Trevor's Odd Assay

by Chris Raven

A ‘Tall Stories’ Sneak Preview

  Trevor’s Odd Assay

  A short story by Chris Raven

  © 2013 Chris Raven

  ISBN: 9781311620026

  Trevor’s only been on the job three months but he has already attracted the disapproving attention of Musevary Tower’s grumpy and sardonic caretaker. This introductory short story sets the scene for ‘tall stories’, an up-coming anthology of short stories due out in 2014.

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  Trevor’s Odd Assay

  By Chris Raven

  Mike suddenly stopped mid-stride and peered through the yellowed Perspex window at the soles of Trevor's immaculately polished black work boots. They rested on the counter, behind the security office window, crossed at the ankles. It was not unusual to see Trevor lounging back in his chair but on this occasion it was the two large pink globules of chewing gum that had caught Mike's attention. One was on the bottom of the lower boot's heel and the other was firmly attached to the counter, both were connected to each other by a long spindly mozzarella strand.

  Mike pondered at the amount of time the tower's new concierge spent sleeping as he took in Trevor's tall thin frame, with his feet on the counter and the soles of his boots looking out at the world beyond the small dusty security office.

  Trevor looked smart as usual; Mike would give him that, in his dark blue uniform and his peaked cap pulled over his usually open and youthful face, blocking out the office's harsh fluorescent lighting, and hiding his face. Trevor was leaning so far back in his swivel chair that Mike was amazed that gravity hadn't already claimed him. 'That's an idea' he thought mischievously, unclipping the massive set of keys that always hung from a chain on his belt. It had as many key rings and plastic fobs on it as it did keys. Mike slipped one of the larger rings over his middle finger and let the bunch dangle in his palm. He paused briefly, just to savour the moment, before giving the window a sudden and resounding slap. The keys cracked like thunder and the Perspex window vibrated violently in its wooden frame.

  Trevor jumped in his seat, lurched forward and kicked his feet out in surprise. This caused the chair to fly backwards on its runners, spinning slowly until it hit the wall behind him.

  "Wha! Wha! What?" Trevor stuttered, his cap falling from his astonished face. He looked around in panic, his eyes finally resting on Mike's unimpressed stare.

  *****

  Mike Astley rarely looked impressed, his mouth perpetually down turned and his dark judgemental eyes taking in everything Trevor did.

  Trevor wouldn't have minded so much if Mike had been his boss. But as his cap badge clearly testified, Trevor was employed by Lauren Home Security, a completely separate employment agency to the landlords that employed Mike.

  Trevor looked back through the window at the white fifty-odd year old caretaker, dressed in his usual grubby brown overalls, with his puffy wrinkled face, and fast receding grey-brown hair. His red cheeks and veined bulbous nose just added to his overall look of displeasure and annoyance. Mike stared back and then abruptly pointed at Trevor, beckoning him out of the Office. Before Trevor had time to react Mike had already stomped off out of view.

  Trevor jumped up from his chair and picked up his cap, which had landed on the floor by the counter. Official boss or not Mike was a force to be reckoned with and Trevor had learnt over the last three months that when it came to Mike Astley, it was usually much easier to just do as you are told.

  *****

  By the time Trevor had closed and locked his office, Mike was already down the corridor waiting for him by the lifts.

  "What is it Mr Astley? What's wrong?" Trevor called out as he half skipped down the corridor, tripping over his own feet as he tried to dislodge the chewing gum from the bottom of his boot.

  Mike waited impatiently, taking in Trevor’s friendly open face and the shiny bald head he was in the process of covering with his cap. Trevor appeared to be a decent enough lad, Mike thought, warm and bright but with a marked lack of any 'Oomph'. 'At least that's something I might be able to help him with,' Mike thought as Trevor pulled up beside him, his usual cheery demeanour momentarily replaced by a look of concern. Mike wondered if it was all worth the effort however.

  "Surprise Inspection,” Mike announced.

  "An Inspection?" Trevor replied, obviously confused. Mike sighed and looked up to the sky with impatience.

  "There’s a surprise inspection this afternoon Lad."

  "Oh, right!" Trevor said, “what? Like a health and safety check or something?”

  “Something of the sort," Mike replied distantly.

  Trevor thought for a moment and then asked, "Why are we going upstairs?"

  "To make sure there are no hitches," Mike replied as the lift’s single door opened. Its two parts slid together to reveal a small grimy interior with a dull flickering light in the ceiling hidden by a grey and greasy Perspex cover.

  Trevor continued to look perplexed as the pair stepped into the lift, which caused Mike to sigh and look up to the heavens again.

  "We're going upstairs," He explained, irritation in his voice, "To make sure there’s no potential problems during the inspection."

  "Oh,” Trevor said as the lift door closed behind them.

  “I’ve already had to have a frank chat with that young Turkish Lad in the Mini-Mart this week. You know, to tell him to stop encouraging tramps into the shop.” Trevor nodded sympathetically and tried his best not to look too confused.

  "Wait a minute Mr Astley," He said suddenly, “If this is a surprise inspection, how come you know all about it?”

  Mike turned and fixed Trevor with a long contemplative stare and then simply gave the side of his big red nose a tap with his forefinger, before using the same digit to press the button for the first floor.

  *****

  The lift door opened on the first floor and Mike and Trevor were startled by a tall dark-haired man trying to slip in sideways while the door was still only partially open. He was a middle-aged man dressed in black jeans and a black long sleeved t-shirt. Being equally surprised to see Mike and Trevor standing in his way, the man quickly stepped back a few paces and waited silently, eyes fixed to the floor, while Mike and Trevor stepped past him and into the corridor.

  Trevor watched the man suspiciously as he darted into the lift as soon as they had passed him. He felt irritated by him as he watched him standing there head down and back to the door while he urgently and repeatedly pressed the buttons until the door finally closed behind him.

  “What’s his problem?” Trevor complained but Mike just shrugged and beckoned Trevor to follow him down the corridor.

  “Mr Mathews? Oh don't mind him," Mike replied, "He's quite harmless."

  Trevor felt awful, he was usually more tolerant then this.

  "I'm sorry Mr Astley," Trevor apologised, "That's not normally like me."

  "I know, I can see you're normally a compassionate lad," Mike reassured him, "I'm just a bit protective that's all, he seems to make the other tenants nervous for some reason."

  *****

  Mike and Trevor stopped at a bright red door at the end of the corridor and Mike gave the bell a long steady push.

  "This one on the other hand is another kettle of fish altogether."

  After a few moments the door was opened by a thin wiry man in glasses.

  “Hello Mike,” He said, scratching his b
rown messy hair, “What’s up?” Mike allowed the question to hang in the air for a few seconds before coldly replying.

  "Your neighbours are starting to complain about poor sleep again Mr Oswald.” The man looked startled, as if Mike had just slapped him in the face.

  "Oh, right," He said uncomfortably “Sorry about that, I guess we had the telly on a bit loud last night." Mike regarded him silently for a few more seconds.

  “As you say Mr Oswald.” Trevor felt the edge in his voice, it was clear that Mike did not like the man.

  There was movement behind Mr Oswald and further down the hallway a woman’s head peered out from around a corner, wisps of blond hair sticking out from under the towel she had wrapped round her head like a turban.

  "Who is it James?" She called out and then, "Oh! Hi Mike." Mike gave a curt nod in return.

  "Good morning Mrs Oswald, I hope you are well.” Mike gave Mr Oswald a meaningful glance before looking back at the woman. “There’s a routine inspection this afternoon."

  "Another one?" She said shaking her head.

  “Afraid so,” Mike replied as Mrs Oswald’s head disappeared back into the flat.

  "You don't need to worry about that Mike," She called out, “It’ll be fine, it always is."

  As soon as Mrs Oswald was out of sight Mike's attention snapped back to her husband, who looked like a child who had suddenly been caught with his hand in the biscuit tin.

  "So," Mike said, as his gaze momentarily flicked back to where Mrs Oswald's had been a few seconds earlier, "Would you say that everything’s under control at the moment?" This had not really been a question.

  "I would say so,” Mr Oswald said nervously and then leant forward to conspiratorially whisper "I think she's reasonably happy at the moment, we cleared a lot of air last night.”

  "Well that's OK then," Mike replied, unconvinced. He turned to head back towards the lifts, leaving Trevor to give Mr Oswald an awkward wave as the front door was quickly closed behind them.

  Trevor joined Mike back at the lift but before he could ask the inevitable question, Mike quickly provided it for him.

  "They row," He said simply and then after a short pause he added, "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a bully."

  "Oh Really?" Trevor said surprised, “He didn’t seem the type; I guess you can never tell."

  “I was talking about Mrs Oswald,” Mike corrected him, “But I don’t know how to speak to a man who would let that happen to him.”

  *****

  When the lift arrived Mike and Trevor found themselves sharing it with a middle aged woman whose face was completely framed by a mass of bright red wavy hair.

  "Hello Mike," She said, quickly running her fingers through her shocking curls, "That strange man was in the lift again,” She complained. “I just passed him on the way up." Mike sighed.

  "He’s every right to be here Deidra, he is a resident. Have you met young Trevor Brice here?"

  Trevor raised his hand and gave a brief wave. Deidra studied him like she would a talking dog “He's that new security guard who’s usually downstairs in the front office isn't he?"

  Trevor nodded enthusiastically as the lift door opened, "That's right madam," He said cheerfully.

  "I wondered what he looked like under that cap," She told Mike as she stepped out of the lift and onto the second floor. "He should do something about that strange man," she added, "I'll be speaking to the Neighbourhood Watch about it again."

  Mike and Trevor watched Deidra walk down the corridor, dressed in tight black jeans and a short white leather jacket, her red hair rhythmically bobbing about as she sashayed towards her red and white stripped front door.

  “And she wants me to look out for strange people”, Trevor said quietly as Deidra disappeared into her flat.

  “Speaking of which” Mike replied, “We’d better pop over to number 203 while we’re here.”

  *****

  The door to flat 203 opened as Mike and Trevor approached it. A middle aged man in blue jeans and a thick red jumper stepped out and stopped suddenly, startled to see Mike and Trevor standing outside his door.

  “Good Lord!” He said nervously, his large round eyes twitching frantically, “You gave me such a start there Mike.”

  “I’m sorry about that Johnny,” Mike apologised, “I just wanted a quick word.”

  “Another inspection is it?” Johnny asked wearily.

  “Yes another one I’m afraid,” Mike confirmed and watched as Johnny closed and locked his front door. When he turned back around again he was startled to see Mike and Trevor still standing there.

  “Oh!” he said, “You’re still here.”

  “Yes,” Mike replied, “As I said, I wonder if I might have a little word.”

  Johnny looked at Mike and Trevor in turn, “Really Mike? Right now?” He complained. Mike continued to smile impassively.

  “If you don’t mind Johnny,” He said “It’s quite important.”

  Johnny looked both nervous and annoyed, “Well this really isn’t fair you know, I mean how many inspections do there have to be? When have I been any trouble to anyone before? Well apart from that one time of course but we don’t talk about that anymore do we. No harm was done, all water under the bridge if you ask me, you said so yourself. Well anyway, it’s been a pleasure.”

  Johnny hovered about in front of Mike and Trevor, trying to find a way past them both. Trevor stepped to one side but Mike nonchalantly stepped across to cover the gap.

  “Look, I’m in a bit of a hurry,” The strange man complained, “So if this can wait?” The question was left hanging in the air.

  "Oh we are really going to do this now are we Mike?” Johnny continued in exasperation. Mike just watched Johnny as he squirmed and complained.

  “Look you know I don’t want things to be difficult. I want things to go as smoothly as you do, you know that don’t you Mike? I understand. I’ll tell you what; I won’t do or say anything out of the ordinary today. Is that OK?”

  “That’s all I ask for Johnny,” Mike finally confirmed, “That’s all I have ever asked for.”

  *****

  Mike and Trevor waited in the corridor for an upward lift while Johnny took a lift going down. Mike took the opportunity to explain that unless he kept Johnny on a tight rein, he was want to become a nuisance from time to time.

  "If he's not accusing the other tenants of persecuting him, he's running around with his head wrapped in tin foil," Mike explained, "I find a regular ‘pep’ talk reminds him that I'm watching him and it seems to keep him in check for a bit."

  *****

  Trevor continued to follow Mike on his strange journey up through the floors of Musevary Towers. He watched him speak to the various tenants that lived there and to Trevor each conversation he witnessed seemed equally senseless and equally cryptic. On the third floor Trevor was introduced to a suave looking old boy called Henry. He seemed younger than his years and Trevor took an instant liking to him. There was also a large loud and gaudy woman on the fourth floor who was apparently a member of the neighbourhood watch the red-headed woman had mentioned.

  On leaving the fourth floor Mike and Trevor passed a tall milkman coming out of the lift. He was in his 30s, with a mop of unkempt greasy blond hair and he was dressed in white overalls. He was whistling tunelessly while carrying a compartmentalised milk basket in each hand, both filled with a mixture of full and empty milk bottles that rattled nosily as he walked. He formed a big friendly grin when he saw Mike.

  “Hello Humphrey,” Mike said, “Where’s the lad?”

  “Oh, I had to let him go,” The milkman replied with a shrug, “Wasn’t pulling his weight.”

  “The kids of today eh!” Mike said ruefully, giving Trevor a meaningful look. Trevor chose to ignore this, despite feeling more than a little irritated at the constant criticism.

  The situation did not improve on fifth floor either, as Mike spoke to a stylish older woman called Dorothy. They stood at her fro
nt door, and both of them looked at Trevor from time to time before resuming their whispered conversation. Trevor knew they were talking about him but every time he stepped closer to listen, both Mike and the old woman shooed him away.

  Eventually the woman beckoned Trevor over and invited him in to help her move a large parcel from her hallway to the coffee table in her living room. Mike waited outside.

  "Thank you dear," she said rummaging through her purse as Trevor plonked down the bulky brown parcel, "let me give you something for your trouble."

  "No!" Trevor said firmly, glancing around the living room, "It's all part of the service." His eyes fell on the bookshelf, which was full of children's books.

  "You're a big fan of Dorothy Seers I see, I used to love reading them as a kid." Dorothy smiled while Trevor realised with whom he was speaking.

  "You're Dorothy Seers?" He said dumbstruck, "I, I, I."

  "That's alright dear," She said as she slit open the parcel with a craft knife, "I feel really complemented that I've still got a fan." She took out a copy of her latest book and wrote something inside the front cover.

  "If you won’t take money, let me give you this instead."

  Trevor took the book eagerly and profusely thanked the elderly Author, who quickly placed her hands around his as he tried to open the book to read the inscription.

  "Read it later dear," She quickly said, “I’ll be embarrassed for you to read it in front of me.” Trevor nodded and slipped the book under his arm, promising to read it later, which he immediately did in the lift on his way to the next floor.

  "What does it say," Mike asked. Trevor quickly reread the inscription again.

  "It says don't read this out to Mike Astley." Mike pondered this for a second.

  "Best not then lad," He advised, "She usually knows what she’s talking about."

  Trevor continued to read in silence as the left ascended to the next floor. The inscription went on to say that he should not to worry about what a new friend was before they met and that he will soon face adversity,but he will prevail as long as he remains true to himself.

  *****

  On the sixth floor Mike asked Trevor to wait in the lift, so that is what he did, standing there like a fool with his finger firmly pressed on the ‘hold door’ button as instructed.