You Could Have Saved Her

by Elizabeth Ballew

Setting my stuff on the shelf against the wall, I flipped on the water in the last stall before reaching into my pocket and pulling out the little bottle of pills. Teeth clenched, I unscrewed the cap and upturned the bottle over the trash.

  FOURTEEN

  Standing in front of the campus library, I stared at the massive doors. It was just a dream - a horrible dream - but a dream nonetheless. My heart thundered in my ears, stomach nestling uncomfortably in my throat. Dr. Lawson reserved one of the rooms for my makeup exam since our normal classroom was being used by another professor. He figured it would be easier than trying to find an empty room. Plus, it would give me as much time as I’d need to take it.

  The morning air, chilly from the approaching winter, blew across my skin, making me shiver. I pulled my cardigan tighter around myself and took a deep breath before walking inside. As I swung open the heavy doors, a chill ran down my spine, and not from the temperature.

  “Calla?”

  I spun on my heel, heart jumping in my chest, just barely managing not to scream. Clutching my chest, I forced myself to calm down as Dr. Lawson put his arms out, looking confused and concerned. It was a look I was getting used to seeing.

  “Calla, are you okay?”

  Shaking my head, I waved away his question. “I’m fine. You just startled me.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked, brow furrowed into a frown.

  I nodded. “I’ve just been a little bit jumpy lately since I haven’t been sleeping well.”

  “You don’t look well,” he said. “Maybe you should go to the doctor-”

  “No. I’m fine really. They gave me something to help me sleep when I got back,” I assured him.

  He raised a brow. “Have you been taking them?” Hesitating, I sucked my lips behind my teeth and sighed. Dr. Lawson frowned. “It’s not good if you aren’t getting enough sleep, Calla.”

  “I know,” I mumbled. “But they give me really weird dreams.”

  “The nightmares,” he said, nodding. “I heard from some of the students you’ve been waking up in the middle of the night screaming.”

  I winced. You couldn’t discount the rumor mill in college, especially one as small as ours. I should have expected all the professors to know about my… incidents. I’d say a girl screaming in bloody murder in the middle of the night made for great conversation.

  “Yeah-”

  “If you tell the doctors about it, they can give you something else,” he said.

  “Right… Should we go in now? We don’t want to lose the room,” I said, gesturing behind me.

  Dr. Lawson studied me for a long moment, and I fought the urge to fidget. After a long awkward silence, he shook his head, frowning.

  “I think we should postpone the exam for now. You’re not in any position to focus on in when you can barely stay on your feet. I can tell you’re even struggling to keep your eyes open. I’ll talk to your other professors and let them know you need a break,” he said, and I gasped.

  “I’m already so far behind I can’t afford to take another break,” I protested. “Please. If I don’t catch up now, I won’t be able to graduate in the spring.”

  “Calla-”

  “Please. I need something in my life to be normal,” I said, hands twisted in my cardigan.

  Sighing, Dr. Lawson put his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Alright. I won’t make you take a break, but you’re not taking your makeup exams until you talk to a doctor about your lack of sleep.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I’ll call them today. I’ll go-”

  He put his hand out, stopping me again. “I won’t make you take a break, but I think you should at least take the rest of this week. Call your doctor. Talk to someone about what’s been going on. Passing your classes won’t do you any good if you end up dying because you couldn’t take care of yourself. Remember, your life is more important than any degree.”

  My mouth dropped open as I watched him leave, feeling defeated. Another week. I would be one more week behind in my classes. One more week separated me from getting out of this place for good. And he wasn’t joking about speaking to my other professors. This college was so small that everyone who worked here communicated exceptionally well, not to mention that the dean trusted all of her professors to make their own decisions for their classes and their students. There would be no getting out of taking this week off.

  Slumped on the steps in front of the library, I dropped my head in my hands and let out all the emotions I’d felt the past few days. Tears streamed down my cheeks, coating my hands and dripping onto my faded jeans. Sobs wracked my body as I thought about how much my life had changed since that first trip to New Orleans and how everything would be different if Lily and I hadn’t gone out to that club on our birthday.

  I winced, grabbing my head as the pounding intensified. It felt like someone was stabbing me in my eyes with hot nails. I struggled to open my eyes, but they were swollen from my tears. Why was it so cold in my bedroom? Thinking I left a window open, I shivered, reaching to pull up my covers, but my hand grasped nothing.

  It took a moment for my sleep worn eyes to adjust to the darkness as I lifted myself onto my elbows, and I hissed. Something sharp embedded itself into my palm. Pulling it out, I inspected the tiny pebble, and then focused on the world around me.

  The library steps were the first thing I noticed, and I pushed myself to my feet, wrapping my wrinkled cardigan around me for warmth. The night air, at least fifteen degrees cooler than the morning, covered my body in goosebumps.

  How had I slept the entire day, into the night, and not a single person tried to wake me? The library was on the opposite side of campus, and there weren’t as many street lights as I would have liked there to be. I didn’t even have my phone. Did I bring it with me in the first place? I couldn’t remember.

  The pounding in my head increased as I made my way back to my room, each step feeling like twenty. Heavy chains weighed down my tired legs, and the closer I got, the farther my destination seemed.

  Leaves crunched to my right, and I turned, eyes wild. I winced, grabbing my head as I picked up my pace. Cold wind lanced through my thin covering, and my body quickly became a shivering mess.

  “Calla…”

  Spinning on my heels, I looked all around me. The voice, carried by the wind sounded like it came from all different directions. Picking up the pace again, I forced my shaky legs to run, and the sound of footsteps behind me made my heart beat faster, sounding like thunder in my already aching head.

  “Stop…”

  The distance to my dorm felt like the longest journey I’d taken in my entire life. Every inch felt like a yard, every foot felt like a mile. One of the light poles in front of me blinked out, the glass shattering, and I screamed. My legs stumbled over overgrown roots, and my knees slammed into the ground.

  Someone laughed in the distance.

  “Leave me alone!” I yelled, pushing myself back to my feet.

  Wet grass and mud worked against me as I tried to gain traction. My shoe caught got twisted in something, and my foot slipped out, toes tangling in the straps, and I stumbled, but managed to keep my footing. Leaving the shoe behind, I kept running, breath uneven, heart racing, head pounding with each step.

  A hand grazed my back, and I swung back. “No!” I screamed.

  “Calla.”

  “Leave me alone!” I screamed again.

  “Calla!”

  Someone grabbed my arm and squeezed. I couldn’t move. Struggling against the hold, I screamed. Trying to get anyone to hear me.

  “Calla! Wake up!”

  A smack to my face made me jerk back, eyes wide, and the unexpected action sent me sprawling to the ground. Cupping my stinging cheek, I stared at the group of people standing over me. Cool grass pressed against my legs and back, tickling my palms as I pushed myself up. Bright sunlight shined over the crowd, creating shadows over my body and all around me.

  “What?” I asked, wincing as the pounding in my head
increased.

  “You were sleepwalking,” Dr. Lawson said, leaning down to help lift me to my feet. “I called your name, but you started running like someone was chasing you.”

  “Sleepwalking? Like I was dreaming?”

  He nodded. “You’re lucky you didn’t get hurt. Courtney saw you acting strange and came to find help. I was on my way back to my office when she ran into me.”

  “I don’t remember-”

  “I thought you were going back to your dorm, so it surprised me to see you just standing there staring off into space,” he explained.

  “I fell asleep… I thought… I’m-”

  “When we tried to get your attention, you completely flipped out,” Courtney said. “I thought we were going to have to call the cops or something.”

  “What?”

  A man I didn’t recognize stepped forward. “You’re disoriented. It’s a common symptom of sleep deprivation. Let’s get you to the infirmary where you can lay down, and I’ll call an ambulance to come get you.”

  “No. I’m fine-”

  “You’re not fine,” Dr. Lawson said. “You need to trust Dr. Marsh; he knows what he’s talking about. I promise you’re in good hands.”

  Dr. Marsh worked at the campus infirmary. We shared him with a few other schools around the area, and he was only here two days a week. I guess today was my lucky day.

  “Calla, spending time in the hospital when you need it isn’t a bad thing. Once you get some real sleep, you’ll feel much better and be able to return to school refreshed,” Dr. Carter said.

  I sat in her office in one of the big fluffy chairs she had for her clients with my arms crossed, refusing to look at the woman who was effectively sending me to the loony bin.

  “It’s not a hospital,” I said. “You want to send me to River Pines. That’s where they send crazy people. You think I’m crazy.”

  She sighed. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re exhausted from lack of sleep and could use a couple of night to recuperate. If you need a little help to do that, then there’s no harm in that.”

  Wincing, I cupped my head, rolling my eyes when she frowned at me. “I’m fine,” I said. “It’s just a headache.”

  “I’m really concerned, Calla. You’re exhibiting a lot of the signs of severe sleep deprivation. I knew you were having trouble sleeping when you returned, but you never told me it was this bad,” she said, flicking pen against the desk. “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “Because you would think I was even crazier than you already do, and I was right,” I said, gesturing at her notebook as if to prove my point.

  “I told you-”

  “You don’t think I’m crazy. Yeah, you said that, but you’re still sending me to the mental hospital,” I mumbled, fighting back tears.

  Dr. Carter sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. We’d been having this argument for the last hour and a half, ever since she came to pick me up from the emergency room. They suggested I stay overnight, but I resisted, and they made me sign an AMA form - leaving against medical advice. They did insist I not leave alone since I would be a danger to myself and others if I drove a car - or really did anything - so I called Dr. Carter.

  “Calla, think about what I’m saying. I just want you to spend a couple of days in a safe environment where you can get some sleep without having to worry about anything else. I know part of the reason you haven’t been sleeping well is because you’re constantly waiting, wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen. Well, River Pines is about the safest place you can be. You’d be under constant supervision. Nothing and no one would be able to get to you, and it’s only for a couple of days.”

  Glancing at her through my lashes, I pouted. “Would the school have to know?” I asked.

  Dr. Carter shook her head. “It would just be between you and me. I told you, this isn’t about me thinking you’re crazy or sick or anything like that. I just want you to rest and recover. I promise it will be the best thing for you right now.”

  Picking at a loose thread on my jeans, I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth, chewing on it.

  “Can I think about it?” I asked.

  “You can have a few hours, but they have a bed ready right now, and it won’t be available forever. I’ll need to let them know by tonight if you’re going to be there,” she said.

  I sighed and nodded. “Okay.”

  Dr. Carter let me stay in the empty room behind her office that she uses for breaks between clients while I thought about her suggestion. I knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to go back to school right now, but it felt similar to being held prisoner, and I had to fight the constant urge to check that the door was unlocked. She got so annoyed with my opening and closing it, that she placed a book between it and the frame so it remained cracked.

  The pain in my head continued to ebb and flow, flaring every time I heard a noise or voice I didn’t recognize. I’d downed two bottles of water, a cup of coffee - with about a pound of sugar - and even a can of coke to both help with the headache and to try to keep myself awake, but nothing seemed to work. My eyes grew heavier and heavier by the second.

  “Calla, it’s almost time to go. Have you figured out what you want to do?” Dr. Carter asked, peeking through the door.

  Jerking awake, I flinched as the pounding in my head surged to a new threshold. Damn it. I’d been so preoccupied with staying awake that I’d forgotten to really give her suggestion any thought.

  I shook my head. “Sorry, I haven’t-”

  Pain lanced through my skull, and I grabbed both sides as if my brain was about to explode from my ears.

  “Calla? What’s wrong?”

  “My head,” I moaned, doubling over, but it only got worse. “Make it stop.”

  Agonizing tears streamed down my face, and Dr. Carter reached under my arms to lift me back on top of the couch.

  “Here, take this,” she said, and I squinted my eyes open to see that she held two pink pills in her hand.

  Willing to take anything as long as it made the pain disappear, I swallowed them, chasing them down with the last of my bottled water. I coughed as the water went down the wrong pipe, but the pain in my head subsided almost immediately.

  “What did you give me?” I asked. That’s something everybody should keep on standby.

  “Just a little pain medicine, nothing you need to worry about,” she said, and I glanced her, brow furrowed.

  She blurred in front of me, and I blinked, trying to clear my vision. She focused for a moment then became fuzzy again. Dr. Carter smiled, but she wasn’t looking at me. Turning around to look behind me, my head swam, the room spinning too quickly for me to focus.

  “What-”

  “Shh. Everything’s going to be find, just let the medicine do its work. It will be better for you if you don’t fight it,” a man whispered, and I froze.

  “No,” I whimpered, but it was garbled by my drunken state. “No. No. N-“

  FIFTEEN

  Opening my eyes, I squinted as the bright white room came into focus. The pounding in my skull had lessoned to a dull ache, and I lifted my hands to my head, blocking out the large fluorescent lights.

  “Oh sorry. How’s that?” a woman asked as the lights dimmed.

  I glanced around, getting my bearings as I lifted myself onto my elbows. The woman hurried to my side, helping me sit up before fluffing the pillows behind me so I could lean against them.

  “Where am I?” I asked.

  The woman smiled. She had beautiful white teeth that shone against her dark brown skin. Her black hair was pulled back into a tight bun with bangs folded neatly against her forehead. She had on blue scrubs and a nametag that read ‘Miranda.’

  “You’re in River Pines, but there’s no need to panic. You’re not a prisoner here or anything. Your therapist, Dr. Carter, brought you in last night. She said you were having a nightmare, and she couldn’t wake you. Every time she tried to touch you, you would scream and
thrash around uncontrollably. The doctors had to sedate you in order to get you here, but it was a small dose, and you shouldn’t feel any side effects. But if you start to feel strange, let me know right away,” she said, the smile never leaving her face. She was probably really good at getting people to stay calm.

  I nodded. “I’m just a little… fuzzy, I guess.”

  “That’s understandable. The sedative we gave you basically numbs your mind. It’s kind of like putting you in a trance. Once it completely wears off, that feeling will go away,” she assured me. “Are you hungry or thirsty? I can get you something from the cafeteria.”

  “Just some water, please,” I said, and she nodded, smile growing impossibly wider.

  “No problem,” she replied. “If the doctor comes in first just tell him I’ll be right back.”

  The nurse - assuming she’s a nurse - left, and I was finally alone. Taking in my surroundings, I pushed the confusion out of my mind. The room was almost solid white with a few wood accents. The tiled floor had a crisscross pattern in shades of white, off-white, and tan. There was a single bed, which I currently sat on, a small table with two chairs, a sink, and a door that I assumed led to a toilet. At least I hoped that was the case because I was about to burst.

  “I see you’re awake.”

  I jerked at the sound of a man’s voice coming from the door. My pulse raced, stomach twisting into knots.

  “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to frighten you. My name is Dr. Ross. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Calla. I know you don’t remember, but I was here last night when the doctors brought you in,” he said, and I swallowed.

  “Where’s Dr. Carter?” I asked. “I want to talk to her.”

  He nodded. “Of course. I’ll let her know you were asking for her. She stayed for a while last night, but when it looked like you weren’t going to wake up anytime soon, she decided it was better to let you sleep and come back tomorrow,” he said then glanced at his watch. “Which I guess it today, now. I’ll give her a call to let her know you’re awake. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear from you.”