by Lillie Jayne
I bristle at his words and rub the back of my neck. “Plans I’m sure you’ve had in place for many years. I, on the other hand, need to give up my whole life here and start a new one, so don’t pressure me before my time is up.” Fuck, I need to put an end to this call before he gives me a tension headache.
“Yes, well, I only wanted to remind you that time is of the essence. And there’s nothing wrong with coming home where you belong, around people with whom you belong. It’s high time you took your rightful place and left the past behind you in London,” he scoffs.
“By ‘the past’ you mean Finn, right? Well, let me tell you this, Father. There is no way I will ever leave Finn behind, even if he doesn’t want to move back to Hampshire. He will always be in my life, so for God’s sake just accept it.” I’m pissed off now and ready to hang up on him. He doesn’t get to dictate my life to such a degree. I will not be beholden to him.
“I won’t have people thinking my son is queer, Theodore. Do you hear me? I didn’t raise you that way. People are talking. It’s embarrassing your mother and me. That boy will not set foot back in this house.” He’s wheezing now. He never could contain his temper.
I’m more furious, and my tether finally snaps. “So what! So what if people think I’m gay, Father? I don’t care, and I don’t care that Finn is bisexual, either. And stop bringing mother into this. She has never cared about Finn’s, nor my sexual orientation, and neither should you. I’m telling you this once and once only. If Finn doesn’t step over the threshold of that house again, then neither do I. I’m sure he doesn’t want to see you, either.”
Silence.
“Very well. Stay in London with your little fag friend, but remember this. You will be ready to take over this business in three months, Theodore, or I will do what I said.” Then, he hangs up.
I stare at my phone screen while I take stock of this latest run-in with my father. My harsh breaths are the only sound in the dark hallway of our flat. Of course, he hasn’t called out of concern for my welfare. Only loving fathers would do that. Mine always has an ulterior motive up his fat, sweaty sleeve.
Always with the threats.
Using my mother, Rose, and Finn to control me. What is his fucking issue with Finn? Besides his homophobic bullshit. But after all these years? I know reputation is currency in the lives of the upper class, but even now there’s already a small minority in same-sex marriages. So, where’s the problem?
Why do I care? Much as I loathe to admit it, I’m like every guy who ever wanted their father to love them unconditionally, even when mine didn’t. I suppose I always hoped that, one day, he would accept my choices, tolerate my friends, or just be proud of me and love me. Knowing this would never be the case never stopped me wanting it, though.
It’s time to face my fears and stand up for myself, and Finn, way more than I have been doing. Looking after the people I love and who love me back is my number one priority. I’ll never be able to keep Dear Old Dad happy anyway, so why bother trying?
With that thought in my head, I storm into the living room and pick up my guitar before leaving to meet Dan at the pub.
Tonight is the start of an all new Theo.
Chapter 17
FINN
Theo: Finn, I love you. So much. Please come home so we can talk. I need to speak to you. I have things I need to say.
I stare disbelieving at the text message in front of me. It’s only the second one I’ve received from Theo in the weeks I’d been away. He’s done what I asked and given me time, like I hoped.
Except a small part of me wishes he had texted me more, begged me to come back, but apart from the one he sent on the night I left, I got nothing.
Now, I’m wide-eyed and shocked as I stand on stage, in rehearsal, for our final gig at Wembley Stadium tomorrow night. I forget how to breathe as I reread the message like I’m trying to uncover the secrets of an ancient religion. It’s possible I’m reading too much into this.
My head swims as I read those three words. Words Theo has said to me every day of my life, but now they suggest a different meaning…more significant. Or I’m still holding on to too much hope, after my lengthy absence, he’ll tell me what I want to hear.
He’ll know by now.
Know that I’m in love with him.
It was right that it ended like that. It was too hard to stay and destroy what we had until we hated each other. I had to tell him so he’d understand why I left. Why we couldn’t be around each other anymore.
Not yet, anyhow.
I wanted him to be free for once. We both needed space while I tried to fix myself. And I’m getting there. It’s still a hard slog every day, but without Theo there coddling me, I’ve no choice but to take care of myself, and I do. At least, I try.
The loneliness is suffocating, but I’ve met some great people on the road. I haven’t hooked up with anyone yet; that part of me is still dysfunctional, but a couple of weeks ago I met a great guy, Jared, one of our roadies. So far, he’s taken me on a few dates, and we’ve hit it off. There isn’t any sexual chemistry there, but maybe it will come with time…well, I’m hoping. I am attracted to him.
“Penny for your thoughts, handsome?” a jovial male voice asks, as he saunters up to stand in front of me. It’s Jared, holding out a bottle of chilled water. I quickly tuck my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. I’ll reply to Theo later when I know what to say, but right now, a potentially new part of my life is standing in front of me.
I smile and take the offered water. “Oh, yeah, thinking how tomorrow this will all be over. Then, I’ll go back to a regular life again.” I chuckle for added effect as I drink.
He adjusts the black beanie covering his head and smiles at me. Jared is a good-looking guy in his late twenties with short blonde hair and green eyes. He’s easy to be around and doesn’t take himself too seriously. His sense of humour is a lot like Theo’s; playful and sarcastic, but he’s also warm and caring. It’s too soon to know what his unfavourable points are, but I’m not looking for long term in my current state of mind.
“Yeah? How normal is life for a session guitarist anyway? Hardly nine ’til five, I bet.” His eyes crinkle when he smiles, and he moves closer.
“No, but not as chaotic as this,” I reply, gesturing around the empty stadium. The rest of the band is out the back, eating. I wanted time to myself to absorb it all before it ends. “You on your lunch break, too?”
“Yeah, I thought we’d spend some time together before tomorrow. Who knows where our jobs will take us after that? I’d like to take you out again sometime, Finn. When we’re both free.”
I park my arse on the end of the stage, and Jared follows suit. “Yeah, I’d like that.” I nudge him with my shoulder. “It might be after Christmas now, though. I have stuff I need to do, and my family and friends will think I’ve emigrated to the moon.” I roll my eyes, and he laughs.
“I still think you should have told them you were doing this. Imagine how fucking stoked they’d be.”
I glance around and take a deep breath. “Nah, this was all for me. No one else. That’s the way I want to keep it.”
“Well, it’s your life, Finn. You do what you’ve got to do,” he replies, shrugging as he catches my gaze, emerald irises shimmering under the stage lights.
I know that look.
He wants to kiss me.
We haven’t kissed yet, because I haven’t felt a spark, but maybe that’ll change if I try. Only one way to find out.
He leans in, and I meet him halfway, licking my lips in anticipation. His mouth is soft and sweet as his lips brush gently but firmly with mine.
But there’s no spark.
Nothing.
Before he can deepen the kiss, and instinct tells me he wants to, I pull away and smile at him. He throws me a goofy grin, as we sit in quiet contemplation for a few minutes, looking out over the rows of seats.
“Fucking finally!” he yells to the empty stadium, punching the air, m
aking me laugh. “Well, I’d better get back before boss man comes gunning for me.” He kisses me on the cheek before standing, stealing glances at me over his shoulder as he walks away.
Oh, God. I’m in over my fucking head. I hope that spark shows itself soon. I really like the guy, and he’s hot as hell, so why doesn’t he do it for me?
You know why, Finn.
Yes, and that’s the whole problem. He isn’t Theo, and even after all these months of being surrounded by countless men and women all willing to sleep with me, I don’t want any of them. I still only want Theo, and now his text message has given me renewed hope.
I know I need to call him soon, to sort shit out and all that, but I won’t go back to pining for someone I’ll never have. Did I ever stop, or have I just become good at suppressing it? Only seeing him again will answer that question. And Jared is right…why shouldn’t I share this with the people I love?
With that current thought, I rattle off a text message to our tour manager, Smidge.
FINN: Hey, Smidge. Can I ask a huge favour? Can I have a ticket and a backstage pass left at the ticket office tomorrow night for a good friend of mine? It’s time he came to see me play.
SMIDGE: Of course, sweetie. And I’ve been telling you that for weeks now. Send me his details, and consider it done. Anything for my favourite guitar player.
I smile despite myself. No matter how anxious I was during the tour, Smidge had been a little live wire, always putting me at ease and cheering me up. The other guys have been amazing, too, but without her, homesickness would have driven me back to Theo. I consider her a good friend now and hope to keep in touch with her once I’ve left.
I quickly thank her and send her Theo’s details. Then, before I can talk myself out of it, I fire off a message to Dan.
FINN: Hey, Dan. I know it’s been a while since you heard from me, but can you do me a solid, mate? Can you try to get Theo to meet me at the Deep Red Dawn concert tomorrow night? I’ll be there with a ticket for him. He wanted to meet with me to talk, and this would be a good place…between the music, of course.
I stand up to join the guys, who’ve started to filter back on stage following their break, when my phone chimes with an incoming message.
DAN: I will, mate. But if you want to see him before then, come to the open mic night at Bar SoHo tonight. I promise it will be worth your time.
Hmm…sounds interesting. I have nothing planned later tonight except to relax in my room. Maybe I will make my way there. Just to see what’s happening.
* * *
I spot a stool at the bar, in a shadowy corner, as I walk into Bar SoHo and sit down. I’m not ready for anyone to see me yet. A young girl is busy killing the end of an Adele song while the rest of the bar chats as she sings. I catch sight of our friends at a table near the stage at the opposite end of the bar from me, though I can’t see Theo.
I check my watch, which shows it’s almost eight, the time Dan told me to be here. I made him promise not to tell Theo, in case I couldn’t go through with it. This is a big goddamn deal, and I don’t know how I’m feeling, let alone what I’ll say to him. I’ve missed him so fucking much, but I must protect my heart at any cost. I can’t let it be that vulnerable again.
I rub my new beard growth while I take a covert look around for Theo. I notice Ellis and Fiona lost in love as they make gaga eyes at one another. Ellis knows I’m home because I let her know, but not where I was or what I had been doing. She’ll go ape shit once she finds out. Deep Red Dawn is her favourite band, and although I feel guilty not telling her, it’s my thing, just for me. Lucky for me, she couldn’t see them this time because of her work schedule.
I also catch sight of Lewis and Eliot at their table talking to an animated Romeo. They must have secured a babysitter for tonight. It’s nice to see them out together again.
Then, I spot Dan, sitting next to Romeo and glancing around now and then to see if he can see me. I drop him a text, letting him know where I am and not to give me away. He turns toward my shadowy corner and winks. I pick up my phone to ask him where Theo is, when the next singer nervously takes his seat with his guitar in hand.
Theo?
Nerves tingle under my skin, and my pulse throbs in time with my breathing.
He looks incredible, with his hair a little shorter and his tanned, radiant skin. He’s so healthy and vibrant, different yet the same. A white, long-sleeve t-shirt hugs his new, heavier toned body, along with a few leather cords around his neck, and a long silver chain with an infinity symbol hanging from it. He even has a little smudged eyeliner to complete the look.
Fuck me sideways.
The sight of him has my heart banging on my ribcage trying to reach for him.
It knows who it wants.
And it wants Theo.
Foolish doubts creep into my head again. I don’t know if I can do this. Maybe it’s a terrible idea seeing him again so soon…but my body is urging me to get up and go to him and kiss the ever-loving fuck out of him in front of everyone. It takes an insane force of willpower to restrain myself from doing just that.
I wipe my hands on my jeans and suck in a deep, level breath as I try to regain control of myself. I’m a shaking, hot mess. Jesus, I thought this would get easier with time, but it only gets harder. I order a tequila from the bartender and neck it for Dutch courage. When that doesn’t work, I decide it’s time to leave.
I can’t do it. I just can’t face him. I’m not ready yet.
Will you ever be ready, Finn?
I look over at him one last time as he settles himself into position. Then, I get up to go.
“Hi, everyone. Thank you for coming tonight. My name’s Theo, and it’s my first time, so be gentle. I’ll be singing a few songs for you. Songs that mean a lot to me personally, about someone special. This is for Sunshine, wherever you are.”
The opening chords to “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi filter around the room as he closes his beautiful eyes and sings out to the bar. Theo’s deep, gravelly tones saturate my senses, while he strums his agony into the audience. I stop breathing when he reaches the crescendo, singing about hurt and loss, and being in someone’s arms.
The pulse skitters in my neck. He’s singing about being in my arms…my arms. The anguish and pain in his voice is utter hell. He thinks I don’t love him. How can he not know, after all this time? Maybe my letter wasn’t obvious enough…I was in a hurry, writing it while I was freaking out.
No one makes a sound as he transitions smoothly into his next song, “Only Love Can Hurt Like This” by Paloma Faith. My breathing ramps up to unmanageable levels, familiar with what comes next. This is one of my favourite songs, and Theo sings it like an angel. I love it when a male voice sings a female part, and Theo doesn’t disappoint.
And neither do the lyrics. Eyes half-shut, he sings about a deadly kiss. Our kiss. I gasp with realisation, and the need to go to him is fierce. Hurt darkens his eyes, and sorrow leaches out of him in ripples as he imbues the microphone with heartache.
He means it. He means every word. Oh my God.
An outpouring of love and longing surges through me, carving a path to my fragile soul. Panic takes over for a moment, and I look around for the quickest exit. I don’t know how to handle this.
I’m completely unprepared for him to return my feelings, if that’s what I’m hearing. It’s difficult to accept after the years I’ve spent loving him, and I don’t dare hope for too much. I need more; need him to tell me to my face. Yes, we both love each other, as best friends, but if it’s different now for him, I need confirmation.
It’s too good to be true.
As if he’s read my mind, he slips into his own dynamic execution of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon. I hold my breath, anticipating the lyrics that’ll settle my suspicions. So entranced am I by his sultry, hypnotic voice, I don’t realise I’ve drifted toward the stage where he sits.
He’s lit a fire in me I thought had long
been extinguished, and I welcome it, feeling every locked-down emotion batter my body.
My skin prickles, and a zap of static races down my spine. The hairs on my neck stand on end as I watch the love of my life tell me he couldn’t fight what he felt anymore.
For me.
I need to see him, to speak to him, but it will have to wait until he’s finished purging his soul in front of everyone.
His eyes search the audience, singing with passion until my glistening orbs lock on to his crystal blues. My heated gaze meets his wide-eyed one, trying to convey that I reciprocate every word—the hurt, the pain, the loss, and the love.
He’s startled to see me, and I’m even more shocked, as the rush of love and devotion I have for him flees my soul and bleeds into his. His eyes are glassy as he sings the chorus with conviction, singing now only to me. All I can focus on is Theo, as he calls to my inner being with as much love back as I’m sending.
Then his final song begins.
“Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton flows out of him and into his bewitched audience, Theo-style. He never takes his eyes off me while he sings about his broken heart. My own heart cracks and reopens as I see the true suffering on his face. The pain I caused when I left him.
I didn’t know, Theo. You didn’t tell me.
He didn’t tell me for the same reason I never told him. We were so afraid of pushing each other away; of ruining what we had. We never realised it would end up destroying us, anyway.
A small tear slips from the corner of Theo’s eye, and my chest bottoms out. The giant, gaping crevasse I spent three months trying to repair, opens. Seeing Theo so devastated and knowing how much time we wasted circling each other’s feelings decimates me.
I try to hold my composure as my shaky legs threaten to buckle from under me. I swallow the huge lump in the centre of my throat, restricting my breathing. Rapid breaths work diligently to keep my heart beating and me standing.