Milton the Mighty

by Emma Read

  ‘Yes. I got brought here by my human by mistake. But now I’m here, I wanted to meet you. And ask you something. Apparently we’re cousins.’

  ‘We are, mate. You, me and the black widow next door.’ The redback kicked out with her rear legs at a springy twig. It twanged against the plastic and in the next case another small black spider appeared. ‘Hey! Latrodectus mactans 5467, we’ve got company,’ she yelled.

  Milton rolled his eyes.

  They’ll have to do something about those names. I’ll call them Mack and Seltey.

  ‘Howdy there, little brown.’

  ‘Hello,’ said Milton. ‘I’m your cousin. I wonder if you could help me?’

  ‘Anything for family,’ said Mack, the black widow. He and Seltey, the redback, winked at one another.

  ‘Oh, thank you so much. My friends and I are in big trouble. There’s this woman, she’s a professional spider killer, and our house human, well, our big house human at any rate, has booked her company, BugKILL! to . . .’

  ‘Whoa there, fella, slow down. I can’t make head nor abdomen of what you’re saying.’

  Milton took a deep breath. ‘I don’t have much time. I heard your big human – the professor. She said she “adores” spiders. Is that right? How did you make her like you? I have to know – I have to make my big human like me too.’

  Mack and Seltey blinked at each other in a peculiar way and Seltey began brushing up her leg hairs. ‘Er, I can’t actually hear you that well, mate.’

  Mack pressed himself up against the case. ‘Me either. These boxes are tricky to chat through.’ He paused. ‘What was that?’

  ‘I didn’t say anything,’ shouted Milton. ‘So, can you tell me what you know? What’s the trick with these big humans?’

  Mack was shaking his cephalothorax and shrugging at Seltey. ‘If you could open these lids, I might be able to hear you better.’

  Milton stared at them, his eyes widening. ‘You don’t mean . . . set you free?’

  ‘Free? No, no, of course not!’ Mack reassured him. ‘But if we’re going to have a conversation you’ll have to pop these tops. Don’t think about it for too long, if another Bug World scientist sees you, you’ll be in a box before you can say Acanthoscurria hirsutissimasterni.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Seltey.

  Mack looked smug. ‘The spider with the longest name. Haven’t you been paying attention to Greta’s Fabulous Fun-Filled Facts?’

  Seltey climbed under her lid and shouted through the gaps, ‘Ask Smith to help you, she’s always going for a wander – look, she rolls a twig under her cage door when Greta closes it. That way if she feels like stretching her legs she can. She always goes back inside – the cockroaches are good here. We’ll go back inside too.’ Seltey gave a wide grin.

  ‘This is our home,’ agreed Mack. ‘Where else would we go?’

  Milton looked at the spiders’ box lids, on nice and tight. He would need some strong-legged help to pop them open. ‘Has Smith ever let you out before?’

  ‘She never hears us banging on the plastic.’ Seltey smiled sweetly.

  ‘She’s getting on a bit,’ said Mack. ‘But she absolutely would. She’ll be fine about it.’

  Milton sighed, checked the coast was clear, and ran across to Smith’s case.

  Have you thought this through, Milton?

  Milton looked back at the widows. Time was running out, BugKILL! would be sticking their poisonous nozzles under his skirting board in just six days. He didn’t have time for doubts.

  Got to take a risk.

  The twig left a gap under the glass of Smith’s case, large enough for Milton to crawl under. He crept across sand and leaves and found the tarantula under a log.

  ‘Ahem, Ms Smith?’

  ‘Halloo? Is someone there?’

  ‘I’m down here.’

  Smith felt around with her leg hairs. ‘Sorry, I don’t see very well. Ah, there you are! Hmm, you don’t smell like a cockroach.’

  ‘I’m a spider. False widow. Milton. Nice to meet you.’ He stared up at Smith, her huge furry legs towering over him, her fangs as big as his entire body. Milton gulped.

  ‘Not a cockroach, then. Doesn’t matter, I’m not hungry anyway – I already ate this month. You’re very small, if you don’t mind me saying, you’ll need to speak up from down there.’

  ‘And you’re very . . . large.’ Milton hoped this wouldn’t offend her. ‘And strong. I need someone strong to pop open a couple of lids. I’m on a mission of vital importance. I have to save my species, and the redback and widow are going to help me. But they can’t do it in their cases. Apparently.’

  ‘It is good to get out, dearie, stretch the old legs. I get so tired being on show all day. Not that I don’t love the little rascals, grinning and squealing at me from the other side. Could do without the ones who bang on the glass, though . . . sorry, dear, what were you saying?’ ‘It’s this way.’ Milton jumped up and down like a cricket so Smith could see him, and hoped she was telling the truth about not being hungry.

  ‘I’m coming, where’s the rush?’ She pushed up the glass with one hairy heave of a powerful leg. ‘After you.’

  Smith overtook Milton in one stride, and he had to run to keep up with her. ‘It’s these two. Can you do it?’ He looked about nervously as Smith set her front two legs against the lid and pushed.

  Nothing happened.

  She tried again, harder this time, but instead of popping off the lids, she was sliding the two boxes towards the edge of the desk. Milton cried out to her to stop but Smith could hardly hear his tiny voice and it was too late. Seltey went over first, Mack’s box teetering on the brink.

  ‘Stay still!’ yelled Milton. But Mack was looking at Seltey. The impact on the floor had knocked her lid clean off. He turned and grinned at Milton, then shouted, ‘Yee-haw!’ as he threw his weight against his box, sending it toppling after Seltey’s.

  Milton’s jaw hit the desk. This wasn’t a covert exchange of information, this was a calamity! How were they ever going to get the boxes back on the desk once Mack and Seltey got back in? The humans were bound to notice, unless . . .

  They have no intention of going back in!

  Free from their cases, Mack and Seltey made a mad dash for Zoe’s bag, and climbed in, giggling.

  ‘Come on, Milton, from Opposite the Garages,’ called Mack, as Seltey made herself at home in a sweet wrapper. ‘We want to hear all about the Outside World.’

  This cannot be happening.

  ‘Out! Get out! You can’t be in here!’ Milton dived into the bag, shoving first Seltey, then Mack, trying to push them up the sides of Zoe’s bag. ‘You’re deadly spiders!’ He huffed as they all fell into the bottom of the bag. ‘I am such an idiot for believing you. Audrey is going to kill me . . . then Felicity Thrubwell is going to kill us all.’

  Back home from the zoo, Mr Macey was barely on his second cup of tea when the call came.

  Zoe was sitting on the front-room carpet, making surprisingly realistic-looking paper spiders for Halloween, when her dad suddenly leapt on to the arm of the sofa. ‘I’m absolutely fine, Professor. Of course, Greta. Nope, not panicking at all.’

  Mr Macey moved to the edge of the arm, clutching the wall with his free hand, scanning around frantically, first at the ceiling, then the floor and back again.

  But definitely not panicking.

  ‘That would be marvellous, Pro— Greta. See you in about ten minutes.’ He laughed – the fakest laugh Zoe had ever heard. ‘We’re fine, honestly. I’m sure they’re tucked away safe and sound, like you said.’ Mr Macey’s cheeks were flushing and his glasses were on the wonk. ‘See you soon.’

  He ended the call and clutched the phone to his chest. ‘Zoe, I want you to stand up. Very slowly. That’s it. Pop the scissors down, love, and walk over to me. Watch where you step.’

  Zoe raised one eyebrow. ‘What’s going on? Who was that?’

  ‘Professor Parker. Quick, Zoe, get up off the floor.’
>
  ‘Why is the professor calling you? How come she’s got your number?’

  ‘Never mind that, we have a problem. This is not the time to discuss who I choose to give my phone number to. Come on, Zoe. I’m serious!’

  Zoe climbed on to the sofa, shaking her head. ‘OK, explain, please. It’s a while since we pretended the floor was hot lava.’

  ‘Apparently, two of Greta’s . . . I mean, Professor Parker’s deadly spiders are missing. She seems to think they might be here.’

  ‘Is this a joke?’

  ‘Not at all. She thinks it’s possible that they hitched a ride from her lab to our house on your backpack.’ Mr Macey started to sway. ‘It’s bad enough that they might be in the house, but that bag was ON YOU!’ The last two words came out in a sort of a squeak and he clamped his hand over his mouth like he might be sick.

  Zoe touched his shoulder and he jumped. ‘It’s going to be OK. Right?’

  ‘Perhaps I should give Ms Thrubwell a call. She might have a BugKILL! emergency department.’ He patted his pockets for her business card. ‘Where’s that odd little belt of hers when I need it? I see why she never leaves home without one.’

  Zoe tried to look innocent – her dad obviously hadn’t figured out where she’d hidden it. ‘Dad! You can’t exterminate zoo animals! Anyway, they’re just spiders, haven’t you learnt anything?’

  ‘I’ve learnt lots, thank you very much. Enough to know that a redback and a black widow are dangerous, and that I don’t want them loose in the house.’

  ‘OK, that’s a fair comment. But why are we up here? There’s as good a chance they’re down the back of the sofa as anywhere.’

  That was enough for her dad to go full scream ahead. He leapt over the arm of the sofa and into the hall, tripping over Zoe’s backpack as he went.

  Which lead to more screaming, of course.

  Zoe ran out after him, avoided the bag, and grabbed her dad by the arm, causing him to shriek again.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  Mr Macey shook his shoes, examined them for movement, then flapped his coat like an enormous duster. ‘I’m going to get biscuits. The professor is on her way.’

  Mack and Seltey were not down the back of the sofa and of course they had no intention of going back to the zoo, much less returning to their boxes.

  Milton was fretting and fiddling with his front legs when Audrey and Ralph burst into his house.

  ‘Milt! Oh, thank the lucky webs! You’re safe. Hey, little black and red spider dudes. I’m Ralph. Have we met before?’

  Milton sighed. ‘Mack and Seltey, meet Ralph and Audrey. Ralph and Audrey, yes, I have, through no fault of my own, brought a redback and a black widow home with me.’ He hung his head. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Oh, Milton!’ Audrey glared at him with her good eyes. ‘You brought two of the world’s deadliest spiders here, to the street of BugKILL! terror? What do you think is going to happen when Mr M, or worse still, that Thrubwell woman finds out?’

  ‘I know, I’m so, so sorry. I had an idea, I got curious and . . . I’ve really messed up.’

  ‘Chillax,’ said Seltey. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, you lot are too worried about everything. Comes from living with these humans, if you ask me. There’s a big wide world out there, filled with spiders—’

  Mack interrupted, ‘Twenty-one quadrillion. Apparently that’s a lot.’

  Ralph oooh-ed.

  Seltey nodded. ‘Three million of us, for every human on the planet. Anyway, my point is, I don’t plan on spending the rest of my life in a plastic tub when there’s adventure to be had. Sometimes you gotta take a risk.’

  ‘But you tricked me.’ Milton folded his legs and scowled, but he couldn’t help feeling that her words sounded very familiar.

  ‘Thanks for the ladybird juice, Milton. And try not to feel too bad. We’ll send you a postcard.’ And with that they scuttled out of Milton’s front door and into the hall.

  Milton, Ralph and Audrey’s jaws hit the floor in unison.

  ‘Stay here,’ said Milton and dashed after them.

  Then skidded to a sudden stop.

  Zoe was halfway down the stairs. She walked to the bottom and sat down. ‘Hello.’

  Milton looked around to see who she was talking to.

  ‘Don’t suppose you’ve seen two deadly spiders hanging around, have you?’

  Milton listened for whoever she was talking to, to reply, but there was silence. He backed off slowly towards his house.

  ‘Hey, don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you. I know you’re not dangerous. What do you think, little spider? Am I crazy for being into bugs?’ Zoe sighed. ‘If only you could speak. I just know we could change people’s minds.’

  Milton’s heart thumped, but he wasn’t sure if it was fear or joy.

  Is she talking to me?

  He looked around. There was no one else there.

  So she must be talking to me!

  Zoe stood. ‘Well, little one, I guess I’d better find somewhere safe to wait. You’ll notice that Dad just cleared off and left me here, in the house with two of the world’s deadliest arachnids. They could be anywhere.’

  (In actual fact they were hiding under her scooter less than a metre from her feet.)

  ‘I’m going to ride my bike in the road. See you later. And if you see anyone that looks like you, but black and red, tell them it’s time to go back to the zoo.’

  ‘I did try,’ he croaked after her as she shut the door.

  What have I done?!

  Then Milton saw movement out of his side eyes. ‘I see you two. Get back in the house now. We need to have a serious talk.’

  ‘No time, mate,’ said Seltey. ‘We’re off. Thanks for everything.’

  ‘What?! You can’t go Out there. You guys are highly venomous – I’m not surprised the humans are scared. If Felicity Thrubwell finds you, I’ll have no chance of saving my species.’

  ‘Then we’d better get cracking.’

  Behind them, the front door opened, and Mack and Seltey prepared to make a dash for freedom.

  Mr Macey opened the door a crack, then edged backwards to stand well behind Professor Parker. ‘After you,’ he said politely. And a little manically.

  ‘Owen, please don’t fret. There’s nothing to worry about.’ She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. ‘We’ll get this sorted before anyone else finds out. Let’s avoid any more sensational headlines!’

  Zoe skidded her bike to a stop on the pavement. ‘Hi, Dad. Hi, Miss Parker.’

  ‘It’s Professor.’ Mr Macey pushed his glasses on to his head to give Zoe a more effective eyebrow raise.

  ‘It’s Greta,’ said the professor, smiling.

  ‘Are we all going to stand on the doorstep?’ Zoe let her bike fall against the wall of the tiny front garden. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’ She strode past them and into the house.

  Mr Macey took a deep breath, but not wanting to be outdone in the bravery stakes by his eleven-year-old, he went in next. Professor Parker chuckled to herself and followed after them, closing the door behind her.

  ‘Ah ha!’ exclaimed the professor, as the latch clicked on the door. ‘Mission accomplished. Would you be so kind as to stay in the kitchen?’ Without making any quick movements, she reached behind her back for her rucksack, then crouched slowly to the ground. ‘Hello, you two. What exactly do you think you’re doing?’

  Mack and Seltey looked at Milton, Audrey and Ralph, then at the floor.

  ‘We’ll talk about this back at the zoo,’ the professor said, giving them both a very stern look.

  Mr Macey popped his head over the kitchen counter. ‘Ginger nuts or Jammie Dodgers, Gre—’ He stopped abruptly, as he saw the professor talking to two black marbles on the floor. He pushed his glasses back down on to his nose and looked again. Not marbles. Not completely black. Eight legs, red pattern on the abdomen . . . Mr Macey opened his mouth as wide as the Channel Tunnel and screamed.

  When humans scream
, little spiders, big spiders, happy-faced spiders, deadly spiders: they all run.

  Milton had more or less got the hang of this now, and he ran straight back into his house, given that it was RIGHT THERE! He went all the way in, then looked behind to see the others following him.

  Except they weren’t.

  Oh, for the love of webs.

  Mack and Seltey had tried to run in the opposite direction from the scream, but had simply crashed into one another, got spun around and then legged it up the hallway towards the kitchen and the traumatized Mr Macey. Audrey didn’t do much better, choosing to hide in Zoe’s wellie, but that was still preferable to what Ralph managed. He completely lost the plot, ran on to the professor’s right shoe and began scaling her jeans.

  The professor carefully removed Ralph and placed him beside the skirting board, then scanned the dining-room floor for the two tiny escapees.

  In the meantime, Mr Macey had climbed on to the dining table and was wielding the pack of Jammie Dodgers like a malfunctioning lightsabre.

  Zoe hopped on to a chair and held her hands out to her dad, trying to calm him down. ‘Dad, it’s OK. They won’t hurt you. Put down the biscuits.’

  ‘Zoe,’ her dad said in a weirdly rational voice. ‘I need you to listen now, poppet. If I die, my will is in the top drawer of the large chest in the bedroom. Uncle Henry will sort it all out if I don’t make it. Top drawer, OK? The bottom drawer is strictly between you and me – no one needs to know about 101 Greatest Show Tunes. Got it?’

  ‘Dad. It’s going to be fine.’

  But her dad’s eyes had glazed over and he was mumbling, ‘We’re all going to die,’ on repeat.

  Professor Parker stamped her foot and thrust her hands on her hips. ‘LATRODECTUS HASSELTI 2301! LATRODECTUS MACTANS 5467! Stop right where you are.’ Zoe thought the professor had also gone loopy, but miraculously the redback and the black widow stopped and turned to face her.

  ‘They don’t like the vibration,’ said the professor, a little too quickly, as she saw Zoe’s eyebrows lifting. She crouched down beside the spiders and placed a plastic box on its side on the floor in front of them. She looked up at Mr Macey. ‘Owen? I’d love a Jammie Dodger, if the offer still stands.’