The Story of My Face

by Leanne Baugh

  The dress is sleeveless with a high neck. Tasteful black lace covers the bodice. Definitely a cool vintage look about it.

  “It’s beautiful, Gramz.” I run my fingers over the soft fabric.

  “Try it on.” She unzips it.

  I take off my T-shirt and hiking shorts and slip the dress over my head. I stand in front of the mirror. The dress is a bit big, but it still looks good on me. Really good. Brings out the blue-green of my eyes and looks great with my auburn hair.

  “I thought you might want it. In case you haven’t bought your graduation dress yet,” Gramz says.

  “You’ve been talking to Dad, haven’t you?”

  “Yes, and I agree with him. There is no reason you shouldn’t go to your graduation.”

  “I can think of a few reasons.”

  Gramz stands behind me looking in the mirror. “See? Not too short and not too long. Just the right length to show off those fancy black high-heeled sandals you bought last year.” She takes some pins from the top of her dresser and pulls at the slack fabric. “Just needs a bit of nip and tuck. Won’t take me a minute to sew it up for you.” She pins the fabric around both sides of the waistband.

  “I don’t even have a date for grad.”

  “So? Just go and have a good time with your friends. If I remember correctly, at Jeannie’s graduation, she ended up dancing most of the night with a guy who wasn’t even her date.”

  “Scandalous,” I say and take another long look at myself in the mirror.

  MOUNTAIN LOVE

  When I drive up to the house, I see an SUV parked in front. It’s nice and dirty, like it’s been on a back road somewhere. So far so good.

  I open the back door and hear a woman’s voice and then Dad laughing. I can’t remember the last time I heard Dad laugh like that.

  “I’m home,” I say as I drop my backpack and take off my hiking runners.

  “Hey there.” I walk into the kitchen to see Dad holding a glass of red wine. Now that’s different. A slim and fit woman stands behind him. “Abby, I want you to meet Angela.”

  Angela puts down her glass of wine and walks toward me. She’s wearing jeans and a white blouse. Her brown hair’s cut in a stylish bob that almost touches her shoulders. “Hi Abby, so nice to meet you.” Dad must have warned her about my face because there’s only a tiny flinch when she looks right at me with her round brown eyes. She gives me a warm hug that I didn’t see coming. “Your dad tells me you’ve been climbing today.”

  “No climbing, plans changed. Just went into Banff instead and walked with my grandma—my mom’s mom.” Not sure why I said that last bit. The words just tumbled out of my mouth. I obviously have a territory issue.

  “What happened today?” Dad asks, looking concerned. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, weird day is all. I’ll tell you about it later.”

  “I hope you like barbecued lamb,” Angela says.

  “I love it,” I say.

  “Good friends of mine in Water Valley are sheep farmers. Best lamb ever,” Angela says. “And as organic as it gets. No steroids, grass-fed…”

  “And they sing lullabies to the flock every night before bed,” Dad says, making Angela laugh and put her hand on his arm. “And the lambs count sheep in their sleep.” Dad laughs at his own silly joke.

  “Can I help with dinner?” I ask.

  “No, Angela and I have been slaving in the kitchen all afternoon.” He gives her a look. The look. My Dad is absolutely, totally, and hopelessly smitten with this woman.

  ***

  “So here I am chatting away—to myself it turns out,” Angela says. Candles are burning down, flickering shadows on the empty bowls and plates on the dining room table. I can’t remember the last time we ate dinner by candlelight. “When I finally look around, this guy is way behind me, leaning against a tree, sweating profusely and gasping for breath.”

  We all laugh.

  “Even though in his profile he said he was an avid hiker?” I ask.

  “Yeah, can you believe it?” Angela says then takes a drink of her herbal mint tea. “And this was on the flat walking trail by the Bow River.”

  “Okay, wait just a minute. You made me hike Ribbon Creek—ten long, steep miles—and this guy gets an easy stroll by the river?” Dad teases.

  “I wanted to see what you were made of right off the bat,” Angela says with a big smile. She brushes her hair off her face. “And I was definitely not disappointed.”

  “Glad to hear I met with your approval,” Dad says.

  “I got so tired of men pretending to be someone they aren’t. It’s so annoying,” she says.

  “Dad had a similar experience with one woman he met for coffee. She posted an old photo of herself.”

  “If honesty and trust are supposed to be the foundations of a relationship,” Angela says, “those people are definitely starting off on the wrong foot.”

  Dad gives her a smoldering smile. I want to tell them to get a room, but I bite my tongue.

  “Dad tells me you like to travel.”

  “I do. Travel is a huge part of my life. In fact, next week I’m off to China for a conference, but I’m tacking on a hiking trip to Mount Kailash in Tibet.”

  “I’m so jealous,” I say. “I’ve only hiked in the Rockies.”

  “Believe me, Abby. After hiking all over, I still think the Rocky Mountain range is the most beautiful and has the best hiking in the entire world. You’re so lucky you can see those mountains from your backyard.”

  “Yes, we are,” I say. I avoided looking at those mountains for months, but now it’s not so bad.

  “How long will you be gone for again?” Dad asks Angela.

  “About three weeks,” she says. I can tell Dad’s a bit choked.

  ***

  Dad and I say good-bye to Angela at the door.

  “Thanks for making dinner,” I say to her. “You were right about the lamb. It was delicious. And your roasted-veggie dish was amazing.”

  “My pleasure, Abby. It was great to meet you.”

  “Hey, what about my salad?” Dad asks.

  “Meh.”

  “I’m embarrassed for talking so much tonight,” Angela says. “Next time I’m going to keep my mouth shut and I want to hear all about you and your favorite hikes.”

  “Your life is way more interesting than ours,” I say.

  “Speak for yourself,” Dad says.

  “The next dinner’s on me,” I say. “I make a mean mac and cheese, and Dad and I’ll blab all night about our mountain adventures.”

  “Sounds great. I love mac and cheese!” Angela says. “Best comfort food ever.”

  “Right?” I say. Angela hugs me again. I could get used to this.

  Dad wraps his big arms around Angela and stays in that embrace for an uncomfortably long time. At least uncomfortable for me. When he finally loosens his tight grip, he kisses her on the cheek. I’m pretty sure that if I wasn’t right here that kiss would have been way hotter.

  A weird concoction of emotions come over me in a wave, seeing Dad with this other woman he’s clearly gaga over. It’s been almost ten years since Mom died. I haven’t seen him this happy in a very long while and it’s time for him to move on. But even though I encouraged him, somehow it still feels too early for me.

  ***

  “It looks amazing on you, Bean,” Jeannie says as I model the green dress for her on FaceTime. I love the soft feel of the satin on my legs as the dress swishes. “Gramz made it fit perfectly.”

  Hands on hips, I ham it up, strut across my bedroom, pivot, strut back like a catwalk model. Like Serena, Grace, and I used to do when we photographed or videoed one another. Who was that person I used to be?

  “Wish she had dug that dress out of her attic for my grad,” Jeannie says. “I love vintage.�
�

  “It’s awesomely retro, isn’t it?”

  “Can’t wait to come home and go to the grad banquet with you.”

  “Only losers go to grad with their sister and father.”

  “I’m pretty sure Dad already bought the tickets, so you’re not going to have much of a choice in the matter.”

  “I’ll scalp them. Everyone’s always looking for extra dinner and dance tickets.”

  “You’re impossible.”

  I notice Jeannie has a thick ball of hair on top of her head. I pull my hair up, but I still don’t have enough to put it in a knot. I let it down and it falls almost to my shoulders.

  I look at myself in the mirror from all angles. “I do look good, don’t I?”

  “Yeah, yeah. We’ve already gushed about how gorgeous you look. Now tell me more about Angela.”

  “Well, she talked a lot. Mostly about her disastrous online dates and her world travels.”

  “But did she seem nice? Is she a good match for Dad?”

  I shrug. “Nice enough, I guess.”

  “You don’t seem too sure.”

  “It’s not Angela. It’s just weird seeing Dad so obviously smitten. He’s all smiley, googly-eyed, and bubbly around her. Like a silly kid. So not the dad I’m used to.”

  “Yeah, I never thought about that. In theory it’s great that Dad’s met someone, but actually being there to witness it must be so strange.”

  “It’s made me miss Mom lately.” I start to choke up. “So weird, but in some ways Angela reminds me of her. Maybe that’s what stirred things up for me.”

  “Aw, Bean…”

  “I am happy for Dad, I really am. And he’s hardly brought out the Scotch lately.”

  “That’s a good thing.”

  “Yup,” I say.

  “Hey, sorry I’m going to miss your drama performance. Isn’t it coming up soon?”

  I check the calendar on my phone. “Oh my God. It’s next Friday. Feels way too soon!” I start to feel stressed right out.

  “Do you feel ready?”

  “Yeah. No. Maybe. I’ve been such a head case lately.”

  Jeannie looks at her phone. “Sorry, Bean, I’m late for my chem study group.”

  “Aren’t you in chemistry with Caleb?”

  Jeannie’s cheeks turn pink. “Yes, Caleb happens to be in my study group. And before you ask, yes, we’re still dating. But most of our dates seem to be meeting up at the library to study.”

  “Oh, the library,” I joke. “Sounds hot.”

  “Talk later?”

  “Sure, bye J. Love you.”

  She blows a kiss and signs out. I want Jeannie here with me, wrapping her arms around me in one of her monster hugs.

  I look at myself in the mirror. Imagine myself onstage, bright lights shining on me, performing my monologue in front of the whole school. The whole community. Next week. A nervous shiver comes over me.

  INSIDE OUT

  Bio class is over. I pack up my books and see Liam waiting for me at the door.

  “How was the climb on Saturday?” Liam asks and follows me down the hall.

  “Didn’t go.”

  “How come?”

  “Another bear incident,” I say. Liam stops suddenly, as if his runners were glued to the floor.“What the…?” Liam looks truly concerned, which makes me smile.

  “Not me. Just had to give a tourist shit for feeding rice cakes to a bear in the ditch.”

  “Holy! Now that takes the cake, so to speak.”

  “Ha ha.” I’m surprised when he follows me to the gym.

  “You always did act like Ranger Rick when it came to stupid tourists,” he says.

  “So not true.”

  “Remember the time when that car full of yahoos threw their fast-food garbage out the window in the parking lot at Castle Junction? You turned into a monster. I thought you were going to rip someone’s head off.”

  “Couldn’t help myself. There was a garbage can only a few feet from where they were parked. Idiots.”

  “I would have gone with you, Abby. Climbing, I mean. It’s just that my mom hasn’t had a day off in weeks, and I wanted her to get away for the weekend.”

  “I get it. Penny works like a fiend.” We arrive at the gym.

  “Abby…” Liam studies my face, then looks right into my eyes. By the look on his face, he doesn’t seem to notice or care about my scars and sunken face.

  “Yeah?”

  Liam shakes the words out of his mind. “Never mind, it’s nothing. See you around.”

  “See you.” Liam turns around and walks back down the hallway to the stairs. I’m so curious what his “nothing” is all about.

  ***

  At lunchtime, Dax and Mason had left in Mason’s truck—tires screeching and rocks flying on their way out of the parking lot—in an obvious move to skip drama class. Something to put into my nonexistent gratitude journal.

  “You’re up next for rehearsal, Zoe. Please introduce your monologue to the class,” Mr. Owen says.

  Zoe walks to the screen set up at the front of the class. She’s wearing faded jeans with the knees blown out and a T-shirt with red lettering that says Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies. Her long, thin ponytail has been dyed from purple to orange. “My monologue is titled ‘Inside Out.’” Zoe nods at Carter to turn on the projector aimed at the screen.

  A montage of photos outside a gray concrete prison appears on the screen. “My father has been in prison in New Mexico since I was four years old. I’ve lied to people my whole life about why I don’t live with him. Made up stories that he worked overseas, or was in the army. Too ashamed of the truth.” A photo of a newspaper headline reads “Holdup at New Mexico Bank and Trust.” Mug shots of her father. “My first prison visit was when I was five. My dad was sitting in a small green room, his hands and feet shackled. I burst into tears when I saw him. I ran up to hug him, but a guard with a snake tattoo on his bald head grabbed my dad and threw him behind a glass wall. Dad wasn’t allowed to touch me or anyone, not even my mother. That was the last time I saw him. ‘Touching’ hands on either side of a thick layer of glass.”

  She goes on to talk about how hard life has been on her family, especially her mother and younger brother. How they moved to Canada to be close to her grandparents. Zoe ends it off: “Every time I hear about a prison riot, or a prisoner being beaten up and killed, I wonder if I’ll ever see my father again. In his letters, he assures me he’ll be out soon. But I’m nervous to know him outside of prison, outside of our letters. I’m worried that I may never be ready to know him as a free man. I’ve only ever known him as he is now—a man who can never really reach me.”

  Zoe gets a rousing round of applause from everyone, including Mr. Owen, including me. Her monologue is amazing, and it’s clear she’s put in a ton of work. I’ll have some serious competition for the summer internship. Shit.

  ***

  I lean up against Rusty, waiting for Grace in the parking lot. Simon and Olivia hold hands as they walk to Simon’s Jeep. Simon sees me and waves with a big smile. I remember when Liam and I were first together, it was like I was living life floating a few feet above the ground. I wave at Simon, and a jealous pang hits me just below the ribs.

  Grace comes as a Sticky Hive package today. Briar and Serena tag along, obviously wanting a ride home, too. Serena is even thinner than usual. Her cheekbones stick out sharply.

  “Hey,” Briar says.

  “Mind driving Briar and me to my house?” Serena says. Grace mouths “Sorry.”

  “Sure, no worries,” I say, even though I am worried I might not have enough gas to get myself home after taxiing everyone else around. Grace hops in the front seat, the other two in the back.

  Horses and cows graze in fields on either side of the gravel road. I look in th
e rearview mirror. Both Briar and Serena have their eyes glued to their cell phones.

  “Feeling okay, Serena?” I say.

  “Why do you ask?” She keeps texting, her eyes don’t leave her phone.

  “Just that you’re looking really skinny these days.”

  “Oh that. That’s just to piss my mom off. She keeps sending me back to the seamstress to take in my grad dress. But the joke’s on me because she basically told me I can never be too skinny.”

  “Your mom actually said that?” Grace says.

  “Not in so many words, but she congratulated me for losing eight pounds and bragged about it to her friends.”

  “Wish I could drop eight pounds,” Briar says.

  Grace turns around to face them. “Stop the madness! Just stop it.” Grace is almost yelling. “All this talk about being too fat and wanting to be skinny is driving me crazy. You two are beautiful—most girls would do anything to look even remotely as good as you. So why can’t you both just be happy the way you are?”

  I look over at Grace. She could have said you three. Not the beautiful part, but the “be happy the way you are” part. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever be truly satisfied with myself. At least I’ve been a bit easier on myself when I look in the mirror. Even though it feels fake, squashing negative thoughts with positive ones has helped.

  Briar stretches her body over to the front seat and plays with the radio until she finds a station that plays techno-pop.

  “No way. That music will make me drive off the road,” I say. Briar harrumphs and flops back onto her seat.

  “I’ll find something,” Grace says and fiddles with the radio dial until she finds Avril Lavigne singing “Girlfriend.”

  “At least turn it up,” Briar says.

  I do and start singing at the top of my lungs. Grace joins me in singing how Avril doesn’t like some guy’s girlfriend. We look at each other and crack up for no particular reason.

  “You bitches,” Serena blurts out. I look in the rearview mirror and she’s giving me a killer look.

  “Whoa, where did that come from?” Grace says.

  “Abby, what’s going on with you and Liam?” Serena asks.