by Lillie Jayne
My own eyes are watery as he finishes the song with a slight tremor in his voice. We lock gazes, as everyone else in the room disappears. There’s only Theo and me. I know, in that moment, I’ll never move on from this man. He consumes me body and soul.
I’m aware that a hush has descended over his audience, everyone looking between Theo and me. No one moves or breathes as Theo awaits their reaction. Then they are on their feet giving an ecstatic applause to the most heartfelt performance I have ever watched.
Am I bloody biased? Hell, yeah. I am, but I don’t damn well care because Theo blew it out of the water. If I thought I couldn’t love him anymore than I already did, then I was so wrong. He blindsided me tonight, and as much as I want to kick Dan’s arse, I also want to thank him for getting me here.
Thanking the audience, Theo takes his leave and hurries off in the bathroom’s direction. After steeling my nerves and giving myself a little pep talk, I head off that way, too, hoping we can talk, or at least say hello. I mean, yeah, the public bathroom isn’t the ideal place to meet for the first time in months, but maybe I can pull him outside.
Decision made, I walk toward the long, dark hallway which houses the bathrooms, the men’s being at the end of the hall. I drag in a breath and rub my face, going for the composed look instead of looking like I got hit in the face with a car door.
I open the toilet door and walk in. Two guys are at the urinals, but Theo isn’t one of them. The stalls are empty, so he isn’t in there. I exit the bathroom, about to make my way back to the bar, when I notice the fire exit door leading to the back alley is ajar.
Maybe he went for some fresh air? I know I fucking need it.
I pop my head out of the door, and what I see stops my hopeful, pathetic heart.
Theo is locking lips with a guy against the wall. A quiet gasp leaves my mouth, loud enough to hear, as Theo pushes the guy away and looks at me. His eyes widen as he realises I’ve seen him and a very good-looking stranger making out.
I do what any self-respecting adult would do.
I turn around and flee.
“Finn, wait!” Theo yells after me as I leg it down the hallway and across the room to the front door. I can still hear Theo shouting for me to wait as I open the door and exit onto the street, hailing a taxi to make my escape.
Lucky for me, a taxi pulls straight up, and I jump in. I can see Theo trying to fight his way through a crowd of adoring new fans as the taxi makes its way through the city toward my hotel.
I throw my head back against the seat in frustration and anger. We were there, for fuck’s sake. For that moment in time, we were in harmony together; two souls finding each other again after being lost for so long. After circling each other’s hearts, after not being honest with each other, we were finally there.
Until that moment.
Watching Theo kiss another guy is like a final betrayal. The death knell to our relationship, our friendship, our kinship even. After he confessed everything to me, in front of all those people, he then kisses another man. He could have been bisexual all along and just not into me. Labels rarely matter to me, but if he was and didn’t tell me, then the betrayal goes much deeper.
I push my hands through my hair and tug at the curls which have fallen forward onto my face in my haste to leave the bar. I can’t get that kiss out of my head. If only he’d waited until I talked to him again.
It could have been me in his arms, with his lips on mine.
Chapter 18
THEO
“Fuck!” I roar into the crisp night air. “Fucking fuck!”
“Hey, chill out, handsome. I’m still here, aren’t I?”
I spin on my heels to glare at the attractive blonde man who has just ruined everything I worked so hard for with my best friend, the fucking love of my life. Fury ignites my last nerve. I need to go after Finn. God only knows what he’s imagining now.
I had single-handedly given him my heart in front of the whole fucking world…well, a club in London, anyway…and then I’d taken it away in the next breath by kissing another man. What sort of guy does that make me? A dickhead, that’s what.
“Get out of my face before I put my fucking fist through yours, you arrogant bastard,” I snarl at the stranger, grabbing hold of his shirt with both hands and pushing him away.
“You kissed me back, man. I didn’t see you put up much of a fight.”
Was this idiot for real?
“I told you I wasn’t interested the second you stepped out here. You went ahead and laid your lips on me, anyway. Now I have ruined the best thing in my entire life, and you helped. Thanks for nothing.”
I stalk away from him and back into the dark hallway of the club, hoping I can catch Finn before he leaves. I deftly weave my way through a maze of strangers, who are hell-bent on congratulating me, which at any other time would have been amazing, but all I can think about is explaining to Finn.
I see his grey beanie and the back of his black leather jacket as he exits the club. Before I can reach the door, he’s jumped in a taxi and gone. I’m sure he spotted me though as the taxi drove away.
My stomach pitched when I first clocked Finn in the audience, watching me sing my heart out. The breath left my body when I caught his stare, my skin sizzling with static as zaps of electricity raced straight to my groin. God, he was sin personified. A grey beanie covered his short, curly brown hair, with that rogue curl escaping to lie on his forehead. He’d also grown a short beard, which made him look hot as fuck.
He was like a sexy, hot rock god, with his washed-out ripped jeans, a black t-shirt, which fitted his shapely chest, and a black leather jacket which hugged that rugged body.
Jesus, he was every man’s wet dream and every woman’s fantasy.
His deep blue eyes flashed with emotion as I sang from my very soul. And when he walked toward me, my heart swelled, enveloping me in a warm rush of love; a new, stronger love. I realised, at that moment, I was entirely in love with him. I didn’t want to hide it anymore…I wanted him. And when our eyes met…all bets were off the table.
I fell head over heels for my best friend.
I could see it reflecting in his eyes as I felt every word I sang to him. Everyone else in that room drifted away. He was captivating. Why did it take him leaving to make me see? But see him I did, and I hungered for what I saw.
And I had let him go.
Again.
After singing, I needed to catch a breather. Tonight had been phenomenal and far exceeded my expectations. As soon as I spotted Finn, he enchanted me. God, I felt like a lovesick fool.
The predominant concern I had, apart from my father finding out, was giving Finn commitment and exclusivity. I’d never done it before, and it scared me, until I realised I was already in a relationship with him, just without the sex. If I could be sure I’d stop wanting girls, then I’d be deserving of Finn. A faithful and committed partner.
I turn around and leave through the main doors before my friends can catch up with me. I get in a cab and make my way back to the flat. The flat we used to share. Our flat. It seems more empty tonight, walking inside to nothing. My footsteps echo on the wood floor as I drag my arse in the shower and change into pyjama pants. I don’t bother with a shirt. There’s only me rattling around this hellhole.
My phone chimes with an incoming message. It’ll be Thalia again. She’s been hounding me since I stood her up for our date on the day Finn left. She can’t take no for an answer, that girl. However, I’m stunned to see it’s from Finn. I drop my phone but catch it before it hits the floor.
Finn: Why him, Theo? Why not me?
Oh, Finn, you daft sod. If only you realised how much I love you.
I need to talk to him, and it needs to happen now. I’m done waiting to explain. I have to see his face again and hear his voice.
Theo: I can assure you it isn’t how it looks, Finn. I promise. But it’s better if I explain in person. Can I see you?
I pace the living room f
loor, on tenterhooks awaiting his reply. Everything has gone tits up in a matter of minutes. Things are forever getting in our way, keeping us apart, like the universe is determined to separate us. I’m fed up of not having him in my arms…in my bed.
Just the mere notion of Finn in my bed makes me groan aloud, and my stomach tightens, along with my pants. I long for him with a desperate hunger that eats me alive, but he’s always that little out of reach, every fucking time.
The ping of an incoming message snaps me out of my reverie, and I scan Finn’s words.
Finn: That’s not a good idea tonight, Theo. My head is pretty fucked up, and I’m not thinking straight. I don’t wanna say something to make this worse than it already is.
Fight for him, Theo, goddammit.
Theo: Please? I need to see you, Sunshine.
Finn: I need to be alone right now. Tomorrow, though, yeah? I’ll be in touch.
Theo: Then do me a favour? Remember the songs I sang for you tonight, and feel the words, every word, like I did. And listen to “Everything I do I do It For You” by Bryan Adams. Feel those words and think of us.
My phone pings immediately.
Finn: Goodnight, T. See you tomorrow.
It’s apparent he’s done talking, and I’m left strung out over the barrage of emotions pummelling my body. Like a million voices speaking to me all at once, but no way to shut them the hell up. I like to think I can cope with almost everything, but these last few weeks have been a true test of my resilience, and I have reached my limit.
I don’t even know how to think anymore. All I do is fucking think. My brain is ready to combust. Tension turns my body to stone as I continue to pace my frustration away. I need to let off steam, and drinking is out of the question. I seldom drink alcohol now, and never when my mood is anything but relaxed.
Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I find my contacts and dial.
“Theo? Where did you go, mate? We were all looking for you.”
“Hey, Lewis, it’s a long story, but I fucked up with Finn yet again. I’ll fill you in on the details when I see you. I’m calling to see whether you found anything else on that footage I gave you?”
Lewis sighs. “What did you do now, you stupid sod? You just sang your bloody heart out to him in Bar SoHo, so how could you fuck that up so fast? I’m surprised he isn’t sucking your dick by now.”
“I should be so lucky,” I snort, as that very image ignites a flame in my underwear. “Anyway, the recording, mate. I need to know if you have found anything we can use to nail the bastard.”
“I might have. It’s a long shot, but it’s the best we’ve got just now until I do some further digging. You remember the waitress who brought you your drinks that night?”
“Yes, why? Do you think she knows something?” I ask in a sharp tone. I need to keep my temper in check. My nerves are frayed enough as it is.
“Well, when she entered the booth and put the drinks on the table, he caught her eye and she pointed her finger at the glass nearest to her. The one which he then picked up and gave to Finn. It could be nothing, but my instincts are almost always spot on. I think she’s involved somehow.”
I cross my free arm over my chest to my shoulder, holding the phone with the other as I walk to the window, looking out over the darkened street. “I’m inclined to agree with you. Do you know her schedule by any chance? I need to speak to her.”
“Theo, no. That’s out of the question. You hired me for a reason, so let me do my job. I’ll speak to her. I’ve spoken to her before, though she told me she saw nothing. She’s on tonight’s rota. I’m just about to head out, actually. The best thing you and Finn can do right now is stay put and wait to hear from me. I’ll call as soon as I’ve spoken to her,” Lewis demands.
“Lewis, I insist that I be present. I’m going stir crazy in this flat. All I can think about is Finn and how much I’ve fucked up. I need to put things right between us, and right at this minute, this is the only way I know how.”
He hesitates before muttering, “Fine,” through gritted teeth. “But I’m warning you, Theo, you let me do the talking, and you stay calm at all times. One wrong move can mean the end of the investigation. You hear me, mate?”
I blow a breath out into the phone and rub the scruff on my chin. “Okay, yes, I promise. But if that sick fucker is in the building, then you better drag me out of there quickly because I will not be responsible for my actions. Other than that, I’ll be on my best behaviour. Scout’s honour.”
“You were never in the fucking Scouts, you bell end. I’ll pick you up in ten,” he finishes and disconnects the call.
I race to my room and throw on some jeans and a t-shirt, not caring in the slightest what I wear as I pull on my boots and grab a drink of water. Seven minutes later, Lewis arrives, and we’re headed toward BombShell to talk to Paige. While we drive, I quickly fill Lewis in on what happened at the bar tonight, and my epic fuckup.
“Are you fucking serious, mate?” His yell reverberates in the confines of the car, and I wince at the pain in my ears. “You sat there and sang your feelings to him in front of that whole bar, then you go and stick your tongue down another man’s throat? I can’t believe even you would do something so utterly idiotic,” Lewis chastises, shaking his head at my level of stupidity.
“I didn’t know that guy would lay one on me, nor did I know that Finn followed me out. It all happened pretty damn quickly,” I yell back, not quite as loud as Lewis.
“Did you kiss him back? The guy, I mean. Did you reciprocate?”
“Yes,” I admit in a sheepish tone, shame reddening my cheeks.
He turns his head sharply, missing a traffic cone by the skin of his teeth. “And Finn fucking saw that?”
“Yes,” I whisper this time, “but I didn’t know he had followed me. I did it because I wanted to test a theory. It was stupid in hindsight. I know that now.”
“And what theory is that?”
“Whether Finn is the only man I’m attracted to. I needed to know if I would feel that same spark kissing another man. Whether it was a bisexual thing or a Finn thing.”
“And you hoped kissing one other dude would answer that question. Mate, listen.” He drops his voice to a gentle timbre. I’m about to get Lewis’d. “I have been there, done that, and collected all the fucking souvenirs to go with it. It doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is, your gender, your race, etcetera. Most people fall in love with someone for who they are and not what they look like naked.
“I mean, of course, it helps, but it’s not what will give the relationship longevity. Supporting each other through the good times and the bad and working your arse off at that relationship is the most important thing for keeping the love alive. Does it really matter that the person you’ve fallen head over heels in love with is another guy? I thought you didn’t care about shit like that?”
It’s my turn to throw him a piercing stare. He’s observing the road, but I can see the question on his face.
“Of course, it doesn’t, Lewis. It never has. You know that. But it matters a whole hell of a lot to my old man. God forbid he has a gay son. What would the posh folks say?” I draw a breath and carry on. “There’s still the fact that he hates Finn with absolute fervour, and apart from his homophobia, I don’t know why. How can we make a relationship work in my world? He’s coercing me to take over the family estate soon, and I’m scared shitless, mate. Scared Finn will move on and find someone else…” I pause, taking a few shaking breaths to steady the rising panic in my chest.
“And what if he comes with you, Theo, have you thought about that? Maybe he wants to be by your side when it’s time to step up to the plate. Would you let him?”
“I…what if we fail? What if we fall apart anyway, despite overcoming all our obstacles? I am shit at relationships. It’s why I’ve never wanted one. What if I set up a life with Finn, but I still want women? That scares me, too. I mean, I’ve fucked enough of them to last me ten lifetimes,
but what if I realise I’ve made a mistake being with Finn further down the line? It keeps me awake at night thinking about this shit.”
Lewis shakes his head and pulls up to a stop as the traffic light turns red. “That’s a lot of what ifs, man. No wonder you’re not sleeping. Don’t you think most people feel those things in their relationship before they settle down? I know I did before things got serious with Eliot. Again, the sexual orientation of the people in the relationship doesn’t matter. It’s normal to have doubts, especially when you’ve only ever lived your life one way. You took a risk when you became a vet, didn’t you? You could have stayed in Hampshire knowing that was to be your fate, but you didn’t. You took a risk to do something for yourself, even though you knew it was only temporary.
“If I hadn’t taken a risk with Eliot, we wouldn’t be married today and have our beautiful daughter. We have so much to look forward to now, I can’t imagine my life any other way. Change is inevitable, mate, and the best thing we can do is just embrace those changes because we can’t fight what’s out of our control.”
I nod in agreement, as the lights change, and we are on our way again. I can feel some of the anger leave me as I process Lewis’s words.
“Tell me how you truly feel about Finn, Theo. And be completely honest.”
Without skipping a beat, I answer. “I’m in love with him. He’s my whole heart and soul. He makes me feel safe and happy and loved. I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. He’s my everything…and I want him naked in my bed.”
Lewis chuckles while he turns down the side road toward BombShell.
“And you think you can fight that? That it’s all within your control?”
I turn to him and smile, feeling lighter than I did earlier. “Not a fucking chance.”
* * *
Paige, the hostess, startles when she sees us enter the ladies’ toilets, where she is carefully reapplying her lipstick, a shade of prostitute red, to her inflated trout pout.