bloody hell. I was suffocating him.
I’ve never thought about what would happen if he couldn’t save me. I always just assumed he’d be enough to fix me. I never thought there would be a time such as now. He’s as helpless as I am because he blames himself. And yes, it was his idea, but I went along with it.
We both trusted without hesitation in the situations we got ourselves, and this time we were careless. How can Theo possibly fix something of this magnitude? He’s done what he can, but the rest is up to me. It’s my head that’s fucked.
Hearing Theo leave the flat to go to work, I wipe my eyes, throw on some clothes, and pack my biggest holdall. I move quickly, knowing what I have to do. Once I’m packed, I tear a sheet of paper from my notebook and hastily write him a goodbye letter.
After leaving it on the kitchen countertop for him to find, I pick up my holdall and guitar and take one last look at my previous life.
Then I walk out of the flat and away from Theo.
Chapter 13
THEO
“Hey, my man. You okay today?” my business partner and good mate, Romeo, asks as I walk back into the clinic after lunch.
He’s standing in reception looking over the afternoon appointments.
“Yeah, mate. Why do you ask?”
“You just seem distracted. A little quiet, if I’m honest, and not your usual peppy self. It’s very un-Theo.” He studies me, like I’m an enigma.
I don’t want to give myself away, so I wave off his comment. “Oh, yeah, I just had a shit night’s sleep last night. There was a very disturbing thumping noise coming from old Mrs. Peterson’s flat most of the night. Her room is right above mine. I don’t even wanna know what she was doing in there.” I grimace and shudder for effect. Not that I would’ve heard her if that had been true because I was wearing my headphones to block out the noise from Finn’s room.
Romeo laughs. “And how do you know where her bedroom is,” he teases as he raises one eyebrow and folds his arms.
“She told me once when she said she could hear what went on in mine,” I admit, which causes him to throw his head back and laugh. I smile for the first time that day.
“Well, I guess I can see why you look like shit today. I would, too, after that,” he declares as he walks away still laughing.
* * *
After an easy clinic and no major surgeries or emergencies, I head home to talk to Finn. The pulse in my neck kicks up a notch as I mull over our confrontation this morning. I don’t want another pointless argument. He hurt me a great deal, and that pain still grips me as I enter our flat. I avoid Mrs. Peterson again, thank fuck. I don’t think I can look that woman in the eye today.
I hang my jacket in the coat cupboard for once and walk into the lounge to find it empty.
“Finn, I’m home!” I yell, strolling to my room to take a shower and change my clothes. When I receive no reply, I knock on his door and open it.
“Finn? You in the bathroom?” I shout through his bathroom door.
Still no answer.
In fact, there’s an eerie stillness throughout the whole apartment. There’s something odd within his room, too. He’s made his bed for a start. That in itself is unusual for these last couple of weeks, but his guitar is missing from its stand in the corner.
Where the bloody hell is he?
Anger courses through my veins at his blatant disregard for me and our friendship. I asked him to stay home, and even though we parted on crappy terms, I hoped he would still stay in tonight and talk to me.
It’s obvious I mean nothing to him anymore, and if I do, he has a strange way of showing it. I’m trying to be understanding with him, but he’s testing my limits. I’m not asking for much. A moment of his time would suffice. Instead, he’s cut me out of his life deeper than a festering wound.
Infuriated, I pull my phone from my pocket and tap on his name to call him. It rings out twice then goes to voicemail.
What the actual fuck?
“Finn, where the hell are you? You couldn’t even stay in tonight for me? Well, fuck you, Finn…fuck you.”
A shout of rage tears from my lips as I throw my phone onto his bed and grasp the back of my neck. I throw myself onto his bed and stare at the ceiling while I try to take much-needed oxygen into my lungs.
Never have I suffered so much anguish since the day I found my father hitting sixteen-year-old Finn, calling him a queer. He hates our close bond and is always trying to tear us apart. I was so torn up that day. I wanted to knock him on his arse for laying a finger on Finn, let alone the vitriol he was spewing at him.
I roll onto my side, breathing in his scent to comfort me. I want to envelop myself in his bedding and just breathe him in for the rest of my life. As I do, I glance over at his dresser, noticing that each of his drawers are open a touch and look…empty?
In a panic, I jump off Finn’s bed and run over to the dresser, throwing open every drawer. Each one is empty. His underwear, socks, all gone, except a few old things he never wears anymore. I fling open his wardrobe doors to find the same. Empty coat hangers adorn the rails.
I clutch my abdomen and stagger backward toward his bedroom door, shaking my head, realisation dawning on me.
No. No, no, no. He hasn’t left me. He hasn’t. Finn wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t. We do fucking everything together. Always together. Together, always. He knows that. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
With my heart punching its way out of my chest, I turn and run into my room to see if he’s left any clues to his whereabouts. I’m frantic, desperate to find him by any means. Out of luck, I run to the lounge and search around there, finding nothing.
I’m sick to my stomach, nausea pitching through me at the realisation he’s left…has left me. I stagger over to the sink and dry heave. My chest aches and I rub to try to relieve the extreme pressure. I’m breathing hard and near to breaking.
I run back to Finn’s room to grab my phone, calling Dan on the way back to the kitchen for a drink.
He answers after the first ring. “Theo, I— ”
“Dan, have you seen or heard from Finn? I can’t find him. He’s gone, man,” I babble, almost incoherently, interrupting whatever he’s going to say.
I snatch a bottle of water from the fridge, gulping the cool liquid past my parched lips.
“Theo, mate. Yeah, I have.” He sighs. “He called me earlier to tell me he was going away for a while, but he wouldn’t tell me where. Said he had called the others telling them the same thing, so no point calling them, either.”
“What? So all of our friends get a fucking phone call, and I get nothing? His best friend for his entire life, and I don’t even deserve a goodbye? What the fuck, man?” Tears prick my eyelids as I swallow past the lump lodged in my windpipe.
“Theo, listen. He said something about leaving you a letter, explaining. I tried to get him to stay, to talk to you about whatever was chewing him up. But he just said he had to leave, and it was for the best. I’m sorry, mate. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”
“Letter? I haven’t found a bloody letter. I’ve been all over this flat and found bugger all.”
In a hurry, I search the kitchen countertops, desperation interfering with my concentration.
“Well, go look again, Theo. If he said he’d left you a letter, I believe him, and listen…if you need anything, anything at all, you just call me, okay? Even if it’s just to talk, I’m here for you. I hope you know that.”
I stand up straight, tears now blurring my vision. “Yeah, thanks, Dan. I have to go search the flat again. Thanks again.”
“Anytime, Theo. Bye, mate.” He hangs up as a loud sob tears from my throat and an ache settles in my gut, knocking the steam out of me.
I fall into a kitchen chair, drop my head in my hands, and let my tears fall to the floor. He’s gone. He’s left without saying goodbye. I don’t know how to carry on without him. My whole life has been about Finn and me. I don’t know how to be anything else. I don’
t want to be. Even my work, which I love, is second to Finn. Everything in my life is. I’m consumed by him.
Pleasing him.
Helping him.
Being there for him.
Some people say it’s unhealthy, the nature of our relationship. Maybe it is, but I do it all because I love him. Not because I’m obliged to, or I pity him, or because he’s my friend. I do it because he’s the other half of me. Two halves of one whole, that’s Finn and me. At least, it had been, until today. I thought he reciprocated that love in every way. Until I came home and found he had desecrated our relationship by leaving me.
I’m ugly crying now, like a fucking girl, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t care about anything anymore. My only reason for breathing has left, so what’s the point in existing? I get up and grab some kitchen paper for my face and fall back into my chair. As I do, the corner of something white pokes out from underneath the kitchen counter.
I scramble onto the floor and pick up the folded paper with my name written across the middle in Finn’s elegant script.
The letter.
I stare at the folded, lined paper, dreading reading his goodbye, yet yearning to see his beautiful handwriting and reading his words one last time. I open the cupboard and grab the half-empty bottle of Jack, walking back to Finn’s room and lying on his bed to read his words. After swallowing a large swig of whiskey, I slowly unfold the page with shaking hands.
My Beloved Theo,
Out of everything I have ever written, or will write in the future, this has been, and will always be, the hardest.
All I have known my entire life is you. You have always been my best friend. You have always been my brother. You have always supported me, fought my battles, put my own needs above your own, and you have always been there for me.
We’ve been through a great deal, you and I. I’ll never forget the way you stood up to your old man for me, bandaged my grazed knees when I stumbled, and looked after me when I was sick. You have done more for me than I can ever repay, which is why I am doing this for you now.
It’s my turn to look after you, Theo, because you deserve to have someone have your back, too. I’m so fucking sorry about all the mean things I said to you this morning…you don’t know how sorry I am. I’m sorry for the many times I’ve hurt you lately. You are the last person I ever want to lose, but I’m losing you anyway by treating you the way I have been, and that stops now.
I’m holding you back from your life. You need to be free to spread your wings, look out for yourself only, and be free to just be you without an injured bird tucked into your pocket. This is your life, too, and you only get one, so go live it. Hook up as much as you want. Date, fall in love, or just…be you. Be Theo, instead of one half of Theo and Finn.
I want you to know I love you, Theo. I love you so fucking much. It kills me to hurt you the way I do, yet I just don’t know how to stop. I have so many feelings churning around inside me, I don’t know how to handle them. I’m falling apart, and I need to take some time to get better. And I will. I promise that to you.
I don’t know where I’m going, but it’s time to leave you for a while…leave us. I don’t know how long I’ll be away, but when I get settled somewhere, I will send you a message to let you know I’m safe. I don’t want you to worry.
I’m sorry to break our vow, but it’s the only way for us both to breathe and figure shit out.
I will come back to you someday.
Love forever, always.
Finn xx
P.S. I have put a new playlist in your iPod entitled “Finn’s Heart.” Listen to it when you have some spare time, in particular track three.
I take another few swigs from the bottle as I re-read the letter, letting my tears drip onto the page, blurring the words so eloquently written.
He broke our vow.
Did it ever mean anything to him? Did I ever mean anything to him? All these years, us against the world, now just seem empty. Like it never happened. I drink again, enjoying the burn of the liquor in my throat, coating my churning insides like hellfire. I relish in it, the pain. I need to feel something other than fucking hollow.
I clutch the letter to my chest and roll to my side, breathing him in again. If it’s the only piece of him I have left, then I’m never letting go.
He said something about my iPod. Track three…
I pick up his pillow along with the letter and the whiskey and retreat to my room in search of my iPod. It’s already in the speaker dock on my nightstand. I lie on my bed hugging Finn’s pillow and letter, swigging my whiskey as I select “Finn’s Heart,” track three.
The introduction of Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” fills the room as I listen to every word. Every word my best friend is using to tell me something. Finn communicates through music and lyrics, words and verse. It’s how he expresses himself best, and now he’s telling me… what, Finn?
Oh my God. He loves me. As in, truly loves me. My best friend is in love with me.
Shock ripples through me, stealing the breath from my lungs at the realisation that Finn is in love with me. How the fuck have I missed this? How have I been so blind? It must have been torturing him. God knows how long he’s felt this way.
Dammit, Finn. You should have said something.
Would it have made a difference if he had?
I kept quiet, too.
Ever since that kiss at Violet’s party when we were sixteen. That was the first and only time I ever kissed a guy—well, kissed Finn—and I got an erection. It was the hottest kiss I ever had. Still was to this day.
Holy fuck.
My mind scrambles with the overload of information and emotions rampaging through my body. I’m so confused, so I keep drinking to numb the pain. I’ve put Finn through hell, and he left so I can live my life the way I want.
The way I want to live my life is with Finn, not without him. Only him. All those random girls, they were irrelevant. I was unimportant to them, too. I never let them get close, always told them that. I was seeking in them what I couldn’t have from Finn.
Jesus Christ, I’m a bastard.
No wonder he left. I wouldn’t want to be around me, either. I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone I loved but could never have.
Haven’t I been doing the same thing?
It was cruel. He deserves to move on from this, find someone he can fall in love with and have a proper relationship. I’m commitment shy, anyway. It would never have worked. He’d want to settle down and be exclusive. That’s the way Finn is.
We’re already committed, though. Except for sex with women, I’ve committed my life to him.
My head is pounding from crying and trying to figure out which way is up. I’m also drunk and sleepy and missing Finn with a desperation I’ve never experienced. I need him to take my next breath. I want to lie here and hold him and never let go.
The next song in the playlist begins, filling the room with the sound of Plumb’s “Don’t Deserve You” as my heart breaks, realising it’s true.
Finn is in love with me.
And I don’t know what to do about that.
Chapter 14
FINN
“What the hell?” Ellis gasps as I stand on her doorstep with red, puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “Come inside, and I’ll make some tea. Or perhaps something stronger? You look like you could use it.”
After ushering me inside and onto a comfy sofa, Ellis pours a Scotch and thrusts it into my cold, shaking hands. I take slow sips, the burn flowing like lava down my throat and into my tender stomach. Nausea has been my only companion since leaving the flat this morning, and there’s no sign of it diminishing.
Ellis sits in a chair opposite the sofa as I study my glass instead of her face. “Want to talk about it, sweetie? What’s upset you like this?”
I shake my head, still staring at the swirling amber liquid in the tumbler. Talking isn’t on my list of priorities, yet, I don’t know what else
to do. Or where to go. The decision to leave was spontaneous, based on a maelstrom of emotions swirling through me. No consideration given to anything else other than my pain and Theo’s suffering.
Ellis waits patiently until I’m ready. She knows me well and has been a good friend since we moved here. Sweet and loyal, she can also be a sassy bitch when the situation calls for it. I love her dearly, which is why I’ve ended up at her house.
“I…I…I’m not sure where to start. It’s all fucked up, Ellis. It’s all so fucked up, and I’m drowning.” I sob, weeping fat tears and sniffling.
Ellis takes the glass, places it on the end table, and hands me a tissue. She waits for me to calm down before continuing.
“I’ve left. I’ve left home for a while, and I don’t know when I’m going back. If ever.” Ellis’s mouth gapes open when she studies my face and realises I’m serious.
“Bloody hell, Finn. That was not what I was expecting you to say. I mean, I didn’t know what you would say, but I didn’t expect that. What made you leave? Does Theo know?”
“He didn’t this morning when I left, but he will soon when he gets home from work. I left him a letter explaining…”
“Hey, don’t tell me if you don’t want. I don’t mean to pry, but you’re a mess, hon.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind telling you, but I need you to promise you won’t tell any of the others I’ve been here. I don’t want Theo to find me. Tell them I said I was going away for a little while but you don’t know where. Please, Ellis, promise me?” I plead, hoping she’ll agree. It’s imperative Theo doesn’t find me. I refuse to be a burden to him anymore.
“Jesus, Finn, what the hell is so awful that you’ve walked out on Theo? Did he…” Ellis asks with an incredulous expression on her face. Shit, she thinks, what? That Theo has hurt me?