Milton the Mighty

by Emma Read

  The room fell silent.

  They waited.

  The professor made everyone a hot chocolate, the spiders paced, Mr Macey checked outside for the BugKILL! exterminators, but the street was quiet.

  Maybe it wasn’t so easy to start a global campaign and become a world-famous eco-warrior after . . .

  Suddenly Mr Macey screamed and leapt off the sofa.

  Milton hid behind Audrey

  Enough with all the screaming!

  Ralph fell off the sofa and on to Mr M’s foot. Owen screamed again, and froze as the professor got down on one knee to scoop Ralph up. ‘See, if you look closely, he’s actually a very handsome fellow,’ she said, but Mr Macey wasn’t looking at Ralph, he was staring into the professor’s eyes.

  Zoe pulled a face. ‘Oh, please, what was the screaming about, Dad?’

  ‘Look at our notifications,’ he said.

  ‘Oh my goodness!’ said Greta, clicking on the screen. ‘This is incredible.’

  Post after post appeared, showing similar images. Videos and photos and comments like ‘spectacular’ and ‘never before seen’ and ‘miraculous’.

  It was happening across the whole country!

  Gardens, roof terraces, window boxes, allotments – all decorated with silvery webs and berries and leaves and seeds. The spiders hadn’t just swung along the street. They’d swung along ALL the streets!

  Milton and his friends held claws on the sofa and watched as the numbers of likes and retweets and shares and spider emojis went higher and higher.

  ‘It’s working,’ whispered Milton. ‘It’s really working.’

  Four spiders sat on the arm of the sofa. The glow of the Christmas lights cast their shadows on the wall, one big and hairy, one slender and delicate, two small and round – all fidgeting. Spiders are generally very good at waiting, but not today.

  ‘Shh,’ said Audrey. ‘We must be next, surely.’

  ‘But it’s nearly time for the weather.’ Ralph scuttled back and forth on the furniture. ‘Maybe it’s not on today after all.’

  ‘Shh,’ said Audrey again. ‘And sit still, will you? It’ll be on, be patient.’

  Zoe leapt up from the sofa to take a quick picture – light from the TV reflected in the spiders’ eyes and she gave them a thumbs up.

  ‘Zoe! Sit down, you’ll miss it,’ said Mr Macey, who was sitting at the far end of the sofa, squashed up together with Greta. Milton thought this was odd – there was plenty of room for everyone. The spiders didn’t exactly take up space.

  Then, on the BBC news, the newsreader said the magic words: ‘And finally,’ and everyone squeaked (even the professor – who wasn’t usually the squeaking type). ‘You might be able to name one or two famous fictional arachnids, but if you’re a fan of Facebook or Twitter you might also know about a real-life celebrity spider, Milton the false widow.’

  In the corner of the screen, above the news-reader’s head, a gigantic picture of Milton appeared, causing a great deal of bouncy jubilation on the sofa. Ralph hung on for dear life and Audrey’s long legs swung about wildly.

  ‘Milton was almost exterminated by the human inhabitants of his house, after they read a headline branding him one of the most dangerous spiders in the country.’

  ‘Exterminate is a bit of a strong word,’ insisted Mr Macey.

  Everyone shushed him.

  ‘Until he was saved by a social media campaign, and one of the most extraordinary natural events ever seen.

  ‘The #NotScaredOfSpiders challenge is the brainchild of eleven-year-old Zoe Macey, who with the help of her dad, Owen, and Professor Greta Parker, Curator of Invertebrates at World Zoo, decided to champion the plight of the false widow as part of a homework project. Zoe was shocked when she read the misleading headline – we should point out that there are no deadly species of spider in the UK.

  ‘At the same time as Zoe was launching her campaign, spiders were decorating gardens up and down the country, baffling experts with what later became known as the WWW – Wonderful Wide Web.

  ‘It inspired over ten thousand people, from schoolchildren to celebrities, and even royalty, to share their reasons for loving spiders. The campaign has spread around the world and we’ve seen signs and images of arachnids from tiny money spiders to the not so tiny, like this huntsman spider from Australia. Look away now if you’re not a spider fan. These are also known as giant crab spiders . . . for, if you’re still looking, obvious reasons.’

  Milton, Ralph, Audrey and One Short all mouthed, ‘WOW’ at the picture of the biggest spider they’d ever seen.

  ‘How many woodlice do you think she puts away?’ whispered Ralph. Audrey shushed him again, of course.

  On the telly, the newsreader carried on. ‘The organizers of the challenge hope to raise awareness of the importance of spiders in the ecosystem and all donations are going to support the work of the British Arachnological Society and Buglife. The campaign also served as a reminder of the dangers of misinformation.’ The picture of the huntsman spider was replaced with a truly terrifying sight: a blurry still of Felicity Thrubwell, her face contorted into a scream as she tore at a beautiful spiderweb with one rubber glove. Leaves, and something that might’ve been a crisp packet, were stuck to her hairnet.

  ‘Fortunately, this bogus pest control company is no longer in business and won’t be running anymore misleading advertisements.

  ‘Zoe also asks us to remind people to respect spiders as wild animals and not handle them, particularly anyone watching elsewhere in the world, where spiders can be hazardous.

  ‘So, before we go to Carol with the weather, here’s a picture of me with my new bestie, Dora the cupboard-under-the-stairs Explorer.’ A picture appeared of the newsreader giving a thumbs up beside a small and very unscream-worthy false widow.

  The spiders on the sofa whooped and leapt for joy and Ralph almost fell off the arm again, as Professor Parker popped the cork on a bottle of champagne. Clinking their glasses, the big house humans hugged Zoe, then turned to Milton, Audrey, Ralph and the slightly bemused One Short.

  ‘These humans are weird,’ she said.

  ‘You’ll get used to them,’ laughed Milton. ‘Here’s to you guys. Can you believe we’re on the BBC?’

  The spiders clinked their own glasses of ladybird juice and danced in a circle.

  ‘You did it, Milton! You’re on the telly!’ shrieked Audrey.

  ‘Did you see that picture of you? In widescreen you’re not such a small spider after all!’ said Ralph.

  Zoe had the same thought. ‘Milton, you were so huge on the TV – the biggest, best, little spider in the world.’ Zoe swiped her finger across the tablet screen. ‘So, Dad, now that I’m famous, can I have my own phone?’

  Her dad answered with a look she’d seen many times before.

  Zoe shrugged. ‘We’re getting loads of interest on the internet, especially the #NotScaredOf-Spiders site. I can’t refresh the page quickly enough!’ Zoe showed them the web page. People had left loads of messages, supporting the cause and donating money. ‘I guess this is what it feels like to go viral!’ she said.

  The spiders all stopped dancing and celebrating at the same time. Audrey motioned with her leg to Zoe, then wiped her brow as if to say, Are you not feeling well?

  Zoe laughed. ‘Going viral means that the idea has spread around on the internet. A bit like catching a cold!’ Audrey shook her head. It would take her a little while to get the hang of this new kind of web.

  ‘You’ve done a wonderful thing, all of you,’ said the professor. ‘And not only for false widows, there’s a lot of love out there for all spider species.’

  Milton gave the professor his little salute.

  ‘Speech!’ called Ralph. The spiders all joined in, shouting, ‘Speech, speech,’ until Milton waved his legs to shush them.

  ‘I’ve come a long way since the last speech I gave.’ He looked around for One Short, to give her a grateful nod, but she’d vanished. ‘After the meeting
in the shed, I never thought this day would happen, and it wouldn’t have if not for you. Today is for all of us – spider and human, big and small . . .’ Milton welled up. ‘My friends.’

  Suddenly a chorus of voices sounded from the doorway. One Short was leading a procession of false widows into the front room and they were all singing, ‘For he’s a jolly good spider.’ Audrey, Ralph and One Short joined in, ‘And so say all of us!’

  Milton ran to the widows, as they gathered round him, thanking him, hugging him – all of them had returned home.

  Mr Macey sighed. ‘I suppose I’ll have to get used to this.’ Zoe pressed rewind on the TV remote control so they could watch the news piece again. She paused on the picture of Milton, larger than life.

  ‘If only your dad could see you now.’ Ralph wiped a tear from his eye. ‘You’ve made headline news again, Milton, and this time for all the right reasons.’

  Epilogue

  Two days after Milton’s starring role on the BBC news, Zoe screamed again.

  Milton was home under the skirting board when he heard it.

  Not again.

  But then the shriek turned into a shout.

  ‘MILTON! Milton, quick, come here. You have to see this.’

  Milton popped out from under the wall and started running as fast as his eight little legs would carry him (no zigzagging required). He found Zoe in the dining room, in front of the laptop.

  ‘Quick, quick, hop up here.’ She held out her hand and lifted him on to the table. The laptop was open at their campaign page on Twitter. ‘OK, you ready?’ Zoe asked, grinning like a Hawaiian happy-face spider. Milton nodded, although he didn’t know what he was supposed to be ready for.

  Someone called @lightshadetotellyswingchamp, location: Big Island, Hawaii, had posted a video. It began with a close-up shot of a false widow on an exotic, purple flower. The camera panned out to show a human with a series of handwritten signs which read:

  Milton!

  I thought I’d lost you for ever

  Saw you on the tellybox

  You looked as big as a house!

  #NotScaredOfSpiders

  The man spoke: ‘Hello, fellow humans, and good luck with your campaign. Welcome to beautiful Hawaii. I’m not scared of spiders because they are intrepid explorers, like me and my little buddy here. We’d like to invite you to come and visit us – someone is very keen to see Milton again.’

  The camera zoomed back in on the false widow, who was wiping tears from all his side eyes, and Milton could see that he was glowing with pride.

  The video ended and Milton stared at Zoe, his jaws almost on the table. It was all he could do to squeeze out one shaky, but delighted word:

  ‘Dad.’

  What Happened Next . . .

  Following the global success of the #NotScaredOfSpiders campaign, Milton was invited to become an ambassador for the UN. He has featured on the front cover of many magazines, including his favourite: NatGeoKids.

  Zoe appeared on The One Show with Steve Back-shall, and was never again bullied for liking spiders. She is now considering a career in eco-journalism. She also got ten additional house points for her homework.

  After Mr Macey’s video of Felicity went viral, BugKILL! was declared bankrupt. Felicity Thrubwell now delivers World of Slippers catalogues for a living.

  Owen and Greta bought an amazing old house together with lots of dark corners, a big cellar and a very spidery attic. Audrey, Ralph and Milton couldn’t be more at home, although Ralph is finding it even harder to cut down on bugs. They have asked Milton to be the Best Spider at their wedding.

  The #NotScaredOfSpiders T-shirts, which were designed by Vivienne Web-Wood, opened the show at London Fashion Week.

  The End

  Spidery Sciencey Stuff

  Milton and his friends are based on real spiders commonly seen in UK homes. Here are some more facts about them, and if you would like to discover even more, you could look online at the Natural History Museum, the British Arachnological Society or Buglife web pages, or pay a visit to your local library.

  Milton – Steatoda species

  Overall size (that is, including legs): about 20mm (2cm) or roughly the size of a Polo mint.

  They are often found in garages, sheds and garden clutter, but also in cool areas in the house, such as beneath kitchen cupboards (or a cosy home by the front door).

  There are six UK species in the group, known as false widows and although they resemble black widow spiders, they are not harmful. They feed on a wide variety of prey, including beetles, woodlice (yummy), flies and moths.

  Audrey – Pholcus phalangioides

  Overall size: up to 45mm (4.5cm) or roughly the size of your thumb.

  Commonly known as cellar spiders (and sometimes daddy-long-legs spiders, although they should not be confused with crane flies, which are insects, and harvestmen, which are more closely related to mites, both of which are also called daddy-long-legs . . . phew!).

  They prefer the warm and constant temperatures of our homes, garages and sheds, and cannot survive outside in the winter.

  The webs they make are untidy and often in ceiling corners. If disturbed, they vibrate in their webs, probably as a way to frighten off predators. They feed on any insects found in the house and will also eat other spiders, even surprisingly large house spiders including Tegenaria species. (Gasp! Don’t tell Ralph!)

  Ralph – Tegenaria species

  Overall size: up to 120mm (12cm), or roughly the size of your hand!

  If there’s a spider in the bath, it’s likely to be a Tegenaria. In autumn months the males leave their webs in search of females and frequently enter homes through open windows, chimneys or gaps beneath doors. They often dash across the floor at top speed, as they are the fastest-moving spider, able to run at just over one and a half kilometres an hour!

  They build sheet-like webs in garages, sheds and lofts, but are less likely to be full-time occupants of our homes as they do not like to be disturbed.

  They are not overweight, just our largest native spider.

  One Short – Araneus diadematus

  Overall size: up to 30mm (3cm) or roughly the size of a lolly.

  Also known as the cross spider, this is the UK’s most common garden spider. It can be found almost anywhere it can build its web – in shrubs, across paths, even over doorways. These spiders build a new web each night, after eating the old one. Then they sit in the middle and wait to feel the vibrations of any prey which gets stuck there. The average web of a garden spider contains about 30 metres of silk – that’s as long as a blue whale!

  How to Speak Spider

  Milton and his eight-legged buddies are arachnids (not insects), and have lots of unusual words to describe their body parts and behaviour. Here are a few to get you started:

  Cephalothorax (pronounced Keph-a-low-thor-axe. Not kefalo-whatsit as Ralph says.): This is a spider’s head and upper body, which is all one part, not two like ours. Spiders don’t have necks, so please don’t send Milton ties, necklaces or woolly scarfs.

  Abdomen: This is the rest of the spider’s body. The abdomen contains the heart, lungs and intestines (the stomach is in the cephalothorax). This is where the spinnerets are.

  Spinnerets: Most spiders have four or six spinnerets, which they use to make silk. The silk is very strong and is used for webs, to catch prey, wrap their eggs or to ‘fly’.

  Exoskeleton: Like us, spiders have muscles attached to a skeleton. Unlike us, a spider’s skeleton is on the outside of its body! It can’t grow so when spiders are young, they moult their old exoskeleton and grow a new, larger one. The discarded skeleton sometimes looks like a ghost spider . . . which is maybe why the tale of Old Hairy Lou is so scary!

  Venom: Nearly all spiders have venom, which they use to kill prey. They have hollow fangs, a bit like needles, which are curved and help them hold tightly to their future dinner.

  Pedipalps: These are the little boxing-glove-like appendages th
at many spiders have between their front legs and mouth parts. They’re generally larger in males and are used for capturing and holding prey. In some spiders they look like a short pair of extra legs.

  A Lot to be Thankful For . . .

  Writing a book is hard. Writing a book about something you’re scared of takes it to another level! Fortunately, I was never alone on my writing journey, and I’ve a few people to thank for being there with help and guidance and some ‘unique’ encouragement.

  First of all, everyone at Chicken House. I’m so very grateful to you all, Elinor, Laura, Lucy, Jazz, Rachel, Sarah, my amazing editors Rachel and Kesia (‘more peril!’) and Barry, for believing that Milton’s story had legs.

  To my agent Lauren Gardner, who draws tiny spiders in her notebook whenever we meet. Thank you for loving little Milton and taking such good care of him (and feeding me sweets when I’m running low.) Also everyone else at Bell Lomax Moreton (Paul, thank you for my day trip to London!)

  Alex – I cried little when I first saw your beautiful drawings on Instagram. You’ve made Milton and his friends look so adorable. As if I could love them more. You have a remarkable talent.

  I would never have had the opportunity to work with these incredible people if not for my writing friends – The Web People. Without you, I’d be a shed-skin of myself: Stuart, Lorna, Marisa, Emma, Jeanna, Sally, Anna, Caroline, Anne, Ellie and Lydia.

  Thank you Emma Albrighton, CP extraordinaire and slayer of commas.

  Milton’s path has been one of serendipitous waypoints, from early Twitter #peerpitch success, to editorial feedback at the Bradford-on-Avon Mini Book Festival (thank you Fleur Hitchcock, Rachel Ward and Chicken House), to a place on the shortlist of the Bath Novel Award. Huge thanks go to Caroline Ambrose for her love and support, and everyone at BNA, who are like family.