Anguish

by Lillie Jayne

  Finn pulls back the bedclothes on my bed and climbs in, so I do the same, defeat lingering heavy in the air. Only the moonlight filtering through the window illuminates the room and our faces.

  “Sunshine, say something,” I whisper. He’s barely said two words to me since I told him I wanted a relationship with him. We lie on our sides now facing each other; so close, yet too far. He won’t even look at me. The constricting pain in my chest intensifies.

  I try again as I look at the sorrow etched on his face. “Finn…I thought, after this week I mean, that you wanted me, too. Was I wrong? If I am, then…fuck,” I curse in frustration. “Don’t let it ruin our friendship. That would hurt so much more than if you tell me you don’t want me. I can live with disappointment, but I can’t live with losing you.” I clear my voice of the emotion that’s binding my throat.

  A lone tear carves a wet path down Finn’s left cheek onto his nose. “Why, Theo?” he murmurs, barely audible as his silent tears continue to fall. “I know you. I have watched you all my life…the way you are with women. You let no one close and you never commit. It’s like this is all a cruel joke. Why a relationship with me? You could have anyone else,” he chokes out.

  My heart jolts watching him cry; tears I made him shed. I sit bolt upright and look down at him.

  “Because I want you, Finn. I want you so badly, I can barely control myself. I’ve waited a whole lifetime for you, and now you’re here, in front of me, and I’m really seeing you. You’re sexy as fuck, and you make me laugh. You know me better than I know myself, and you care about me. Not about my money, or my job, or even my looks, but me.

  “You’re the only guy that has ever given me a hard-on, a constant hard-on, and it’s all for you, Finn, not some random girl, but you. I want you with a passion I have never, ever felt before.” My heart is beating a military tattoo in my chest, scared as fuck of rejection, now it’s out there.

  Tears fall faster from his eyes, and all I want to do is take him in my arms and hold him. But we need to sort this out before we lose each other for good.

  “If you want me so much, why is it only now you’re realising that? Is it because of the r…is this pity?”

  “Fuck no,” I yell, frustrated he won’t listen. “It’s not pity at all. I couldn't tell you for fear of the repercussions from my father. I was also scared. Scared of losing you, our friendship. And I was confused about commitment and deserving you. So I blocked it out. Waited to find someone who made me feel whole. But I realised I was looking in the wrong places. The right person has been in front of me all this time. And that’s you, Sunshine. Only you. When I’m with you, it’s as if the jigsaw puzzle that is me is finally complete.” I scrub my hands over my face.

  “When I thought I might have truly lost you, my life fell apart. You are my missing piece, and I’m fucking in love with you.” The words tumble out of me along with silent tears.

  “You hold the other half of my heart. If you don’t want me, Finn, then that’s okay. Just tell me, because I need to know, right fucking now. I need to know if I even have a friendship left to salvage.”

  I rub the infinity tattoo over my heart, trying to ease the heartache that worsens with each breath.

  Finn throws his arms around me, crushing his lips to mine and devouring my mouth. Still crying, our tears merge with our breath. He straddles my hips as I cradle his face in my hands, kissing him with all the passion I feel in every part of my body. Teeth clash, tongues torment, and years of restrained desire unleashes.

  My skin is ablaze, yet I can’t get close enough to him. I wrap my arms tightly around his waist, pull him against me, then roll until he’s underneath me. Finn wraps his legs around my hips, while we kiss like we’re dying of thirst for each other. I grind my hips into him, the thrill of his throbbing erection rubbing against mine. We both growl as we rock against each other, crazed with lust and lost time.

  I pull away briefly, gasping for air as I kiss my way down the column of his neck, nibbling and suckling over his Adam’s apple and along to the curve of his shoulder, where I suck hard. Yeah, I’m leaving a hickey. I want my mark on him.

  “Oh, God, Theo…Jesus, that’s…” He tries to speak through his panting, but he’s too far gone.

  We’re still grinding our rigid cocks together, our boxers damp with desire. It takes every ounce of constraint to resist touching him; to be inside him. Finn has to be the one in control. It’s the only way.

  His hands find their way to my arse, pulling me tighter against him, giving us more friction to work with.

  “Shit, Finn, that feels so good,” I grit out through clenched teeth. My lips are back on his as we rock our hips together. We’re both groaning and cursing, our breathing erratic, as we move faster against each other.

  Finn thrusts his hand into my boxers and grabs my solid length. I gasp, biting his earlobe, as I run my hands down his toned chest and over his sculpted abdomen.

  He grabs the waistband of my boxers, yanks them down over my thighs and off my legs, throwing them across the room somewhere. My leaking, pulsating dick lies on his belly. Finn looks down at it and removes his own underwear. He’s aware of my stilted breaths as I wonder what he’s doing.

  “I need skin on skin, Theo, no barriers between us.”

  The huge breath I’m holding bursts free, and I drop my forehead to Finn’s, meeting his hungry gaze. I’m transported to the first time we locked gazes over a blowjob, even though the night ended badly, and I’m also reminded of all our little moments, all the times I lusted after Finn while holding back. And I know…I know I want him in every way.

  “Finn, I want you,” I rasp through my scratchy throat, dropping a tender kiss on his swollen lips. I lick his top lip and suckle gently on the bottom one as Finn groans and squirms underneath me.

  “Theo, I don’t…” he puzzles, confused by what I want.

  Tell him what you want, Theo. Fucking man up, you big girl’s blouse. Jesus.

  “I want you inside me. Don’t tell me I’m not ready because I am. I know I am. I want you, in every way possible. I need this.”

  I press my mouth to his, slipping my tongue past his lips and savouring him.

  Finn looks stupefied. Like Harry Potter has entered the bedroom and cast a spell on him with his wand.

  I roll us over, so Finn’s gorgeous body is on top of me. The heat burns fiercely between us as we grind our hips together while Finn reaches his decision.

  He needs to hurry the hell up before I explode.

  I look up at him as he ponders, searching my eyes for any signs of uncertainty. When he’s sure there’s none, he gives a slight nod, his whole body vibrating with restraint.

  “As long as you’re sure, Theo, because you can’t go back once we’ve been there.”

  I cup his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me as I tell him, “I trust you, Finn. I trust you with my life. I’ve watched you, remember? You know what you’re doing, baby. I want you desperately. I’ve dreamed of this moment since I was sixteen. Please don’t deny me because you think I’m not ready.” I’m not above grovelling at this point.

  I tremble with anticipation and desire as Finn kisses me and reaches into my nightstand, bringing out a bottle of lube and a condom which he places on the bed beside us.

  Finn leans over me, kneeling between my open legs, his hands by my head as he kisses the anxiety out of me. I put my hand on the back of his head and pull him closer, twisting my tongue with his as I kiss him back with everything I have in me. Every touch, every emotion, I pour it all into that kiss until our breathing labours.

  Finn nibbles and licks his way down my chest, stopping for a moment to lick and suck my nipples. I throw my head back on the pillow and grit my teeth.

  “Shit, Finn,” I hiss, as he nips and licks his way down my torso, along each ridge and valley of my abs.

  I’m squirming and groaning aloud, not caring who the hell hears me as Finn reaches my groin. He nuzzles into the trim ha
ir around my engorged length, then licks my balls, sucking each one gently into his mouth. I arch my back and shout a curse.

  “Jesus Christ, baby. So good.”

  I continue to curse repeatedly while he licks up my shaft to the drop of sticky clear fluid at the tip. He flicks his tongue over it, tasting it, before wrapping his fingers around the base of my erection. Then he wraps his lips around the swollen head and sucks me down his throat.

  “Finn, stop. I don’t want to come yet and I’m close…so close.” I’m delirious with desire, but I need Finn inside me. I’ve never been more aroused in my entire life. I have no control with him.

  Finn slides back up my body and kisses me hard. He never once neglects my mouth, for which I’m thankful. It keeps us connected.

  He grabs the condom and slips it over his pulsating cock, then pumps some lube into his hand. He spreads some over his covered erection and kneels between my legs.

  “I need to prepare you first, babe. It’ll hurt a little in the beginning, but it should soon feel amazing.”

  “I told you, I trust you. Besides, I’ve had fingers in there before. Girls sometimes like to play around, too,” I admit, blushing and chuckling at his surprise.

  “I didn’t know you had done that.”

  “Well, yeah, you didn’t always take part. I did it when you weren’t there, a couple of times when I was drunk. I liked it. I promise.”

  Finn scoffs and shakes his head. I’ve surprised him again.

  “Okay, touch yourself while I prep you. It’ll help you relax. Try not to tense up.” I nod as Finn opens my legs wider and pushes my knees up to my chest.

  Then he groans and palms his erection, squeezing it tight.

  “Bloody hell, Theo. Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me? I’ve wanked off to this image in my head, and the reality is so much better.”

  Teeth clenched and jaw tight, I try to relax as he slides his lubed fingers along my crease. He finds my entrance and massages in gentle circles. I groan in appreciation.

  As I stroke my sensitive cock in slow, upward pulls, I feel his finger breach me, burning a little as he moves it in and out. I grumble in my chest and arch my back at the intrusion, breathing at a rapid pace.

  “You okay?” Finn asks, concerned as he kisses me.

  “Fuck yes, I’m okay. I forgot how good it felt after the initial burn. More, Finn.”

  Finn inserts a second finger, stretching me further as he pushes them both in to the knuckle, moving them in and out. I’m hit with a sudden intense sensation, and I know he’s hit my prostate.

  “Yes, right there. God, don’t stop.”

  I’m drunk with lust and out of my mind with the need to come. Finn crawls up my body, removing his fingers gently and lying on top of me.

  I feel a probing at my entrance.

  “You ready, babe? You’re nice and relaxed for me. We’ll go slow, okay?”

  I nod and suck his top lip, demanding he open for me as he nudges the head of his cock against my opening. The pressure is intense, and my eyes widen as I look at Finn, panicked.

  “Just relax and let it happen. You’ll be fine with me, I promise,” he reassures me. “I love you, Theo…so much,” he whispers over my lips, as my muscles give way and allow him entry.

  I gasp as he slips inside. It feels wrong, like it shouldn’t be there, but it also feels fucking amazing, like it’s exactly where it’s supposed to be. Finn rocks his hips forward as he kisses me hard.

  This is incredible. Fuck. Finn is incredible.

  Then Finn is buried inside me, to the hilt. I feel so full; full of Finn. I wrap my legs around his hips and lift my pelvis, signalling him to move. He rocks his hips, slow at first, testing to see if I’m in any pain.

  I’m in Heaven.

  “Theo,” he gasps as he rolls forward. “You feel amazing. So right. I can’t believe we’re doing this, fuck.”

  “Harder, Finn. I need more. This is…”

  Finn bends forward and sucks my nipple into his hot mouth as he thrusts his hips faster, picking up the pace. I shout out a curse as I tilt my pelvis up to meet his.

  “Right there, Finn, right fucking there. Shit,” I yell as he nails my prostate again and again.

  I grab his arse cheeks as he pounds into me, sweat beading on his forehead, his breathing laboured. I’m so close, and I’m not even touching myself. Finn’s thrusts become erratic and I know he’s nearing the end, too.

  “Finn, I can’t hold it any longer.”

  He wraps his long, dexterous fingers around my erection and gives a few fast pulls until I erupt, shouting his name.

  “Finn, fuck. Oh, God.”

  My orgasm tears through me, enough to spur his, as I come all over my stomach and his hand.

  “Theo, shit,” he growls, flexing his hips one last time as he thrusts hard and comes inside me.

  He thrusts a few more times with each spasm. We continue to kiss, riding out the aftershocks of the best orgasm I’ve ever had.

  “Are you okay?” I whisper to Finn, brushing his sweaty brown curls from his forehead. His cheeks have flushed, his lips swollen. He’s never looked more beautiful. We’re still plastered together by sweat and my warm, sticky fluids, and I don’t give a shit. Neither does he.

  He nods and his mouth curves up into a huge grin. “Hell, yeah. I’m bloody fantastic. What about you?”

  I nod, looking at him with a lingering gaze, my heart swollen with love, then I pull his forehead to mine.

  “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. My control almost snapped more than once.” Finn nods, his eyes becoming glassy as he bites his bottom lip. He’s still smiling, though.

  “So, are we boyfriends now? Do you want to be with me, Finn?”

  He lifts his head to press his lips against mine in a tender kiss.

  “Yes, Theo, of course I want to be with you. Have you any idea how long I’ve waited for you to say those words to me? I’ve dreamed of this, almost every day since we first kissed.” His chin trembles, and he composes himself.

  “I’m in love with you, too, Theo. I have been for years, but for the same reason as you, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, even when I suspected your feelings had changed.”

  We kiss again, less hurried this time, safe in the knowledge that we both feel the same.

  “Wanna shower with me again?” I suggest.

  Finn winks, gripping the base of the condom and pulls out of me with care. It leaves me with an empty sensation as we waltz off to the shower where more kissing and grinding continues, until we fall into bed exhausted.

  Chapter 26

  FINN

  “Theo? Where are you? I can’t find you…Theo?”

  Panic overshadows me as I amble along a never-ending corridor with red walls and doors on either side. Theo has gone, I can’t find him. My heart thunders, fit to burst from my throat and out of my mouth. It nauseates me. I have to find Theo. I need him. That man can’t find me first.

  On hyper-alert, I put my ear to the first door, hearing nothing. Maybe Theo is in there? I open it gradually to expose a darkened bedroom.

  “Theo?” I whisper as I step inside with caution. The door slams shut behind me, plunging me into darkness. I’m alone and trapped.

  I grab the handle and try to open the door, but it won’t budge. As if someone is holding it from the other side. A maniacal laugh rings out from somewhere in the pitch black.

  “Come now, Finn. You owe me. It’s my turn.”

  It’s him…Tom, and he’s in this room with me. I yank the door handle, kicking and banging with fury to get out.

  “Let me out, you sick fucker. Open this door. Theo, where are you? Please, Theo…”

  I flinch when a hand touches my cheek. “No. You will not touch me this time. No…”

  “Finn, wake up, baby. I’m here with you, next to you. Together, always.”

  I bolt upright, gasping and sweating, my pulse racing. It was a dream. Another horrible, stupid dream. The
o’s holding my face, reassuring me, while I scan the room, struggling to get my bearings.

  “It’s okay, Finn. It was just a dream. I’m here with you, no one else, just me.” He rubs circles on my back to calm my terror.

  We’re both sitting up in the middle of the bed, with the moonlight shining on Theo’s handsome face, illuminating his blue eyes and tousled brown bed hair. It still looks sexy as fuck. I’m panting like I’ve run a marathon, and sweat dampens the nape of my neck.

  I drop my head into my shaking hands, then drag my fingers through my hair, tugging at the strands in frustration.

  “That bastard still gets to me in my dreams, Theo. He’s still there, taunting me and telling me I owe him. I owe him nothing. I know that, but he’s still there. I dread going to sleep, but I get so tired. When will it ever stop? I’m shackled by him.” My voice cracks as I shiver with the chill and anxiety.

  He pulls me down on the bed, onto his chest and covers me with the duvet.

  Theo kisses my sweaty forehead. “I don’t know, Finn. I really don’t. But you need to get some sleep. Lack of sleep will make you feel worse. Have you thought about getting some professional help yet? You might have PTSD. I’m concerned. Maybe what we did tonight, well, it could have—”

  “No, don’t say that,” I deny vehemently, as he tilts his head to look at me. “He will not take this from me. From us. I’ve waited far too long for you. I don’t see him when we’re intimate. Only you, Theo. I know what I want, and before you ask, yes, I’m sure.”

  Theo smiles and places a hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forward, calming me.

  “Okay, but maybe we went a little too fast?” I open my mouth to protest but he cuts in before I can speak. “As much as we want to do this, we need to take it at a pace that won’t have negative effects on you.”

  “I want you to try touching me, though, Theo. I want your hand on me, wrapped tightly around my dick. I’ve fantasised about it all these years, and I’m ready for that.” I rub my hand over the hard-on in my underwear.