Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  “Yeah, I was. I remember watching the two guys kissing and fondling each other, really getting into it. They had their hands in each other’s pants, panting and groaning, when I fucking flipped. I jumped off the bed, dislodging Red from my lap, dragged Jack off Finn, and threw him on the floor. I yelled at him to get out, blaming him for what happened to Finn that day, and ordered him to stay away. Not my finest hour, I know.”

  “Oh my God, what happened after that? What did Finn do?” It shocks Romeo to hell.

  The shame of that night floods my system, and I struggle to carry on, so Dan does it for me.

  “I grabbed hold of Theo before he punched Jack. Then, Finn jumped off the bed in shock, staring at Theo like he was a psycho, while Theo was still yelling for Jack to get out of the room. Finn was shouting at Theo, asking what had gotten into him, while helping Jack up off the floor. They argued, then Finn said he was leaving for the night. He didn’t want to be around Theo while he was being a twat, so he left with Jack. Theo was livid and ordered the rest of us to leave, too…”

  “I pushed everyone out of the door and slammed it behind them. Then, I flung myself on my bed and drank until I passed out. When I woke up the next day, there was still no sign of Finn, but he’d messaged me to say he wouldn’t be back for a couple of days until I could accept Jack. They wanted to try dating. I was so furious, I threw my phone at the wall and drank myself into another stupor. Anything to block out the feelings. The emotions were overwhelming me. I just…I couldn’t cope without Finn. He was my rock. He grounded me, stabilised me in a way no one else could. I didn’t want to be without him. I still don’t.”

  “I found Theo two days later,” Dan picks up again. “I broke into his room when I hadn’t heard from him. He was on the floor, reeking of alcohol and vomit. He was mumbling, incoherent, and asking if I was Finn. It broke my damn heart seeing him like that.”

  “Dan got me in the shower and cleaned me up. When I was conscious, the first thing I did was ask for Finn. Dan hadn’t heard from him either, and he hadn’t come home. It gutted me, man. It was like I had lost a part of me. I can’t tell you how bad that was. It was three days before he came home. Three whole days. And while I sat wallowing in self-pity, he was having a fuck fest with Jack.”

  I swallow back the acid that surges up my throat and look down at my toast, which is stone cold and hard.

  “I think I understand,” Romeo offers in a low, gentle voice I don’t deserve.

  I push the toast away from me in disgust.

  Dan clears the dishes and loads them into the dishwasher. Romeo folds his strong arms across his broad chest and studies me with careful brown eyes. There’s something on his mind; something he wants to say.

  “Spit it out, Romeo. I can see your mind working on something.”

  He sighs and rests his elbows on the countertop. “What happened when Finn came back? Did they stay together long?”

  “By the time Finn returned, I knew I had been a complete twat, especially after one of Dan’s fatherly lectures.” Dan looks over at me from the dishwasher with a smug grin. “I apologised and begged for his forgiveness, admitting I had been a drunken arsehole and completely out of line. He told me he forgave me, but I had to promise it would never happen again. He forgave me far too easily. I didn’t deserve it.

  “Finn and Jack dated for about three months, but Finn never stayed out again. He always came back at night. I don’t know why, and I never asked that of him, but I’m glad he did. I don’t know what I would have done if they’d ended up together. Hell, even the thought of that makes me nauseous.” I wince and clutch my stomach to stop the churning.

  Romeo is still studying me, while Dan returns to his seat. He looks thoughtful, too.

  “Were they ever together around you after that? Before they broke up, I mean,” Romeo asks. He seems to be putting pieces together, and I’m not sure what the picture will be at the end.

  “They were, but Finn was never demonstrative with him in my company. Jack tried. Tried holding his hand or kissing him. But Finn would always shrug him off and tell him he wasn’t into PDA. It made me wonder if Finn was ever really into him because he never shied away from any affection I showed him in public. After that, Finn never dated again.”

  Now, I feel like a complete arsehole. Saying it aloud makes it seem like I was preventing Finn from having a relationship. And maybe that was the truth, and I hadn’t realised it. Why hadn’t I recognised it? Am I really that selfish?

  Romeo rubs his stubble, and Dan puts his hand on my arm. “Hey, you were young and impetuous back then. You were lashing out. We’ve all been there at some point, mate. Don’t beat yourself up too badly.”

  “And what was my excuse this time, Dan? Finn wasn’t dating anyone I hated. He wasn’t dating full stop. I lost it because he left, and I can’t go on without him. I…” My lip trembles as I hold back the tears that prick at my eyes.

  Dan looks at Romeo in silent communication, then meets my eyes. “What happened this time, T? Talk to us. We’ve all been friends for a long time, and we’ll always be here to help you, mate, I promise. We just need to understand. Something huge went down if Finn walked out.”

  I must tell them about the rape. It’s only fair after the state they found me in; only it isn’t my story to tell, and I promised Finn I wouldn’t breathe a word. However, if I can trust anyone with Finn’s secret, it’s the two guys in front of me. Two guys I can depend on and trust with my life. I only hope Finn will understand.

  I take a deep breath and let the words tumble out of me.

  “Finn was raped a couple of weeks ago. He was fucking drugged and raped while I was outside having a meltdown. It was all my fault.” I lift my head to the ceiling and close my eyes.

  Dan freezes, mouth agape, as he tries to digest the information.

  Romeo looks stricken. His face is pallid, and sweat beads on his forehead. The room falls silent as I shed gentle tears, missing my other half like I’d miss my breath.

  “Fucking hell, Theo,” Dan declares, lucid again. “Tell us everything. Now.”

  So I do. Through my tears, I tell them all about the night in question. I tell them about the Red Room and why I stormed out. Even though it’s difficult to admit, it was a vital part of the events that followed. I explain how I found Finn drugged, being thrown out of the club, and getting Finn home and into bed.

  That’s all I can manage before the intensity of my emotions block my throat.

  “Jesus Christ,” Romeo curses. “Has he reported it to the police? That guy needs locking up. Who knows how many others he’s violated, or who he is still violating? I want to kill the bastard.” I have never seen Romeo so animated or angry. He’s such a stoic guy, who rarely lets anyone or anything get under his skin, but he’s pacing the kitchen like a caged tiger.

  “I want to kill the fucker, too,” Dan grits out, his jaw clenched tight. “But we need to be smart about this. Romeo is right, though; this needs handling by the police first.”

  “I agree with you both, but so far, I can’t persuade Finn to report it. I think he needs time. I gathered all the evidence and took him to hospital. They used a rape kit and collected more evidence along with doing tests, so everything is ready should he change his mind. He’s worried the police will blame him, and if I’m honest, I am, too. It’s difficult enough when it’s a female rape and rarely ends in a conviction. The statistics are even lower with men. What chance does he damn well have? There must be another way to nail the sadistic bastard.”

  Dan and Romeo look at each other again, then look at me. “I have an idea,” Dan utters, hesitant. “Why don’t we hire Lewis?”

  Our mutual friend, Lewis, is a private investigator and a great one, at that. He used to be a Navy SEAL before he met Eliot, then he gave it up so they could get married and raise a family together. Why didn’t I think of Lewis in the first place? My mind is all over the place. Thank God for my friends.

  “Dan, you are a genius,
my friend. If anyone can catch him it’s Lewis. He’s a determined son of a bitch,” I say, grabbing his face and kissing his cheek hard in gratitude.

  He wipes his cheek with a smirk. “Ew, mate, enough with the kissing and shit. You know you’re not my type. I prefer voluptuous blondes over hairy brunettes with facial hair to rival my grandma’s.”

  Romeo erupts with laughter, and I feel myself smile for the first time in days. It might not bring Finn home, but at least I’m doing something, anything, to help catch the pervert who ruined my best friend’s life. I need to see him behind bars, and I’m determined to be the one to make that happen.

  Romeo clears his throat, sobering us up from our brief respite. “Theo, do you mind me asking what made Finn walk out? I mean, what happened after that night until the night he left?”

  I’m not sure if I’m ready for this part of the conversation. My feelings are still so raw, my turbulent emotions still teetering on the edge of insanity.

  I take some deep breaths and level my voice as I speak even and calm, the opposite to how I feel inside, as I tell them about my quarrel with Finn and everything that transpired since. My wobbly voice breaks, betraying my heart as I offload. I rub the tattoo on my chest, identical to Finn’s, the infinity symbol searing me with a reminder of what I’ve lost.

  “Did you find the letter?” Dan asks in a gentle voice.

  I nod and get up to retrieve the item in question from my bedroom. By now it’s tear stained and rumpled, but it’s still the most precious thing in my possession.

  I hand the letter to Dan first, who reads in silence. “You can both read it. Maybe you guys can help me understand what was going through his head.”

  Dan nods as he passes the letter to Romeo. When Romeo finishes, he looks at Dan and bobs his head. Then he looks at me in sympathy and understanding.

  “Theo, man, let me ask you this. How do you feel about Finn? I mean, how do you really feel?”

  They both wait with bated breath for my answer as they regard me.

  “I love him. You both know that. I’ve never been shy about voicing it. He’s my best friend. He’s also the other half of me. Why do you think we have matching tattoos?”

  “T, come on, man. We know you. If you can’t be honest with us, then at least be honest with yourself. It’s time to face facts,” Dan demands, with a stern look on his face.

  My heart tries to tear open my ribcage, and my lungs struggle to take in air. What he’s asking of me is impossible. There’s no way I can ever divulge my true feelings to anyone.

  Fucking hell, Theo. Just fess up.

  Jesus, this isn’t happening. I have never admitted it to a soul. It can never happen. My father will never allow it, especially with Finn. I tremble as I think of what will happen if my secret gets out. Of what will happen to Finn, his mother, and even my mother.

  I’m screwed both ways to Sunday.

  “Theo, it’s okay. Whatever you tell us in here will never leave this room. Never. It’s eating you up. You can’t let it devour you,” Romeo soothes as he and Dan wait for me to tell them what’s in my heart.

  Oh, fuck it.

  “I feel more than just friendship for Finn, okay?” I blurt out. “I have since the party, when we kissed each other as a dare, and it’s been eating away at me for years. Every time he kissed someone else, every time he touched someone else, it was like another piece of my heart ruptured. I don’t know how to explain it. Shit. He can’t ever know,” I plead, meeting their stunned gazes. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have told you, but I thought you figured it out.”

  I clutch my head while treading the kitchen floor.

  Dan walks over to me and squeezes my shoulder for the millionth time that day. “We figured it out, Theo. We figured it out ages ago. We were just shocked you admitted it. You can be a stubborn bugger. Did you know that?”

  I blow out a huge puff of relief, stuffing my hands in my pockets, embarrassed by my outburst. “Yeah, I know. It pisses me off.”

  I look at Finn’s letter, which is lying on the countertop, his words aching to be read again. “What the fuck do I do, though?” I ask them, gesturing to the letter. “I am so lost right now. It’s a scary place to be, guys.”

  “Well, I say we start with Lewis. See if he can drag up any intel on the scum who raped Finn. If Finn won’t report it, then we need to take matters into our own hands. Maybe we can take the bastard down some other way,” Dan says through gritted teeth.

  Romeo turns to me, a challenge in his eyes. “And I think you need to get yourself straightened out before Finn returns. He can’t come back to you in this state, Theo.”

  “If Finn comes home,” I whisper, the thought filling me with dread.

  “When Finn comes home. You may not like where I’m going with this, but hear me out. You two have relied on each other for far too long. You have a codependent relationship, which, some would argue, isn’t healthy. You have never learned to be without each other. Neither of you know how you would cope long term without the other. Trust me, you would survive.”

  I open my mouth to interrupt him, but he barrels on.

  “I know you don’t want to survive without him. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that you will, regardless. Not only is it in our natures as human beings, but if you want any chance of having even a friendship with Finn, then you must take this time to find yourself. Take positive steps toward recovering from his absence, and discover what you want from life, with or without Finn in it.”

  I glare at Romeo, feeling the sting of his words, even though I know he’s right. I can’t go on drinking myself to death, and I must figure out what to do about my father’s ultimatum. My friendship with Finn will always be the most important thing in my life, but I must fix the fundamental aspects first. With luck, I can repair my relationship with Finn following that.

  “I hope Finn does some soul searching, too, on his quest to find himself,” Dan muses, scratching his jaw.

  “You’re right. Both of you are right. This whole thing is a mess. I can’t change what’s happened, but I can change myself, starting with the basics. No more drinking. My healthy eating and exercise regime start again tomorrow, then I need to think about my life and where I want it to go from here.”

  Romeo nods. “Take some time off work, so you’re not tied to the clinic. Help more at the shelter. I know how much you love that place. Be spontaneous. Find out what makes you happy, besides Finn. Take a trip. Go visit your mother. Don’t worry about the practice. Will has your back. I can always call in another locum, if need be. You’re always there for everyone else, Theo. Take some time for yourself.”

  Dan nods his head and smiles at Romeo, making Romeo blush a little.

  What the hell?

  “Couldn’t have said it any better, T. Listen to the man. He knows his shit,” Dan agrees, slapping me on the shoulder this time. “Now, why don’t we go out for some pizza? You need feeding up, my friend.”

  I smile at both and feel a little of the weight I carry lift from my shoulders. Just a little, that’s all, but it feels good. I feel more positive, and even though I still miss Finn with a fire that almost incinerates me, I know I can get through this as long as I have goals. I only hope he’s feeling the same.

  I stand up and grab my keys and wallet from the side table as my stomach, at last, rumbles at the thought of nourishment.

  “Great idea. Dinner is my treat to say thanks.”

  Both guys clutch their chests, pretending to have a heart attack, and I slap them both on their backs in humour.

  “Okay, let’s go before I change my mind.

  Chapter 16

  THEO

  The chime of the doorbell halts my post-workout shower, causing me to jump out into the chilly bathroom and throw a towel around my waist, as I skid into the hallway to answer the door.

  What if it’s Finn, and he’s lost his key?

  Breathless, anxious, and dripping wet, I fling open the front door to fin
d old Mrs. Peterson standing on the welcome mat.

  Fuck.

  “Good morning, young Theodore. I hope I’m not disturbing you from anything too pressing?” she lilts, taking in my semi-naked form with lecherous eyes. My insides shudder, and I clear my throat, horribly aware I grabbed the hand towel to cover myself instead of the bath towel.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Peterson. Actually, I was busy taking a shower, which I should really get back to…”

  “Oh, good. I’m rather partial to showers in the morning, too, after a vigorous…workout.” She winks, and I strive to hold down the green smoothie I had not long ago.

  “Yeah…was there something you needed? Only I really need to…”

  “Oh, yes, actually. I was walking by, on my way to visit Mr. Wilson, when I noticed this little package outside your door. I didn’t want someone stealing it, so I thought it best if I hand it over in person.”

  Confusion wrinkles my forehead. I’m not expecting anything, but I hold out my hand, regardless. “Well, thank you, Mrs. Peterson. That’s very neighbourly of you.” I reach out to take it and close the door before I accidentally drop my tiny towel.

  Mrs. Peterson’s lusty gaze follows the trail of water droplets down my pecs and abs. “Oh, trust me, sonny. It’s my pleasure,” she drawls, all but purring. “But it’s addressed to Finlay, so I can’t really hand it over to you, now, can I? Come to think of it, I haven’t seen that lovely young man in weeks. Have you boys had a lovers’ quarrel?”

  Nosy old bat.

  “No, no quarrel. Finn’s working away right now, but he should be back soon. In the meantime, he asked if I could check his mail for him, so rest assured, his package is in good hands.”

  “I’m sure it is,” she mutters as her eyes rake my almost nude body once again.

  I clear my throat for the second time and snatch the package from her grabby hands before she can grab my package and bid her thanks before closing the door. Fuck, that woman is insatiable. No wonder she needs a frame to walk.