Boys Will Be Boys

by Clementine Ford

  In our house, you’ll be just as likely to find princess costumes in your toy box as you will a pirate’s hat or a football. You’re currently obsessed with trains, but you also like to put them in the seat of your dolly stroller and walk them around the living room. You ballet dance along with Emma Wiggle, and when she says goodbye you lift your hands to your head and copy her as she wishes you a ‘bowtiful day’. You may not ever want to wear the dresses we have hanging in your closet, but we want you to know that they are just as legitimate a choice for you as a pair of jeans. I’m prepared (I think) for the moment you might come home from kindy or school and tell me something like ‘pink isn’t for boys’ or that ‘girls can’t do x, y or z’, but it still breaks my heart to know how little time you and your friends have before that lesson will be forced on you. I’m trying to make sure you’re strong enough to resist it. I hope I succeed. No matter what happens, I hope that our home will always be a soft place for you to land.

  There are other homes out there, battlegrounds with lines drawn around gendered roles and expectations. In such homes, there are daily reminders of what makes a ‘real’ boy, and they’re strictly enforced. These boys live with adults who deny them toys and clothes based on nothing more convincing than the sex they’ve been assigned at birth. They might have fathers who mock them for liking butterflies and fairies, and mothers who side with those men because they’re also afraid of what it means to produce a son who, in their eyes, ‘fails’ at being a boy. This is where the first lessons of toxic masculinity are learned, and the potential they have to cause lifelong harm cannot be underestimated.

  You are lucky, my darling. You have a father who is gentle and kind, who models empathy and compassion. You will never be made to feel ashamed or afraid to cry in front of him. Sharing your emotions isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength.

  You’re only little now, and you probably think I have the answers to everything. But by the time you read this, you’ll be old enough to realise that I’m just as confused about life as you are. I can only tell you what I’ve learned along the way.

  Here’s what I know.

  Your kindness and empathy are valuable. You have both these things in spades, and you must hold on to them. If you trust what they tell you, they’ll help you to make the right choices.

  Power is not gained by taking something from another person. Don’t use women as a way to reckon with your own feelings of inadequacy or anger. We are not the conduits for male pain.

  Violence is not the way to solve your problems. You’ll meet people along the way who think it’s normal for boys to scrap with each other, to use their fists to settle disagreements and try to come out the winner. These people are wrong. Violence is ugly and brutal, and you are neither of these things.

  We all need to be held sometimes. Homophobia is such a destructive force in men’s lives. It teaches you to avoid each other’s touch and to shield yourselves from platonic male affection. It’s okay to hug another man. It’s okay to cry in front of each other. It’s okay to say you love each other. Be stronger than the message that tells you sharing basic human emotions with another man makes you somehow less of one.

  Respect women. Unless we succeed in radically changing the world in the next twenty years, understand that women have legitimate reasons to be afraid of you sometimes. This isn’t a reflection on your behaviour (I hope) but a response to the realities of the world they live in. Instead of getting upset about how it makes you feel, work with them to help make it different.

  Enjoy friendships with women. Listen to women when they talk to you about their lives, and recognise that their experiences are just as valid as yours. They don’t need you to explain their feelings or rationalise the things they might be talking about. As a white man, there are lots of inequalities you’ll be protected from during your life. Seek to expand your understanding of the world and the privilege you have within it, and then be a part of dismantling the system.

  Resist other men’s attempts to bond with you over the degradation of women. It isn’t funny to joke about raping women or beating them. Telling them to ‘get back into the kitchen’ or ‘make a sandwich’ is bad comedy, and we’ve raised you with better teachers than that. I hear these things from boys and men all the time, and I can tell you they’re not funny—they’re degrading and frightening. Don’t align yourself with people who rely on making women feel afraid in order to make themselves feel better. Too many men claim to oppose gendered violence while failing to speak out against it when they see their peers perpetrating it. You can be braver than that.

  Seek intimacy. Sex should be a conversation between consenting adults. You are not owed anything by anybody. Recognise that there is infinite pleasure to be had in making sure your partner or partners are enjoying themselves, and exploring your mutual desires together. They can say no at any stage. So can you.

  Embrace sensitivity. Don’t let a world that’s frightened of soft men succeed in breaking you. We have too many broken men. We need men like you, men whose strength comes from being gentle. Have faith in this.

  Remember, your life is no more valuable than anyone else’s. But you can live in a way that brings value to everybody.

  These are the things I wanted to teach you. I hope I have succeeded.

  But all that is in the future. For the time being, yours is a simple life. You wake, you eat, you play and you sleep. We ask you where your foot is and you grab it, smiling. You laugh endlessly, and it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. When your friends come to play, you hug them. When you walk together, you reach for their ‘ham’. You know how to say please. You know how to say thank you. You know how to say sorry.

  You are my son, my sun. I am dazzled by your brightness. You burn me with your beauty. I am at peace in the warmth of your rays.

  I want this world to be different for you. I want you to have more choices about the kind of boy you want to be. Boys will be boys, but we have so far collectively failed to let you all be anything other than the most rigid, damaging and reductive form of boy. What if we tried to do things differently? It might require a number of attempts on our part. We may have to return to the drawing board again and again. But if we work at it, if we direct our energies into addressing our mistakes and finding better solutions, we can paint an alternative picture.

  Boys will be sensitive. Boys will be soft. Boys will be kind. Boys will be gentle. Boys will respect girls. Boys will be accountable for their actions. Boys will be expressive. Boys will be loving. Boys will be nurturing.

  Boys will be different from everything the world has so far told them they have to be in order to be a man.

  To my darling son, my light and my life. I will not be the one who hands you the knife and shows you how to carve out the parts of yourself that don’t fit. To the sons of my friends, to my nephews. To the boys who want butterflies painted on their cheeks, the boys who twirl in dresses and the boys who always pick the sparkly shoes: we can do this together.

  Are you ready?

  Love,

  Mummy

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  How do I begin to thank all of the people who helped bring this book to life? It has been a labour of love, tears and heartache in so many ways, and I couldn’t possibly have managed without the incredible support of the people who believed in it just as much as I do.

  First and foremost, to my formidable publisher Jane Palfreyman at Allen & Unwin. There aren’t enough words in the world to thank you for the faith you’ve shown in me over the last three years. I am so proud to call you a friend and mentor. To work with someone so passionate is a blessing, but to do this in particular with someone who cares as deeply about these issues as I do is truly a gift. Australian publishing is so lucky to have you. To my publishers at Oneworld, thank you thank you thank you for taking a chance on an Australian girl.

  To Christa Munns and Ali Lavau, who have worked their magic once again by kindly prodding me to burn the bit
s that weren’t working and to help shape the bits that showed promise into something much better. This book would be a dog’s breakfast without you. Thank you to Sarah Baker for her careful proofreading of these pages, and her insightful margin notes! Thank you also to Harriet Wade at Oneworld and Kate Bland – you are perfection.

  To my publicist, Louise Cornegé. What can I say? I adore you. In all the brilliant things that have happened in the last couple of years, it seems unfair that I also got to find a wonderful new friend. But I’ll take it.

  To Tami Rex and Fleur Hamilton: marketing are the unsung heroes behind book sales and us sensitive, highly strung authors thank you from the bottoms of our insecure little hearts.

  Thank you to Jacinta di Mase, who is still quite literally the best agent anyone could ask for. I cannot imagine what my life would be like now if I hadn’t met with you in that coffee shop all those years ago. I would probably be working in that coffee shop. I love you.

  Thank you to my editor at Fairfax, Nat Reilly, who has been so understanding about the weeks I’ve taken off at the last minute to get this writing done. You rock my world. Thank you for believing in me.

  My deepest gratitude to Margot Fink and Nevo Zisin for their work as sensitivity readers on the chapter ‘It’s a boy’, and also to Gala Vanting for her work as a sensitivity reader on the chapter ‘We know what boys are like’. Your insights were invaluable and greatly appreciated.

  My heartfelt thanks to the following people who all generously permitted me to quote their work throughout this book: Jess Hill, Carina Chocano, Ben Folds and Matt Lubchansky. Some excerpts from this text have also previously appeared in my columns for Fairfax.

  Thank you to the women who hold me close: Fyfe, Pop, Swish, Tui, Betho, Maim. You’re still the best girl gang out.

  Amy Gray, I miss you like a left arm that’s been lost in a war. Let’s go buy some Motown records soon.

  This book literally couldn’t have been written without the generous support of those who lent me their quiet houses. To Marieke Hardy and Amelia Chappelow, you are angels. Thank you to Polly for being my writing companion in these times. Thank you also to the legendary Mary Crooks from the Victorian Women’s Trust. I can’t stress enough how important it is for women (and mothers especially) to be given the gift of space and time to write. It is political, of course, as everything is.

  To my crew of mothers, for whom this is all as pressing and important as it is to me. Anais, thank you for being the one to steady the ship when needed. Anna, thank you for paving the way. Karen, thank you for being a sounding board. To Lou, who has shared a carriage with me on the motherhood train from the beginning and whose companionship I would be lost without. My sister and best friend, Charlotte, who has always provided me with a perfect model of compassion, patience and empathy. To all of you, thank you for being so committed to raising boys who will be different. They are lucky to have you, as am I.

  To Paige. Simply put, this book wouldn’t exist without your care and support for F. Thank you for loving him so dearly, and being someone I can trust wholeheartedly to leave him with. Every page of this book has you written on it.

  To my mother, Luciana. I miss you every day.

  Thank you to my partner Jesse. The last time I wrote acknowledgments like these out, we were two waiting to become three. Who knows what extraordinary things we did in a past life to deserve the bood but if we don’t make any sudden movements, maybe they won’t realise they made a mistake. Thank you for being the best, kindest, and softest example of loving masculinity that he could possibly have. I have no fears for him, because he has you.

  Finally, to my son. You are the reason. You are the answer.

  A Oneworld Book

  First published in Great Britain and North America

  by Oneworld Publications, 2019

  This ebook published 2019

  Copyright © Clementine Ford 2018, 2019

  The moral right of Clementine Ford to be identified as the Author

  of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the

  Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights reserved

  Copyright under Berne Convention

  A CIP record for this title is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978-1-78607-663-2

  eISBN 978-1-78607-664-9

  Oneworld Publications

  10 Bloomsbury Street

  London

  WC1B 3 SR

  United Kingdom

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