by Lillie Jayne
“Fuck no. No, Ellis, Theo hasn’t hurt me. He would never. Well, not intentionally anyway,” I scoff, rubbing my hands together to help defrost the blood in them.
“Well, what, then? What’s got you in such a state, Finn? I’ve never seen you like this before, and it upsets me. You can’t blame me for imagining the worst.”
“No, of course not. I would think the same thing. Only, it’s difficult to talk about. So bloody difficult. Something terrible happened to me. Something only Theo knows about because I asked him to keep quiet. But it’s been slowly destroying me these last couple of weeks, and I’m scared he’ll end up hating me. I couldn’t bear that.” I sniff and take some even breaths to stave off a fresh round of tears.
I need to calm down to tell her what happened.
“In your own time, Finn. I’m in no hurry,” she soothes, holding my hand. It’s warm and comforting and helps to calm my nerves enough to carry on.
“There’s no easy way to say this, and no easy way to hear it. So, I’m just going to put it out there. A couple of weeks ago, Theo and I went to BombShell, and we met this couple, as we had done many times in the past. Except this time was different. This time, they took us to a private booth in the Red Room, and I…I…the guy raped me.”
There, I said it.
I blow out the breath I’ve been holding and glance over at Ellis. She’s pale and shell-shocked; her mouth pinching, tears pooling in her eyes.
“Jesus, Finn…I…fuck…I…oh my God. Are you okay? I don’t even know what to say to you right now. Except I want to kill that sadistic bastard and bury him in the ocean where the sharks can feed on his rotting carcass. Come here, sweetie.” She throws herself at me and holds on tight, squeezing me to her chest. I squeeze back and weep into her shirt, my tears making a damp circle on the material.
We sit for a while, just hugging, while Ellis rocks me like a child and strokes my hair. Her embrace is a great comfort, and while she isn’t Theo, she’s the next best thing, and the next best friend I have.
Ellis and her girlfriend, Fiona, suit each other. She’s the salt of the earth, too, and has a feisty side. She can also curse as bad as Theo and won’t hesitate to fight for what she believes in and loves. They are both amazing people.
I pull away from Ellis and wipe my eyes as my heartbeat steadies into a rhythmic pulse instead of a racing thump. Then, I continue as Ellis takes her seat once again.
“Tell me what happened, Finn? Where was Theo if you went into that room together?”
So I tell her.
I tell her what happened, except what Theo was doing outside because I still don’t understand that little debacle. And, I tell her everything that’s happened since.
About going out dating and drinking every night, minus a few details I keep to myself. Ones even Theo doesn’t know. Then, I explain what happened this morning and what caused me to leave. I’m washed out and limp by the time I’m finished.
I glance up to see Ellis with tears of her own slowly falling from her eyes. I know she’s hurting for me, which is why I don’t want to overload her shoulders with my secrets. It’s a heavy load to carry, even for me. My friends shouldn’t hold my pain.
“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry you had to endure all that, and I’m so bloody angry at that sicko. He needs locking up, Finn. Why won’t you tell the police?”
“I can’t, Ellis. They would never believe it. I don’t even believe it myself. How the hell can you rape someone who was a willing participant? Why would he drug me and rape me? What motive did he have? I can’t answer any of those questions, so what hope would I have of convicting him? It’s better to move on and forget about it, which is what I’ve been trying to do.”
“You can’t move on just like that, hon. It takes time, and it’s only been a few weeks. Don’t rush it, or you could set yourself back. Are you sure you can’t work things out with Theo? He’ll flip when he realises you’ve left. It will devastate him. You’re more than welcome to stay in the spare room for as long as you want. I’m not kicking you out. It’s just…you two, well, you have such a special bond.”
I sigh past the lump in my throat as I imagine how upset Theo will be, which breaks my heart further. A knife has lodged itself in my chest, and I can’t pull it out, no matter how hard I try.
“We have, or at least we did, but this has changed something between us that neither of us is able to fix. He wants to help me, be my knight on a white horse, but I need to handle it on my own. He can’t help me with this, and I keep lashing out at him and being a prick…hurting him. The things I said to him this morning…” I break off, trembling, nausea swirling in my gut as I remember comparing him to his father.
Bloody hell, Finn, you utter bastard.
Fat tears fall in rivulets down my face. I’m devastated at the shit storm I’ve caused. Ellis plucks another tissue from the box and dabs at my cheeks as she looks at me with a puzzled look on her face.
“Do you mind if I say something, Finn? Something honest?”
“No, Ell. I always appreciate your advice.”
This will be something I won’t want to hear. Her furrowed brow worries me a little. She places her hand on mine before speaking as she looks me straight in the eye.
“You’re in love with him.”
“Ell, I…no, I’m not. We…I mean, he would never…” I stammer. She’ll see straight through my lies, yet telling the truth means admitting it to someone else, and so far, that’s been my secret to keep. If the truth is out there, it will become something tangible.
“I can see it, Finn. Fiona and I can both see it. You guys are devoted to each other. You share something only couples share, except without the benefits. Don’t worry. We haven’t mentioned this to anyone else, although it’s pretty obvious, sweetie.”
“Shit. Don’t say that. Don’t bloody say that, Ellis. I didn’t want anyone to know, especially not Theo. If he ever found out…oh, Jesus, if he ever found out, our friendship would be over for good.” Pain lances through my chest and grips my throat, squeezing my larynx. I shudder and drop my head in my hands. Imagining life without Theo in it at all is unbearable.
Ellis rubs my back in circular motions. “If you’re in love with him, why do you think leaving is the best choice?”
“Don’t you see? We’re destroying each other. We rely on each other too much. I rely on him, and it’s time he had some freedom. He needs to breathe without the burden of looking after me, and I need to know if I can survive on my own without him. One day, he’ll find his other half, and I…well, I need to set him free. It’s killing me, but it has to be this way.”
“Oh, Finn. Have you considered the possibility that he may love you back? You may be his other half. Theoretically, you already are.”
“What? No…no way. There’s no way Theo is in love with me. Yeah, he loves me like a brother, but not romantically or sexually. Have you forgotten he’s into women?”
Ellis stops rubbing my back and smiles a knowing smile. “Yes, but he could be bisexual and not realise it. Better yet, he could be in denial about his feelings for you like you were for him. Sometimes, it’s not the sex of the person we fall in love with but the person themselves. You’re bi, you know this.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, kind of. We can be attracted to who the person is rather than what equipment they have.” She has a valid point. “But Theo never gets to know the women he has sex with, he just sleeps with them, then moves on to the next.”
“Exactly, so he isn’t romantically attracted to them. He may be romantically attracted to you, though. It’s not impossible, Finn, is it?”
“I see where you are going with this”—I sigh, throwing my hands up in frustration—“and it’s not impossible, but it is improbable. He’s never given me any sign of being attracted to me in any way. And even if he wanted me romantically, I still have a dick, Ell. How can a straight guy get past that?”
She glares at me like I’m stupid. With matters of the heart, I’m bloody clueless. �
��How do you know he can’t? Have you ever told him how you feel? Have you ever given him a chance to deny it? He has a homophobic wanker of a father. Perhaps that holds him back?”
I stand and fold my arms, chewing my bottom lip. Can this be a possibility? Getting my hopes up will only end in heartbreak. After all these years, there would have been some sign. Theo is a very tactile person. I cannot imagine he would have held back his feelings.
I’ve held mine back from him, though, haven’t I? If I’ve done that, then Theo could have done the same. But all those women? At least I’d been with guys, too.
And he’s shown no interest in men. Not a single one. Unless he’s only interested in me… Shit, I can’t go there. I refuse to go there. I’m hurting enough already. Hopefully, I haven’t given myself away over the years.
“Oh, shit. Fuck!” I curse out loud when the memory of my goodbye letter pops into my mind. I forgot half of what I wrote in my despair and desperation to leave.
“What?” Ellis asks, concerned when she notices my wide-eyed stare.
“I told him. In the letter, I told him I loved him. I think I’ve just fucked everything up, Ell. I think I’ve just lost him for good. Shit.” I clutch my biceps as my heart breaks once again and tears flood my eyes.
Ellis comes over and hugs me to her shoulder. “It could be a good thing, honey. If he knows, then he might admit it, too. Wait and see. Give him time. Until then, you can stay here. I’ll make the bed up in the spare room for you.”
I nod and swipe at my face, wrung out from all the crying. Humiliation is also smothering me for pouring my heart out in that letter. It’s done now, and I can’t take it back, not that I want to. If Ellis’s theory is right, then it’s best to tell Theo how I feel. I’ll know for sure, one way or another.
“Okay, thanks. I think I’ll take a hot shower and get in some dry clothes. Thanks for being here for me, Ellis.” I smile and hug her again.
“Anytime, Finn, you know that. I’m glad you came to me. I’ll make us something to eat and open some wine while you take your shower. Fiona will be over soon. We can have a girls’ night, if you like?”
“Um…what exactly does a girls’ night entail? I don’t want to end up looking like Cruella De Vil. I work hard on this face. No need to spoil perfection,” I sass, the corner of my mouth tilting up.
Ellis chuckles. “You should know by now, honey, we’re more ‘beer and action movie’ kinda girls than Disney princesses.”
“Yeah, sounds good, actually.” I grin as I leave the room with my backpack and my thoughts. As good as a girls’ night sounds, it’ll be a long night without Theo.
The first of many.
* * *
After a long, shitty night’s sleep, it’s time to turn my phone on. I left it switched off all day, knowing Theo would try to call me at some point. It would have been pointless talking to him. He would’ve persuaded me to return home, easily I might add, and I would’ve gone running back rendering this whole “time apart” trial a waste of time.
He’ll be upset—of that I have no doubt. If he feels anything like I do, he’ll be in ruins. I barely closed my eyes the entire night, and when I did, I only saw Theo. His handsome face, full, rosy, pink lips and that thick, silky hair. I groan and flip onto my belly, squashing my face into my deep feather pillow.
Without looking, I stretch over to the nightstand and fumble for my phone. Time to face the music. I don’t want to do this. It’s far too soon. But I have to have my phone on so my agent can contact me, and my students, even though I’ve informed everyone I’m taking a few weeks off.
I heave my body up and lean on my elbows as I switch on the device. Three missed calls. Only three? I’m not sure if I’m offended or pleased, such is my bewilderment, as I expected a load more. My letter must have got through to him more than I presumed it would. If that’s true, it’ll be the first time he’s ever listened to me.
The call list shows I have two from Gerry, my agent, and only one from Theo. Weird. I listen to the ones from Gerry to begin with, yelling at me to call him as soon as I can, both times. Then, I move on to the missed call from Theo. Tapping the voicemail button, I wait.
“Finn, where the fuck are you? You couldn’t even stay in tonight for me? Well, fuck you, Finn…fuck you!”
Theo’s throaty voice shouts in my ear through the speaker. Bloody hell, he’s as angry as fuck. He sounds distraught and the ache tugs at my chest, widening the hole that my departure has punched there. The ache spreads to my neck and throat, eventually reaching my eyes.
I turn over and stare at the ceiling, my vision blurry through the bitter tears. He’s mad at me. Of course he bloody well is. What did I expect? Sunshine and rainbows? He’ll not be thrilled about me walking out on him, let alone leaving him a fucking Dear John letter.
The raw anguish in his voice makes me regret the decision to leave, just for a moment. But I know, deep down in the depths of my soul, that it’s the right course of action for both of us. He’ll see that in time, too. What he’s going through now will fade, given space. I’m sure it will…at least I hope it will. It’s too damn unbearable to live with, otherwise.
Before the tumult of emotions can overwhelm me, the phone in my palm rings, startling me into dropping it on my chest. I snatch it up, checking to see who’s calling me. Nervousness thrums through my hands, shaking them badly as I stare at the screen to see it’s Gerry calling. I blow out a breath of relief before speaking.
“Good morning, Gerry,” I greet, non-committed.
“Oh, Finn, thank fuck I got hold of you.”
“What is it, Gerry? I already told you I needed a few weeks off for personal reasons. I work bloody freelance, you know, and I rarely take a break.”
“I know, I know, don’t shoot the messenger, but I figured you’d want to take this one. It’s a good one, kid. A real good one.”
I sit up at that. Now he has my attention. “Continue, and leave nothing out. You know I like details.”
Gerry blows a laugh into the phone. I can hear traffic noises in the background. He’s in the city. “Well, well, who’s interested now, eh? Okay, so here’s the deal. Deep Red Dawn are down a lead guitarist because Arrow took a tumble down the stairs when he was pissed, stupid fucker. If he didn’t drink so fucking much he wouldn’t—”
“Okay, I get it…Arrow fell down the stairs. Get to the point, Gerry,” I snap, impatient to hear what it is he’s about to tell me. I have an idea but I need him to say it.
“Yeah, so anyway, turns out he only went and broke his leg, two places. The tibia, I think it was, or was it the fibula—”
“Gerry, for fuck’s sake, man, get to the damn point.”
“They want you, Finn. They want you to play lead guitar for them so they can finish their UK tour before Christmas, otherwise, they’ll have to cancel the rest of their shows.”
Silence.
I only realise Gerry has finished speaking when he repeats my name down the phone numerous times. “Shit, Gerry, they are one of the biggest rock bands in the country and one of my favourites. Are you sure? I mean, me, really?”
“Fuck yes, kid. They want you. They listened to your sound reel after a few recommendations, and they want to hear you play for them tomorrow. You better start rehearsing because there’s no way they won’t snap you up.” Gerry is smiling, I can hear it in his voice.
“What time and where? I’ll be there with fucking bells on, Gerry.”
“Well, that might be a little overkill, kid. But be at the studio at nine sharp. If all works out, they want to go straight into rehearsals, and onto the next venue the day after.”
I’m knocked sideways. What are the chances of Deep Red Dawn wanting me to play lead guitar for them? It doesn’t seem real.
“That doesn’t leave me much rehearsal time, but it’s doable. Luckily, I’ve practiced most of their songs already. I just need to chart the chords, then I’m good to go.”
“Great, I knew I could rely on
you, Finn. The gig should last a couple of months. Their last tour date is December fifth, here at Wembley. Just in time for Christmas, and a nice little earner for you,” he chuckles. I can just picture him rubbing his hands together with glee.
“Okay, well, I’d better go get to work. Thanks, Gerry. This wasn’t what I was expecting when you called.”
“Me, neither, kid…me, neither.”
I disconnect the call and sit staring at my phone like it will say, “Ha ha. Fooled you, fucker.” I can’t gather my thoughts enough to decide how I feel about this. On one hand, it’s a dream come true, especially to play at Wembley Stadium. How many people get that chance?
But, although I’ve played for some minor artists and bands in the past, it was nothing compared to this. And what about Theo? It’ll be almost three months away from home, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Not that I have a plan for how long I’ll stay away, but faced with the reality of it being three months…well, it’s like forever.
I’m just a small fish in a big pond, and usually, I’m content to stay that way. I love the session work I do in the studio, updating my library and hearing my music used in jingles and TV shows, and I love teaching guitar. Seeing my student master a new skill or witnessing the pride on their face when they master a new riff or key change. It makes it worthwhile.
This, though. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and one I’m unwilling to turn down. Fate has stepped in and dealt her hand at the right time. There’s a chance I would have turned it down if I’d still been at home. I wouldn’t have wanted to be away from Theo, even though I wouldn’t have said so. I would have invented some lame excuse for not doing it.
This will be the perfect test to prove to myself that I can stand on my own two feet, without him by me every step of the way. And what better way to prove it than to invite him to see me play at Wembley. Yes, that will be the perfect Christmas gift this year.
I won’t tell him before then, though. I want to keep it to myself for now, so we can both heal and move forward from the last few weeks.