Without taking her gaze from the house, she latches onto my hand and slides of the bike, coming to a stop against my chest.
“What are we doing here, Jay?” she asks, still looking at the house.
“How would you like to live here?”
She bites down on her bottom lip and hesitates. I can’t take much more of her hiding what’s going on in her head from me.
“Babe?”
“It’ll be better than staying at the club,” she says quietly.
I lead her up the front path and around the back of the house. Letting go of her, I ram my elbow into one of the square windows on the back door and glass falls to the ground around my boots.
Sticking my hand through the empty space, careful not to cut myself, I unlock the door and it swings open.
“Jay? Breaking and entering? Wow, you take me to the nicest places,” Harper sarcastically smiles and pushes by me.
“What are we doing here?” she asks again, the same question she just asked not a few moments ago.
“We’re going to rent it; it’s going to be our home from today.”
Once I lay down the deposit and rent, that is.
“No more staying at the club?” she asks, running her fingers over the kitchen counter. She takes in the whole room and I’m glad to see it’s being rented out with furniture.
“The club isn’t a no-go, but this will be home.”
Moving close to her, I push her towards the kitchen cupboard fronts, bracing one hand on the door and the other around her cheek. She’s so warm and soft, I don’t know what I would have done if she was taken away from me.
“Home?”
“Yes, babe. Our home and only ours.”
I lean in and claim her lips, again, so warm and soft. This is all mine. Nothing will ever take her from me, not even herself.
Harper
Three weeks later
Guilt is cruel when it creeps over you. Once it sets in, it roots itself and makes itself at home. The house is too quiet when JJ is out on club business, which is all the time lately. He text me saying he’d be home in an hour and that was three hours ago. He’s been staying out later and later and for longer lately and I’m sick of it. He rented this place for us and promised me the world. Now I have a house and no him. Maybe it’s because of me? Perhaps he can’t stand the sight of me after learning what I did, lord knows I can’t bring myself to look in the mirror. The one and only time I saw my reflection, I itched to claw my face clean off. I chose India to die and now I’m going to have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.
A loud buzzing in my head returns with full force and I push up out of my chair from the kitchen table. There’s so much shit we still need, and I’ve been trying to write a list of the furniture we need to buy. I open the fridge and grab a bottle of water, wishing it was a beer and I drink until the bottle is empty. The buzzing is ringing louder than ever. My body is thrumming with too much energy and I can’t stand it. I open the cupboards for something to eat and find nothing. I’m not even hungry. Maybe a smoke will help. I root around in my purse and find the pack empty. I run upstairs and check the jeans JJ wore yesterday; the pockets are empty too. Fuck. A knocking takes over the buzzing and I grind my knuckles into my temples to numb the intrusion.
This is my penance for choosing India. I have to pay and the torture I’m suffering on a daily basis is what I have to get used to now. Something is pressing against my chest; it’s getting tighter with every breath I try to take. I stumble and fall on the edge of the bed, I swear the walls are moving, coming towards me. The air is too thin to breathe and the pain in my chest is worsening. The knocking comes again and this time it’s louder, faster, harder. I jump up and run back downstairs, I snatch my purse off the table and grab my keys off the little hook in the hall. I unlock the door and go to burst through it when I bump into Cas, or as I should call him, my dad.
“Hey, where’s the fire?” he asks, laughing as he places his hands on my shoulders to steady me.
I look back into the house and there isn’t any smoke. “There’s no fire, I’m going out.”
His mouth opens but whatever he planned on saying doesn’t leave his mouth. With a shake of his head, he says, “Oh, JJ didn’t mention you were heading out.”
At least he’s seen my husband, it’s more than I can say. Jealousy ripples through me. It’s ludicrous to feel this way about my father but I miss my husband being around. I got used to having him to myself while we were in Mercy and now it’s basically no time together at all.
“Where are you heading?” he asks.
“I…um, I have doctor’s appointment and I’m running late.”
I’m learning fast with Cas. He doesn’t openly show his emotions but I catch his eyes narrowing slightly and his brow twitches like he’s trying to hide he doesn’t believe me. “Is something wrong? JJ didn’t say you were sick.”
“I’m due for a test before I continue my meds.”
It’s not technically a lie, my appointment was last week, and I conveniently missed it.
“Shouldn’t JJ be going with you to that shit?”
I love his attitude and how he talks. It’s honest and who he is, he doesn’t try to hide behind politeness.
“You’d think that,” I mutter so low he doesn’t catch it and close and lock the door behind me. “Look, I’ve got to go.”
Ever since I came back to town, he has been going out of his way to build a relationship with me but every time I look at him, all I see is the secret he’s keeping from people he’s known for years. Don’t get me wrong, it’s overwhelming to me he’s keeping his word and finally someone, besides JJ, is putting me first, it’s the guilt, I can’t turn in any direction without seeing a reminder.
I start down the front path and I’m nearly at the gate when he calls out, “Are you not going to ask me why I’m here?”
I stop and turn to face him still standing on the porch. The knocking has dulled in my head, but the buzzing has returned in its place.
He must be waiting for me to ask why but I stand there, wanting to be anywhere but here. My chest is tightening again and being near him is causing me pain.
“I got the all clear from the hospital this morning,” he says, grinning for, I think, the first time I’ve seen.
“That’s great,” I tell him and back up and out of the gate. My car is right there on the curb, so close but yet it feels so far away. I need to get out of here. I catch his eyes narrowing and his mouth pulling down at the corners before I flee. I have no idea where I’m going, I was leaving for a reason, but I can’t remember now. Cas showing up has dredged up everything I’m trying to forget and thrown me out of sorts. I need JJ, his presence is my balm. I blink and I’m at a stop light. I don’t remember driving this way, I don’t remember driving away from the house. Glancing in the rear-view mirror, Cas isn’t there. A car honking its horn at me is and I check the lights. It’s green. I put the car into gear and pull away too fast. My hands are shaking, and I can’t catch my breath. I pull over and Josie’s bar is across the street. I haven’t been inside for over a year, not since I tried to kill myself. The temporary flashes of peace I remember it brought me hits me and I crave to feel it again. Digging around in my purse, I find my phone and search for JJ’s number. I hit call and press it to my ear. My strength is dwindling, and I don’t want to do anything stupid or irreversible, but I can’t live with this madness taking over me.
It goes straight to his voicemail. I hang up and try again, and I get his voicemail again.
Glancing across the street, Josie opens the door and rests a chair against it to keep it from slamming shut. One little drink won’t hurt, even if it takes the edge off, it will be a blessing.
Screw it, I throw my phone in my purse and climb out the car, dumping my keys in my purse with the phone.
I wait for the approaching truck to pass before crossing the street and I smile when the familiar scent of alcohol, cigarettes, and
desperation hits me walking through the door.
“Hey, Harper. Long time no see,” Josie hollers, grinning from ear to ear.
She has no idea what happened, what I had to do, one drink here and I know I’ll feel better.
“I’ll have a vodka, double, no ice.”
“You’re starting early,” she points out, grabbing a glass from beneath the bar.
“Making up for lost time,” I say, offering her my best just-pour-me-a-drink smile.
I look around while she pours my drink and I’m the first one in by the looks of it.
“I hear you’re living in town now with a husband as well. A lot has changed since you were last in here.”
“Nope, I live in a house that my husband pays the rent on. I think he forgot he lives there too.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
I bark out a laugh as she slides my drink across the bar. I scoop it up and throw it back in two gulps. I cringe at the burning taste and blow out a harsh breath. I tip my glass and she takes the hint.
Fuck having one drink. JJ’s off doing whatever the hell he’s doing and I’m fixing myself. I tried sticking to the medication and clean living, but what was it all for? To be clear headed and see and feel every scrap of pain coming my way, no fucking thanks. I’ll be sure to feel like death once I’m done but somewhere in the bottle of vodka Josie is pouring from, is my peace, if only for a short time.
JJ
I slide the door shut to the Old Mill and lock that shit up tight. Turning toward Tal, I hand him the key and take out my smokes. Lighting up, I exhale heavily and roll my neck to relieve the fatigue. It’s been a long fucking day and I’m hungry. Between the prospect and me, we rounded up four Crow fuckers and hauled their asses out here to the middle nowhere.
“Check on them at first light, keep them watered and be back at the club before anyone notices you’re gone,” I instruct him, via Cas’s order.
“Will do.”
I head for my bike and Tal jumps in the van and starts the engine. He makes a right and I turn left, heading into town. I grin when I clock the twins riding up behind me. I slow as they speed up and overtake me, hollering as they pass.
They veer off to the diner as we approach town and I follow. As soon as I cut the engine, my phone is burning up in my pocket. Cas’s name flashes across my screen and I hit answer. He was going to see Harper today. He’s been trying with her, but she hasn’t been so keen and it’s driving him crazy.
“What’s up, Cas?”
“What’s going on with Harper?”
He sounds tired and pissed off, come to think of it, how he usually sounds. I’m surprised he doesn’t ask after the four captured Crows we got today.
“Nothing, why? Weren’t you with her today?”
My shoulders tense and I expect to hear the worst.
“I went over, and she was on her way out to a doctor’s appointment. Don’t you go to those things with her?”
Huh? She didn’t have an appointment today, she missed one last week and they wanted to reschedule but Harper told them she’d call them back and as far as I know, she hasn’t.
“Dex and one of the prospects were passing through town and they said they saw her car parked up across the street from Josies’. You nearby?”
Fuck sake. Sighing, I say, “Yeah, I’m close. I’ll check up on her.”
“I’ve tried calling but she must have her cell off.”
“I’ll let you know.”
I hang up and I try her for myself. I get her voicemail and slide my phone in my pocket.
“I’m out of here, apparently Harper is over at Josies’. I’ll catch you two later.”
Only, they tag along and follow me up the street. Josie’s bar isn’t far from the diner and we leave our bikes parked where they are. I spot her car and walk across the parking lot and squint my eyes as I step into the dark bar. It takes a beat for my eyes to adjust and when they do, Harper is in her own world, dancing in the middle of the dancefloor with her arms in the air, her hips swaying to the music and her eyes closed.
It takes me back to the night I came here looking for her when her and her mom rocked up in town. I saw her dancing and wanted her something bad. I stop by the bar and Josie is quick to hand over Harper’s purse.
“She’s been here since noon and she’s so out of it, she hasn’t noticed I’ve been serving her water instead of vodka.” She moves further up the bar and the twins order a beer.
As if my wife can sense me, her eyes open and they land on me. I was ready to fight with her being here. My old lady and alcohol don’t mix well. But, as I take in the pain under the vodka glaze, I lose the will to fight her and walk over, clutching her purse in my hand.
“What are you doing here, babe?” I ask, watching her go still and then sway on her feet.
“It’s your fault, I tried calling but you didn’t answer.”
I haven’t had any missed calls. She spins on her heels and before she makes a full rotation, she’s falling on her ass and laughing, finding it funny that she’s on the dirty fucking floor.
“Fucking hell.”
Sliding her purse over my wrist like I’m some bitch, I scoop my wife up and juggle her in my arms until I’ve got a good hold on her.
“Sweet dreams, Harper,” the twins sarcastically mutter simultaneously as I pass them, and I don’t bother looking back as I walk outside. She didn’t bother locking her car, apparently, we’re made of money to replace it if it got jacked. I make quick work of getting her comfortable on the back seat and she’s asleep before I close the door. Thank fuck her keys are in her purse, she seems to have all her shit in there, and I dump it on the passenger seat as I sit behind the wheel.
Her soft snores fill the silence. I tweak the rear-view mirror and see she’s out cold. The drive home isn’t long, and I swing her car onto the drive. Thankfully she weighs next to nothing and I carry her inside and up to our room. She stirs when I tuck her in our bed.
“You’re going back to the club now, aren’t you? Now you’ve brought me home, you’re going to leave again. Who she is? Who’s the skank you’re replacing me with?”
This is new and she’s pissing me off, but at least she’s saying something. I keep my mouth shut and go fetch her a glass of water. She hasn’t wanted to talk about her time with Ellis. She hasn’t wanted to be around me. This is the first time in three weeks she has even left the house.
I pour her water and pick her up two painkillers on my way up the stairs. I hear her cries before I enter the room and she’s curled up in a ball. I place the glass of water and pills on the nightstand and kneel by the bed, pulling the sheets higher up to her neck. I didn’t see it when I walked in, but she’s shivering.
When she’s like this, it fucking hurts to see, but her accusations sting like a bitch.
“I’m pissed you think I’d betray you when you’re my whole fucking world.”
Her eyes flitter open and her lashes stick together from the wetness of her tears.
“I’m evil,” she whimpers.
“No, you’re not.”
I run my fingers through her hair as more tears fall from her eyes.
“I am, India is dead because of me.”
“She’s dead because of Ellis, not you.”
And I’m getting sick of telling her this. It doesn’t matter what I say, it doesn’t get through to her.
“I chose her, that’s why you don’t come home, isn’t it? You can’t stand to look at me now.”
The pain in her is raw and I feel it seeping into every pore of my body. I climb onto the bed and reposition her so she’s half sitting-half lying between my legs and I wrap my arms around her and hold her the tightest I’ve ever held her. I need her to feel I’m here for her.
Her shivers gradually subside, and I wait until her breathing is slow and steady before I speak.
“I haven’t been home much because I’ve been playing my part, keeping my ear to the ground to make sure no questions a
re raised over Cas taking Ellis’s kill from the club.”
I curl my fingers around her arm and begin to kneed my way up to her shoulder. I should tell her the truth, but one more secret might tip her over the edge.
“I was raised with India, there are photos of me when I was knee high holding her the day Slade and Kristen brought her home from the hospital. It guts me that she’s gone, but when I killed Ellis, it wasn’t for her, it was for you. I can look at you knowing the truth because I would’ve chosen Leo over her too, even knowing the repercussions it would bring and the pain it would cause.”
“But-”
“There are no buts, women aren’t supposed to be brought into club business, but Leo is my brother, I would’ve saved him.”
“It’s different, she was my blood,” she argues.
“Leo is your blood,” I point out.
She stays quiet and I continue to rub her shoulder. The smell of vodka is strong on her breath and she’s going to feel the hangover in the morning.
“Has anyone said anything?” she finally asks and adjusts herself so she is looking up at me.
“Not about you, but the club is heavy with suspicion and brothers are losing trust in everyone.”
“Have you seen…Leo, lately?”
I shake my head and know I’m a prick. Cas has told everyone to give him space and I felt relieved because it meant I didn’t have to face him, even though it’s now he needs me the most. “He’s out at the cabin with the kid.”
A fresh wave of tears fall, and I sigh, regretting mentioning the baby.
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose my mind, I’m fucking terrified I already have and haven’t noticed yet.”
She shuffles over my leg and scoots down under the sheets on her side of the bed. I kick my boots off and slip out of my jeans. The smell of our sheets has become my new favourite scent. They smell of Harper and summer mixed together. I know my wife, even if she thinks I don’t sometimes.
“Maybe you will and maybe you won’t, but one thing I can promise you is I will be here either way. From now on, I’ll be here. I’m going nowhere.”
His One Choice Page 2