by DK Andrews
closed fist, and finally, slip out of his embrace.“STOP!” I yell. “You have to STOP!” I wipe my mouth from all the moisture, and I can feel the tears coming down my face. Mortified, I jump up from my seat and run out from the concert hall.
Gabriel follows after me and quickly overtakes me, catching me from behind, locking my waist in his arms.
“Let go of me!” I scream at the top of my lungs, scratching his hands.
“All right! All right!” he says, taking a step back.
I catch my breath, try to calm down. I need to explain myself to him.
“Alina,” he says, looking up at me. “I want to understand you. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Gabriel…” I gasp for air one more time “It’s not you, really.” I feel foolish using the phrase, but it’s true.
“What does that mean?” he asks desperately.
How do I want to avoid this conversation? Why is he forcing me to open up?
I make a fist, digging my nails into my palm. I need to walk to take the edge off. I see the exit door that leads outside to a balcony that faces the water. I need to breathe in a lungful of the salty, fresh ocean air and to clear my head before I can confess my past.
As I walk, I hear Gabriel’s footsteps behind me. It’s nice of him to keep silent right now and not overwhelm me with millions of questions.
Once on the balcony, I hold on to the metal railing tightly and stare out at the ferries passing by. Life just goes on, never stopping, no matter what tragedy or pain you are going through. Without even looking, I know that Gabriel is behind me, waiting.
“Look, Gabriel…” I start, unable to find the right words.
“Did someone hurt you?”
“Something like that.”
“I see. I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. People get their hearts broken all the time, but they pick themselves up and keep going.”
“Heartbroken,” I grunt, “Trust me, Gabriel, I wish it was something so simple, like a heartbreak.”
“What?” he asks. “I really do want to understand what’s bothering.”
“I’m no virgin,” I blurt out, realizing that I should have given a bit of back-story first instead of just blurting it out.
“But—but you said you’ve never kissed before.”
“I haven’t.”
“But—”
“—My virginity was taken against my will,” I hope he understands what I mean.
“That’s terrible,” he says softly, his face fixed into a unblinking stare. “I’m so sorry, Alina.”
“It happened ages ago,” I say, holding back my tears.
“Did he go to jail?” Gabriel is asking, hoping for some sense of justice.
“Of course not,” I say as I shut my eyes, concentrating on not letting my emotional agony show. “I didn’t go to the police.”
“Why not!” he says, shocked.
Clearly, he sees the world quite differently than I do.“Because I just couldn’t…”, I bite my tongue and stop myself from telling him the whole sad story.
“Alina,” Gabriel says resolutely, “after the Conversion, we will go to the police together and report this bastard!”
“Ha,” I say sarcastically “A little too late, unfortunately; it happened so long ago, nothing can be done now.”
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it happened; we can still do something about it. You can’t just let someone get away with living a normal life after they’ve done such a horrible thing. After The Conversion, we are going to the police, and you'll tell them everything. My parents know the best lawyers in the city. Even if we can’t lock him up, we can still make him face his crimes and shame him publically.” Gabriel’s eyes are full of hope. He genuinely believes he can fix my situation. That he can fix me.
“It’s alright Gabriel,” I say. “Please just let it be.”
“No, I will not!” Gabriel's voice rises to the shout.
“I’m telling you, it’s not going to help me.”
“Yes, it will. You’ll see, we’ll bring that asshole to justice!”
“Gabriel, I’m telling you no!” I yell, trying to get him to drop it. “You don’t know the whole story!”
“Then tell me!” Gabriel fires back.
I feel light-headed. My eyes are welling up with tears, and finally, I burst out, shouting, “My mother put me under him!” As soon as the words come out, I begin to wail. I can’t stop, and I nearly collapse, but somehow Gabriel catches me and holding me tight. His wide shoulders are like a wall that protects me from all the troubles, tragedies, and evils of the world.
I’m crying, but this time it feels different. I’m lighter somehow as if I’ve been relieved of the pain of guilt and shame that had accompanied me throughout my life. It had painted my life in dark tones, made me hear and see the worst in people. It turned all the beauty of life into a torturous game. Finally, I feel as if I am letting it all go. I have rid myself of the shackles that held me down for so long.
“Oh, Alina” Gabriel whispers.
He strokes the back of my head tenderly. Our hearts beats in unison. I smile through my tears. Today is the happiest day of my life. I feel free. The strains of the violins travel through the concrete walls of the theater, and I close my eyes, moving my feet to the melody. Gabriel catches onto the rhythm and grasps me in is arms.
I look up at him and say, “This is my first dance.”He wipes a tear from my cheek.
“Mine too,” he says, holding me tighter.
This is it, I’m in heaven. I want to stay in the Mentior forever. But my time here is so fragile, so limited. How do I tell him I’ll be leaving this world forever very soon? We dance, then listen to the music then dance again. We both don’t realize how quickly time flew.
I stop our slow dance, grab Gabriel’s hand, and say “We should get going. Nicole and Sophie should be back from the zoo by now and are probably waiting for us.”
“No more music?” Gabriel asks, pulling me back in into his arms to continue our dance.
“Maybe tomorrow,” I say. I’ve had enough of intense emotions for one day.
We walk away holding hands. I have shared my suffering with another human being. I no longer stand alone.
I hope Nicole will stop interrogating me. I don’t want to tell Gabriel about selling my life. I want his and my happiness to linger for longer. I don’t want to waste what little time we will have together justifying my decisions.
“I know you’re not that excited to see Nicole and Sophie,” I say.
“Sure I am—I mean, not as excited as you are. I just—you know—want to spend time with you. I mean, they are great too, I just don’t think Nicole likes me.”
“Why would you think that?” It’s quite the opposite, of course. Nicole is trying to protect Gabriel—she wants me to tell him the truth.
“Every time we are with her, she always takes you aside for some ‘girl talk,’ so I just assume she’s trying to warn you about boys like me.”
“No, no, it’s not like that at all,” I say defensively.
“No?” he asks.“Then what do you girls talk about?”
My heart jumps. “Oh—um, we talk about her life.”
“I see. I still can’t believe she sold her life.”
“Yes,” I agree. “It is sad. But let’s not talk about it, OK? She's become a good friend, and I really don’t want to think about her not being around.”
“Right. Of course.”
“Thank you.” I give him a dry smile.
“So what do you want to do now?” he asks.
“Not sure yet,” I say, looking down at the pathway. “We’ll see what Nicole wants to do.”
Clouds still dominate the afternoon sky, leaving between only transitory patches of blue. Though they are mostly white, there is a hint of gray around their edges—it might rain. I look over at the bridge and take it in. Today it looks marvelous. It no longer represents a place of suicide for me—only the glory of mode
rn architecture.
Gabriel notices I’m staring. “You really love that bridge, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I say. “It’s so powerful.”
I turn toward Gabriel and pull him into me for a kiss. I’m free—my fear is gone. His lips are intense, they make me desire even more. I can’t deny our passion.
We are abruptly interrupted by a voice calling from behind us.“Alina!”
It’s Nicole. Chills run through my body as if I have been caught committing a crime. I quickly step back from Gabriel and turn around.
“Oh, hey guys!” I say, trying to sound as if I hadn’t just been kissing Gabriel.
“Hello, there,” Nicole answers with a wry smile.
I laugh nervously.
Gabriel pipes up. “Hi Nicole.”
“Hello Gabriel.”
Sophie, of course, has no idea what’s happening. She’s just happy to be around us again. I lift her up and hold her in my arms. She’s just such a ray of sunshine. She reminds me of Micah, my sweet Micah.
“Hey Alina!” Sophie says. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I say. “Really good.” I look at Nicole and Gabriel, they both seem uncomfortable.
“How was the Zoo?” I ask Nicole.
“Good” Nicole replies somewhat curtly.
“It was awesome!” Sophie says excitedly. “I loved it so much! There were so many different kinds of animals! Have you ever seen an elephant?”
“No, I haven’t,” I answer. It occurs to me that Micah and I should take a trip to the zoo before I die.
“I have, though!” Gabriel says, sneaking up and grabbing Sophie’s hand. They walk ahead, and I know this will be the time Nicole starts asking questions again.
“Please Nicole, just don’t say anything,” I beg her. “Don’t ruin this moment.”
“I take it you haven’t told him yet?” Nicole says.
“Tomorrow,” I say half-heartedly. “I will tell him tomorrow. I promise.”
“I doubt that,” Nicole mutters under her breath.
“I’m sorry?”
“Nothing.” she says.
“So how are things with Sophie?”
At the mention of Sophie’s name Nicole’s mood immediately softens. “It was a great morning, Alina. All the happiness and hope she emanates is overwhelming me! Sophie is my little diamond! I can’t believe the Conversion will be happening so soon!” Her eyes fill with tears.
I have no comforting words for her; I’m in the same boat. “You don’t want to go through the Conversion?” I ask.
She bursts into tears. “I’ve made such a big mistake, deciding to give up on my life. Why did I think suicide was the way?”
“You are not committing suicide, though,” I say.
“Whatever it is I’m doing—committing suicide or selling my life—the point is, my funeral date is set, I don’t have a future.” She continues to weep. “You know, if I could only get a second chance, I would find Sophie and maybe visit her once in a while if her parents would let me.” She’s consumed by her grief.
There is no proper way to comfort her with words, so I take a step toward her, wrap my arms around her, and hold her.
“Oh, Alina!” Nicole says. I can feel her warm tears on the back of my neck. “I know,” I whisper. “I know how much it hurts.”
Nicole wants out. Is there any way to make it happen? She has no bracelet, so she’s not tracked. That makes things much easier, but I have no idea where she is in the Ultima Center.
I look at her puffy red eyes, and I pull her hair back from her face.“Nicole, what floor are you on?”
“What do you mean?”
“At Ultima. What floor are you staying on?”
“I can’t remember—I mean, I didn’t really pay any attention. The nurse just swiped the card, and the elevator took us up. It’s not like she announced the floor and there are no numbered buttons in the elevator, so I couldn’t tell what floor we ended up at. Why do you ask?”
“I guess I’m just curious,” I say coyly.
“Really?” Nicole squints her eyes. “You’d better not do anything stupid.”
“Like what?”
“Alina, it’s too late to help me, so please just enjoy your last days. Spend time with people that matter.” Nicole breaths in heavily.
“You have people you love on the outside, right? Family? Friends? If you don’t, then you can hang out with my family,” she says with a slight chuckle.
“I have Micah,” I say, remembering his sweet face.
“Who’s Micah?”
“My little brother, he’s my life—” I take a pause. “I mean, he was my life. I still haven’t told him about the Conversion. I really have no idea how to tell a nine-year-old that his sister has chosen to end her life.”
“It’s tough. I know my parents will be heartbroken, but I can’t even imagine what kind of reaction a nine-year-old will have.”
“ But I’m doing it for him,” I say, defensively.
“Really?” Nicole pushes back. “Or are you doing it because you can’t cope with your life?”
“I want him to have the money. He can have a great future; he just first needs to get away from our mother.”
“A case of an evil mother, huh?”
“You have no idea,” I respond.
“Gabriel seems like a nice guy,” Nicole says, changing the subject and looking for Gabriel and Sophie in the crowd.
“Yes, I think he’s honest.”
“You like him?”
“I really do.”
“Well, just remember what you need to tell him,” she says sternly.
“Ugh, I remember. How could I forget with you reminding me every day?”
“It’s important,” Nicole reiterates. “Anyway, what did you guys do today?”
“We listened to Vivaldi,” I say, smiling brightly.
“Wow,” Nicole says, “that’s romantic.”
“Yes, it was.”
“What are you guys going to do tomorrow?”
“Maybe another concert. What about you?”
“Sophie and I will probably go to see a kids’ play.” Nicole gazes over at Sophie, who is running straight toward her. Nicole catches her easily, and Sophie locks her little legs around Nicole’s body and gives her a big smooch.
Gabriel approaches me. “What were you guys talking about?” he asks.“Oh, wait a second,” he remembers, “I know you—you wouldn’t tell me anyway, so never mind.”
“Hey, hey,” I say, gently, taking him by the arm. “Don’t say that.”
“I didn’t mean to come across as rude; it’s just that you and Nicole are so secretive when you’re together.”
“There is nothing to worry about.”
“You sure?”
“Yes,” I say, doubling down on my lie. “There’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“All right,” he says with a sigh. “I believe you.” He takes my hand, and we walk slowly behind Nicole and Sophie. Nicole holds Sophie tight. She won’t let her go, not even for a second.
“More music tomorrow?” Gabriel asks.
“Absolutely,” I say.
The sunset is almost here, and today’s session is coming to an end. There were so many emotions that came out today. Some I still struggle to comprehend—so many discoveries that will stay with me until the end. I finally shared the biggest trauma of my life with another person, and he didn’t run away—he’s still here for me. He listened, he understood, he wants to help. There’s no way I can tell him I’m a Dator now. He will find out on the day of the Conversion, but I can’t do it sooner. I can’t destroy his world, I don’t want the truth to ruin my small share of happiness even though I know its only an illusion. We are together now, and this is just how it’s supposed to be. Sophie needs a life, and I will give it to her—besides, there is no chance of me escaping. The bracelet is always tracking me. It’s grown into my skin, we are inseparable, and no one can change that.
>
Gabriel leads me to a steel fence at the edge of the harbor behind the theater. I touch its cold surface with the very tips of my fingers.
“Alina, these past few days have been amazing. I can’t describe how much you mean to me already.”
I wordlessly gaze into his eyes.
“You might think these are just empty words,” he says as he pulls me in close and kisses my forehead, “but they’re not. You will feel the same eventually, I promise. Gabriel Holding always keeps his promises.”
As soon as I hear his full name, I feel a sharp pain in my heart, and I feel the blood rush from my face.
“I’m sorry?” I say, my voice trembling.
“What did I say?” Gabriel asks.
I put my hand on his chest to find my balance—maybe I heard him wrong. There has to be a mistake.
“Alina, are you alright?” Gabriel covers my hand with his.
“What did you say your last name was again?”
“Holding. Why? Is something wrong?” he looks into my eyes.
In a flash, all I see is a mist, and Dr. Kismen’s words replay in my head: “Yes, Mrs. Holding, that’s right. I just met her, and it’s a perfect match. Can you come by the Novus Center tomorrow with your son?”
I come to and see Gabriel. “Your—your last name is Holding?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel says, confused. “It’s pretty common, I guess. But why?”
Holding? Holding? Gabriel Holding! How could I have forgotten that conversation that I’d overheard at Dr. Kismen’s office? I’m not giving my life to Sophie after all! I’m giving it to Gabriel.
The session ends, but not before I manage to blurt out to Gabriel, “Tomorrow! Same place!”
DECISION
I’m Gabriel’s match, I can’t believe I didn’t realize that sooner! His parents are rich; they can afford to buy a young life. Sophie, on the other hand, mentioned how they have to move to her grandparent's place because her parents have nothing now.
“You’re all done for today,” Dr. Kismen says, looking at her watch, hinting that it’s time for me to get up.
“Right,” I say. I sit up and rub my eyes. My mind and heart are racing. This is not how everything was supposed to go. I was meant to suffer through the preparation process, overwhelmed by such bitter memories that I would beg for the Conversion to take place. Instead, I’m dreading it. I only have two weeks left with Gabriel, Christina, Nicole, Sophie, and, of course, Micah. If Gabriel finds out that I’m his life-giver, it might break his heart—and he’s got the full 50 years left to live.
“Alina?” Dr. Kismen says impatiently. I didn’t realize I was still sitting on the bed—everything just feels like a dream.
“Yes, of course.”
As we walk down the hall toward the reception area, I ask, “Dr. Kismen?”
“Yes?” She turns her head.
“Um… Is it… possible?” I take a breath.
She raises an eyebrow and waits for me to finish my sentence.
“Well…I have no money left.” I feel nervous and ashamed, but I just let it out: “Can I borrow some cash?” I don’t even know why I’m asking. I just want to linger in Ultima a little bit longer.
“Absolutely,” she answers, her expression softening. Come, follow me to the office.”
I want to know for sure if Gabriel is my Receiver and her office might offer up some clues.
She riffles her stack of the access cards. If I could only get my hands on them, what doors could they open for me? She swipes one of the cards and walks into her office. I’d already made a mental note earlier about which card she used for the elevator: it’s white with three stripes.
“Please sit down,” Dr.