You Could Have Saved Her

by Elizabeth Ballew

  Staring at my fists clenched around the long sleeves twisted in my lap, I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears in my throat. This was a topic she’d tried to bring up many times in our past sessions. She said it was normal for loved ones of dead family members to feel some sort of survivor’s guilt. Mine would be even greater since I was there when it happened. The problem with talking about why I felt guilt was that no one believed me.

  I told Dr. Carter that I heard footsteps, ones that shouldn’t be there, and she said it was just my brain trying to make sense of a horrible situation. I couldn’t fathom how my mother could be alive one moment and dead the next, so I had to make something up. When I argued that her dying in a fire should have been an excuse enough and that there was no point in me making up something else, she explained that away as well. Someone dying in a fire is very traumatic. It is one of the worst ways to go. I imagine that your brain doesn’t like picturing your mother that way and wanted something else to be the cause of her death, something peaceful. I didn’t bother telling her that what I pictured was not a peaceful death, but one much, much worse.

  “I already told you what happened,” I said as I cleared my throat.

  She nodded. “Yes, you told me that you woke up and the house was on fire. There was nothing you could do.”

  I snorted.

  “What is it?” she asked, arching one brow. “What emotion just went through your mind?”

  “Emotion? As in just one? I feel so many different emotions that it’s like I’m on a roller coaster I can’t escape. One minute I’m devastated, rolled up in a ball and crying on my bathroom floor. The next minute I’m so angry at the world that all I want to do is scream and throw things,” I said, sitting up in the chair. My voice increased in volume with each word. “Please, tell me how I can have the best week of my life then turn around and lose everything.”

  “Life is unfair sometimes,” she said, and I slumped back.

  “Sometimes, it feels like a dream. Like I’m going to wake up and we’ll be back in the hotel in New Orleans, getting ready to go shopping. There’s a moment in the mornings when I wake up and forget all the bad stuff. Everything is alright in the world, then I open my eyes, and the truth punches me in the face.”

  Dr. Carter sat there taking notes as I spoke, tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t have to wait for her to finish to know what she would say. The whole reason I took these sessions was so my grandparents saw me as stable and let me move back into the dorms. They only agreed to help me pay if I agreed to therapy. It wouldn’t do to have a member of the Carmichael family show any sign of weakness. That’s why I’d been so careful not to do or say anything that might make her think I couldn’t handle the change. Change. The word made me laugh. My life had been turned completely upside down, what was a little change going to do?

  “Okay, I want to make a deal with you,” she said, and I held my breath, waiting for her to tell me that I had to go to the psych ward or something. “If you promise to call me at least once a week while you are getting settled, then I have no problem with you moving on campus.”

  My mouth dropped open at her words. Was she serious? I just sat here and basically said I was a crazy person, and she was just okay with it?

  She laughed. “You look like you don’t believe me.”

  My face heated with embarrassment. “I figured you would say I’m too emotionally unstable or something.”

  Shaking her head, Dr. Carter sighed. “How many times have I told you that the way you feel is normal? I would be more concerned if you felt nothing at all. The fact that you were willing to open up to me and actually describe your thoughts and feelings means that you are able to communicate which is important when you’ve had a traumatic experience. I do want you to keep in touch though, just to make sure you’re doing alright in a new environment. I usually recommend that you keep some semblance of normalcy after a loss, but everyone’s situation is unique, so I understand that doesn’t work for all cases. As long as you agree to that and continue taking your medicine like you’re supposed to, I’m fine with it. Can you do that?”

  I nodded, not wanting her to change her mind. If I had to call the shrink once a week in order to move on, then so be it. That’s an easy sacrifice to make if it meant I didn’t have to move back in with my grandparents.

  TWO

  The last of my things were cleared out of the apartment by the beginning of the next week, less than three days after my session with Dr. Carter. Looking around at the empty space filled me with a sense of despair, as if my final connection to what was left of my family was gone. When Lily left, she took everything she owned. It all happened so fast that I didn’t even get the chance to tell her goodbye, and that was what hurt most of all. She didn’t even have the decency to keep her phone number the same, or if she did, she hadn’t paid the bill.

  I ended up selling most of my furniture and my car as it wouldn't fit into my new dorm room. The fact was, I didn’t have a job, and I couldn’t afford to pay the bills like usual. My grandparents agreed to help me move back on campus, but their generosity only went so far. Thanks to student loans, I was able to feed myself, but I was lucky I still had a phone considering my grandparents were paying for it. I wouldn’t have put it past them to shut it off out of spite.

  The resident hall I moved into was an all-female dorm. It was the only room they still had available, but that didn’t bother me. I was just glad they had one at all. I wasn’t even upset about having to share the room with somebody else. I’d lived with my sister since we were kids, so I wasn’t used to living alone anyway.

  According to the email, my roommate’s name was Jaelyn. She was a sophomore, and honestly, I was glad because that meant she wasn’t legal drinking age yet. The university didn’t have extremely strict rules, but one thing they did enforce was no alcohol in any of the rooms that contained someone under the age of twenty-one. I didn’t have anything against alcohol specifically, but I preferred to stay away from the stuff. One bad reaction to my meds was enough.

  As the elevator approached the fourth floor, I tightened my grip on my suitcase and leaned my head back against the wall, preparing to meet my roommate for at least the next nine months. There was no guarantee we’d get along. I was so excited about getting the approval to move on campus that I didn’t even think about what would happen if we ended up hating each other.

  I woke with a pounding headache, and I pushed myself to my feet. My suitcase was in a heap on the floor, contents strewn across the elevator carpet. The door stood ajar, but I appeared to be stuck between two floors. What happened? Did I hit my head on something?

  “Hello? Is anyone there?” I called through the gap, rubbing the sore spot next to my temple.

  When no one answered, I pulled my phone out of my packed and gasped. The battery, which had been fully charged when I left home that morning, was dead. How long had I been out?

  “Hello?” I tried again, banging on the door. Sweat pooled on the back of my neck as interior of the elevator grew warmer. I wiped sweaty palms against my jeans, doing my best to keep the panic rising in my chest at bay. I had to get out of here.

  Gathering my clothes back into my suitcase, I tossed it through the doors. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to do something I thought only happened in the movies. Bracing my hands, I jumped.

  The elevator dinged, and the doors snapped shut. They barely missed smashing my hands, and I let out a squeal as the floor shook underneath me. My heart pounded in my chest, my hands latched onto the rails, and a million prayers filled my head.

  Settling into place, another ding filled the room, and the doors slid open, revealing an empty sitting room. Legs shaking, I forced myself to walk out, not willing to get caught once again. My suitcase lay against the side of the couch as if it’d been there the entire time. As if nothing had happened. I needed to tell someone about the elevator as soon as possible.

  I leaned against one of the chairs, needing
to settle my nerves before heading to my room. When I felt ready, I picked up my suitcase and followed the numbered signs to my room. I approached the door and squeezed the key in my hand, taking a deep breath before dropping it in my pocket and knocking instead. If someone new moved into my space, I would want them to knock instead of barging in, at least until I got to know them first.

  The door swung open, and a petite blonde girl stood on the other side, a huge smile plastered on her face. Her hair, looking as though she’d tried to tame it into some sort of braid, stuck out all over the place, and she wore bright pink Hello Kitty pajamas.

  “Hi!” the girl screeched, jumping out to hug me. “You must be Calla. I’m Jaelyn, but you can call me Jae or Lyn, or Jaelyn. Anything is fine with me.”

  Jaelyn giggled as I stood there in shock, my face trying to choose between smiling or cringing. I’d never been around someone with so much… energy before.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I know I can get a little excited sometimes. Please come in. I’m so glad you’re here. When my previous roommate moved back home, I didn’t realize how lonely it would feel. I mean, if you had to look at an empty bed and desk every day, wouldn’t you feel a little alone?” she asked.

  I ignored her as I sat my single bag on the bed. I would need to get some sheets before tonight or I’d be sleeping on a bare mattress. I guess it could be worse; I could have no bed at all. Oh, yeah...

  “Is the elevator broken?” I asked. “It got stuck on my way up.”

  Jaelyn laughed, waving away my question. “Oh don’t worry about that thing. It happens all the time.” Was that legal? I opened my mouth to ask just that, but she didn’t give me a chance.

  “Is that all you brought? If you need something to sleep on, you can borrow some of my sheets. I have extra. I only have one comforter though. You could always ask the RA’s on the floor. They might know where some extras are somewhere, or even blankets or something,” she said, hopping around like a bunny on jumping juice.

  “Thanks,” I said, backing away from her.

  “Oops, sorry,” she giggled again. Seriously, who actually giggled and wasn’t doing it on purpose? I’d never met anyone like that. “Are you hungry? I was just about to go get breakfast from the dining hall.”

  I almost turned down her offer, but wasn’t I there to move on and continue living my life? That involved getting out and actually trying to make friends. Getting to know my roommate was a good place to start. Besides, she might be a little batty, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t a nice person.

  “Sure. I could use something to eat,” I replied, and Jaelyn literally jumped for joy, clapping her hands in front of her.

  “Let’s go,” she said, pulling my arm. “Oh, make sure you grab your key. Trust me, the RA’s give you a hard time if you forget your key.”

  “That’s because you get locked out of your room at least once a week,” said another girl with a shaved head and several face piercings as she walked out of one of the other rooms on the floor.

  “That’s an exaggeration,” Jaelyn said, rolling her eyes, but her cheeks flushed bright pink. “Calla, this is Zoe. Zoe, this is Calla. She’s my new roommate.”

  Zoe and I shook hands as we were introduced. She seemed like a nice girl, at least her smile seemed genuine.

  “Are you guys going to eat? I’ll come with you. James has to work today, so I’m all by myself,” she said with a fake pout.

  “James?” I asked.

  “My boyfriend,” she explained.

  Jaelyn giggled again, and I fought not to roll my eyes. I’d have to get used to that. It was like being with a small child when she got excited like this. However, it was better than being surrounded by people who constantly looked at me with pity in their eyes because I was the poor girl who’d lost her parents. Honestly, it surprised me that no one brought it up. It wasn’t like the whole thing was kept secret. Lily and I were seniors after all, our last year before graduation.

  “Do you not have a roommate?” I asked.

  Zoe shook her head. “I have a single room. Kind of wish I had a roommate sometimes though. That way we could play cards and stuff when James isn’t around.”

  “Please. Your roommate would write you up before the first week was over. We all know he stays the night almost every night,” Jaelyn snickered, and Zoe glared, obviously telling her to shut up.

  “It’s cool, really. Your secret’s safe with me,” I said with a chuckle.

  “What about you?” Jaelyn asked, and I suddenly realized I wasn’t paying attention anymore.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  I shook my head, and the girls seemed disappointed in my answer. I couldn’t help it if I’d been a little distracted lately and hadn’t gone out and got a man. Expecting more questions, I was relieved when the conversation moved on to a party that was happening this weekend. One of the fraternity houses hosted a party every year that the entire campus attended. I’d heard of it, of course but never considered going. It wasn’t my scene. This year, it was an overnight camping trip.

  “Are you gonna go?” Zoe asked.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just moved in, maybe I should wait and get settled first before going to a huge party.”

  “What? You have all week to get settled. Besides, this is going to be one of the biggest parties of the year. It will be fun. Come on, you have to go,” she insisted, and I could actually feel the pressure of her words.

  It’ll be fun, Jaelyn added, the smile on her face looked scary, and I honestly believed that if I said no, she might cry.

  “But what about midterms next week,” I tried to reason.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go. When Lily was here, she used to drag me out to parties all of the time. She was one of those people that couldn’t stand not being a part of all of the action and nightlife. As a result, I got dragged along with her. Sometimes I resented her for it, but most of the time, I was grateful to get out and have some fun. This party sounded like fun, and studying for midterms shouldn’t be that bad as long as I buckled down and worked, but an overnight party meant risking others finding out about the dreams. Explaining them away to Jaelyn was one thing, the entire campus seemed impossible.

  “Are you serious? This is a once in a lifetime party. You might never get to go again, and you’re worried about midterm?” Zoe asked, eyes wide, hands waving for emphasis. “You have the rest of the year to worry about your grades. Now is the time to live it up and have some fun!”

  I sighed. “Okay, okay. I guess it will be nice to get out and have some fun for a while, but I can’t stay all night,” I said, making sure they both heard me. “And no drinking.”

  Jaelyn laughed, brushing off my comment. “Who needs alcohol when you’re drunk on life?”

  Rolling her eyes, Zoe opened the door to the dining hall, and I took a step after them before pausing as a chill ran up my spine. I turned to look behind me, sure someone would be there. In fact, there were a lot of people, but none of them appeared to be paying any attention to us.

  “Everything okay?” Jaelyn asked, head leaning out through the door.

  I pushed the uneasy feeling to the back of my mind and nodded as I followed them inside.

  The rest of the week flew by. Since I’d been out of class for so long, the professors allowed me to come in past their office hours to get caught up. I appreciated that they were all willing to help me so much, but there was only so much information a person could take in all at once. In preparation for my prolonged absence I only registered for four classes this semester, and they were easy ones. I wasn’t sure how many of them counted towards my major since there were only so many electives I could take, but at least I didn’t have to miss an entire semester.

  On Friday, I slumped back into our room around midnight, having spent most of the day studying in the library and getting caught up on homework. Jaelyn sat in the little fold out chair she brought
from home, watching an old cartoon on her tiny flat screen television. She had a giant bowl of popcorn in her lap and shoveled handfuls of the stuff into her face at a time. I almost had to stop and laugh, admiring the simplicity and uncaringness of it all.

  “Hey,” she said, giving me a smile and an excited wave. “Are you ready for the trip tomorrow? I’m so excited about it. There’s going to campfires and marshmallows and scary stories and dancing. It’s going to be so much fun!”

  “How old are you? Twelve?” I asked. Dropping my work on the desk, I laughed and shook my head. After the stress of this week, it would be nice to be able to get away for a few hours and forget about all the work I had left to do. I shuddered at the thought, shoving it to the back of my mind. I’d never been so happy to see a bed in my life, but I couldn’t climb in just yet. Grabbing my pajamas and toiletries bag, I wrapped my robe around my waist and threw a towel over my arm before heading to the community bathroom to get ready for bed.

  It was late enough for the bathroom to be empty when I walked in, giving me my pick of stalls to use. Choosing the one at the back because it was only one that still had its small metal shelf and hook, I sat my things out and turned on the water, waiting for it to warm up while I got undressed.

  The sound of the bathroom door opening alerted me to someone’s presence, but I ignored it. This was a community restroom after all, it made sense there would be girls coming and going. When the stall next to me turned on, I sighed, rolling my eyes. There were four stalls in the bathroom, why did they have to choose that one? Weren’t they aware of bathroom etiquette? Oh well, there was nothing I could do about it anyway, so I got to work washing my hair.

  Next thing I knew, grunts and moans came from the occupied stall, and I froze. Was someone seriously having sex in the bathroom while I was in there? It should have been obvious from the sound of running water that the room wasn’t empty. There was a loud bang and clatter as something dropped to the tiled floor, and I flinched, rushing to finish so I could get out of there as soon as possible.