The Conversion

by DK Andrews

not in her interest to discourage me from participating in the program. Perhaps I’m bothered because she could be right. What if it was the wrong decision?

  The noise from the approaching bus seems louder today than other days. On the bus, I feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up, contemplating my immanent encounter with Gloria—I really don’t want to see her face, but I need to pick up Micah’s stuff for his upcoming camping trip. I try an old tactic, taking deep breaths, and counting. Inhale, count; exhale, count. It will be OK, I think to myself. I close my eyes and push away the image of Gloria. As soon as I do, Gabriel’s image replaces it. I shake my head. Why can’t I just not think for once? No dark thoughts, no happy thoughts—just, nothing. I wish my memories could be destroyed now before the Conversion and not on the day it will take place How nice it would be to have a clear head that is free from all memories, logic, and thought. Dr. Kismen’s words echo in mind: “Soon you’ll be gone...Soon you’ll be gone...” Replaying those words over and over gets me thinking: That’s right, I don’t have long to live. I can do whatever I want! I need to put my worry and doubt behind me and take control.

  Having Gabriel around creates mixed feelings within me. His gaze thrills me but makes me uncomfortable. His touch excites and terrifies me all at the same time. However, I can’t shake the memories of that monster from my past, the one who stole my childhood and forever ruined my existence. Why, though? Why can’t I let these evil memories and thoughts go? Why can’t my mind set me free? It’s been four years, but time hasn’t healed me, and now I have precious little time left. Tears stream down my face as I realize that I will die without knowing the love between myself and a man.

  I lightly hit the sides of my head with my fists; in the hope that it will help me get past my misery and sadness. My mind needs to absorb the fact that self-harm doesn’t help anything.

  Stop! Stop! This is all too much. I need a moment.

  Images of Nicole, Sophie, Dr. Kismen, Gabriel, and Gloria spin in circles through my head. I leap from my seat, realizing that I’m getting close to my stop. Don’t think about Gloria, I say to myself. Stop thinking about her altogether—she can’t hurt you anymore.

  I get off the bus and see my house. Pain and sadness are all I have connecting me to it. As I approach, I squeeze my stomach to ease my anxiety. I have to just do it! Just grab Micah’s belongings and make a run for it! I’ll be at Christina’s place this whole weekend—I will get to enjoy a real home once again, for a change.

  I take one last breath as I turn the key in the door. I manage to get inside without making a peep, but then my keys slip through my fingers and fall hard onto the wooden floor. Shit.

  “Who’s that?” Gloria yells in her husky, drunken voice. “I said... who is it?” she shouts again as she struggles off the couch and toward the door.

  “It’s me!” I say.

  “What?”She says as she appears I the doorway to stand in front of me. She looks rabid-dirty and disgusting. She just stares at me with glazed-over eyes, holding a cigarette, and swaying drunkenly.“Where the hell have you been?”

  “I’ve been looking for a job,” I reply calmly.

  “Finally, something productive,” she responds, blowing foul second-hand smoke in my face.

  I wave away the disgusting smell. I’m strong, I can fight this woman. I step forward and simply walk around her.

  Shocked that I didn’t take the bait, Gloria clumsily walks behind me and tries to grab my arm. I pull myself away from her weak grasp with ease. “What do you want?” I say firmly. It catches her completely off-guard. She pulls herself back, and I head toward the bedroom.

  “Stop right there you little brat!” Gloria screams as she storms into the bedroom and falls to the floor face first.

  “What? What do you want, Gloria?” My new found self-confidence somehow strikes a cord with Gloria who gathers herself up from the floor by clutching the back of a chair and seems o sober up quickly.

  “Don’t—” she says just before a series of burps and hiccups.

  I grab my backpack from underneath the chair holding her upright. All I need to do is to get the clothes hanging in the closet. I don’t ever want to come back here again. I will beg Christina to let us stay for another three weeks, then Micah will be back with his grandparents, and I will be gone forever. I notice Gloria slyly observing me as I gather our belongings. “What are you staring at?” I throw a shirt at her. I can’t believe it’s me right now standing in our house and talking back like this. Did Mentior change me?

  “Don’t you talk to your mother like that!”Gloria says angrily, hiccupping again. “Have some damn respect.”

  “My mother? You must be joking!” I sneer back.

  “Where is Micah?”

  “Don't worry about it. He’s fine, and so am I.”I continue filling my backpack with clothes and don’t even bother looking at her.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m packing my clothes! Are you blind? Can’t you see that? Maybe your years of nonstop drinking have blurred your vision!”

  “Watch yourself!” She points and snarls at me threateningly. “You have no idea who you are dealing with.”

  “I know exactly who I’m dealing with!” I zip up my now full backpack and look up at Gloria. I need to walk past her to make it out of the bedroom. But now I have no fear. With confidence and my head held high, I walk past her and into the living room. I’m almost at the door when I feel her hand on my backpack. She grabs it from my shoulders and throws it across the room. It falls open, and the clothes scatter all over the floor.

  “You are not going anywhere!” she screams and sways.

  “Says who?” I say, grabbing the scattered clothes and my diary off the floor and shoving them back into my bag. I’m not scared. I’m surpassingly calm. I pick up whatever items I see in front me and if I forget something, so be it; I can’t stand being in the same room with this disgusting human being any longer.

  “I’m your mother, and I’m telling you!” Gloria screams at me.

  “Don’t kid yourself, you aren’t my mother—you have never been!”

  “Bring back Micah, Alina!”

  “Never. I will never let him near you or stay with you anymore! You don’t deserve to be his mother!”

  “That’s enough!”Gloria is clearly growing more agitated and out of control. She can’t accept the fact she’s not in control anymore; I’m not her property, I’m not her punching bag.

  I’m nearly out the door when I feel the tight squeeze of her claw-like hand on my arm. Through gritted teeth, she says, “I said you are not stepping out of this house.”

  “Let go of me,” I say as calmly as I can. “I have to go.”She doesn’t, of course.

  “You are staying here, you waste of space.”

  I can smell the alcohol and cigarettes on her breath, and it makes me sick. I manage to pull myself free, and as she tries to grab me again, I push myself out of her way. Her eyes are full of hate. She surely didn’t see this coming; her daughter can fight back. “You will regret this,” she says angrily, trying to intimidate me.

  “Sure I will,” I answer sarcastically.

  “You’d better bring Micah back!”Her voice cracks. “If you don’t, I’ll kill you—I mean it!” It’s all bluster with her. I just laugh at the threat—she’s lucky to get up off the couch most days.“What are you laughing at, you dirty, conniving little bitch!” She manages to grab my arm again.“You have no idea the can of worms you’ve just opened! You will regret it!”

  “Yeah? What are you going to do this time? Sell me to another man for hundred bucks?” I say with anger. “I’m not thirteen anymore. I’m smarter and stronger.” With that, I yank my arm back away from her grasp.

  “You ungrateful little piece of—”

  Shut up!” I say. “We are done here, Gloria! You stay away from Micah and me. Forget we were ever born!”I open the front door and run outside. I hear her voice echoing behind me: “I�
�ll find out what you are up to! I’m going to find you both! THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL FOR YOU!”

  Her empty threats don’t bother me. They are nothing, just a bunch of hot air. I’m proud that I wasn’t defeated by her, that I was able to repel her anger. I have changed; I feel different inside. Today, I managed to let go of one of my biggest fears. No more emotional or physical abuse: I’m done with it.

  I make it to Christina’s house, exhausted but still on a high from my victory in the battle against Gloria. Later that night, Cristina gently closed the door to the spare bedroom where Micah and I are staying and wished us goodnight. Tomorrow will be a big day for him—he’s going camping. All he talked about at dinner was how much fun he and Bennett will have at the lake, what games they plan to play, what food they’ll eat. They will be on their way tomorrow morning before I go to Ultima.

  I toss and turn in bed, unable to find a comfortable position. I hate to admit it to myself, but my mind can’t erase Gabriel’s face. I keep replaying the encounters we’ve had. I can almost feel his hand in mine.“Go, please,” I whisper to myself, hoping to chase away the image of Gabriel. “Leave me alone.” But it remains. I do want to see him again, and I still can’t explain to myself why I just don’t reveal who I am to him. Am I afraid to disappoint him? Why would that even matter?

  I turn onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. I count the hours until I have to get up, and I