9781789543087 If I Can't Have You

by Federica Bosco

  ‘Yes. Or I’d like to be, but someone doesn’t agree.’

  ‘You mean your mother?’

  ‘No, York. He can’t stand ballet!’

  He smiled and sat down at the table in front of me.

  ‘I know you won’t believe me, but I do understand how you feel. When you’re an adult the choices you make end up affecting everyone around you, especially your kids. I have two daughters at home who are almost your age and who now hate me, do you think I’m happy about that? Are you happy about all the boxes in your shed? Of course not, but right now there’s just no other choice.’

  He took a sip and went on. ‘We’re not infallible. Maybe we even get it wrong more than we get it right, but we’re only ever trying to do what’s best for you.’

  ‘This is not what makes me happy. I’m being forced into a future that will make me miserable!’

  ‘I understand that, but...’

  ‘Do you? Do you understand? Because I keep hearing people say they understand, but you all just go ahead and do things your way in the end!’

  ‘It’s not like your Mum enjoys not being able to do what you want, it’s just that at the moment there is no other alternative. Maybe in a few years circumstances will change.’

  ‘No, Paul, you don’t get it! This isn’t like becoming a cook or a writer, this is now or never! A dancer only has a limited number of years to exploit. Now my body is growing and can still change and improve, but in a few years it will be too late and I will lose my chance forever!’ My voice broke.

  Paul looked bewildered. ‘I didn’t realise it was so . intense,’ he said, handing me a tissue, ‘I thought a year here or there wouldn’t make that big a difference.’

  I blew my nose. ‘It makes a huge difference, maybe the difference between success and failure, and Claire will have told Mum that!’

  ‘I know you’re suffering because of this, and believe me, we talk about it every night, but whatever we do, the problem remains: its too much money!’

  ‘Paul,’ I said suddenly, ‘If it was your daughter asking you what would you do?

  He swallowed. ‘Luckily neither of my girls knows how to dance’ he answered, shrugging his shoulders. ‘Amy plays the piano though.’

  ‘Well then! Imagine that Amy really wanted to go to the best music school in London, and everyone told her she was really good, but her mother objected. Wouldn’t you find a way to do the impossible to help her?’

  I saw the friendly giant falter. ‘I really don’t know what I’d do.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it kill you to know that Amy, your daughter, is miserable, is crying herself to sleep at night because she can see her dream fading before her eyes? Isn’t it bad enough that her parents split up and...maybe your wife is saying bad things to her about you?’

  I knew it was a shitty thing to do to him, but I was desperate.

  ‘You made your choice and left, but what about them? Your little girls? What will happen to them? Look at me Paul, I could be your daughter and all I’m asking is to study dance at the best school in the world, is that so wrong?’

  ‘No,’ he said, his voice croaky, ‘I wish there was a solution.’

  ‘There is, Paul! The solution is my grandmother Olga, she can solve everything!’ I concluded triumphantly.

  He looked at me for a moment.

  ‘Mia …’ he said, clearing his throat, ‘I know you think I’m just a big hairy oaf, but don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been trying to corrupt me ever since you came in!’

  I felt kind of relieved. Using his daughters as ammunition hadn’t been one of my prouder moments. ‘Okay, I guess you’re too smart for me!’ I said, aiming a playful punch at one of his massive shoulders.

  ‘Come on, I promise I’ll try talking to her again, alright? I can’t guarantee anything, but there’s no harm in trying.’

  Just then Mum came back in. She seemed to notice our conspiratorial air, but decided to ignore us.

  ‘What did Claire say?’ I couldn’t wait any longer.

  ‘That you are very good, that you would be a wasted talent and that they have scheduled your audition,’ she answered, taking the plates.

  ‘And aren’t you happy for me?’ I asked, irritated.

  ‘Of course I am, but all this makes me feel like the world’s worst mother! What do you want me to do, take everything down to the pawn shop tomorrow and then rob a petrol station?’

  I looked at Paul, hoping he would say something, but he was no use.

  ‘You know what Mum? There’s a reason you feel like that. Because you really are the world’s worst mother!’

  And I went out and slammed the door.

  I went to my room to cool down. If this had happened to Nina, her parents would never have got in the way of her dreams. What I wanted more than anything was to call Patrick again, but it would be too much. I had no other ready excuses. Studying was out of the question. I could hardly concentrate at the best of times, and with everything that was happening at the moment, it would be simply impossible.

  Maybe I could send him a quick message. Just to say hello.

  I needed something upbeat and positive to get his attention. I concentrated, with my heart in my throat, trying to think up the perfect message to send to him. It should be pleasant but not over the top, not too long, and above all worthy of response. I composed and deleted message after message, but everything I wrote seemed stupid and unnatural. And finally I realised that all I could do was be myself:

  ‘I’m pissed off, Pat. Mum can’t send me to the Royal Ballet School and I feel small and powerless.’

  Then I threw the phone on the bed and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came back to my room the phone was ringing one last time. Cursing myself, I scrambled to pick it up and selected the lost call.

  It was him.

  Patrick!

  He was offering me a shoulder to cry on, and I had gone off to brush my teeth! I needed to rethink my strategy! Still, at least now I had a good excuse to call him back…

  I felt chills from head to toe and those same butterflies in my stomach that I only ever felt when I thought of him.

  ‘Hi Pat, sorry I missed your call…’

  ‘Are you alright Sulks? I never heard you so angry! What have they done?’

  Sulks. We had taken a step back.

  ‘Mum can’t afford to send me to the Royal Ballet School and I don’t know what I’m going to do, that’s all.’

  ‘Have you tried everything?’

  ‘Everything legal, yes.’

  ‘Do you want me to ask my Mum to talk to her?’

  ‘No, everyone has already tried talking to her, it just makes her nervous.’

  ‘There is always a solution Mia, remember that. Whatever happens always look for a plan B.’

  Pat was very practical. He never wasted time complaining. If there was a problem he immediately started looking for a solution. I could see why he had chosen a military career. He had a knack for inspiring people and making everyone feel important, without ever taking credit for his achievements.

  ‘There is no plan B, I’ve tried everything!’

  ‘Have you talked to your father? He lives in London, have you suggested staying with him? What about a scholarship?’

  ‘There’s no room for me at Dad’s and the scholarship wouldn’t cover living expenses.’

  ‘Mia, don’t be discouraged!’ he urged me. ‘I know it seems bad now, but don’t give up, do you understand? Never give up. I’ll think of something, I promise, but I don’t want you to get depressed, okay?’

  It seemed like he was holding my face in his hands and looking straight into my eyes as he spoke, and I missed him in an indescribable way. I missed everything about him so much I thought I would go crazy. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to be with him.

  And I burst into tears. Like an idiot.

  ‘It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,’ he said softly, as though caressing my head.
/>   ‘Sorry Pat, I’m being stupid. A stupid kid.’

  ‘Mia, you’re just tired and your nerves are broken, that’s all. But it’s going to be alright. I’m here, I’m here, okay? ‘

  I nodded silently.

  ‘Do you hear Mia?’ I’m here for you.’

  Not only had I heard it, but I had already written it in my notebook.

  It was so much more than I had ever dreamed of hearing and it was also everything I had ever wanted to hear.

  And for that evening, my future could wait.

  11

  Nina sat down at her desk and looked over at me hesitantly. It was as if she was dying to tell me something but didn’t know where to start. Had she found out I’d been talking to Patrick? Should I tell her?

  I decided against it. After all, I wasn’t obliged to tell her everything.

  ‘Mia,’ she began, ‘There’s something I have to tell you.’

  ‘Go on.’ I answered, trying to hide my anxiety.

  ‘So.you know Carl?’

  Oh, that. I knew that was coming, but I wanted to hear her say it.

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Well, we - me and Carl - we sort of got together,’ she said, barely audibly.

  My stomach tightened into a knot. I wanted to say something appropriate, be happy, or enthusiastic, or at least understanding, but instead a kind of strangled sound came out.

  Then to compensate, I blurted out in one breath, ‘Oh wow! That’s awesome, Nina! Yay!’

  ‘Don’t pretend, you’re not happy!’ she replied, slumping back against her chair.

  ‘Yes, I am!’ I threw my arms around her. ‘It’s true that it’s a bit weird, but I’m really happy for you. He’s a great guy.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ she mumbled, her head against my shoulder.

  ‘I’m positive. Like I said before, it could never have worked between us.’

  ‘So I have your blessing?’

  ‘Of course you have my blessing!’

  ‘You promise?’

  ‘I promise.’

  Then the teacher walked into the room and we had to stop talking. The subject was French, which I didn’t mind too much because I could at least learn how to pronounce my dance steps. The time passed quickly, mainly because I spent the entire time reliving those magic words spoken by Patrick: ‘I’m here.’ He had spoken them with such intensity and passion that they still made my soul vibrate. I hoped Nina would feel the same way about Carl, and most importantly, that he would reciprocate her.

  After school, we had Mamma Mia! rehearsals waiting for us in the gym and, as promised, I had to teach Alex how to dance. I have rarely seen anyone so clumsy. He was like a puppet: his right side and his left side weren’t coordinated at all and even when he walked he tended to swing to one side. This was going to be way harder than I had expected. I had more chance of winning the Nobel Prize for mathematics than he had of mastering those steps.

  On the other side of the gym, Carl and Nina were frolicking brazenly. No one could accuse them of not getting into their roles, but all this lovey dovey stuff was starting to get on my nerves. Plus, it hadn’t escaped my attention that every time I looked over at them, Carl was already looking in my direction.

  Alex was trying his best, but he kept making mistakes, which made him nervous, and then seeing how nervous he was made me feel nervous too. In the end I decided to take him away from the gym, so he could concentrate on his steps without worrying about who was watching.

  We left the gym and headed for the park. It was a particularly bleak and gloomy autumn. The branches of the trees loomed solemnly over our heads like bony arms and a vast ochre carpet of dry leaves whispered under our feet as we walked.

  We sat down on the swings.

  ‘I’m useless! The worst dancer in the whole school!’ he said, scuffing angrily at the tarmac with his shoe.

  ‘Alex, there is an old African proverb that says, ‘If you can talk, you can sing, if you can walk you can dance.’

  ‘I’m not entirely sure I can walk’

  ‘I’ll be honest, I’ve seen better, but we can work on it.’ I said, trying to convince myself too.

  ‘I hate being bad at things! I’ve never had to worry about schoolwork, it just comes so easily. But with dancing...I really am the worst of the worst!’

  ‘Yeah, but if you were best at maths and dancing everyone would hate you!’ I said, swinging back and forth

  ‘How do you learn to dance so well Mia?’

  ‘By being shit at maths!’

  He smiled

  ‘The problem with you is that you think about it too much,’ I said, ‘You’re there counting steps instead of letting yourself go and allowing the music to guide you.’

  ‘It sounds easy when you say it like that…’

  ‘It is easy, maybe that’s why you can’t do it! You’re the sort of person who loves complicated things, where you need to think and calculate and find solutions, but here there’s nothing to solve, that’s why you get stuck!’

  I slowed down and jumped off the swing.

  ‘Get up!’ I ordered him.

  We stood facing each other and I took his hands.

  ‘Now, close your eyes and take a deep breath... and another... and another...’

  When he was relaxed I started singing ‘If you change your mind. I’m the first in line.’

  He smiled and turned red. ‘Come on Mia, it’s embarrassing!’

  ‘I am your teacher and I order you not to be embarrassed! Come on, from the beginning, sing it with me’

  ‘If you change your mind. I’m the first in line.’

  ‘Honey I’m still free …’

  ‘Take a chance on me.’

  I began to guide him through the steps.

  ‘If you need me let me know.’

  ‘Gonna be around …’

  He was moving! Like a trained bear, but he was moving, without thinking and without looking at his feet.

  ‘If you’ve got no place to go.’

  ‘If you’re feeling down.’

  ‘Mia, I’m dancing.’

  ‘Alex, you’re dancing great!’

  ‘If you’re all alone...’

  ‘When the pretty birds have flown …’

  ‘Honey I’m still free.’

  ‘Take a chance on me.’

  ‘Very good!’

  I threw my arms around his neck, he lifted me like a feather and spun me around, continuing to sing.

  ‘I do my best and it ain’t no lie.’

  ‘If you put me to the test, if you let me try!’

  ‘Do you see how easy it is?’

  ‘Mia Foster, you’re a fucking genius!’

  ‘Wait until you’re trying to explain equations to me for the millionth time!’

  ‘I can have you doing equations within a month. If I fail I’ll do that solo for you! ‘

  ‘And wear my pink tutu!’

  ‘It’ll go great with my hair.’

  We headed back to the gym, Alex with a much more confident air than when we had left. He walked in with his head held high and went to join the other dancers in his group so they could try the number all together, and I sat down with Nina and Carl to watch them. Alex was like a different person. He had lost his fear. If he made a mistake, he just started singing along at the top of his lungs until he got back into it. He was having fun and it was great to see.

  Nina turned to me in amazement, ‘What did you do?’

  I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to look smug.

  ‘She’s given him false hopes!’ Carl whispered wickedly.

  If the rehearsals at school had gone better than expected, my rehearsals with Claire were a total disaster. She was in a filthy mood because of how things had gone with Mum and everything just went downhill from there. The fact that I had agreed to dance the solo at school, taking up precious audition rehearsal time, did nothing to improve her mood.

  As I warmed up at the bar, she scolded m
e for being superficial and said that my mother and I seemed to think she had time to waste.

  ‘Do you think I enjoy spending hours and hours teaching you? If you want to spend your time messing about this is not the place for you. This is real work, not prancing about to Abba! If you think you are so far ahead that you can afford the luxury of sacrificing hours of practise for something like that, go ahead, but don’t come crying to me when you’re not up to scratch!’

  I tried to ignore her, but her attitude put me on edge, as if this were my fault, as if I didn’t want it enough. If I had chained myself in front of the Royal Ballet would anything have changed?

  It was when she whacked my aching calf during a grand battement that I finally lost my patience.

  ‘Stop it, Claire!’ I snapped.

  She looked at me in surprise. It was the first time I had rebelled in class.

  ‘I’ve been through hell since Mum said I couldn’t go to dance school. I’ve done nothing but try and find anyone who might somehow be able to help me, and instead of being on my side, you’re blaming me! Do you really believe that I don’t want this? That I don’t cry myself to sleep at night because I can’t find a solution? What are you trying to say? That I’m not committed because the headmistress of my school has told me I have to do a three-minute piece for the school play? Who the hell do you think you are? You think you’re La Pavlova just because you danced once in New York before the war? You’re nothing but a…’

  I didn’t mean to say it, I swear I didn’t, but I was so hurt and angry that I forgot myself, and out came that hateful seven-letter word.

  Failure. The silence that followed the echo of the word was the coldest thing imaginable. I turned and ran to get my stuff from the corner on the floor and left the room without daring to look back, filled with shame at having said something so ugly and cruel. Something that I could never take back.

  I passed young Chester on my way out.

  ‘Little shit!’ I growled through clenched teeth, barging my way out through the weighted doors, shoulder-first.

  There was yet more drama waiting for me at home. This was becoming too much. I began to long for the apathy of my father. This time the protagonists were Mum and Paul, and yet again, the source of the trouble was me. It seemed that Paul had tried to stick up for me, and Mum had not taken it well.