by Lillie Jayne
I only hope I’m up for the job.
Chapter 15
THEO
The cold tiles are soothing against my flushed face as I awake, naked, on my bathroom floor. A fine sheen of sweat covers my body, and I tremble from it drying on my skin.
Rifling through my brain, I panic as I try to remember how I got here. With a parched mouth and cracked lips, my stomach churns, threatening to erupt any second. I attempt to sit up, my head pounding with every beat of my heart.
I don’t even know what fucking day it is.
I clutch my aching skull as I look around in the dim light coming from the small lamp above the mirror. An empty whiskey bottle lies on the floor along with my clothes. It looks like I was about to take a shower and passed out, for how long I don’t know. When did I last shower? Fuck knows. Showering is the furthest thing from my mind. Even basic survival isn’t the top priority since Finn left.
Finn.
The prospect of being without him makes my stomach heave, and I fling myself over the toilet, the taste of sour alcohol burning its way up my throat. I heave once more, torturing myself with thoughts and memories of the happy times we shared. Times we laughed and cried together and also times when we would just be comfortable in each other’s company with no words. We needed none between us, or so I thought.
I fall back onto the cool floor and rub my face in anger. I’m a fucking mess. What was I thinking? I have responsibilities. My job, for one, though that hardly matters now. It isn’t my job that makes me feel alive. Well, not the main thing anyway. It isn’t this flat or my income that makes me happy. I don’t need the money. It definitely isn’t all the women I screw either, as I now realise.
My unused muscles protest as I pick myself up off the floor like a newborn giraffe, reeling out of my room and along to the kitchen, still naked with tears streaking down my face. I hunt through the cupboards in a daze until I find what will solve my problems. With a full bottle of vodka in hand, I make my way along the hall and back to my bedroom, bumping into anything that dares get in my way.
I unscrew the cap of the new bottle of vodka and swig until I can no longer breathe, coughing with the burn that follows. My gaze catches my iPod, still in the dock, still containing the songs Finn left for me. It’s been playing on a continuous loop ever since, and I reach out to play it again. The lyrics filter out through the speaker, filling up my empty heart, only to break it all over. I drink again, as I inhale what’s left of Finn’s scent on his pillow, desperately missing the other piece of me.
From somewhere in the depths of my room, my mobile phone rings out, demanding I answer. I groan, launching a pillow in the sound’s direction like a heat-seeking missile. I don’t want any interruptions during my melancholy. I need to be alone.
My eyes spring open at the thought it could be Finn calling. I stumble over to the wall where the phone is lying, buzzing and ringing with determination. I frown when I note the cracked screen and realise I must have thrown it at the wall, not having any recollection of the event.
Holding the phone to my ear without checking the caller display, I bark into the microphone. “Finn? Is that you?”
“Theo? Oh, thank God. I’ve called you six times today already.”
“Romeo?” I rasp, the words slurred as I rub my free hand over my face and fall back on the bed. “What’s up, man?”
“What’s up with me? What’s up with you? When you didn’t turn up for work today, I was worried something had happened to you, especially when you didn’t answer your bloody phone. What the hell is going on? Do you need me to come over?” Romeo sounds frantic, but I’m too numb to care.
I slug down more vodka. It’s my new water.
“No, no need to come over. I’m fine and dandy. Just me and my best friend vodka, catching up on old times. His banter isn’t as funny as Finn’s, but he blocks the pain in my chest, you know? Fuck, he does.” My slurring is getting worse the more I drink, but I continue on my path to oblivion, anyway.
“Theo, my man”—Romeo sighs, ready to lecture me about the perils of drinking—“you can’t drink your problems away. It won’t solve anything. It makes you feel worse. Why don’t I drop by after work and take you out for something to eat? I bet you haven’t had a decent meal in days.”
My eyelids grow heavy as I fight the wave of exhaustion that suddenly engulfs me. I tip the bottle to my lips and shake out the remaining drops of vodka.
“Romeo, don’t come over. I’m alright. I just need to sleep.”
“Theo, you need your friends around you. Trust me, it will help. Don’t do this alone.”
“I had my best friend in the entire universe living with me, but he fucking left me, Romeo. Left. Me. We have never been apart, and it fucking hurts, man…it hurts…” My voice breaks as I weep down the phone.
I’m a fucking loser.
“Theo…”
“No, man, I’m dealing with it in my own way. I’ll call you when I’m coming back to work. Until then, hold the fort for me?”
“Of course. Anything you need. You know where I am, okay?”
“Okay, must sleep now,” I slur again, then drop the cracked phone on the floor as I drift once more into beautiful unconsciousness.
* * *
“Oh, fuck!” I splutter, startled awake by ice cold water cascading over my head. My chest heaves, gasping for the breath the cold has stolen from me.
“Romeo, put some coffee on, please, while I clean up in here. Then we can get him into some clean clothes. It’s not the first time I’ve done this for him, although, it has been years.”
Surveying my bathroom, I watch Romeo retreat from the room to carry out Dan’s orders, while Dan gathers cleaning supplies and pulls on rubber gloves.
“What the fuck, mate? What are you both doing here?” I gasp through the river of cold water running down my face and over my chattering teeth. I realise I’m slumped in the corner of my shower, naked and shivering, as Dan cleans the floor and the toilet.
He stops scrubbing and turns to face me, a look of concern cloaking his handsome features. “Romeo called me after he spoke to you this morning. You worried him sick, Theo. He said you had worked yourself up into a state over Finn leaving but refused his help. We came to visit you together, to drag your arse out to eat. Just as well we did, the state you were in.”
Dan resumes his cleaning with vigour. It’s obvious he’s upset with me.
“How the fuck did you get in?” I ask, perturbed that he could access my flat so easily.
“Mrs. Peterson was knocking at your door, frantic because she heard yelling and crying and what sounded like things being thrown around the flat. She called the building manager, who arrived just after us with a key. We reassured him we would check on you while he tried to calm the old woman down and prevent her having a stroke. She thought you were being attacked, Theo,” he admonishes, before softening his voice. “We were all concerned about you.”
Dan stands, clears away, and turns off the shower at last, satisfied it’s done its job. I drop my head into my hands and let out a humiliated moan. My behaviour has been inexcusable. I worried my friends, scared an old lady senseless, and all because I couldn’t get my fucking act together.
“I’m so sorry, Dan. Truly, I am. I’ll apologise to Mrs. Peterson when I’m a little more presentable. And I’m sorry for worrying you and Romeo. I just…” I pause when my lip wobbles. A violent shiver runs through my body, the cold from the shower now seeping into my bones.
Dan removes his rubber gloves and reaches out to help me up. “Come on. Let me help you dry off and find some clean clothes. Then, we’ll have coffee and talk about it.”
I nod in silence, afraid to utter words in case the tears begin again. I put a damp arm around Dan’s shoulder and lean against him as he helps me into a towel and into my bedroom. I watch him root around in my drawers for some sweatpants and a t-shirt while I sit on my bed, cold from the shower and numb from the pain.
My room is a fucking mess. Empty bottles scatter the floor, along with various photographs of Finn and me; and bedding I must have pulled from the bed, no doubt to sleep on the floor. Holes in the wall catch my eye, compelling me to look at my bruised knuckles. I flex them to make sure they’re not broken, relieved when they move just fine with little pain.
“Here, put these on,” Dan orders, handing me the clothes. “I’ll be in the kitchen with Romeo. Come and have some coffee with us when you are ready, okay?”
Again, I just nod.
Dan squeezes my shoulder in a show of support as he leaves me in my messy room to get dressed. Once the door closes, silent tears fall as I take my time pulling on each item of clothing, my sore muscles screaming in protest. For what I’ve put my friends through, I deserve every bit of pain and more. I’m so ashamed, but the pain of losing Finn still feasts on me, body and soul.
I dry my tears on my arm and head into the living room, the smell of fresh brewed coffee permeating my nostrils. Bile climbs up my throat at the thought of drinking it, but I need to drink something other than alcohol. And the caffeine will help my hangover somewhat. I wonder what Finn is doing at the moment; whether he is drinking coffee, too.
More so, I wonder where the hell he is.
“Hey, man, here, sweet black coffee to help with the hangover. And Romeo made you some toast to line your stomach. Try to eat as much as you can.” Dan is such a sweet guy and a great friend. They both are.
I take a seat at the island and sip my coffee, staring in revulsion at the toast in front of me. The smell alone turns my stomach.
“Thanks, guys. I mean it. You didn’t have to do this, but I appreciate it all the same. I have little recollection of events since Finn left. It’s all just a blur. Was it bad?”
I’m not only referring to myself and my behaviour, I’m also suggesting the mess in the flat.
Romeo’s and Dan’s eyes meet, sharing a silent conversation privy only to them.
Romeo nods to Dan, who takes a deep breath before responding. “When we stepped into the flat, we couldn’t find you. But the place was trashed, Theo. We thought someone had robbed you or something. Then we heard you groaning from the bathroom. I ran in first and found you lying naked on the floor. You had thrown up all over yourself and the floor, and you were pretty much unconscious. Romeo and I dragged you into the shower and turned on the cold water which, thankfully, woke you up.”
“Fucking hell,” I groan into my shaking hands. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“Why, though, Theo? I mean, why do this again? I thought after the last time…Did you ever tell Finn about that? Maybe if he knew he might not have left—”
“No, and I don’t want him to know, Dan. He has to choose his own path, and if he knows I can’t cope without him, he’ll have no freedom. I can’t tie him down like that. It wouldn’t be fair.” My heart is beating staccato in my ribcage waiting for Romeo, who has been quiet and contemplative up to now, to ask the obvious. It’s not a secret, but there are some things I prefer not to discuss.
“You’ve done this before?” he asks, his eyes wide with surprise.
I wipe my hands on my sweats and hang my head, nodding.
“Yes,” I reply, awkward and ashamed as I take a deep breath. “It was many years ago now, at college. Do you remember Finn dated a guy called Jack for a little while?”
He nods in acknowledgment, while Dan squeezes my shoulder in a show of solidarity.
“Well, they first met back when we were teenagers, still living at home. Jack Foster was our stable boy, working weekends and school holidays. Turns out, Finn and Jack took a shine to each other. He was Finn’s first real kiss—”
“Wait,” Romeo interrupts, “didn’t you guys kiss at a party when you were sixteen? I’m sure you told me that story.”
I rub the back of my neck, face flushed. “Yeah, we did, but that wasn’t a real kiss. It didn’t truly count because someone dared us to do it. I mean, he and Jack fancied each other…a lot, it turns out…and used to sneak into the stables to kiss when my father was out of town.”
I pause and take another deep breath to steady my rapid pulse, running my still shaking hands through my damp hair. Then I tell them the story of the day my father caught them. The day I caught him hitting Finn.
I stand from my seat and pace next to my two friends, who watch me with trepidation, as I relay the rest of the story. I thrust my hands in my pockets and stop pacing to look at them.
“Fucking hell.” Romeo blows out a rush of air as he sits straight in his chair. “What a bastard. He was beating a kid? That’s fucking twisted, mate.”
“Yeah. He’s such a charming gentleman.”
I grab some water from the fridge and hand a bottle each to the guys. I let them sip for a few minutes to absorb the information I just forced upon them. Dan’s heard this before, but not since the time he found me wasted, and I’m sure it’s just as difficult to hear the second time around.
“What happened at uni, the night Dan found you…like you were today?” Romeo enquires with hesitation.
“It started with a few drinks at the Student Union bar to celebrate our upcoming birthdays, which as you know, are a week apart. Dan and I were waiting for Finn to meet us after his last lecture, while we chatted up some girls and had a few shots. It was right before I met you, Romeo, which is why you never knew.” He nods in understanding, and Dan squeezes his shoulder. It’s a Dan thing to do.
I sit back in my chair and wipe my hands on my sweats again. My chest is tight, and the words I have yet to utter clog my throat. “The bar was getting crowded. It was Friday night, I think.” I look at Dan, who nods.
“Anyway, it was pretty rowdy, kids squashing past each other to get to the bar, when a familiar face rammed into me by accident. When he turned to apologise, I recognised him straight away. It was the stable boy, Jack fucking Foster.” My jaw tenses as I grind my molars. “We were cordial with each other. You know how it is. While we were swapping trivial niceties, Finn found us. It thrilled him to see Jack. They hugged each other, all excited to catch up…which is what they did for the rest of the fucking night.”
I can feel anger and tension radiating out of me in waves. The guys have picked up on it, too, as Dan rubs my back and Romeo looks at me with concern.
“I know now it was wrong of me, but I hated the guy. I blamed him for my father hitting Finn that day. In my young teenage mind, if he hadn’t been kissing Finn in the stables, then Teddy would never have caught them. I knew it was Finn’s fault, too, but I couldn’t accept that. I refused to consider that Finn would be so reckless. It was also when I discovered he was bi. Well, I thought he was gay, but he told me later he was bi. I wasn’t shocked or even surprised. I suppose I already knew in some small way.
“He had my complete, unwavering support from the beginning, and it made me extremely protective of him. He’d never seen Jack again until that night at uni. As the night wore on, they got closer and forgot the rest of us existed. I got more and more pissed on tequila and my mood plummeted through the floor. I was fixated on them, the tender little touches and closeness of their bodies. I wanted to punch his fucking lights out. I wanted to…” I pause, growing angrier by the second at the thought of that little shit with his arm around Finn, whispering in his ear.
My hands clench into fists on my knees.
“I saw how tense Theo was getting,” Dan continues, “and was worried he would do something he’d later regret. So, I suggested going back to the dorm to get Theo to calm the fuck down. It didn’t quite turn out like I was expecting.”
I look at Romeo, who is waiting for me to continue. “Finn followed us out, as expected, except he had Jack with him, and they were holding hands. He was bringing the tosser back to our dorm. It had never been a problem for me before. I always had my own form of entertainment to keep me occupied, but I didn’t that night. I was too angry and too drunk to do anything, but the thought of listening to the two of them fuck ea
ch other’s brains out was too much to bear.
“I grabbed a pretty little redhead, who had been feeling me up all night, and I dragged her back to the dorm with us. She didn’t care; she was eager as hell. Her friend came with us, too, so Dan was our wingman for the rest of the night. And to make sure I didn’t knock Jack the fuck out.”
Dan groans as the memory resurfaces. “Oh, mate, she was brutal. She had a voice that could shatter glass. Just about burst my eardrums.”
“She was pretty, though.”
“Yeah, she was. And she had a bloody great arse.”
Romeo chuckles at our brief banter.
“So, we all got back to the dorms. Ours was an extra-large dorm room thanks to Daddy Dearest’s wealth, so we could fit more people into it. I reached for the vodka and drank it straight from the bottle, determined to get as pissed as I could so I didn’t have to witness Finn and Jack going at it later. It bothered me that it bothered me. Do you know what I mean?”
Both of my friends nod in understanding, which is odd because I still don’t understand.
“It’s no secret that Finn and I get off on watching each other have sex, so I didn’t know why I didn’t want to watch this time.
“We were all sitting around drinking, flirting, and chatting. Finn was sitting on his double bed with Jack, ignoring everyone else in the room, while Dan and I sat on my double bed with the two girls trying to get in our pants. I was still swigging vodka like there would be another prohibition, when Red started grinding against me, trying to open my fly. I can’t even remember what Dan and his girl were doing. I was so drunk and consumed with Finn and that prick.” I look over at Dan, who fills in the gaps.
“So, my brunette was sucking me off…she gave great head, if memory serves correct. Theo was too busy watching Finn and Jack to notice what Red was trying to do to him. Jesus, you were wasted that night.”
“You must have been to ignore a pretty girl throwing herself at you,” Romeo supplies, amused, but still with a look of concern marring his face.