The Pretender- Escaping the Past

by C R Martens

  Walking through the office building a few days later, one of the security guards, Ryan, caught her off guard with a bad, but easily laughable, joke. She walked through the building towards the back office laughing. But then the laughter stopped and she thought for a moment. It was the first proper connection she had had in weeks, perhaps even months; her boring life was making her angry and miserable and here was this average, at best, guy making her laugh. The routine of her daily life was draining her and Eve needed a challenge – a challenge she didn’t know was just around the corner. She had worked with Ryan for the past year, but she had never paid him much attention; she thought he was too loud and boisterous and she wasn’t attracted to him, but something had changed in her. Maybe it was the joke. Or maybe she was just looking for some form of connection, however unfitting it was. But whatever it was, Ryan seemed to be it.

  ***

  “So,” he started, “we have only two sessions left. This one included.”

  “Wow,” Eve said, smiling. “How exciting. So, I guess I should start talking.”

  “Whenever you are ready,” he said, clicking his pen. This sentence should definitely be his new catchphrase.

  “I was finished with school. I was working. And life was boring. I needed a challenge, I just didn’t see it coming quite as full-on as it did. It was late spring when he sank his teeth into me. He wasn’t fantastic, he was ordinary at best, but he could convince anyone that he was the king – even me. He was a real con artist.” She sighed. “Summer was on the way and I could feel that my head and body needed warmth and light. I had a boyfriend all of a sudden. When did that happen? It was like a blackout and there he was. Ryan was different, not someone I would usually go for. And it was made even more complicated by the fact that I was leaving for London in less than two months; I had gotten a four-week internship before university started in late September, which meant I was leaving at the very beginning of August.

  “The first two weeks between Ryan and I was a honeymoon, but then cracks started to appear in his façade. He was ten years older than I was. I was 20 and looking for trouble and that’s what I got. Little by little I learnt about the man I was dating, about his dealings with drugs, how he beat up people who he thought looked at him the wrong way and about how he stole things and sold them on for profit. Not exactly security-guard material. I had finally gotten what I wanted – someone to rip me out of my boring routine of a life and boy did he. I had had normality in my life, I saw and felt what it was like, it just wasn’t for me, I was too broken. By the end of June I had already broken up with Ryan twice. And that second time was the first time I had left one of my relationships with a mark. There was no mistaking the bruised finger marks on my upper arm, they were bright blue and purple. It had been three days since I had seen him last, I had 11 voicemails and 17 texts on my mobile, all of them plastered with the desperate pleas of Ryan to please forgive him.

  “I was on my way back from work, music in my ears, when I noticed someone behind me. I only had a blurry glimpse of the person as I was rummaging through my bag for my keys. I was less than 100 meters from home so I could leg it and be safe. But what if it was all in my imagination and this person was just going in the same direction? I could feel the person was coming closer so I decided to run the last few meters. I shut the massive green wooden door behind me and just before it closed, I got a glimpse of the man behind me. Ryan. I was shocked that he had followed me, but then I felt that other feeling. The kick, the thrill of being wanted, adrenalin rushing through my body. I felt him pounding the door as I stood leaning up against it. Even with loud music in my ears, I could hear him shouting my name. I walked away, through the courtyard to my entrance and up the stairs, I opened the door to the flat and shut it. Heart still pounding, I knew I wanted more of this. I think that was the first time I got a taste of the chase as an adult.” Eve stopped; as she sat there she felt her pulse going. That same adrenalin as back then; she missed being in the field. She was secretly longing for a new chase. They just sat there quietly for a little while. Him writing his notes and Eve catching her breath.

  “Leaving the comforts of my mum’s home was something I had looked forward to since I was 14 years old. I felt it was my only chance to escape the demons of my past. But at 20 I decided to move out of my flatshare and back home to save money before leaving Denmark. The end of July was fast approaching and I had been playing cat and mouse with Ryan for a month, trying to avoid him at work. I had been enjoying the games, probably more than a normal person would have.

  “One day, as I lay in the sun-filled King’s Garden Park, I watched the people around me, reading their faces and their bodies, knowing who was about to be dumped or who was on a first date. I felt the warm breeze stroke my face, it felt as though it was running its long fingers through my hair. The sun shone down from a clear blue sky, caressing my skin ever so slightly, leaving me warm and comfortable. The emerald green trees were beautiful against the deep blue sky and the sun was almost white. There was so much life around me that I felt almost euphoric. That’s when a shadow moved over me; how was it that the only cloud in the sky would be over me? But it wasn’t a cloud, it was Ryan, all 6 foot of him and arms crossed, standing there as if getting pumped up for battle. I felt the shock echoing through my body, every nerve ending was on high alert.

  “‘Let’s go!’ he demanded, stretching out his arm to get me off the ground.

  “‘Stop,’ I said in a quiet voice, not timid but firm. ‘We both know there is nothing you can do right here, so if you want to talk then we do it here.’

  “‘Why would you say that?’ Ryan said, slumping to his knees. ‘All I have ever wanted was the best for you.’

  “‘The best for me isn’t bruises up and down my arms!’ I replied. ‘You have pushed and pushed for this to happen, so I don’t get why it has come as a surprise to you.’

  “‘How can you bring that up again?’ he asked, his face full of self-pity. ‘You know it hurts me.’

  “‘It hurts you,’ I retorted quietly. ‘Please, this is what you’re good at, pushing and pushing until you get a reaction. Unfortunately for you, this wasn’t the reaction you wanted. Just leave me and forget about me.’

  “‘You and I are meant to be together!’ He moved closer. ‘You can’t deny what you feel.’

  “‘I am not sure what I feel.’ I looked away. ‘The only thing I am sure of is that I’m leaving Denmark in a week and I won’t be coming back. And I like that thought.’

  “‘Wow, your dream is coming true,’ he said smiling. He felt at ease, he thought he had gotten me to relax and open up. He was somewhat like me, a predator. I just knew where the line was, he didn’t.

  “‘Yes, it is.’ I started to get my things together. ‘I have to go now, I’m meeting someone.’

  “‘Another man!’ His rage was undeniable and instantaneous. I felt like saying yes just to see his reaction.

  “‘No, not another man.’ I said, getting up. ‘Though that would have been none of your business.’

  “‘I’ll walk you home.’ Ryan was smooth that way.

  “‘That would be a long way to walk,’ I said coolly. ‘I don’t live there anymore, I moved back home to save money. We can just say goodbye here.’

  “‘I’ll walk you to your friend,’ he said, getting more insistent.

  “‘No, you won’t, Ryan,’ I said, standing firm and looking him right in the eyes. ‘This is it. We won’t see each other again.’

  “‘Don’t I have a say in that?’ He stood in his defensive position, arms crossed and his head tilted slightly back.

  “‘No, you don’t,’ I said. ‘And don’t do anything you’re going to regret. Goodbye, Ryan.’

  “I turned around and started walking away, I could feel his eyes following me. The same adrenaline as I had experienced when he stalked me was creeping back. He didn’t follow me, or at least I didn’t notice him.

  “Being only days away from my escape,
I started to feel anxious, unsure, insecure and sad. An emotional minefield was growing inside me, which made me notice things that I’d rather have been without. Not about my surroundings, I had always been very aware of those; no, this was about myself. Things were starting to sink in, the fact that I would leave Denmark in a week’s time was starting to worry me more and more. I loved Denmark but only because it was my home and because I didn’t know better, and that’s probably why I knew I would love it more from a distance. As sad as that may sound, I didn’t belong there. And that was the harsh truth, the fact that I didn’t mind leaving behind everyone I loved and everything I knew so well.” Eve sat in silence, for how long she didn’t know but he didn’t interrupt her contemplation. “Sorry, I got lost just then,” she said, refocusing on the psychologist who was looking at her.

  “Where were you?” he asked, one the few questions he’d asked these past few months.

  “In 2006,” she said, adjusting herself in the chair.

  “You can just continue when you’re ready,” he said, getting ready to write.

  “My mum always told me to apologise first because that was a good character trait. Even if you were in the wrong, there were usually two sides to every story. My mum and I had been arguing more than usual and that put pressure on my last few days in Denmark. The tense mood wasn’t exactly doing either of us any good. She didn’t get angry with me when I was having a go at her, she just let me vent. She also knew that it wasn’t about her and that when I was ready I’d tell her what was wrong. I was lonelier then than I can ever remember being, which was strange because I have never had so many people around me before. Even with everything that happened when I was a child, that loneliness was different. I didn’t seem to be able to just enjoy the last few days I had left at home.

  “When the day of departure finally came, I stood in the airport feeling like I was already a million miles away, but that didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye to my mum and brother. My dad, however, had already left my life again, so at least that was one less person to say goodbye to. As I stood on the escalator, on my way to strange and new discoveries, I looked back to wave and I saw Ryan standing in the background. He was clearly trying to disguise himself so I pretended not to notice him. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of attention.

  “I landed in London and everything felt strangely familiar. It was like coming home, that feeling of having escaped. As I tracked my way through the airport, I got a glimpse of the sunshine outside, but I was just going deeper underground with every escalator. As I entered the train, I piled all my luggage in the storage area and sat waiting for the train to leave. The train may have been stationary but my mind was going a million miles a second.

  “As the train rode into the underbelly of London, everything seemed so familiar yet I felt so far removed from reality. After a short bus ride, I arrived at the student residence building. The sun was shining from a clear blue sky, yet the building I was about to enter was bleak and condemning. I was met by a senior student who showed me to my room. He gave me all sorts of information as we walked, I didn’t hear half of it. I was on the bottom floor of a courtyard building, flat L1, room 8. Walking through the front entrance, you wouldn’t imagine that there were a further four buildings hiding in the courtyard, and you certainly wouldn’t know it was a sunny day. With big concrete walls topped with barbwire locking in all the students, it was a place built to keep something in. I sat in my white-painted, concrete-walled room on my plastic-covered mattress looking at a previous tenant’s scribbles on the wall opposite: ‘I was here!’ I’m sure they felt just like I did in the moment they stepped into this room – a great desire to make themselves known in an effort not to be swallowed up whole. I had wanted to escape for so long that actually achieving it left a hole in me. I had sought and been given permission to move in to halls of residence four weeks before term started as I was starting my internship. But living alone in this flat already seemed draining, so being here for four weeks alone would quite frankly be unbearable. However, there was no way around it, so I would just have to make it work and enjoy the silence for as long as it lasted. I told myself that every day was a new beginning; it’s just a matter of taking a chance and following through. Moving to England made me wonder about two things: First, did I make the right decision? And second: What would happen to me as a person?”

  “So, did you?” he asked, looking at me over the top of his glasses.

  “Did I what?” Eve asked.

  “Make the right decision?” he asked.

  “I still don’t know,” she answered. And that was the truth, she was still in doubt and that doubt grew daily.

  ***

  London. You can get lost anywhere, but if you are not careful, London will pull you under. Eve was taken aback, the city she had visited so many times before seemed so foreign. She didn’t know the area she lived in at all, so venturing out of the halls of residence was a new adventure. That first day she had the time to get lost – to sit and watch people rushing from A to B not noticing anything that mattered. But Eve noticed. Eve saw the little details that went undetected by most. She wandered around aimlessly but with a clear goal in mind – to get acquainted with her new neighbourhood. The internship had definitely been hyped to something it wasn’t, it certainly wasn’t the great opportunity to learn about communicating the creative arts to the wider public. It was more about getting coffee and making copies.

  Sunday was the big arrivals day in the halls of residence. There were so many people coming and going that it was difficult to figure out who was a student and who was a relative. When the dust finally settled, Eve stood in the flat with seven new flatmates and a ton of questions that just couldn’t find their way out. Come Monday morning Eve stood looking at the university and all the new faces, names and places, things to learn and things to see. Everything was a blur and by the end of the day, Eve collapsed in her little prison room exhausted from overexposure to new things and new people.

  As the first week came to an end, Eve knew every street in the area and every name of her fellow art students. So far, her flatmates were the ones she knew best, she had even shared classes with a few of them. Eve was a few years older than all of them and none of them had lived on their own like Eve; they were loud, she wasn’t, they were just free of the safety of their childhood homes while she had grown up a long time ago, having already lived in eight places (not including her dad’s various places). But she liked them, even though they were different to her.

  University quickly became familiar. With parties every night at the student union, it was hard to be fresh and rested for the lectures the next day. But Eve always pulled herself together; she was determined to make something of herself, even with a hangover. She had something to prove to everyone she had left behind – the bullies, the teachers that hadn’t cared about her and the men that had let her down, time and time again. Everyone who had ever told her she was nothing. But also to the few people who had cared. The pressure to be perfect was ever-present. So, she did what she had done so many times before – she started to box away her anxiety and fear of failure. It was only a matter of time before it would explode.

  As she doused her face with cold water one bleak November morning, she felt the perfect pressure becoming stronger. She stood there looking at her reflection in the mirror. Her face dripping with cold water, this was the first time she contemplated not showing up for class. Two months of drinking and parties every night had taken its toll on her. Something had to change or she wouldn’t make it to the end of the year. Though she thought she had already experienced her freedom from home, she had always been in easy distance of her mother, but now all ties seemed to be cut. All but one: Ryan had crept his way back into her life. No one knew about it – no one back home or at university knew he was back in her life. He was a ghost in her surroundings and he haunted her. It was hard being in a sort-of relationship and having all these new impressions and experi
ences in her life and wondering if this really was the right thing for her. Eve was still discovering herself and she couldn’t help but wonder if it was all going too fast. But, as always, Ryan had texted her at the right moment of vulnerability, the moment when she was starting to miss all her friends and family. But she didn’t dare tell her mum; Eve did as she always had – she kept her troubles to herself. The days where she was very low she would find it hard not to just start packing and get on the next flight home. She had been waiting a lifetime for a break and she still felt trapped. Trapped by her own fear of freedom, what if she didn’t succeed? Everywhere she looked for control, she felt like she was being pushed down. She saw herself screaming and crying in frustration, punching the mirror, seeing a million broken Eves in the reflection. She saw herself taking a shard and ending her pain.

  “No!” She stood there facing herself in the mirror, water still dripping from her face. “You have come this far.” That vision wasn’t an option. She wiped her face, put on her clothes, applied her concealer to cover the dark lines, and then finally eye drops for her bloodshot eyes. Anything to hide her true self. And then she was out the door. This was the last breakdown she would ever have. She had finally gotten rid of her self-doubt, she was free from her demons and they hadn’t followed her to London. There was only one demon left to eradicate. Ryan. Of course this was all just the same lie she had told herself countless times before. Eve would never lose her demons. Nor did she want to. Not really.

  ***

  “After everything I saw my mum go through,” she started slowly, “I didn’t think I would make the same mistake of getting involved with a controlling and abusive man. But there it is.”