And that’s what scares me the most. I’ve never had so much to lose before and if I couldn’t cope with the loneliness before, how will I this time around?
“Who do you think you’re going to lose? Not JJ, not me…”
“I know how your club works, and I know how family is supposed to be. I’m your child from a meaningless one-night stand, Alannah has no loyalty to me, she’ll be with Leo and Luca so a family here with you seems highly unlikely in reality. Then there’s my uncle, the only man who stayed consistently stable in my life. Zach, Aunt Kris, I have everything to lose and it petrifies me to be alone again.”
For a brief moment, ever so fucking brief, the weight of India dying lifts from my chest and I can breathe as I unload my darkest thoughts to Cas, but then it slams back down and I gasp for short breaths of air, anything I can get.
His arms wrap around me and his hand splays out over the top of my head. His thumb strokes short strikes down my hair but it doesn’t help. I’m too lost in the moment to cherish the fatherly action.
“It’s okay, I promise you. I got you, I got you now.”
My lungs open and being in his arms, the weight isn’t so suffocating.
“Trust me, Harper. Please, trust me,” he whispers, and I settle. I’m thankful when he doesn’t let me go for a couple of minutes and I realise this is my first cuddle with my dad.
Pulling back, I swipe at my eyes with my sleeve and dry my cheeks.
“I promise you; I’m not going to let your life fall apart. I only just got you back, my family is the most important part of me, and I will fight to the death for all of you. Trust that.”
I want it so much it hurts more than my heart for India. The door opens and Alannah stops short when she sees us sitting here.
“Oh, I didn’t realise you were down yet. I’ll leave you to talk.”
“No, it’s fine. Is that breakfast I smell?”
“More like brunch, but yeah, it’s food you smell.”
He stands from the table and I rise from the chair. I dab my eyes and plaster on a smile.
“Are you okay, Harper?” she asks, with genuine concern and I want to cry again.
It might be genuine for now, but how long will it last when the truth comes out and she sides with her son? When the stack of cards fall, I know they will fall on the opposite side to me and it’s going to sting like a bitch, no matter how much Cas tells me it won’t.
“I’m good, just hungry,” I lie, to move on from her scrutiny.
“Follow me then.”
Cas waits for me to walk out and follows behind, taking the seat at the head of the table. JJ is already sat with a plate of sausage and bacon and I wonder where he puts it all. Alannah pulls out a chair for me next to Cas and she takes her seat on his other side. Again, she pulls all the right moves convincing me she’s fine having me around, but the little voice in the back of my mind is screaming at me it won’t be for long.
The food is nice and homely, and I feel everyone’s eyes on me as I eat. I don’t taste anything; I robotically chew and swallow.
Luca struts into the room and sits at the other end of the table. He loads his plate with bacon and offers me a weak smile before digging into his food.
“How nice is this, if only Leo and the baby were here. The family would be together.”
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, I glance up and her smile is tight. Is she for real? Cas sighs and JJ narrows his eyes. Luca pays no attention.
Alannah turns to my husband and her smile is a lot more relaxed.
“I’m taking some groceries over to Leo, you should come with me. Harper can spend time with Cas.”
She isn’t asking him and when he nods, my hearts sinks deeper into my chest. JJ looks to me, waiting to see my reaction. Spending time with Cas will be good for us. I smile, letting him know I’m good with him going to see Leo and a part of me hopes he spills his guts, tells him everything. At least then we wouldn’t be holding secrets that are tearing me apart.
JJ
It didn’t feel right leaving Harper to go check on Leo. I wasn’t going to leave her until she promised me she’d be okay and ushered me out the door. With the amount of groceries Alannah has picked up for Leo, I’m guessing he hasn’t been leaving the cabin and he doesn’t intend to anytime in the near future.
“You need to watch her.” Are the first words from Alannah during the drive.
Her voice softly breaks the silence we’ve been sitting in and I sigh. I squeeze my thigh where my hand has been resting and I continue to stare out the window.
“I hear you, and I am.”
“Are you hearing me, JJ? Because she’s your wife and I’m not questioning the love you have for her but being too close can blind you to the bigger picture. What Cas did for her wasn’t all right, but it wasn’t all wrong.” She changes gear and speeds up, her knuckles turning white as she grips the gear stick.
“Just say what you want to say, Lana.”
She softens her foot on the gas and slows as she side glances at me, taking in my guarded look.
“Cas has led the club for many years being able to separate blood from patch. Leo and Luca grew up in the club, they know what’s expected and the limitations. Cas has always been a president and a father and kept the two separate. Him making the call to take Ellis out without the club behind him, for the sake of Harper, it’s going to blow back and when that day comes, we all need to be ready for the repercussions.”
“Do you think he was wrong to protect her?”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Alannah is all for family.
“Not for protecting her, but the way he went about it was the wrong decision and I’m scared it’s one he won’t be able to come back from.”
She’s serious, there’s no trace on her that doesn’t have me believing her doom and gloom prophecy.
“If no one talks, no storm will come,” I offer but it still doesn’t seem to be enough to placate her.
“And do you believe she can live with this? She’s already talking, we heard her from the kitchen. Guilt is a heavy, crippling burden to hold and while she’s survived so much in her life, can you honestly tell me she can get past this.”
My mouth opens but nothing comes out. Alannah is right, Harper has been through so much but she’s stronger than anyone gives her credit for. She isn’t from our world, but I think she’s adapting pretty fucking well considering what’s been thrown at her.
“You’re talking like you have a backup plan.”
“Not as such, but we will all have our sides to be loyal to, and with what Cas did, the patch will be the one that’s tested the most. You are her husband but you’re also a brother. Cas is her father, but he is the president, many men follow him, look up to him, and then there’s Leo. He’s hurting something bad, India was his old lady, he’s a brother and Harper’s his sister. This tangle of lies involves everyone and not one person will walk away unscathed.”
Silence hangs between us while I think it over. I’ve never given much thought to the decisions Cas has to make as the president but now I’m thinking about it, there are always going to be choices made which not everyone agrees with.
“I understand what you’re saying, I really do, and if or when that day comes, I’ll be loyal to my wife and to my patch. She deserved Cas fighting her corner, fuck knows she’s waited long enough to have people have her back. If protecting family is what breaks the club, then what is the club for in the first place?”
Now it’s her turn to open her mouth while nothing comes out.
“I didn’t trust Cas to find her and I was wrong. I won’t ever walk away from him or Harper.”
“I’m not saying to walk away from her, I’m just saying, if anyone is going to break and the truth comes out, because let’s face it, it always does. She will be the one to break.”
Her insistence is starting to grate on me, and I wish I could smoke in her car.
“And I’m going to make sure
she doesn’t.”
“How?”
Thankfully the cabin comes into view. I don’t answer because truthfully, I have no idea. All I know for sure is my wife won’t ever spend another day without me at her side.
Leo is working on his bike out front and his head pops up when he hears us approaching. Even from this distance he looks like shit.
“I should warn you he hasn’t spoken much over the last three weeks.”
Again, I don’t answer her and climb out when the car comes to a stop. I leave Alannah with her groceries and walk over to my brother. His beard is longer and wildly unkept. His hair is tied back but it doesn’t look like he’s put a comb through it for days and the shadows under his eyes are dark and heavy.
He stands and drops the wrench in the toolbox he’s dragged out here and picks up the rag to wipe his hands.
I pull out my smokes and light one, passing it over to him. He accepts and puffs hard until half the cigarette has burned down.
I light my own and finally say, “I should have come out here sooner, brother.”
Shrugging his shoulders, his lips stay firmly closed as he turns his attention to his bike. It’s looking much better than the last time I saw it, and so is his face. The bruising has near enough faded, and his busted lips has healed.
“How are you doing out here on your own?”
“I’m not on my own, I have my daughter and we’re doing just fine.”
His voice is scratchy and broken. He doesn’t sound like my brother at all. He’s lost the shine that used to bounce off him, he’s nothing but a shell.
“You know what I meant, brother.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Brother me.”
“You are my brother; nothing will ever change that.”
He finally graces me by looking my way and the blankness hits me harder than I ever imagined it would.
“Really? Because I’ve been thinking and nothing about that night makes sense. Harper wouldn’t come home, kept repeating she was sorry and then the same night my dad decides to take that cunt out, is the night she calls you up to bring her home.” He takes another long pull on his cigarette and tilts his head upwards as he exhales the smoke.
“So?”
“So, like I said, it doesn’t make sense.”
“Nothing about what’s happened makes sense, that’s why no one can wrap their heads around it.”
He finishes his smoke and flicks the butt across the gravel drive. He takes a step towards me and then another.
We’ve always been the same size, yet as he stands face to face with me, it’s like he towers above me.
“We’ve known each other our whole lives, know everything there is to know, fuck, most of the time we can guess what the other is thinking, what are you hiding from me?”
My blood rushes around my body at a million miles an hour and Alannah’s words in the car haunt me.
“Come on, brother, you’ve had my back since day one, yet I lose my old lady and you don’t show your face in a month. What gives?”
“Harper…”
“I’m not talking about Harper now; I’m talking about you. Why haven’t you shown your face around here?” Stepping back, I open the space between us and hang my head.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have any excuses. I should have been here for you.”
“Something happened and it might not be today or tomorrow, but I will find out one day, I hope I don’t lose anyone else important to me.”
After casting out his warning, he steps back and returns to working on his bike, but I can’t move. The weight of secrecy is pushing down on me, if it were any other fucker before me, it wouldn’t be this way. But it’s Leo. I have a lot of people who have my back, but he’s the one who would jump in front of me before I even knew a bullet was coming.
I was more than happy to have my wife back, I didn’t care what the circumstances were at the time, it’s not until seeing him today that it feels wrong. I have Ellis’s blood on my hands when they should have been on Leo’s.
“Leo, I’ve put the shopping away and cleaned up a bit. What do you need me to do today?”
Alannah stands on the porch, her hands on her hips as she awaits directions. Leo doesn’t acknowledge her.
Over his shoulder, he remarks, “Nothing. Take JJ home, his old lady needs him.”
And like that, I’ve been dismissed, and it doesn’t feel great.
“Are you sure?” she calls out.
His eyes cut to mine and holds steady.
“More than.”
Loyalties are already being tested, just like Alannah warned and I’m not siding with anyone.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, whether you want me here or not,” I vow.
He doesn’t reply and I turn and head for the car. Alannah calls out her goodbyes as she digs out her keys and he doesn’t reply to her either.
One we’re both in the car and he can’t hear us, she turns to me and frost creeps over her.
“So what now? You’re going to show up here and play brother when you know the truth he needs could come from you?”
I don’t say a word; I don’t have the first idea what I’m going to do. Only, he’s my brother and I’m not going to let him hermit his life away out here on his own.
We drive the rest of the way in silence and I barely look her way. This is fucking bullshit and I grind my teeth together to stop myself from blurting out shit I may or might not regret saying later.
Harper
My favourite place to be is on the back of JJ’s bike while he rides too fast and I cling to him. All my favourite places to be are with him. After spending the afternoon with Cas, my fears have been placated enough to breathe without any chest pains and my mind going to dark places. The moon is full, and the sky is scattered with stars. There’s always a sky full of stars out here to feast upon, to wish on when they shoot across the vast darkness clouding over us.
JJ rests his hand over my clasped ones as he rides one-handed and all the bad haunting me doesn’t seem so scary. I wasn’t lying when I said I needed him, I need him like the earth needs the sun and the moon.
Life is still confusing and painful, but when we’re like this, there is light in the near distance. To be without him now would be to live in permanent darkness. It would be unbearable.
I know he’s still waiting on me to talk about the night with Ellis, and after unloading to Cas today, I’m ready to talk when we get home. The club comes into view and I’m glad we’re passing through. There are far too many people I don’t want to see who could possibly be inside and ruin my good mood. The fallout from Ellis’s night of terror is still fresh and I can’t face my uncle yet. There’s no way I would be able to keep the lies from him standing face to face with me.
Yet, just when I think my husband is finally listening to me and what I need, he slows and rides through the gates.
His hand slips from mine as he stops his bike and shuts off the engine. I’m not sure if the silence that descends between us is him being afraid to turn and face me or if it’s down to the rising anger bubbling inside me and I can’t hear him.
“Take me home, Jay.”
They are the only words I can spit from my mouth without losing my head.
“I promise, I won’t leave your side, but you need to go in there. Brothers will start getting suspicious if you stay away.”
“They’ll get suspicious when I scream bloody murder and they wonder what the hell is going on when I can’t control what comes out of my mouth.”
I go on the attack, but it does nothing to sway him from changing his mind. He climbs off his bike and I stay where I am. He reaches over and collects my left hand in his and lifts it to his mouth. He places a soft kiss on my fourth finger, just above my wedding band.
“This ring should tell you more than I ever could say to you. But if you need reminding, I’ll repeat myself. It’s you and me in everything, I’m here at your side. My
life at the club isn’t going to change. The patch, the brothers, they’re always going to be a part of me, and you knew this when we got together. But you’re my life too and that isn’t going to change either.”
“So, what you’re saying is, I have to change?”
As if it’s that easy?
“I’m not saying that at all, babe. I guess what I’m trying to say-”
“Don’t you dare tell me I have to get over this,” I spit out. I’ve had enough of hearing those words aimed at me.
“I wasn’t going to, but you have to push on. Not going to the club isn’t going to change anything. Do you honestly see yourself staying away forever?”
I haven’t given it much thought, I just haven’t thought about coming to the club at all.
“I have no idea; I can’t think past the next hour. Please, I want to go home.”
“Give me half an hour…”
I don’t get the chance to shut him down, Zachery walks out the bar with his new girlfriend and spots us. He takes the blunt from behind his ear and lights up with one hand while his other arm is slung around Nina’s shoulders. She’s pretty in a homely, good-girl way. If I ever gave much thought to who Zachery would end up with, it would be someone who looks like her, with her kind eyes, and her perfect body shape. I don’t know what to make of her herself yet, I don’t really know her. I remember catching sight of her the night with Ellis and she masked the terror I felt inside.
“Harper, where have you been?” he asks, the closer they get to us.
“Play nice and it’ll be over before you know it,” JJ murmurs under his breath and I slide off the bike.
Again, I plaster a smile across my face and remember to breathe. When they reach us, he surprises me by pulling me in for a hug.
“I’ve been thinking about you, JJ said you weren’t up for visitors, said you needed time to process.”
At least I’m grateful for one thing about my husband right now. I wonder what else he’s been saying to keep people away.
His One Choice Page 4